Name: Nick Swardson Got Expelled From School Four Times
Uploaded: 2020-10-04T16:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Swardson Got Expelled From School Four Times' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Swardson Got Expelled From School Four Times' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-04. Transcript available.

what were you like in school i was a fucking nightmare were you oh my god it
was terrible
i was like really smart kid but i just didn't give a fuck yeah school seemed a
little ridiculous to
me i like being friends with like the sick lady dude i would get a boner and go
into the office
and tell him i had i was sick and i'm just pointing my boner how old were you
15 16 you
know and i'd be like what did she do i need some ice she would give me ice she
would put ice in
your piece did she ice it or no no she would give me two bags give you a little
pack not a little
pack i mean two bags it was a fucking hell she gave you half a cube yeah she
cut it in half and it's
like that's fucking weird i got expelled from school four times four times i
got expelled this
is true story what happened to you man you seem like oh no i was fucked people
are like think that
but i was fucking reckless dude yeah my friends were all they i had some
hardcore friends and uh
who dude trent reznor what the fuck did you do yeah i was fucking trent who's
your friends man
dude we were stealing cars and shit we're like 14 friends and gangs and shit oh
but i got expelled
for pulling fire alarms we could go smoke a cigarette yeah but it was like a 3
000 compound school
so we would empty out the whole fucking school just so we could rip butts and
we'd go back in
i got pinched twice then i smoked a blunt in school so i went to the auditorium
me and my buddies
light up a fat blunt and this is the era when like cypress hill came out yeah
be real it was just game
on dude so we let up a blunt cops kick in the door we get handcuffed we get
like filed out in front of
everybody too so it's dope we had like serious fucking crap yeah what'd they do
i'm just like
that's what's up and i started crying but i got court ordered rehab after that
really and then i got
i got fucking um i put a sign on a substitute teacher's butt and i got thrown
out for that too
fuck sounds hardcore no we were fucking rogue dude we stole a car what kind of
car was it
we it was cold out so we were just we had a screwdriver and we would fucking jimmy
cars yeah
and uh we stole it and my buddy goes look in the glove compartment see if there's
anything
open the glove compartment and there was a fucking rosary and a bible and an id
card it was a priest
car and i was like get me the fuck out of this car my buddy's like dude chill i
go get me the fuck
out of here so me diarrhea so me and my other me and my other buddy josh
oh he sounds like a real winner josh was cool no he was cool he was yeah he was
catholic though so he
freaked out and i wasn't really religious but i was religious enough i was like
get me out of the
stolen priest car we get out my buddies take it go joyriding they get fucking
pulled over
but all fucking juvied up they went fucking down really yeah they got clipped i
never got i always
like knew what i was doing yeah you know what i mean like i had the wherewithal
my buddy said that
the other day i went to the show in minnesota and he came to the show and uh he
told me he was like
did you always like had another sense of like this is going bad yeah yeah yeah
one time some cops told
us to follow him to the police station we were under arrest right my buddy's
driving and another buddy's
in the passenger seat i'm in the back seat at a stoplight i'm like hey guys i'm
i'm out i'm just
gonna jet and like what the fuck dude we're like following the cop right they're
like what the
fuck dude we're gonna we're gonna get arrested i was like yeah i'm not you know
i'm i'm gonna just
walk home i was like my home's only like a mile i was like i'm just gonna kind
of slip out casually
when you guys leave this stoplight and that's what i did and they fucking went
and got arrested yeah i
guess uh sometimes it was just this wherewithal like oh this is not gonna go
well right here i'm out
yeah i did this this is my claim of like serious get out senses i've told this
story before on some
shit but uh i'll just tell it real quick so me and my buddies had a posse and
we lived in this
neighborhood in saint paul and there was a abandoned house across the alley
from my buddy's place so we
went to this house and had a party we're like 14 abandoned or for lease it was
abandoned okay it was
like it if somebody had bought it but it was like this big old house yeah right
off the train tracks oh
yeah so we go and have a party we're sitting at chicks we got booze we got
smokes so one of my
buddies he was just rogue his parents like weren't around one of those yeah you
know both ups drivers
yeah yeah they're both fucking packages oh yeah so he we're in the middle of
party we're all buzzed he
takes a fucking molotov cocktail we were defacing spray painting everything
this guy goes star wars rogue
one takes it throws it fire we all dip out we run our crew go across the alley
to my friend's house
and we're like holy fuck and we crash and the house we fucking the next day
wake up it's on the
news there's cops all over the neighborhood everywhere somebody calls us like
from another
house they're like dude there's cops all over the place we're looking out the
windows there's like 30
cops surrounding it but like we find out that there's they're everywhere so my
buddy's like let's
just chill here and i go no we gotta get the fuck out of here they're gonna
find us because we they
know that we're like the neighborhood ruffians yeah yeah so i'm like we gotta
get out of here they're
like no stay here and i go no so i go to him we're all starter jackets and
chains and shit so i go
fuck this i go do you have a collared shirt and he goes yeah i put on his dad's
like shorts i cinch
him put on a collared shirt i go does your dad have a tennis racket and he goes
yeah take the tennis racket
fix my hair walk out the back of my tennis racket walk down the alley there's
like five cops at the
end of the alley watching me and i go hey what's up officer and they're like glaring
at me and they're
like hey what's going on city bus pulls up i jump on it try go back to my house
i'm like holy fuck
i found out after the fact cops busted in and clipped all my friends 15 minutes
later or 20 minutes
whatever it was a little bit later they fucking had narrowed it down that it
was our house they
didn't see me coming out of the house so it wasn't like that but i had just
walking down the alley with
my tennis racket and they all got fucking nailed i love how you looked so
normal to these local cops
yeah they were like who's this guy played tennis in a tennis court in the who's
playing tennis on the
train tracks just hitting against a moving train like fucking navratilova just
fucking
getting after it dude they're like this dude's fucking gonna go to wimbledon
in a month he can play tennis anywhere but yeah dude i've survived some shit it
seemed like you've
been through a lot man too much that's why i settled on diarrhea and farting
even it out good evening
good afternoon and other times thanks for watching that video you just saw i
mean it was okay but the
next video you could watch could be way better what if you watch a video right
now that changes
your life well you could watch this one or watch this one watch this one watch
this one watch this one
ah