Name: Theo Von on Adult Asthma
Uploaded: 2020-10-07T18:33:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Adult Asthma' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Adult Asthma' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-07. Transcript available.

Anyway, I get there and I thought in my head, well, the whole time I'm riding
there, I'm
just furious.
And the guy, the Uber driver, kept telling me he had asthma and about his
journey with
asthma.
Dude, we got bigger fish to fry in the world right now than somebody having an
asthma journey,
bro.
Maybe if you can't breathe well, maybe God don't want you around here.
Have you thought about that, huh, Puff Puff?
Maybe if you can't take a hit off the world correctly, maybe the Lord's looking
for you.
So anyway, an hour and a half of listening to, you know, Captain fucking Camp Puff
talk about
his 65 years, dude was 65, 65 years of lung issues.
And he had crosses hanging everywhere in the Uber.
He had, I mean, there was a cross.
There was, there's a cross here.
You know, at one point I reached behind my ear and I pulled out a cross.
Like he had, there was, I don't know if this guy lives, if he had a vampire as
an ex-wife.
I don't know what's going on.
But the Lord, I mean, I guess the Lord was with us for sure.
It was an Uber pool because they had, there's no way there weren't a couple of
straight up
disciples in the trunk.
And so, you know, anyway, we go, oh, the guy kept having to pull over to
breathe fresh air.
The guy kept having to pull over to breathe fresh air in New Jersey off the
turnpike.
There ain't no fresh air.
There ain't no fresh air by the turnpike, dude.
Bring a bag of air from somewhere else.
Fill up a balloon from damn Kansas or something and get that thing, you know,
get that thing
trucked in or trained in.
So we pull over.
This is the second time we pulled over to get fresh air in.
I'm not sure where it was.
Some little town.
And a guy comes up to the car.
We stop.
It's literally like we have to stop for a minute and he will, the first time he
put his
head out the window and the second time he got out of the vehicle to breathe.
This is a, this, and I'm just, I'm like, it's already, this is a $200 Uber.
And it was a small car.
Okay.
It was small.
And some of you guys are thinking, well, Theo, you know, you've made some money.
Why don't you get a nice, get somebody to pay?
I agree.
But that's just not who I am.
I don't, that's not, I don't like to get, I try to be thrifty.
You know, that's just who I am.
I don't.
You know, that's just who I am.
You know, sometimes I don't want to, sometimes I don't want to give myself, you
know, the
creature comforts.
I don't want to take care of myself like that.
And I probably should because then I just get more stressed.
So anyway, dude, we're out there and a brother, I'll be honest, straight up
brother, urban brother, whatever, however you want to term it, you know, comes
up and starts asking if we want to buy some drugs.
And the asthma guy, the driver starts asking me, like, kind of directs him
towards me.
Like, I don't, like, what is going on here?
I don't, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm paying to be on this, this shitty adventure with
freaking Billy
Badlungs up here who can't handle the world.
And now I got to tell it, I don't want any drugs.
The dude starts looking at two of the crosses if they're for sale.
Like, dog, we ain't doing this shit right now.
Like, I'm just, you know, what y'all doing around here?
We're here because he, this guy, this guy wants some fucking, this guy wants
some fresh air by this railroad tracks and by these Walgreens.
That's why we're here.
That's why we're here.
And just nobody wants to believe you, bro, when you're out there like that.
So I'm just, and I'm just like, I can't wait to drink.
Now I'm going to drink gasoline.
I'm thinking about, I'm thinking I'm going to drink ethanol.
I'm going to drink.
I'm going to have someone else do a two, two, three, four, five, eight balls, a
40 ball.
I'm going to have somebody do at least a 32 ball of cocaine.
Then I'm going to drink their blood.
That's where I'm at.
That's where I'm at.
I'm not doing super well.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
And other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could watch this one or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah.