Name: Saint Patrick's Day
Uploaded: 2021-03-07T20:00:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Saint Patrick's Day' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Saint Patrick's Day' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-07. Transcript available.

Happy St. Paddy's Day to everybody.
So if you got a small buddy or whatever,
or even just somebody who loves alcohol,
or just likes green lipstick or anything,
you know, if you like somebody,
you know, a lot of people smoke crack on St. Patrick's Day.
And it has nothing to do with being Irish or anything,
or nothing about luck.
So whatever.
Went to the St. Patrick's Day parade yesterday.
That shit was disorganized to say the least.
I love New Orleans, but I do not like that parade yesterday.
I mean, it was so Irish, dude.
It was almost Scottish.
That's how bad it was, dude.
It was pretty close to Scottish.
The Scottish people are about the realest people in the game, dude.
I mean, they're thugs, man.
They're beautiful thugs, man.
They are beautiful.
They are just the forgotten children of the universe.
They still fight with swords.
You could be at a hospital in Scotland.
Easily, a couple dudes show up with wounds from ordinary sword wounds.
He'd be like, what kind of sword did you get hit with?
Then he's like, oh, just an ordinary sword.
Dude, those people are still just fighting each other with fire.
Biting.
A lot of people biting each other there.
That's the kind of place where you still get bit, dude.
You got to be on your bite game.
St. Paddy's Day.
It's like the one day a year as a man, if you aren't gay, that you could be gay.
I've never seen so many dudes.
I think I talked about this last St. Patrick's Day.
They're kissing each other just because they got a green shirt on.
It's like, oh, hey, you know, like men just drink all that day drink and make
you kiss another man.
And everybody's saying no, but everybody's thinking, well, maybe.
And especially St. Patrick's Day.
Everybody got a shirt, kiss me, I'm Irish.
And I saw at least 20 men, you know, 10 pairs of two men, you know, 40 lips,
just hit each other head on.
Just that head on collision of lips.
And they were just all in the name of Ireland, I guess.
And alcoholism.
People wearing kilts, men wearing skirts, showing up wearing beads and skirts,
kissing other men.
Because everybody's Irish all of a sudden.
You know, and so that's the gateway.
I mean, that's, if you want to be gay, you know, how Irish do you want to get?
You want to duck off over here behind this Subaru and fucking touch each other's
warm kneecaps?
How Irish you want to get?
Because I saw some adult men with families getting real Irish.
You know, I'm talking about behind the Shonies kind of Irish.
Because when I was young, they would have a lot of straight men would meet up
behind the Shonies.
And, you know, jerk each other off and do stuff like that.
And then go back to their families.
Because when I was young, you couldn't just, you know,
it wasn't as people who were gay couldn't openly be gay.
And, you know, I think about that struggle sometimes or what that.
Could you imagine being something and not being able to be it?
That's, I mean, it's just, I couldn't imagine what that, you know, that pain of
that.
But then there was probably for a lot of gay men, there was that one day.
Oh, here it comes.
Put it on the calendar.
March 17th.
When all I got to do is put on a green shirt and I can gay the fuck out.
Without any judgment.
And look, man, I saw it in Tacoma.
You think they are in Spokane.
You think these men out there, they're hard heads and they're living like this
and that.
They got three and four children.
But they see, they, suddenly they see another man who's looking hella Irish.
And all of a sudden I saw these two men just kiss face to face and they could
have been family.
That's another thing.
You got a hot cousin.
You think your stepdaddy's cute.
It's March 17th.
Fucking slide him a note.
Check yes or no, Papa.
You know, this, that's the day.
It should just be the day where you, anything goes.
That's what they should start calling it.
You know, let's get Irish.
You know what I'm saying?
If you a lady and you want to, you know, you want to touch somebody up in the
vulva, do your thing.
Do that digit dance, you know.
Get your carpels out.
Get your carpels out and go through that brief filing cabinet.
Do a little bit of a giling.
You know what I'm saying, boy?
They only got two folders in that cabinet, boo-boo.
But people are getting hella Irish, man.
And, you know, and it's a joyous day.
And that's one thing, you know, I don't drink right now in my life.
And that's one thing I miss is I do miss some day drinking.
Because anything could happen when you're day drinking.
Somebody jerk you off in a truck.
You jerk yourself off somewhere.
It's daytime.
You know, it's like the wolves are out.
It's like full, it's almost like a full moon.
But all day long.
And that's what always St. Paddy's was for me.
That's what St. Paddy's was for me, man.
It was fun.
Eating chowder and drinking beer and people puking.
Adults crying.
Man, I saw this one lady.
She was probably 37.
Just, you know, when you're crying so much and she was trying to eat some, what
did she have?
A bag of, what are those chips?
Those, they are like these little hats.
These chips, they look like little bitty hats.
Like you could put them on your finger and make five little hats.
Or if they had a gnome and he was wearing like a little corn hat, you know, or
a dunce, you know, like if someone, if they used to have these dunce hats, they
were real tall v-neck looking hats, upside down v's, you know, hats.
And if you were like a dunce, they would make you wear this dunce hat.
But these little, what are they called?
Bugles.
Bugles chips.
And this lady had a sack of bugles.
And I don't know if you ever had these bugles chips, but they absorb all the
moisture in your mouth.
So they dry you out.
And this lady, boy, she was on, she was on some, I mean, she was making salt
water.
She was making salt water up there.
She was just salinating out of her face.
Just, just wasted and crying.
And that's something I love to see on St. Pat.
I mean, I don't want to, you know, I don't want that lady to have this pain or
whatever she's going through, but it's alcohol induced.
You know, she had on that big pink lipstick and all these different necklaces,
you know, kiss me, I'm Irish.
Fuck me, I'm Irish.
You know, help me raise my kids.
I'm Irish.
I mean, she was getting out there extensively with some of her ideas, you know,
based on the, on the country, on this, on this little island of Britain or
Ireland.
I don't know if it's an island.
I don't know.
Ireland, island.
I could easily see somebody get confused and think they live in Jamaica, but
everybody's white, you know.
But, but yeah, this lady was bursting.
She was just, just crying.
Kind of just drunk, crying and trying to eat these bugles at the same time.
I mean, at one point, at one point, I swear she was kind of dipping the bugles
in her tears so she would have enough moisture to get them bugles down her, you
know, down her gullet, to gullet them bugles.
And that was, you know, that's Spokane, baby.
People set it off.
People set it off.
And people came out.
We had a great time, man.
We had a great time over there in Spokane.
But yeah, if you, I think I, you know, we should just say St. Paddy's Day is
the one day where if you're trying to bust a nut on somebody that's got the
same genitalia as you, then you go on.
Because to me, it gets more and more.
It's not really green.
It's more, a little more, it's got a little more rainbow in it.
And you, you'd see a lot of gay men.
I remember last year in New Orleans, I was doing St. Patrick's Day down there
with two of my good buddies.
And you would see a lot of men, a lot of gay men out there, you know, trying to
dress real straight, you know, wearing like, you know, Beavis and Butthead t-shirts
or, you know, wearing, you know, wearing, you know, not turtlenecks, you know,
not looking real gay or wearing like kind of gay attire.
And I know that, you know, that's kind of a generalization.
I'm not trying to say gay people look one way or whatever, but you know what
the fuck I'm talking about.
You know, if you had a, if you had a, if you put a tracker on all the turtlenecks
in America, most of them would end up on probably most of those trackers would
lead you to the homes of gay men or Italians probably, you know, or male
librarians.
So I'm just, I'm playing the odds here, but they had a lot of, um, you know,
you'd see a lot of these men trying to look real straight, you know, wearing
like NASCAR t-shirts and shit, but also with the Irish beads.
I'm Irish just trying to fricking lock, just trying to lock lips with some
straight men who were out there letting their feelings loose.
You know, and that's how it happens.
Next thing you know, boy, next thing you know, your leg hair is all tangled up
with another man's leg hair.
Hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch another and you can watch this
one.
You can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you a one option, not this guy.
Two options.
Watch one.
This one or this one.