Name: Stalker Stories
Uploaded: 2021-12-30T17:35:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stalker Stories' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stalker Stories' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-30. Transcript available.

- You guys ever have any stalkers?
You guys ever have any good experience with stalkers?
I feel like both you guys have had at least one.
- I don't have, mine are, I'm not famous.
I like, like, come on, stalk me.
I would love attention.
I'm a fucking egotistical idiot.
Everybody fucking stalks me.
I think they stalk me and then I go,
hey, you wanna get coffee?
And they're like, what the fuck, dude?
You're pretty, pretty intense.
I think I'm gonna stalk Tony Hawk.
- In the '80s, in the '80s there was a girl
that paid the front desk to tell her which room I was in
so that she could get a room next to mine.
- Nice. - Nice.
- And then--
- And then what?
- But nothing happened.
She did knock on my door one time
and then like, it was sometime through the weekend,
she knocked on my door and then she did come in
for a little bit, nothing happened.
But all of a sudden, this slamming on the door came
and I guess it was her boyfriend.
- Oh, that guy.
- That knew the whole scoop of what she was up to.
I'm just, I'm just like,
I didn't even know that this girl had already done this.
I found this out later, right?
And then the next day, I'm getting in the elevator
and the dude, I didn't know it was him
'cause I hadn't seen him.
- And y'all got in the same elevator?
- He gets in the elevator and he looks at me
and he's got a cast on.
- No.
- And why, what happened to me?
- And he's like, sorry about slamming on your door
last night, broke my wrist.
- Oh.
- Idiot.
- It's like, I was overreacting, I'm sorry.
I was like, I don't know.
- And he apologized.
- Yeah.
Well, I guess he was drunk at the time.
- I feel sorry for that guy.
- That was a, that was an odd one.
- Yeah.
- I was just sort of.
- Okay, then I.
- I feel like, yeah, what you got?
You got one now?
- I kinda had that then, yeah.
'Cause girls will try and sleep with me
and usually they just can and it's fine.
But one time at Alice Mania, they had this fight
called the strip fight where every 30 seconds
we decide who won the 30 seconds.
And the, the person that loses takes an item of clothing,
clothing off until they're down to a G string and pasties.
So I just go, regardless, I go, you lost, you lost,
you lost, you lost, right?
Now you're both naked, fight.
So then they fight and that's kind of the thing.
So one of the people, you know, DM me that I get fighters,
you're not allowed to know how to fight.
That's the whole point.
You're supposed to, I'm terrified.
What is it like to fight?
And I go, I'll hook you up in a fight
where you get a real fight,
but you're not gonna get really hurt.
- Okay.
- Joe Rogan might disagree, but it's a couple of shots.
- Yeah.
- And if you look like you're in trouble, we just call it.
We don't let you like bleed.
- Really cook out.
- Yeah.
- You can't be grilling them out.
- Right, so this girl's nice enough.
She does the fight, awesome fight.
She looks great.
She's got a, what I assume is a boyfriend,
but it's like, everyone has this,
you're allowed to bring a coach or whatever,
or just a plus one so you don't feel-
- She got a man over there helping her out,
a little leader.
- Yeah, so there's an after party and I got this big room
with all this bullshit at the hard rock and she's hanging out
and she's asking if she can sleep with me.
- And who's she asking?
- Me.
And I go, I go, well, Katie, my wife.
I go, she wants to sleep with me.
She's like, yeah, whatever.
And I go, what about this guy?
Who's this guy?
She goes, it's just my coach.
And I go, oh, well then, okay, no problem.
And then she's hanging out and I look at him and I'm like,
he is obviously bummed.
And I go, hey, man, what's going on?
You all right over there?
He's like, yeah, you know, she's just, you know,
we've been going out with each other for like some amount of years.
And I'm like, what?
We broke up.
I'm like, but you're, I'm like, I'm so out of this.
You guys need to both.
- Spend time together.
- Go, yeah.
- Get him a little gift certificate or something.
- I can't play that game.
But yeah, every now and then somebody just tries to buy it.
- Brain check?
- Yeah, get him a, well, I feel like stalker,
'cause some of my friends always get stalkers and I'm like,
damn, I can't get, I think stalkers is more of a sex thing.
If you do good sex, then I think you get a stalker, you know?
- You mean somebody you've already had sex with
and it was so good that they just keep harassing.
- I feel like that's the only way it would make sense.
It's like, if you kind of are okay at sex,
I don't think anybody, you know,
smashing through your windows to get back
and hang out with you.
- Yeah.
- I thought stalkers you'd never met.
- Yeah, stalkers are, I think they're a little more
mentally unstable and it's not.
- But something has to spark that stalk.
You gotta, you gotta light that up.
- A lot of times they think that whatever,
whatever art you're doing, whatever,
whatever content you're creating is speaking directly to them.
I mean, that, that seems like the more scary stalker,
not, hey, I like you and I'm trying to get to you.
- I, I, I, well, I guess I had a girl
who left her Vax card on my window.
And it says she wrote, "Check me for COVID" on there.
Charlotte was her name.
But I never had any, like my friends get the girls,
they're jumping over the fence, they're yelling,
they're throwing stuff through the windows,
they're showing up at their--
- I feel like you're talking about groupies, not stalkers.
- I don't know.
These are the ones they've had to call the cops.
- Oh, wow.
- Not stalkers.
- Yeah, so really, but I think they gotta be sexually motivated.
I don't think anybody's fucking smashing
through your living room window
to fucking come watch an episode of Dexter Newblood
or something, you know what I'm saying?
Like, I think you gotta have like a real,
you gotta have fused them up with some cop.
- That's an interesting theory.
- I think.
- I hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch another.
And you can watch this one, you can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you one option, not this guy.
Two options.
Watch one, this one or this one.