Name: A Hamster Is Not A Vetable Animal
Uploaded: 2021-01-23T03:34:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Hamster Is Not A Vetable Animal' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Hamster Is Not A Vetable Animal' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-23. Transcript available.

Hey, Theo, how you doing? This is Ali out in Dubai. I hope you're doing...
What's up, Ali? In Dubai, my brother, and I'm envious of you.
And take care of Michael Chandler and Dustin Poirier when they're over there.
And take care of Dan Hooker and Conor McGregor.
And take care of all them boys when they're over there.
Knuckle-tussling, man. Gang, praise God. Brother, onward.
Doing well. I wanted to get your thoughts on hamster healthcare.
You're the resident hamster expert, as we all know.
And I wanted to give you a quick call to get your thoughts about how we should
be treating hamsters when they're sick.
Amen, brother. And this ought to be interesting. Let's go, brother, onward.
Long story short, my wife bought my kids a couple dwarf hamsters about a year
ago.
Okay. Yeah, and that's Roborovsky's, man. Dwarf hamsters are Roborovsky's.
And they're small and they're real cute.
They look almost like somebody just, you know, tickled a marshmallow and put
eyes in it. Onward.
They're like hamsters, but smaller.
Hence the name Dwarf.
And one of them got sick a couple weeks ago, a few weeks ago.
His eyes swelled up.
And my kid thought he was blind in one eye.
And I said, okay, just give him a patch.
Give him a little cane.
He'll be okay.
Or send him outside and let the neighborhood cats have their way and let nature
take its course.
But my wife thought, no, we got to take him to the vet.
So we got into a little bit and then she took him to the vet.
The vet hit us with some dwarf hamster healthcare, which cost me about $100.
Yeah, well, look.
And Ali, and I love it.
And I'm glad y'all out there loving animals and loving the essays, baby.
Them small animals.
You know, and they had a guy who used to live by me, this boy named Chucky.
And he used to, you know, he'd smoke cigarettes.
And, you know, he used to fucking, supposed to be putting the shopping carts
away at Del Champs.
And he damn lied.
And he was doing drugs.
But, um, uh, what I'm telling you, look, a hamster is not a vetable animal.
You know, a hamster, that's a dang, look, it's not, I mean, it's, I mean, it's,
that's a, you know, a ham, a hamster is not a vetable animal, brother.
It's a, that's a to-go lunch for a wolf.
You know, I really think you should just let the Lord work on him there,
brother.
He took his blood pressure, checked his heart rate, this kind of stuff, a
little bit strange to me.
Any case, they also hit him with some antibiotics.
So we were giving him antibiotics for a couple weeks and then he died.
He, uh, they, they didn't work.
And so now we buried him in the backyard.
God is the number one veterinarian, okay?
God is the number one veterinarian, especially for a hamster, okay?
Your hamster gots a cataract?
That means it's looking for the Lord, baby.
Your pony needs a hip replacement?
That don't mean spend $20 to get little Daisy a new piss hinge, okay?
Let the Lord work.
That means the Lord gots his tool belt on and he's ready to go to work.
Your frog has a lisp?
That don't mean it needs a speech therapy.
It needs a grave.
A grave is the Lord's lost and found.
Let the Lord collect them and refurb them, you feel me?
Your hyena needs a chin bone?
Well, let the Lord.
Your kitten got a cleft palate?
Well, let the Lord.
Your guinea pig got arthritis?
Well, LTL, baby.
Let the Lord.
Y'all out here tinkering with the man's work.
Somebody out in Beverly Hills got a pet mosquito in a back brace.
Bitch, let the Lord.
You trying to teach a turtle Spanish?
Uh, let el Lorde.
Y'all need to quit acting like God don't do the work.
And L, hell, hell, let the Lord.
Okay, that's what I'm telling you right there, baby.
And thank you for calling Ali, man.
You guys be good over there, brother gang.
I'm just sitting on your front porch
wondering how could I be so far from my home.
And my mind is somewhere else,
but when I file it, I'll patch up where it's been blown.