Name: Seducing A Plumber
Uploaded: 2020-12-08T12:54:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Seducing A Plumber' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Seducing A Plumber' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-08. Transcript available.

What's some wild stories that happen out there man? Oh man wild like or tell me
something gross crazy
You know, I got them all chicks trying to have sex to pay off their bill. Is
that true?
Oh, yeah, that happens. I never did because you're a handsome guy
I'm sure you go in there and there's the opportunity for sex every now and then
it's happened
You know, I had a lady in Seattle. She was she's good-looking. She's you know
She it took forever for her to come to the door. I still remember it because
she was trying so hard you I mean
Right, you can tell when somebody's coming on to you, right? Yeah, you know, i'm
blind and all but yeah
I mean i'm a dude
We miss most of those signs all the time a lot of times you miss them
But so if you don't miss them if a regular dude doesn't miss them, it must
really becoming strong
That's what I realized this chick answered the door in a very thin white t-shirt
Okay, and that's it wow and that t-shirt was just long enough. Oh, yeah, right
And then her stuff was upstairs. So i'll show you, you know
Follow me so I followed her up the stairs staring at her ass the whole way up
Mmm, so I could plunge her toilet in 30 seconds and fix it
And then she has me sit there for like 20 minutes. I bet
While she sings karaoke to me on her little private karaoke machine. No way
Still in this little t-shirt. Oh, yeah with great big titties
That you can see every bit of there. She didn't even need to be wearing the t-shirt
boat that a tit you could see them
Oh, yeah, I mean the the the the shirt is so thin you can see right through oh
So but the point was I knocked on the door and I got there
And I got no answer and I knocked again and knocked again it it took her like
five minutes to come to the door
And were you getting scared? What do you think she was doing? I was thinking
she wasn't there?
I heard her at first when she first came up. I heard her come to the door. She
looked through the peephole
She saw I wasn't an old fat dude probably, you know, because you don't know
what plumbers showing up to your house. That's true, huh?
So and then it was I kept knocking I'm like so I called dispatch cuz at the
time
It was this roto you were gonna road. Yeah
At the time this was before cell phones. So all we had was Nextel. Oh, yeah
Yeah, you know, hey, can you call this customer that I'm here at her house and
I've knocked I hear that she's in there
She ain't answering. Oh, yeah, so they call him. Oh, okay. She's coming to the
door. I'm like, cool. Thank you
And she answers the door like them
Now I know what the fuck she was doing
She went got already and put her makeup on and whatever else
Was she wearing sunglasses or anything? Nope, nope, nope, nope. She's
Slightly a little bit on the heavyset side, but you know good looking and it's
afternoon. Is it morning?
It was morning probably 10 11 o'clock in the morning, you know cares what
anybody's body's like in the morning, you know, right?
South African white chick. So that'll kind of get an accent. Oh, yeah
It you know, but still, you know, I'm on the job, right? You're professional.
Are you wearing a uniform? Oh, yeah
Yeah, and at the time I was single and still
You don't shit where you eat no matter what
No, you just
You don't fuck where you clean shit
There you go
Or you don't fuck where you clean shit because that's that's true, too
But I I don't know something got instilled in me years ago
Don't ever have anything to do with anything with work like that, right? You
know what I mean?
Yeah, don't fuck your clients. It's gonna yeah
Yeah, yeah, and it's still a bad thing man
Once you put sex into any work equation, it all becomes uncomfortable. That's
why me and nick
Is that why you guys don't get along? That's why we go to separate rooms and
touch ourselves
No, we've never done anything like that man, and we never will nick and that's
why it's working so well
Yeah, that's why it's working so well dude. Look, I promise you the second me
and him
Have any sexual interaction? It's over
It is over, bro
It is over and I think he would agree to that
So I moved to washington
No, so the lady you're there you're in the place
Oh, I that was it
Oh, I I hate you know, it's such as it could have been so
What karaoke music though? That's what I mean. What karaoke music?
Oh, she's singing like love songs and stuff and trying to like sell me her
voice basically and and
You know why was she saying that she used to do music she considered and she
was totally into music and and she wanted me to hear her sing
She was trying to get me to nail her on the couch right there. Wow
And where was the uh, karaoke machine?
This was after unstopping the toilet. I had gone back downstairs to write the
invoice
I'm sitting on the couch. She's next to me on the couch. Oh, yeah
I got i've given her the invoice
She's got the checkbook and instead of writing me the check so I can go to my
next job
She spends all this time singing trying to
Seduce me basically and i'm trying to be nice and trying to be cordial. I'm not
And look lady. What song though? What song? I can't yeah 20 years man. This is
literally 20 years ago. I bet
15 years ago
I I just can't remember. Was it rap music? No, no, I want to say it was like
slow
Like put your head on yeah, so something you know
Something softer than that. Oh, wow. Yeah sexual healing
Marvin gaye, I think you got it
She she was she was pulling out all the stops to try I had another lady
In the same town grab my junk and come in and grab me and kiss me and I had to
literally I was married at that time
So, I you know, you said hey
Well, even if I wasn't right get off me pay me my money. Let me go right. Let
me go
Mostly, I'd be so scared
You know
We're in an age of lawsuits
Yeah, now we definitely are though
But 15 years ago people I think we still were and what if it don't work out say
this girl kisses me and I
Throw her on the floor and just ravage her and we have a great time
Yeah, and then I don't call her back and now she calls my company and says he
Rape me on the floor and or whatever, you know
Don't even go down that road. Don't even cross that bridge so yeah, I mean in
hindsight
Do you ever fantasize about having having had a romantic instance though about
you know, obviously the the south african one kind of stands out
If if I could have gone back now being single I you know, I probably could have
taken a run at that and had a good time
Yeah, and all would have been fine, but a mate
Yeah, I don't think they say that
I think I need a fucking plumber in my head
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my
home
And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it I'll patch up where it's been
blown