Name: TPW #317 Hitters
Uploaded: 2021-01-20T04:05:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'TPW #317 Hitters' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'TPW #317 Hitters' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-20. Transcript available.

I don't like eating vegetababos.
When I was young, they had a fella in my neighborhood named Lil' Allen.
Damn, he was small, brother.
He couldn't even put a large grape in his mouth.
And I'll say this, every Wayne somehow gets called Wild Wayne, which is
bullshit.
They need to definitely see how much of these Waynes is wild.
Oh, I had a damn dough.
My God, I had a donut.
A hamster is not a vetable animal.
That's a to-go lunch for a wolf.
Some bad bitch over there at the Nashville MMA put me into a damn figure nine
last week.
I can't even answer the phone.
One of my hands is all stagnant because of whatever she did to me.
Damn, hexed me.
It's time to feel sexy.
Quit feeling homeless.
Quit feeling like you just had nine pence of ice cream.
When my father still lived with us, we went to Pizza Hut.
And it was a damn four star, four and a quarter.
Four and a quarter stars.
It was a four and a quarter star establishment when I was young.
It could be a birthday party.
And you blowing out a candle when you're seeing that flame go out.
And you catch the eye of a real fine match in the distance.
You know, I got us.
You want to look her in the eyes and say, look.
This little fella named Mikey.
And they called him Roger, but his name was Mikey.
But they called him Roger.
They sold pizza.
You know, round Italian.
People would pay for the silent bar just for the pudding.
Twitter is a shithole.
Somebody out in Beverly Hills got a pet mosquito in a back brace.
Bitch, let the Lord.
Your frog has a lisp.
That don't mean it needs a speech therapy.
It needs a grave.
You know, and they had a guy who used to live by me.
This boy named Chucky.
And he used to put in the shopping carts away at Del Champs.
And he damn lied.
And he was doing drugs.
Praise God, Bam Ptl, baby.
Get in there.
Can I cut this thing in a quarter?
Because I knew out the gate this was a bad bitch.
This little Don.
I bet you can't do it like me.
Oh, I bet you can't do it like me.
Oh, I bet you can't do it like me.
You know.
When I was young, Gummy Bears was a damn.
Hell, it was a f***ing program.
As a child, you thought maybe you might meet them one day in the woods.
But we would sit there and some kids would piss themselves.
Some kids didn't even know how to work their bladder.
The parents would bring them there and they'd just piss out.
What is that thing called?
Not Sims, but it's like a battle where you have crops and, you know.
Hey, Donnie, get the wood, you know.
Hey, Cheryl, huh?
Want your farm?
Farm!
People will pay for us.
Yeah!
The family ended up having a damn fire and somebody burned to death with all
the best recipes.
I know it's been a while and I'm glad that you're here now and I'm glad to be
able to check in with you.
Do you, have you been alive?
What have you been, what is going on?
Yeah.
Yeah, I've been alive.
Okay, and what else, man?
Give me a little bit more than that.
Give me, have you been outdoors?
You've been indoors?
Do Vietnamese people get COVID a lot or no?
I have no idea.
Okay.
Any other words of wisdom?
No.
Riley Mell, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from my
home?
And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's
been blown.