Name: An Elf Is Just a Christmas Carnie
Uploaded: 2021-12-07T05:32:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'An Elf Is Just a Christmas Carnie' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'An Elf Is Just a Christmas Carnie' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-07. Transcript available.

Say if you're thinking about Santa, you know, because I think about Santa a lot.
And if you're thinking about Santa, you have to understand that he's kind of
waking up.
You know, he's kind of, because Santa can sleep through anything.
You know, he got a million little people, you know, personas pequeños, hammering
in his garage.
You know, they're building trains, they're building walkie-talkies.
They're building, some of them, you know, you build a couple hundred thousand
trains, some of y'all start to gram off and buy a little bit of dope.
So, you know, he's got all kinds of stuff to deal with.
You know, he goes outside and, you know, suddenly the place where they were
making wagons and they were, you know, they were knitting dolls.
Suddenly, you know, back behind that little building, people back there, they
got a little cookhouse.
And they, you know, they're grilling up brisket and, you know, uppers, methamphetamines,
you know.
You know what I'm saying?
The fucking the devil's vitamins, boy, you know, the methamphetamines, son.
And so, you know that Santa right now, he's got work to do, you know, because
he's just stretching up.
Because when you do, when you, because when you ride all night like Santa,
nobody works as hard as Santa.
Think about it.
You know, Jesus maybe, you know, Muhammad, who's a little fat guy with the
jewelry on.
Not, no, I know some of you guys are thinking probably of Pitbull.
No, I'm talking about the Indian, the deity, the Buddha.
So, yeah, you know, Santa's in a class of his own.
And they have, you know, and so when you work that hard at once, one fell swoop,
you got to, you have to get that rest.
And so Santa, if you think about him right now in June, he's just waking up.
You know, he just, he probably have birds living in his beard, you know, and he
probably has, you know, some of his mustache probably has a little bit of dope
smoke in it.
Because, you know, a lot of the, you know, a lot of the elves and shit, like I
said, you know, a lot of the elves, people don't realize when you were, when
you caught up in that elf game, it's like working for the carnival.
It's like working for the circus.
And you get in that elf game and next thing you know, y'all are, you know, you
guys are hanging out at night and it's boring.
It's cold.
You've been making fucking Tamagotchis all day, you know, or building kickballs
or building, you know, softball catcher mitts and things like that, you know,
toys for children.
You know, you've been building all types of things that, you know, sometimes
kids will get something for their parents, but the gift is a piece of shit,
right?
Because kids don't know what parents want, so they'll get them like a, like a
wooden bowl or something.
That's not, you know, that's nothing.
Or I remember one time, uh, they had a, one of our next door neighbors gave his
dad a fucking, um, a huge, like crate full of, uh, scallions, ditch onions.
And you could go in the ditch and get free, all the scallions you wanted.
Well, this boy had been collecting them for probably two months.
And then he fucking hit his dad on Christmas with this box of, uh, you know,
with this box of ditch onions and next, and that thing stank to high hell, man.
Dude, it smelled like the, I mean, it just smelled like a, like a suppository
of the devil.
You know, that thing smelled like it had just been hiding in the deep caves,
you know, and being naughty.
And, uh, and this boy gave it to his daddy, you know, this boy, Richard, that
lived in our neighborhood.
And, um, and actually, you know what the crazy thing was, his name was Mr.
Richard and he was a kid, but his dad, um, his dad had, uh, his dad, his
grandfather had died.
And the dad like missed the day, you know, his dad so much.
And he used to call his dad, Mr. Richard.
And so then he named his son, uh, after his own, um, dad, Mr. Richard.
So dude, this dude, you got a fucking, you know, 11 year old Mr. Richard, you
know, with that dirty box of fucking ditch on.
And he hit his dad with that.
And that was a, you know, a Christmas gift.
So what I'm saying is, you know, you get a lot of these people who, you know,
you get a lot of crazy gifts that, that Santa's elves have to make.
And that, you know, that, the story about, um, Mr. Richard and the Monions
doesn't correlate super well.
But you know what I'm saying is that these elves have to make shit that they
don't even want to make.
They got to make all the gifts that kids give to their dad.
You know, sometimes you might give your dad, um, you know, uh, a roller skate
made out of cotton.
And the next thing you know, your, your dad or your stepdad's out there and he
fucking, you know, breaks his ankle.
And so it's like, but still, you know, who makes all of that is elves.
And so these we got, you know, and it becomes like the carnival, you know, they're
carnies, dude.
That's all elves are, bro.
They're a bunch of Jesus birthday carnies.
And so they're out there like that.
And they got to build all these wild things.
And so when Santa wakes up, he's got a lot of house cleaning to do, you know,
and this would honestly be a crazy good time for a zip recruiter ad, wouldn't
it?
But I don't have one.
That was just, that's just a fucking good joke though.
Because imagine if Santa had that, but he doesn't.
So he's got to go out there and look all these elves in the eyes.
And so Santa got to get out there and look all these elves in their fucking
eyes.
And some of their eyes are all glassed over and they're all doped up and they're
hiding, you know, grams and, uh, you know, kilograms of dope in their jaw and
all that kind of shit.
But when you're an elf, you could do, you can really get bent out.
Because imagine a couple hits of ass, it'll do to a six footer.
You, you're an elf.
Bro, when you are an elf, man, and then, you know, and the ankle bone's
connected to the neck bone, and you do a couple hits of LSD, son, you're going
deep.
You're going deep, boy.
You're Randy Mawson, you feel me?
And so just, just know that when Santa, that Santa right now is waking up and
he knows that he still has a lot of work to do.
And I think that's kind of just what I'm thinking about right now is, uh, you
know, it's just, I got a lot of work to do.
We got a lot of work to do, you know, if we want, if we want it, you know, if
we want it, whatever it is, if it's that family, you know, if you want a new
puppy, if you want a fucking, you know, you want a new shower curtain or, uh, a
new, um, what is that thing called?
Uh, uh, uh, thing where you, you know, push your clothes down in a bunch of, uh,
you know, in one spot at a time, but, uh, uh, uh, uh, iron, he, you know, uh,
ironer, iron, an iron, you know, if you want to, you know, whatever you want,
you know, if you want a new job, you want a new family, you want the courage to
tell somebody the truth, whatever you want.
We still got work to do if we want to get there.
Hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch another and you can watch this
one.
You can watch this one, different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you a one option, not this guy, two options.
Watch one, this one or this one.