Name: Truck Stops Are The Mecca of the Dark Arts | Theo Von and A Female Trucker
Uploaded: 2020-11-20T17:00:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Truck Stops Are The Mecca of the Dark Arts | Theo Von and A Female Trucker' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Truck Stops Are The Mecca of the Dark Arts | Theo Von and A Female Trucker' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-20. Transcript available.

We had a question that came in right here from some gentleman, or yeah, this
fella right here, this happy guy right here.
Hey, Theo. My name is Brooks, long-time listener from Florida, South Carolina.
My question for your guest tonight is we all know that truck stops are the mecca
of the dark arts.
What's the craziest thing you've ever seen go down at a truck stop?
Thank you for everything you guys both do. Love you. Gang, gang.
Gang, brother. I'll tell you, I'll lead on this one.
Go ahead.
So I was going to college, and I did go, and I went from Louisiana, and I drove
to Tucson, Arizona.
And I had worked all summer, man, to save up some money, so I had me about $1,200
in cash.
And I'd stayed up. I was up. I was doing uppers, gas station uppers, no doses.
Oh, yeah.
I was, you know, snorting whatever they sold.
Any caffeine pill you can get your hands on?
Oh, I was snorting it.
Dude, I did half a damn Mountain Dew Code Reds.
Burn!
Oh, I did half of Mountain Dew Code Reds straight through one of my nostrils.
You know what I'm saying? I fucking do it all.
You should have snorted a Red Bull.
You should have snorted a Red Bull.
Oh, I don't care. I do it all, you know?
So anyway, so I'm up, man. I've been up for probably about 20 hours.
And my car, I had this 84, some kind of car. I don't even know what it was.
It didn't even matter, really. It was a piece of shit.
But it would overheat. So about every maybe 150 miles, it got too hot.
And so I had to pull over and wait about 40 minutes for it to go down.
And then I had to wait for it to cool off so I could put the water in the
radiator.
And then go start back again.
Well, I'd been up for fucking a day and a half, man.
I wasn't doing real well.
So I stopped at a truck stop in, I guess it was maybe Nevada.
I'm not sure about it.
Or Arizona or West Texas somewhere.
But man, I had all my money and I was like, I can't leave it in my car.
Somebody could break in.
I'll leave it on my person, right?
So I took it, put it in my underpants, my cash, right?
So I went into this gas station.
I found a place somewhere upstairs.
They had like this little lobby kind of place.
And I just laid on a bench up there and just went to sleep.
Well, I slept for probably about 40 minutes.
And I forgot that I had my cash in my underpants.
When I stood up, it just fell out my pant leg.
And I lost all my money.
No, you didn't.
Lost it all, man.
Holy shit.
Then here's the shady part.
Then you're wandering around a gas station for two and a half hours asking
people if they
found $1,200 cash, right?
Oh, like they're going to tell you.
Hey, yeah.
They're not.
I'll tell you this.
Oh, sure.
None of them are.
Is it yours?
Would you like to have it back?
None of them are going to tell you.
No.
And the worst part is they all think you're on drugs and shit.
Oh, yeah.
You looking for a piece of crack you dropped on the ground?
Like, have you found $1,200 cash in here?
And they're like, this dude is on fucking gas.
Yeah, you want dope, man?
Yeah.
But there was a question that a guy had asked what the most dangerous thing was.
Yeah.
I did get trash.
There was a time when I was doing a pre-trip, and it was early in the morning.
Sun was out.
It was bright, beautiful morning.
And I was actually close to the truck stop, too.
I wasn't way out in the parking lot.
And it sounds like a bad joke, but it's really not.
I had my hood open, checking all my fluids, checking my belts, everything that
needed to
be checked.
Plus, I was still green at it, so it was taking me a while to make sure I'm
actually probably
over-checking.
Right.
You're doing it all.
Right.
And here comes this Hispanic guy.
He wants to know about how to unplug the e-logs in your truck.
And I was telling him, oh, you go inside of the storage door of your truck and
open it.
Sometimes you can unplug it.
Well, can you come over here to the truck and show me?
I was like, no, no, I just told you, you can go check it yourself.
Damn.
So I went all about my business, wiping stuff, you know, checking.
Here comes two white dudes.
Where's your husband at?
I was like, I said, yeah, straight, straight, straight to it.
I said, he's in there taking a shit, which I was in there by myself.
I don't tell nobody that.
Fake shit husband, Trent.
Yeah.
And he's like, really?
Okay.
They just stood there and he's talking amongst themselves.
I started getting nervous.
And after about 10 minutes, you know, me ignoring them, the guy said, that must
be one long shit.
I said, he's probably just getting something to eat since he's shit.
Yeah.
And he finally, they walked off.
Oh, yeah, circle of life right there.
This black guy, a Milli Vanilli reject.
Oh, damn.
But he's a big dude.
Oof.
Big dude.
Big, tall, 6'3", muscles.
He came in and helped you out?
He's got the long braids.
He's got one braid hanging in the front.
Oh, that's insane.
And he's like, why don't you come over here and give a brother some love?
And I was like, no.
I said, I got to run to do.
I'll drive a truck, you know.
And I put the hood down, latched them, and started walking over here to the
driver's side,
you know, kind of quick speed, and get in my seat and go to grab the door.
To shut it.
And he grabs a hold of my wrist.
No way.
And he yanks.
He yanks so hard that I used my feet and my other hand to hold myself in the
truck.
And he's like, come and give me some love.
And when he yanked, and I braced and caught myself, I grabbed it, yanked my
wrist back,
and shut the door.
And I was already trying to put it in gear before I'd even released the brakes.
Like, I'm really trying to take off, and the truck's like, because the brakes
are still on.
So I had to release them, took off, and trying to peel out of there on gravel
in fourth gear,
you know, with the heavy truck.
And it's like, you know, trying to take off.
And I get down the road and get on the interstate, and broke down, and just
like, damn near cried.
Damn.
You know, because I just went limp.
This guy just tried to yank me out of the truck.
And it scared the shit out of me.
So I texted on the e-logs of my company, Werner, at the time.
The guy just tried to pull me out and sent it.
And they're like, be careful.
That's it.
That's it, honey.
That's the world, baby.
That's the world.
Be careful.
Yeah.
All right.
Thanks for the advice.
I knew that.
Appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, a lot of guys with those dreadlocks, they'll use them to tie you down.
Oh, shit.
I need you to look like you can beat you with them.
Oh, yeah.
I saw a black guy at the gym.
He had two dreadlocks, and he was doing them like those, you know, like those.
These were long enough they could be used as lassos.
Oh, people do them, you know.
People do them wild stuff.
Get you around the throat, yeah.
It's risque out there, man.
Yeah, it is.
It's scary.
It's French risk, baby.
Good evening, good afternoon, and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!