Name: Theo hunts with Falcon Hawks
Uploaded: 2021-02-06T05:58:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo hunts with Falcon Hawks' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo hunts with Falcon Hawks' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-06. Transcript available.

I went hunting I went hunting for something and outdoors hunting you know not
just looking for
something like a remote control I'm talking I did it I went out there and I'll
tell you about it so
I uh a friend of mine out here an adult he knows a man who does falconry you
know deviant birds
and I'm not going to say that these birds are caught up with the dark arts but
us I mean they are
each one of them had probably half a can of Voldemort in them and that's really
the truth and
um so the man does falconry and um you know Bobby Kennedy Jr. had talked about
it when he was a guest
on here about being around falcons and and you know kind of doing homing
pigeons that sort of thing
when he was growing up but basically what happened was we went and met up with
this man behind a church
or in front of a church actually first first we met in front of a church we
pulled up he had a maroon van
with two decent uh birds in it big you know big I'm talking about these things
these things were from the damn
they are from the middle of the bible these things they was really I mean these
were you know some of
the get those game of thrones or these these birds bro if these birds shit it
would drown a baby you know
what I'm saying it was a they had these birds were they were real birds you
know like you won't see if
you see one of these birds with a canary it's only because they trying to fuck
you know what I'm saying
like these birds was more about they were more prehistoric prehistorical you
know like if you went back
in time and and you saw a bird it might be one of these that's what I'm telling
you so anyway we get
out there and the man has two falcons in the back of a red van and I didn't
believe him you know because
I grew up in kind of a you know kind of a troubled area and a lot of times a
guy says hey I got two
falcons in the back of a van somebody's breaking their dick out to be honest
and uh but this guy
you know he it was they were real honest and um and they had them you know and
everybody was clothed
and they had the birds and so we go back behind the church and he has a friend
there another man
and now we're with two men adult men and they both had on um what is it called
when you're hopeful the
it's like a basketball rim but it's for your hand it's like a um jesus not a
championship uh
they both had on wedding rings and so next thing you know we get in the woods
they have the birds they
have a little dog too and the dog and they're called uh tumble creek falconry i
want to get the name
right hold on i think that was it tumble creek falconry and they do falconing
and uh and so anyway
we get out there so they give us a big stick because they want you to have a
big stick if you're out
there this thing called what is it called here uh turnbull creek falconry and
they're legitimate
and so you get out there and they give you a big stick like a big like a bottom
of an axe like an axe
like if you're like if you're an axe person but you quit axing you know but you
still want to have the
stick but you don't want to have the blade and they it's about four feet long
and you go you go along you
beat the trees right you beat the trees and um and the birds first of all here
let me let me backpedal
hold on
the birds
the birds uh the birds they get them out the cage they got helmets on they got
little
like uh hide and go seek little outfits you know almost like if your
grandmother wanted if your
grandmother wanted to make you a hide and go seek outfit for when you counted
it's like a little um
it covers your eyes you know what horses wear
if you've ever been to a fancy city and they got a couple horses down there
and they usually have an alcoholic that's running them and they'll you know for
a few dollars they'll
pull you and your lady through the city and you can ask her if she wants to
marry you or not or
whatever or you don't have to ask her a lot of times by the end of the horse
ride you're like damn
i don't even want to marry this woman and so you just keep the ring in your
pocket and you go home
but um but anyway it's like the blinders like the blinders so they have that on
the birds to the birds
they come out they both got uh
little blinders on full blinders they can't see anything
like if you asked them how many fingers you was holding up they wouldn't squat
so they got the two birds and um
and dude it feels like old school it feels like you would be the it feels like
if you showed up with
these things you would get the most
pussy at a renaissance fair and i'm sorry for saying pussy as well
so i want to say that also but um
you would be oh
you would have all the big titty
at a ren fair
if you showed up with these straight up just falcons baby these heat seekers
i'm talking about the lord's freaking southwest airlines baby big birds
so anyway they come out with the little head caps on and they're moving but it
looks like they're
sleeping but basically um so then you start walking in the woods you take off
their head caps
and uh and they fly up into the trees
so now you have two birds up in the air
in the trees and some of them they'll swoop off and do a just a loop-de-loop
and come back to a branch
and so the rest of us men grown men
we wander
and you get in different lines and you wander through the woods and everybody
has like a piece of an axe
a stick an axe bottom an axe leg
i don't know what it's called axe leg and you hit the trees with it
and you hit the underbrush
and you hit the tree
and you're hoping you round up a squirrel
or round up a little rabbit you know one of mr mcgregor's little buddies little
cotton tail
and you keep going and the birds they'll as you walk the birds will they will
kind of jump from
they'll hop there are kind of coast from one tree to the next
so you guys are moving in like this like this unique pack where they're
upstairs and you're
downstairs but everybody's in the same kind of move moving hunt house it's like
this you're just
it's not a real house but you're just you know you're kind of in a pack
and then suddenly something will happen like you'll hit a tree and it'll make a
and a little squirrel will have been being real secretive and he'll move his
neck
and that that's all it takes for these uh big birds is one just
just one jostle of a neck muscle and they and next thing you know they're on
the tree and they start to
they start to like uh corner the the squirrel so we get the squirrel he's
moving they corner the squirrel
so one of the birds gets ahead of it one of his and blows it and then they jump
from branch to branch
and then next thing you know one of them goes in for the attack
and uh and that was it man we you know we did they did us and that's nature
you know people want to say this and that that's nature baby okay and it's all
you know god laid out those mar those marbles
you know he laid that's we're not you can say this and that but that's
that's somebody else's plan don't talk to me about it go pray about it if you
have an issue with it
because that's just that's what those birds do
so anyway the birds were you know they get a squirrel and then
oh and the birds will hold the squirrel down it was wild so they they caught
one squirrel and then they caught a
there's a little dog as well
a little white and black dog maybe mexican i don't know i didn't get a good
look in his eyes but he was mixed
he was real real mixed man he uh he had that jack russell in him baby that eddie
bravo you know what i'm saying
and he was real pertinent he was real particular he would go over he was only
hunting
and if you try to pet him or scratch his belly he'd kick you bro this dog
it wasn't this wasn't no
you know he was on on the job that's like a fedex man you try to run up and
tickle him or something or
you know or hide one of his boxes he might fuck you up and that's like this guy
this this dog was
so we went through and what else did they catch they caught a rabbit and a possum
and it was just magical man at the beginning of the day i'm like scared of the
birds and by the end of the
day i'm like i'm just i'm like i feel like the birds are like working for me
and i'm in
i mean i feel like i'm on the damn fifth page of the bible baby i'm keyed up
you know what i'm saying
we're hunting and they're picking up stuff i'm sending one of the birds to go
get me some uh
twizzlers and mike and ike's like these birds it's just really you start to
become like uh conan the barbarian
you know i thought about trying to do something where i learned new stuff like
just how to do new things or have new experiences
um because i've been looking for things in the woods when i was young
but i'd never been actually really hunting
you know except to hunt oh actually that's not true i've been i've been out to
hunt
pigs and i've been out to hunt uh boar like boars but i've been out been out to
hunt um
ducks one time but you know i like that hand-to-hand combat and it feels more
like that with uh with the
with the birds with the hawks i mean there might have been hawks i think they
were they might have
been hawks but um not atlanta i think they were from well they must have been
from here so yeah local
hawks but uh whatever they were man it was fascinating it was fascinating and
and yeah we got a real experience and it was like about a three four hour high
uh hunt
and it just i don't know it just made me feel so involved with nature
you know it made me feel right there i just felt i just felt like a root
that's what i felt like and i'm used to feeling like a branch
and it was pretty powerful hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch
another and you can watch
this one you can watch this one different options different choices some guy
just brings
you one option not this guy two options watch one this one or this one