Name: Trying To Meet A Good Lady
Uploaded: 2021-04-17T15:44:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Trying To Meet A Good Lady' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Trying To Meet A Good Lady' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-17. Transcript available.

- Just been chasing these hoes, really.
No offense, hoes.
Just trying to meet a good lady, you know?
I see some of y'all got one, good on you.
Some lovely ladies here tonight.
It's tough, you gotta have money these days
to get a woman, you know?
And I don't blame you ladies.
Who wants to fuck some poor guy?
That's nasty.
You get done banging, you're just laying there all poor.
It's like, oh, can I get you a towel
that won't match any of the other towels?
What about some chips?
Wanna split a bag of chips with daddy?
Some chips, baby, want calorie up after that bang wildcat?
Gotta have money to get the ladies, man.
You gotta have nice shit.
I don't have nice shit, I got the other shit.
I don't have a nice apartment.
This is how I cheat, right?
I put all my nicest stuff right by the door, right?
So it looks nice when you come in.
Yeah, just step over that new toaster.
Nice.
Just set your purse by that Sopranos box set.
Haters welcome.
I don't have a nice car.
I have that car where you act like you don't remember where you parked, but you're
standing
right next to your car.
And when nobody's looking, you fucking get in and you escape.
It looks like you're stealing your own car.
You tell your friends it's a rental.
They're like, they're renting 97 Accords to people?
They're like, yeah, I'm just driving it for charity, actually, yeah.
Yeah, every time I floor it, a blind boy can see for a second, so he gets that
pop, you
know?
So, I get a lot of speeding tickets, you know, for his little dark ass.
No offense if anybody's blind either.
And my friend Maurice is blind, and he said it ain't that bad in there.
But you got to have money to get the ladies.
If you don't have money, you got to have the other money, drugs.
Especially in L.A., man, that's where I live now, dude.
Them girls out there are a bunch of coke ghosts.
That's what I call them.
Coke ghosts, baby, because they're invisible.
They don't answer your calls, they don't answer your texts, but you break out a
little
bag of snow cane, they fucking show up out of thin air like, "Blooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
Then they're angry when you want to get them in the sheets.
I'm like, "Bitch, you're a ghost!"
I'm like, "This your natural attire, now come to daddy."
And if you don't have money or drugs, you got to be yourself.
Fuck that, man.
Last thing I'm doing is being myself, not on my watch.
What am I going to say to a girl, "Hey, my name's Theo, mostly I just Netflix
and keep
my hopes up."
Fucking, you'll be alone forever.
But these days, you don't have to be yourself really, because they have the
internet, right?
The internet, you can be whatever you want.
You could be a pineapple, you could be dead.
You could be whatever you want, man.
I met a girl recently online, right?
I hit her up.
I said, "Let's get some coffee."
So she write me back.
She said, "Coffee's boring.
Didn't you read my profile?
I'm adventurous.
I want to go skydiving on our Thursday.
And nowhere in my budget is there skydiving for unknown bitch's money.
That shit ain't hitting my bottom line.
And I keep unknown bitches at sea level."
So I wrote her back.
I said, "Well, listen here, fancy.
I happen to live on the 11th floor of my building.
Why don't you come over here?
I'll assist you off the balcony in a windbreaker.
If you're still feeling all adventurous down in the flower beds, I'll get your
newly crippled
ass a coffee then.
But the caffeine ain't gonna save your legs, you greedy little gremlin."
And now I'm angry.
Now I'm angry at a woman that I've never even met.
Thanks, Internet.
Do you know what it's like to be angry at bitches you don't even know?
My buddy Sherman's like, "What's wrong?"
I'm like, "This bitch."
He's like, "Who?"
I'm like, "I don't know."
Invisible bitches, Sherman.
She's a skydiver.
Let's wait for her ass.
Well, how will we know when she gets here if she's invisible?
I don't know.
Just wait so you'll feel bitch in the air.
That's probably her.
Hope you enjoyed that video.
And you can watch another.
And you can watch this one.
You can watch this one.
Different options.
Different choices.
Some guy just brings you one option.
Not this guy.
Two options.
Watch one.
This one or this one.
Thank you.