Name: Theo Asks Santa the Important Questions
Uploaded: 2021-12-08T14:24:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Asks Santa the Important Questions' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Asks Santa the Important Questions' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-08. Transcript available.

Theo Asks Santa the Important Questions

do you even get cell service like if you're in the sky uh i do my sleigh and
reindeer are all
fully equipped with all the latest technology really you guys got like the
technology package
oh absolutely we were retrofitted about uh four years ago wow that's wild um
has there been like
um like this year has it been a lot scarier for kids to like request gifts has
there been like a
lot less interaction like what's that been like for you like interacting with
the kids well for me
where i'm at four days a week it's same business as usual however there are
some parents that
want their children to still socially distance so we put them on the bench seat
that i normally would
sit on and then behind it we have a little fireplace and a christmas tree and i
hide behind the christmas
tree and then i peek out and i do a or a surprise face look type of thing
i love that so that works out fine and some of them they'll do the first
picture while they're
sitting on my lap with their mask on and then they'll take the mask off after
that that way they
want to uh i guess chronologically capture the 2020 moment yeah you know are
some kids more special
than others santa do you think well they're special needs children yeah and
they come and see me all the
time too and they're the they're very very round you mean pardon me you mean
like year round
year round see because i am santa and i am naturally fat and i have white hair
and a white beard
uh children come up to me all the time during the year well if i'm out grocery
shopping or we're out
at a restaurant or someplace like sometimes even when i'm at a gas station yeah
filling up the vehicles
uh oh yeah if i've been sniffing gas i'll accuse somebody of being santa that's
for sure so i always
uh have little coins or trinkets or things of that sort i'll spend a moment or
two talking with them
and then i'll give them something um how did the spirit of christmas kind of
start like in your heart
and stuff like that yeah i've always loved children okay and that's the main
reason that i do this is to
uh so the children will have the best experience with santa's possible each
year one of the early macy's
uh new york city santas his name was charles w howard and he's famous for
having quoted the
or creating the quote he airs who thinks santa enters through the chimney
santa enters through the heart and that's very very true yeah i guess there's a
there's an element of
just keeping that alive in children huh keeping that that that ability for
anything that be possible
sure everything's possible yeah yeah do you feel like a responsibility whenever
you see the kids like
um do you feel some like uh is it hard to gear up and just show up every day
and be santa
uh the season does get long uh and mrs claus is always ready for at the end
because she does a lot
to help me get ready every day oh does she really oh yeah she curls my hair and
my beard with little
mini hot rollers oh damn and uh from the time i get into the shower till the
time i walk out the front
door it's about a two-hour process 45 minutes of which i'm sitting there with
these curlers everywhere
and where'd you meet your mrs claus at i met mrs claus in virginia beach oh
yeah yes and it's
been 33 years since then we've been married and will um will mrs claus kind of
uh does she have
like a favorite meal that she prepares for you kind of yes cookies all the time
cookies really
so that's not just a myth right no that's not a myth i love every kind of
cookie there is so when
a children ask me what's my favorite cookie i say i love all the cookies i've
never met a cookie i
didn't like now was there um was there ever a time where there was i heard like
rumors and stuff that
there was a time where some of the reindeer wasn't you know there was like some
of them was kind of
struggling doing you know not drugs but like just struggling with stuff that
they were going through
was there ever a time where they were going to replace some of the reindeer
well we always have
reindeer in training okay for example this year i've got two reindeer that are
hoping to make santa's
reindeer team next year and their names are holly and jolly oh really oh yeah
okay uh they're working
hard a couple max preps out there i like that so they're kind of on the uh
junior varsity right
they're on the junior varsity that's right and so what kind of training and
stuff do they have to do
for reindeer because i imagine like at some point part of the element is you
grant them the ability to
fly well that's through wiffle dust you don't know what wiffle dust is well let
me tell you i think
it's probably the reason i've lived as long as i live a lot of people think
that i go to deliver all
the toys in 24 hours they think that i go around the world this way east to
west east to west east to
west but i don't i go north to south north to south and every time i get back
to the north i land at the
north pole people don't realize that there's so many good children in the world
now and it takes so many
toys to take care of them i can't have a sleigh large enough to haul all those
so you got to make
all those trips so we make all those trips in the world there's 24 time zones
and we do one time zone
every hour that's how we can do the whole world in 24 hours and when we land at
the north pole here's
what happens three things they all come out and put all kinds of more toys in
the sleigh mrs claus meets me
at the sleigh and gives me some coffee or a hot chocolate or cider or something
like that look
she'll prep you up she'll kind of keep your morale up and this special elf that
we have who has the
formula to make wiffle dust she comes out and one of the things that she does
before we take take off
again as she hovers and she sprinkles wiffle dust all over the reindeer oh yeah
and all over the sleigh
and then right there beside me on the sleigh is a giant bag of waffle dust okay
because i'll tell you
what i travel to some of the places in the world and the weather is just
terrible i mean it's really
really bad yeah and you don't want santa and the sleigh sliding off these icy
roofs so what we do is we
circle the house sprinkle a little waffle dust on it and that way the reindeer
have sure footing whenever
they land i like that yeah it's great here's a question that came in for you
right here santa
here's a question from one of our listeners what's up theo what's up mall santa
just taking a dump right
now i want to ask mall santa sir what is the rowdiest uh kid you ever had on
what what do they ask for what
do they do and uh in general how do you deal with the situation like that um
especially with parents
there uh what are you doing so gang gang take dumps jesus well the rowdy
children uh i talk with them a
little bit about not being as rough and tumble as they are but that's just a
big show that they're
trying to put on okay and as far as the children that ask for everything
because i have some children
they bring the whole toys r us book or whatever whatever whatever they're
getting their toys out
of and they're being greedy oh yeah they're being greedy and so what i tell
them i said now if the last
little boy or girl that had come to see me who asked for everything if i said
okay i'll bring you
everything then you wouldn't get anything because it would all be gone so we
all have to share in this
world and what do kids want over the years what have you noticed that children
really want them is there
a couple of common gifts that really stand out well over the breadth of time i
know each year there's kind
of a novel but believe it or not every year i get a bunch of requests for pogo
sticks are you serious
oh yeah i do wow and sometimes i get i don't get so much anymore hula hoops
yeah i get even this
year i probably had 20 or 30 children come and ask me for pogo sticks and is
there do you go ahead
sorry and of course there's a lot of children that want the the uh nerf guns
okay and that's fine
and uh and if somebody wants a regular gun did you help them with that or is
that no i tell them i
cannot legally bring them a real gun because they're not old enough i see okay
i see and uh what's the
oldest person that's ever sat on your lap probably 102 years old no way oh yeah
i've had them all the
away from three days old to 102 102 how long was that line to see i wonder huh
well you know in the
malls there's a lot of long lines okay so i try to move them along fairly
quickly and um what did the
102 year old want for christmas do you remember yeah she just wants to be able
to see 103
so she just wants a little bit of time yeah she wants a little bit of time what's
some of the cuter
answers that little children have given you over the years you think has it
been well i've had some
come and pull on my beard and then realize it's real and run off sometimes they
will may have a
set an expletive or two on the way out oh yeah yeah uh i have one little girl
who uh she was probably
maybe six years old and i asked her what she wanted for christmas and she said
coal and i looked at her
i said you want coal and i looked at her mother who was standing there beside
her i said to her why do
you want coal and she says diamonds she made the connection that if you crush
cold you'll get diamonds
out of her she's that long-term thinker and her mama clapped her hand and said
that's what i'm talking
about girl oh damn so she think he dropped her off a bag of briquettes huh yeah
dang man
some of these women starting to think long term you know they are that's one
way to do it
um do you remember me when i was a kid or no oh i do you were quite a handful
then was i yeah
i thought but you had fun you turned out pretty good thank you i would imagine
in the north pole
there can be a lot of like things get to seclusion and even you know in cold
temperatures people
suffer from depression sometimes in isolation you know and eventually even
sometimes alcoholism drug
use do you guys see any of that up there we don't have any alcoholism and drug
use but what we do is
we have one of them blue light things that's supposed to help raise your mood
all the time so we have
that oh dang bring me one of those i'll tie it around my dang neck that's what
i need now do some
kids some kids freak out when they see you santa some kids can't handle it a
lot of time you'll see
uh you know mothers will put a picture of their child crying on santa's lap
what's going on there
what is it well some of them cry a lot some of them will cry a little bit and
some of them will just
have a total meltdown how do you handle that though like what do you do at that
moment well
here's what i do i if they put them on my lap and they start to cry i'll hold
them as
close as i can so they won't hurt themselves trying to get off and that type of
thing and then at the
very end before i let the child down i'll also cry too because that makes a
good picture for for the
parents yeah and then i'll put the child down and sometimes the photographer
will take a picture of the
child leaving yeah with fear on their face sometimes now there's a lot there's
like uh
there's over the years you see a lot of uh santas that get you know they show
them like on bad santa
drinking alcohol and stuff like that do you ever have you got have you ever had
to use uppers or
downers or side splitters or whatever to really uh get through the work week no
not at all amen brother
amen and is it ever do you see it in the industry though no i i haven't seen it
uh not in the real
bearded santa's that i see is there a lot of kind of not beef on the streets
but is there like a lot
of like discrepancy between fake bearded and real bearded santa's to me there
is well there's something
not really there's just something there's a difference in the professional now
professionality
of them now there are people men who have what they're called designer beards
okay these are made
out of either real human hair or sometimes yak hair and once they're put on
pro