Name: How Nick Swardson Dies | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-10-01T17:53:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Nick Swardson Dies | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Nick Swardson Dies | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-01. Transcript available.

How do you die? Nick Swartzen, how do you die? We ask a lot of our guests that
here. A lot of people, we don't have guests, or we have just fucktards that
pass through.
How would I die? I don't know. Maybe I would want to go out, you know what I
mean? I would want to crowd surf in my 90s, you know what I mean? At a fucking
Creed reunion.
Oh yeah. And they're singing like, can you take me higher? And I'm 90, I can
barely fucking do it. I have to take the wheels off my body and then just have
them throw me. And then while I'm in the air, I shoot heroin into my eyes.
I like that. I see something a little bit more engaging for you though, man.
Let it rip, man.
I feel like I see you driving like a party bus of fucking youngsters that are
out for their first prom, you know? And all they have is a little bit of bush
light, but you fucking just limply leave a fucking sack of cocaine back there
for the fucking kiddos.
Yeah. Or just, you know, like passive aggressively.
Right.
Like roll the window down and just kind of like pretend like it flew in the
window.
Right.
And so then the party gets fucking buck, you know?
So I have to bring other people into my fucking demise. So this is how I'm
dying?
That's how you die.
So then, all right, well, I cut you off.
And they're partying, bro. They're going hard and you start to get a little bit
jealous because you're just the driver, dude. You know what I'm saying?
And you're just cruising a group of people over to a shitty fucking almost
closed TJ ribs, right?
And you're cruising over there and finally you can't take it anymore. You pull
over onto the side of the interstate, you know?
And you start partying with them, doing beer bongs, butt beer bongs, all of
them, the big hitters, you know?
Right.
Just really showing off, you know?
And some people are scared, but some people are still engaged.
But thankfully, you guys are in a zone where their phones don't quite work,
right?
Right.
You were supposed to pull, like, over all the way outside of a tunnel, but you
stayed in the tunnel a little bit because you guys are in New Jersey.
And next thing you know, bro, you guys are living high on the fucking hog and,
like, some boy and girl are both losing their virginity and, you know, things
that they didn't even know what was going on, dude.
Right.
And finally, a fucking semi-truck carrying fresh meats and produce just fucking
grills you guys, bro, and sends all y'all to heaven as a group.
Oh, okay.
I like the end.
Yeah, yeah.
We're all just unified.
And then, does my heaven body go back to, like, how I look now?
Like I'm at a prom in fucking Key West?
Yeah, your heaven body does, dude.
Yeah, your heaven body, it looks like, yeah, you look like a Sherpa.
Oh, but three flights of stairs in fucking Cancun, bro.
That's perfect.
I kind of like that.
My side death was a bit I read that went viral.
That was amazing about the trapeze artist with diarrhea.
Oh, yeah, dude.
That'd be a good way to go out, too.
Just get up there, just crush, like, three days of T-Bell.
Yeah, yeah.
And then fucking, maybe a fucking, then have, like, a peanut butter broccoli
smoothie and pour it in an omelet with eggs that are old, rotten.
Yeah, and then chug that.
But then also lay in a hot, like, soak in a sauna for a little bit so your body's
real supple, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, it's just Rhett to go.
Yeah, you have 2% chance of holding in a fucking warm pot of D.
Yeah, a hot pot.
And then just some fucking scalding Ovaltine.
I grab the fucking trapeze fucking bar.
I look at a picture of Brian Callen, and I'm ready to go.
I set it off, yeah, on the world stage, New Year's Eve.
Yeah, New Year's Eve.
Kathy Griffin's down there with her mouth open.
Kathy Griffin's reporting.
And then it's just game on.
So that's another option.
There's a lot of options.
Good evening, good afternoon, and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could watch this one.
Or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!