Name: Theo Von on Old School Love
Uploaded: 2020-12-02T17:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Old School Love' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Old School Love' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-02. Transcript available.

Hey, Theo, this is Salim coming at you from Victoria, British Columbia in
Canada.
Salim!
And man, thank you, Canada, for being you.
You know, sometimes I fall asleep at night, I think about Canada, bro.
I'll be honest with you, dude. No homo, bro, or no snowmo.
But I think about Canada.
And I think sometimes I just, I'll lay in bed, I'll just think about damn
Canada, bro.
And I'll think about a newborn baby just riding naked on a, just on a damn
reindeer's back.
And just looking for God, bro.
Both of them, the little, the little babies on the back of the reindeer, and he
just looking for the Lord, bro.
And there's just something beautiful about that shit, bro.
And I'll be honest, I'll be the first to tell you, I didn't think Canada was a
real place when I was growing up.
When I was young, somebody said, hey, a wolf, you know, a wolf attack, they had
a drawing at school, it was a picture of a wolf attacking a boy.
And it said Canada on it.
I said, damn, boy.
So I thought Canada was just a place where America, where we, you know,
practice safety equipment, where we mailed safety equipment to see if it worked
and they mailed it back.
I thought it was a company, you know, kind of a, you know, probably a 3.5 star
company out of five stars.
But that's a, that's a myth, man.
I've been smoking methamphetamines, bro, if I'm thinking that.
I've been getting high on methamphetamines if I've been thinking that because
Canada, Canada's amazing.
If you meet somebody from Canada, bro, hug them, shake their hand, fuck them,
treat them well, baby.
Feed them, you know, massage them, garage them, bro.
Put them in your garage, you feel me what I'm saying?
Do something for them because they're good people.
Anyway, thank you, Salim Onward.
And I have a thing going on.
And I recently met this girl that I really like.
And the issue, though, is she is very COVID conscious.
I guess not an issue makes sense.
And basically, we go on a couple of dates, we're hanging out from a distance,
and, like, we can't really, you know, make any physical contact or kiss each
other, hug or whatever.
And that's tough, I feel like.
Like, for me, I don't know what she thinks about no physical contact in a
relationship.
And also, I'm heading back to Ontario, outside of Toronto, in a couple months.
So, I don't know, you know, really what I'm doing or why.
So, you're Canadian, she's afraid of COVID.
This is like Snow Mio and Hachoo Liet.
You know, she's scared of something, you really, you know.
And you're from the great dub end, baby.
You feel me, that white north, bro, that Blanco up top, gang shit.
Onward.
But, the circumstances point, no, but I like her and I like seeing her.
So, love to hear your thoughts.
Love the podcast.
You're a hilarious guy.
And you've taught me a lot just listening to you talk.
Gang, gang, brother.
Gang, baby.
Thank you, Salim.
Man, let me tell you, I'll say this.
First of all, man, I think, you know, this is a beautiful story.
And this is why I listen to this podcast.
Because sometimes it reminds me that there is still a human part of life.
Sometimes it does.
Sometimes it don't remind me of anything.
But sometimes it reminds me that there's still this element of people.
There's still this fabric inside us that wants to be seen.
And that fabric, a lot of times, it's like the textile of the human condition.
And sometimes it's fun.
And sometimes it's real.
And sometimes it's tragic.
And sometimes it's alive.
And sometimes it's dead, almost.
But it's just bare.
And it's nice.
Something about this does that for me.
This call.
Because it just.
You know, not every relationship is.
Come over here.
And let me look up your booty.
You know, there's a lot of love out there that still has this old-fashioned
wagon wheel kind of environment.
You know, there's a lot of love out there that's like, hey, I met you and I'm
thinking about you.
And it's not a million texts a day.
And it's not a.
You know, look, I'll be honest.
I met a girl a couple months ago.
And we met up in a park.
And, you know, I tried to get to see her tits from about 20 feet away.
She said no.
And she drove off.
And she thought I was probably a piece of shit.
And she was probably right.
But you're doing something else, man.
You have a really.
There's a love thing going on there.
And you're just kind of contemplating, well, what if I, you know, I could lose
this girl.
I could go on.
You know, I have to go.
And that's called extradition when you got to leave the country.
And, you know, I'm glad that not everybody's allowed to stay.
Unfortunately, you know, if you run over here with a damn hatchet and shoot up
a dollar general, they let you stay.
But, you know, you're a decent Canuck over here doing, you know, trying to fall
in love.
And they, you know, but those are the rules.
But what were we talking about just now?
But love, man, there's something special about that.
You know, there used to be something special about when somebody wasn't around
just thinking about them.
Man, I remember I had a big crush on this girl, Katie.
And people called her kind of fat Katie, I think.
But I just called her just Katie.
And if she was fat, man, good.
That meant there was more of her, bro.
Because I was in love with her.
And I wrote Katie on my pillow and someone would just go lay in my bed and just
hug this pillow as hard as I could.
And I just hoped that somehow she just knew how much I just cared about her.
And somehow in that little process of me hugging this pillow, it was, that was
the old school, like, just texting or stalking on Instagram.
That was the old, that was, it was a real visceral thing.
You know, back in the day, somebody would get a knife and they would just go
out to a park bench and just be like, I'm gonna fuck Bridget.
And they would just write that in there.
And that, you know, it was just, that meant something.
It was putting it out into the world without putting it right into somebody's
damn ear hole.
And it gave the world a chance to say, okay, I'm a, maybe this will land over
by them or maybe it won't.
We let the world play a role.
It used to be, you'd put your feelings onto a kite.
It used to be, you'd put your feelings like, you know, you'd take them and you'd,
you'd blow them into a balloon of sorts.
And just let them off into the world.
And maybe they would land on the person's heart they were intended for.
Maybe they wouldn't.
But now it's, everything's so direct.
We just take it and we write it on an arrow.
You know, damn it, I love you.
And I'm a pervert.
And you just, now you just fire it right at them.
And we just, the world, we don't let the world work.
We don't let the world have a say anymore.
So I feel you, man.
There's something magical about if you go or if you stay or if there's
something magical about being at a distance.
Because we used to always have to be at a distance.
You couldn't permeate someone as immediately as you could now.
You had to kind of let the world play a role.
But I, um, I love where your head's at and I love where your heart's at, man.
And I think one thing you can do, this is a great time for some romance.
Whether this works out or not.
It's a great time, you know, to do something, like do a, do a, uh, scavenger's
hunt.
You know, you could do something sweet.
You could, um, you know, put a message in a bottle and throw it in their yard.
You know, you could do something like that.
Mow a message in the grass, you know.
Let me hit that.
You wrote it over there.
But it's a chance, man.
It's a real chance to do something kind of sweet, I think.
Yeah, uh, uh, and you could do a, do a, um, a poem.
Use your words.
That's a great idea.
Use your words.
You know, write her a letter.
Write her a letter about how you're feeling sexually.
Do her a poem.
You know, maybe, maybe, uh, sex, sex feet away.
This is for you, baby.
This is called sex feet away.
I want that booty.
But the air got diseases.
I want that cuda.
But we got to bleach our creases.
I want that monkey.
And I want it on my tonsils.
But I don't want you to die, baby.
I'm COVID conscious.
Gang, baby.
Hit her with that.
Hit her with that.
Bam!
That word hammer, dog.
But yeah, use your words.
Use your feelings.
And let it ride, man.
Mail it to her.
Mail it to her.
Stand out.
But thank you for that question, man, and that call.
Gang, shit.
Praise God, man.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
And other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!