Name: Theo Von on Halloween
Uploaded: 2020-10-30T21:49:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Halloween' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Halloween' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-30. Transcript available.

Theo Von on Halloween

I'm just thinking about how spooky it's getting in the world, because it's
Halloween time.
You know, it's Halloween, man. Halloween.
Man, I used to love, do you remember Halloween?
Remember how much fun, dude, remember how much fun you had?
Remember how much fun you had?
Halloween, what are you going to be? What are you going to be?
For like a couple of weeks when you were in like elementary school, middle
school, what are you going to be?
What are you going to be?
I'm going to be a princess.
I'm going to be a coal miner.
I'm going to be a firefighter.
That was always a big one. I'm going to be a firefighter.
You know, and it was just like, and the costumes used to be way more normal.
Wait, like, oh, Daniel is a bat.
Oh, that's good job, Daniel.
You know.
Oh, Lawrence is, he's a coal miner in a wheelchair.
Oh, good job, Lawrence.
Selena is pregnant.
Oh, that's interesting, bud.
Way to go, Selena.
You know, you just, you see that little girl, she come to the door, she, you
know, she just, that's her idea of what, of creativity.
She's seven years old.
She got a pillow in her, you know, and lipstick on.
You're like, okay, she's, you know, maybe seeing a little too much at the house,
you know.
But that was, that was, that was, that was then, that was, that was Halloween.
Dude, and then I remember you would get the candy, and I always liked them Snickers,
them baby Snickers.
You know, out here in, and, and, and Los Angeles, they give all, you know, the
costumes are, you know, out here, it's not even a, it's not even, you know, it's
like, Jackson is a hashtag.
Lorenzo, well, he refuses to dress up this year because he believes that
Halloween is, you know, it's, it's not fair to ghosts.
Like, actual ghosts aren't getting the credit they deserve.
Yeah, well, fuck that, bruh.
Halloween is a great opportunity to get an empty bag or anything empty.
Dude, I remember one time running around our neighborhood with a plant pot.
Because it just seemed like the biggest thing around.
Fill it up.
I didn't care what you put in it.
Dude, I remember one guy just poured half of a beer out into mine.
I'm like, yeah.
Dude, I loved getting them little Snickers.
And I love putting on my costume.
Dude, look, I found these sounds.
Remember, listen to these Halloween mask sounds, okay?
These were sounds that your mask made maybe when you put the mask on.
All right, here we go.
Remember that?
Okay, now what about this one?
Listen to this one.
Oh, that, now if you had some money, that second one, you had a little bit of
money.
Because they had that hard, that plastic.
It was like getting back into your mother's womb.
Once you, whatever that, and that thing was always like a wolf or like a, you
know, a donkey head.
Or, you know, it could be anything.
But it was something like severe, like a big lizard head.
If you got into that thing, you weren't.
That was it for the night.
I didn't like those things because I always felt trapped.
You know, I remember one time being in a costume and I couldn't get that thing
off, man.
And I could see out of the eyes and I could see the world like so clearly, but
no one could hear me because the plastic was too thick.
So I quit talking to people and it was sweaty and it was scary because I couldn't
like, my peripheral vision was gone.
So I couldn't see around me that good.
And I could just see.
And it was just like I was watching the world happen a little bit more.
And I thought for a second, man, honestly, I thought that I was like, I wonder
if this is what it feels like to have like autism or Down syndrome.
You know, like you're in there and you can see, like it all seems really,
really clear.
But you're like sweating and you can't, and people can't hear you or you can't
like communicate as well because, you know, you got on these, you know, you got
so much extra on you, you know.
Remember that, getting into that one.
This is another one.
This is one more sound.
Here we go.
That's kind of similar, similar one.
But yeah, Halloween, man, Halloween.
And you would run, bro, you would have that candy.
Dude, I remember this, I wanted candy so bad.
I remember grabbing like my wiener and just squeezing it.
That's how bad I wanted candy.
And I wanted that snicker, man.
Every time I wanted that snicker, that's exactly, give me that, or did they
have the snicker?
No.
Somebody had a sucker.
What is that?
Bitch, I'll get that at the bank.
I'll get that at a dang, at a bank.
I'll get that at a Whitney bank.
That's what they used to have in Louisiana, that Whitney bank.
It's crazy, man.
It was so much fun.
Dude, and I remember my mom had that station wagon.
And the station wagon, dude, you could hide in the old school.
Now they got these little Subaru legacy.
You know, we had the station wagon.
This thing was that World War II hitter.
You know what I'm saying?
If you got far enough into the back, you could hear soldiers fighting.
That shit, the fifth row.
You know, they had the back seat.
Then they had this big, extra long area.
That was straight up Dunkirk back there.
People were losing their lives back there.
And my mom, they had the station wagon, it had a thing.
It dropped down, you know, because this is when I was probably, let me think,
five, okay, or six.
And the station wagon had a back thing.
It was like a tailgate.
It was a tailgate, and it would just drop down.
It was heavy, bro.
If it came down, you didn't put it back up until maybe springtime or until a
different time of year.
You know, that thing was heavy.
And we would all get on there and hang.
We would all get up.
We'd stand on there and be all dressed up in our costumes.
You know, everybody would be keyed up.
And just, you know, somebody would be, somebody would just be like, I'm like a
bloody ghost.
And they would just, you know, have blood all over them and maybe have a bed
sheet kind of tied around them.
They actually just looked like a Greek person that had been, you know, in a
domestic dispute.
You know, you'd have some horrible fucking costumes.
You know, now it's a little bit more like the parents dress the kids, I feel
like.
When I was young, you dressed, dude, you just, you know, I remember you put a
little bit of dirt on you.
Like, I'm a piece of sod, you know, you put a little bit of, you know, maybe
some grass in your hair.
But it was fun, man.
And we'd all get on the back of that.
We'd get on the back of mom's station wagon and she'd let us stand on the tailgate.
She'd let us stand on the tailgate because I lived in America in the 90s.
And you could stand on the tailgate and you could hold on to the top of the
station wagon and mom would drive around the rich people's neighborhood.
And I'd be on the back of that.
Just waiting and you'd see a house where it looked like they had somebody
sitting out front, like a senior citizen or something, you know, in a rocking
chair.
And they were all dressed up and they, you know, they had like maybe some
decorations.
You'd be like, oh, these motherfuckers got that snicker.
These the people that got the snicker.
Because when I was young, that's all you wanted, man.
Some people during Halloween, they were giving out the little, they used to
have these black, these candies.
They were like, it was just a, it was kind of like somebody, they were orange
and black.
It was just wrapped up and it was barely wrapped up.
Some of the candy was kind of leaking out the back end, you know.
Some of the candy had a little bit of side boob, kind of, you know, a little
brown kind of side boob popping out of the wrapping.
You know, these little candies, they came in little wrappers, little, you know,
little blankets, little duffel bags for candies.
You know, wrappers, wrappers.
And, and they would give you these and it was chewy.
It was chunk.
You didn't even, it was, it was un, it was the unknown candy.
It was like the tomb of the unknown diabetes.
It was just a chunk of, you were like, oh, is this chocolate?
Is it caramel?
Is it, is it apple?
And you would just eat it.
And by the time you even kind of maybe had an idea what it was, it was gone and
you had no idea what it was.
And it was actually absolutely just nothing.
Just garbage straight up.
Just that.
I mean, it was, I mean, it could have been a polio vaccine.
I have no clue what it was.
I mean, it could have been, I just remember it got your sugar up and got you amped
up to go another couple blocks.
You know, and I remember a couple of them.
If you had two or three of the orange ones in a row, you couldn't turn your
neck for a little bit.
That shit would get my neck all tight, make my veins really start, you know,
make my veins kind of dance together and kind of get to know each other a
little bit.
Maybe even doing, you know, make it, make it feel like your neck didn't want,
your neck would get tight.
If I had too many of them little, because they were just unknown candies.
They didn't have a name to them.
They were cheap and they just, it was just enough to get you to that next house
and see if they had a little thing of smarties, bruh.
Rich people always had smarties or, you know it, little Snickers.
Dog, you, on Halloween, bruh, dude, I would train all month in October at the
house, stretching, you know, fighting my, getting beat up by my brother.
You know, pissing my mom off, let her hit me with that leather because I was
going to be ready for October 31st.
When daddy, little daddy, hit the nighttime for those about to rock, we salute
you, hit the nighttime going looking for that Snicker.
And they call me and they see me.
They see me and they know I'm hunting that Snicker and I'd be out there.
And we'd be on the back of moms.
And I've told this story, I probably told it last Halloween, I'd be on the back.
We'd all be lined up on the back of us, one of us.
You know, somebody's just easy, easy, easy costumes.
Somebody's a turtle, you know.
Little Ronald's a turtle, you know.
Little Thaniel, he's a, he's a goat.
And he got real goat hair.
His dad put real honey and goat hair on his back to make him look authentic.
And he's a real little goat boy.
And they put little fake horns on his head, you know.
And they squeezed him maybe into a, they might have squeezed him into a mask.
I don't even know.
They might have squeezed him in one of those tight hitters.
And little Thaniel's all keyed up.
And maybe they even, maybe his daddy had a little bit extra time off of work in
October.
And he put real wood on the bottom of his shoes.
And he nailed it into the bottom of his shoes or super glued it onto the bottom
and painted it black.
So now little Thaniel got real hooves.
And he, you know, maybe he's out there and he have on, you know, children's
underwears or, you know, or even sometimes on Halloween you put on a baby
diaper.
You put a diaper on your body, you know, in case you wanted to piss or
something.
Because you wouldn't, you know, we went hard at Halloween.
There wasn't, and we were in, we were on enemy territory.
We're out there trick-or-treating by the rich.
Do you trick-or-treat in my neighborhood, dude?
You get probably, you get a rash for sure.
Bed bugs.
You get probably, I mean, they have registered, a lot of registered sex
offenders by us.
So, you know, none of these freelance boys, I'm talking people in the union,
you know, them real hitters.
So you wouldn't really, you know, a lot of people by us, then you have calendars.
You stop by dressed up, you know, they might think you a real animal.
If you come by, little Thaniel rolls up as a goat, bro, they might fucking
grill that boy up.
You know, we having a little bit of, we having some rack of Thaniel back here
next weekend.
We having a barbecue.
But yeah, man, we would go, and Thaniel would have, he'd have maybe real goat
hair on him.
You know, his dad would put honey on the back of his legs and honey on his back,
and then they had real goats.
So they'd get real hair off these goats.
Because that's free.
If you have goats, that hair is yours if they're cool with it.
And y