Name: Theo Von on The Birds and the Bees Talk
Uploaded: 2020-12-03T19:30:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on The Birds and the Bees Talk' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on The Birds and the Bees Talk' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-03. Transcript available.

hey phil this is uh luke from kansas city luke from kc and we appreciate you
brother
and i was uh i was in a burning building once in kansas city um but i just made
a sandwich and so
i didn't evacuate and i ate that sandwich onward i'm over here trying not to
delete
one of these uh cigarettes but i got burning in my pocket right now uh i just
wanted to call and
say i love the show man i um i really appreciate it make me laugh man your uh
commentary on tampa
which i have a good friend and that took me to an underbelly of tampa uh was
spot on oh yeah tampa's
a good place to get uh i mean somebody will take your organs right out of your
body with a knife
and then freaking you know sell you a cigar bro gang shit onward uh my i just
had a question about
you know his son he's uh he's coming of age you know not too soon he's nine but
i know that you
know the time's coming for the birds and the bees and uh i just wanted to get
your take on how do you
break that down you know i know i didn't really get you know too much uh
explaining you know when i was
younger and uh i just want to give him the tools man and i just want to give
you you know what are
your thoughts on uh you know the birds and the bees to it to a young man thank
you amen thank you so much
for that question and he's talking about sex he's talking about sex he's not
talking about pets or
anything like that he's talking about sex for children
and um you know it's here's the thing i think the thing is with talking about
sex with children
you want to be the first person to to to kind of to present it to him you want
to be the diving board
he's gonna hear something he'll hear a word you want to be the one to start the
to present it to
him because i remember when i was young they had a fella in our neighborhood
who ended up actually
taking his uh grandmother's life and she was our lunch lady and r.i.p annie and
uh and she scoop
you out the peas and she fucking she by the time she got that scoop to you she
had half the peas on
there she had damn dyslexia in her wrists you know she couldn't put together a
damn scoop of peas but
uh but anyway um what was i talking about oh this dude so he made i mean he
didn't make it but he
this dude one time you know he masturbated and he jo jerked out you know
spraying out they called it
locally but he jerked out and uh he made us kind of watch him he didn't make us
watch him but this was
right after football season ended right before baseball so kind of that time
when there wasn't
you know not a lot going on and so he you know it was opportune time if you
you know this is you know if it was just you know time you'd almost try
anything you know you try you
know you know you'd eat laffy taffies even though you hated them you you know
but anyway this guy jerked
made us watch him anyway his dad saw it happen and his dad was not pleased with
it so i remember his dad
made us sit in their house and he put like stick them on our hands you know
like uh spray enamel
um and he then he put our hand like a sand like a coarse kind of sand and then
he made us look at
pornography in their living room and so we're there watching and he told us he
said you can't touch
yourselves you know so everybody's just sitting there damn erect and uh and the
dad was making chili
the whole time he's making chili in the kitchen man so i can't even drive
through cincinnati without just
springing bored you feel me but um anyway but here's what i'm saying is i didn't
know anything
about sex and you you want to be the one to to to introduce him to it you don't
want some guy you
know spray enamel in his hands out there and making him watch pornography so
they got you just uh
you know you got to be you got to be a part of his life i remember i heard the
word dildo
and somebody at school was like do you know what a dildo is i was like yeah and
i didn't know
and they didn't tell me and then i'm on the school bus and i told the school
bus driver
miss hazel i told her straight up she had them big ass dildos on her chest
and um and she sent me to the principal office and this one they still spanked
you
so lawton mckee this man spanked the f out of me but nobody still told me what
it meant no i just
didn't know anything you know it was just a different time man um
my buddy scotty's dad he came one time i was staying with them he came in the
bedroom he said look
first time at his house he goes you fellas can sleep pole to pole or hold a
hole but don't sleep
pole to hole
man i didn't know what the hell he was talking about dude we tried to figure it
out we
we're laying there and flipping over and doing this and that and
hell i know i just slept on the floor i slept at the foot of the bed next to a
damn um
uh they had a golden retriever but um anyway you just i'm saying you want to be
the one to talk to
them you want to be the one to prevent present the information i remember
another buddy of mine
his this boy jeff and his daddy did mail and his daddy did uh you know post manning
and he one time he he he he said you want don't want to find a loose woman he
said
and he put like a little bag over my head from the store a tight bag and he put
it on my head kind
of taped it around my neck a little bit he said you feel that i said yeah i can
barely breathe you know
and then he took that off and then he put his mail bag over my head u.s postal
mail set on u.s mail
and he said you feel that you got all this room in that bitch and he said you
want the first one
and so that's how he was trying to teach me about women and loose women
and he said if if she'll smoke she'll poke and i mean if you if a woman was
doing a cigarette
they was willing to do sex you know just old little limericks and stuff scottish
kind of stuff
so anyway i think you just want to be the person to talk to him you know you
want to be the uh
you want to be the person to talk to him so maybe just ask me i think a good
way could be is there
words that you haven't heard before is there are there words you have any
questions about are there
terms you've heard um you know do you have any thoughts about your body do you
have any thoughts
about other people's bodies you know have him draw a teddy see where he's at
with it
you know i have him you know ask him what if he knows anything about a cooter
see what he said he
might not know nothing so but um anyway but that's a suggestion i have if you
have a suggestion on how
to teach a child about the birds and the bees you can hit the hotline 985-664-9503
good evening good afternoon and other times thanks for watching that video you
just saw i mean it was
okay but the next video you could watch could be way better what if you watch a
video right now that
changes your life well you could watch this one or watch this one watch this
one watch this one watch this
one ah