Name: How Chris Distefano Met "Her"
Uploaded: 2022-02-02T08:01:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Chris Distefano Met "Her"' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Chris Distefano Met "Her"' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-02. Transcript available.

- It's July 6th of 2014.
- Okay.
- I see who's going to eventually
become the mother of my two beautiful children.
- Wow.
- And so when I saw her, dude, I'll never forget.
I saw her, I was drinking a strawberry vodka,
having fun, I was probably, you know,
on an app looking for Domino's pizza.
I'm always, anytime I drink,
even though New York City has the best Italian food,
every time I drink, I always want Pizza Hut and Domino's.
I think it's just pain.
It's just a cycle of pain.
It's like, I wanna look in the mirror and be like,
you fucking suck.
You eat that Domino's, bitch.
- Oh yeah, yeah. - Something like that.
- BDSM?
- Yeah, it's like a suicidal thing, you know?
- Yeah, like Italian BDSM?
- Yes, yes.
So I say, I see her, I see her and she's like dancing.
And it was one of those things where it was like,
almost like in a movie where I was like, truthfully,
I was like, my heart like stopped.
Like I was like, like it's the only time
I ever felt that in my life where I looked at her
and I was like, oh my God, like the beauty was like floored.
And again, like I said, I said everything before I had,
we're talking to beautiful women.
And Ben, so she was beautiful.
Like, you know, there were other girls,
but there was something different about her.
And I said to my boy, Patty, Patty Fly Balls,
who I never, he was chewing on a straw.
And I said to him.
- I do that.
- Yeah.
I said to him, I said, I said, dude,
look at how beautiful that woman is.
And he was like, I know she's amazing.
And I was like.
- He agreed.
- He agreed.
And I was like, I was like, I said, that, I said,
I said, that literally is the hottest girl
I've ever seen in my life.
I was like, I can't even think right now.
And he was like, bro, and he was like, bro, relax.
- What'd you do then?
You left?
- No, so he goes, he goes, dude, yeah.
She's a smoking hot Puerto Rican chick.
Like, I get it.
Like, and I said, I gotta go up and talk to her.
I said, I literally was like inside of me.
I was like, if I do not talk to her,
like this is gonna bother me for the rest of my fucking life.
Like I'm never gonna forget this woman.
So I go up to her and I say, listen, I said, I, you know,
I saw you from across.
- Was the music allowed?
Was it hard to get her attention?
- That part I don't remember.
Cause I was enamored because you know what's amazing about her?
She was so beautiful and obviously is so beautiful.
But the thing is what I focus on is she has a chipped tooth.
So I was looking at her chipped tooth.
Cause I was like, wow, you know, you're like from afar.
Like you don't notice you have a chipped tooth.
But then when I get closer, it's almost like the chipped tooth,
it even made it more beautiful.
Cause it's like, it's unique.
It's almost like a, like a hot chick with a scar.
You know what I mean?
Like I was like, I like this.
This is unique.
- Yeah, it's almost like you gotta buy a vowel or something.
Like one of the most beautiful women I've ever met
besides her has no pinkies.
And I was like, and she's a smoke show,
but she's got no pinkies and she hides them.
But she's, you don't meet people that don't have pinkies.
- Yeah.
- And she doesn't have them, but she's gorgeous.
- Wow, it's almost like a sloth almost.
- Yes, she's.
- Dude, I'll tell you this.
First girl I ever kissed had a chipped tooth.
- Yep, yep.
- And they made us kiss.
We were in love, man.
I don't know if we were in love, but we lived near each other.
- Well, sometimes that's all it takes.
That's what being in love was
and being married was in ancient times.
You just knew the people in your village.
- Yeah.
- It's like this whole concept of a soulmate.
There's 9 billion people in this world
and we're all connected through Mark Zuckerberg, the God.
- Yeah.
- So it's like this whole idea of a soulmate
and a one and only, that's ancient tribe bullshit.
This is not new world thinking
because we're all connected, man.
You knew about 15 people back in the day.
- Right.
- So, you know what I mean?
So with her, with Jasmine, I walked up to her and I said,
I said, it's, I can't stop like looking at you.
- Wow.
- I said, do you have a boyfriend?
- You went full psychopath with the first time,
I can't stop looking at you?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah, I might've even whispered it.
- Oh, damn.
- You should've had somebody write it on your back
with a marker and just pull your shirt up.
- Yeah, I went full psycho.
- Wow.
- 'Cause I was just so, and I said-
- That's love, brother.
That's what I'm telling you.
That's love, man.
- Yeah, and I said to her,
I said, is there any way I could just buy you a drink?
And she said, you could, but my boyfriend is here.
So then I was like, whoa.
'Cause I got a rule, man.
If you got a boyfriend, I don't mess with that.
- Right.
- Or a husband, like, I don't, I think that's bad karma.
I would never want that, I don't mess with that.
Like, there's plenty of fish in the sea.
But something about her, I was like,
I almost feel like it doesn't matter.
Like, I don't care that, you know, like,
I almost have to be like, I don't care at all
that you have a boyfriend.
I have to take a chance, even if this guy kills me,
'cause I'm sure based off what you look like,
you probably have like some guido, like convict, murderer,
Brooklyn, Italian boyfriend, which I was right.
- Volleyball playing too.
So my stepdad found out that some lady was getting married,
that he used to have a huge crush on.
And he went over, he was at a bar or something that night.
He found out she's got engaged.
And he drove over to the house and went up on her porch,
like in the middle of the night.
- Wow.
- And said, look, I got all these feelings for you,
and blah, blah, blah.
And she didn't care.
And while he was up there,
somebody burned his car in the street and set his car on fire.
So he was there and literally his car's burning,
which is a horrible look.
If you're trying to tell somebody like that,
you're the guy for them, you know, it's just like.
And then you come back with a bicycle.
- Yeah, you're not the guy.
- Yeah, no way, dude.
You're not the guy.
- How did your car set on fire?
- Yeah, I don't know what happened.
Either he just left a cigarette in the dash
or something had happened, you know.
- Yeah, so, you know, she says, I got a boyfriend.
And I said, I won't be deterred, not on this one.
So I said, you know what?
I'm just gonna have to stick around and fight this out.
And for like an hour, I kept drinking.
And I was just like, you know what, man?
Like I gotta, and I know she was talking to the bartender.
And so the bartender was,
turned out to be one of her close friends,
still is one of her close friends.
And so I said to the bartender, I said,
what is it gonna take for me?
What is it gonna take for me to get your friend
to like look at me and notice me?
I was like, does she really have a boyfriend?
And she was like, I can't answer that.
And I was like, oh, so they're playing games.
She may not have a boyfriend.
- What's it called?
- Misdirect?
- No, I think it's called like a turn of events.
- A turn of events.
So she says, I can't, I can't answer that.
I said, well, what's it gonna take?
And she was like, she's, she loves dancing.
She was like, and she's Puerto Rican.
Like you gotta come up with some type of.
- Yeah. They love dancing.
- Like you gotta dance.
Like, do you know how to do bachata?
And I said, I'm gonna try.
- Yeah.
- So I Googled bachata and I told them, I told, cause she had the music, you
know, she's the bartender.
I said, let me, let me, let me look at some shit.
- Let me YouTube a couple of steps.
- Let me YouTube some stuff.
And so I said, and my boy was like, yo dude, remember that scene in Along Came
Polly when Ben Stiller started dancing Spanish.
- Yeah.
- And that's how he got his woman.
- So we watched that scene and I played that song from that movie.
- No.
- Yes.
So I played that song and I'm like, I'm just gonna come up to her and dance
with her.
- Oh my God bro, this is fricking getting good.
- Yeah, dude.
So she said, so she, so, so the bartender was like, I'm gonna play that song
for you.
And you come up with those dance moves.
- No, were you scared?
- Yeah, bro.
I was mad nervous.
- Did you go outside and warm up or do you just warm up right?
- I was drinking.
So I was like having fun with it.
You know, I was like, whatever, dude, this is gonna be great.
- Yeah.
And you've got nothing to lose cause you're sitting there with a drinking with
an Irish man.
- Yeah, dude.
A couple of Irish men actually.
Yeah.
So I start, so they, they play that song.
- Nothing's further from them being happily married than sitting somewhere with
two Irish dudes drinking.
- Yeah, dude.
- That is the complete opposite of it.
- Yeah.
So, so, oh dude.
And two Irish men and listening to the Mets games with the headphones on, like,
you know,
like they're watching the Mets, like they were trying to get the Mets score.
- Yeah.
- And, and, and so I just did that.
I did that dance, played that song.
She kind of giggled and she goes, and she goes, that was a nice attempt.
She goes, that was a nice attempt.
And she goes, how about this?
I'll tell you my name.
So she just tells me her name and I was like, okay.
And she goes, and then what I almost, it almost was like, it was a setup, but I
swear to God,
it wasn't.
I had been on a show on MTV called guy code and girl code, which is relatively
still popular.
- Yeah, I remember, Jesse May.
- Yeah.
Um, uh, the other.
- Carly and Andrew Schultz and all those guys, guys and girls.
So, so I, um, I, I, uh, somebody came up to me and wanted a picture with me
from that show.
And then she was like, why do they want a picture with you?
And I was like, oh, I'm on a show on, on, it's on MTV.
And she was like, how old are you?
I was like 30.
And she was like, and you still aren't watching MTV.
And I was like, no, I'm not watching it.
I'm just on the show.
- Yeah. Yeah. That's just a, that's just, that's fine, man.
You're not a bad guy.
That's just a business choice.
- I was like, I was like, I, I, you know, I needed, I, I'm just, I'm working.
- Yeah. I'm working.
She said that to Puerto Rican?
- Yeah. She said that to me.
She was like, you, what do you want?
- Right.
- And that, so I said, I'm just working.
- I don't think they trust a lot of television.
Puerto Ricans are more, they're more real life.
- Yes. Yeah.
Like if I was working at a gas station or something like that,
she'd be more like, this is my kind of guy.
- Right.
- But so she was like, okay.
And then she said, she said, what's the show?
And I told her, she goes, all right, maybe I'll look it up one day.
And I was like, okay.
- That could take forever, dude.
- She's so vague, doesn't she know?
We only have a lifetime.
- I know, dude.
So then she goes, so then she goes, she was like, fucking with me.
So she goes, she goes, all right.
She goes, look, she goes, I'm leaving.
She goes, I gotta, I gotta get home.
She goes, I gotta get home to my son.
- Oh.
- So that was, so when she said that.
- Got the S-bomb.
- She dropped the S-bomb.
So in my heart, my heart.
- I gotta get home to my chlamydia.
- Yeah.
I said, I said, if you get, I said, cause already then I said, okay.
I said, well, the first thing I said, I said, is that you have a son
with your boyfriend?
She goes, no.
And I said, is she, so is the, is the son's father around?
I said, is he, is he deceased?
And she was like, why would you want him to be deceased?
I was like, I don't.
I was just hoping that he was so I could step in and be a stepdad.
Like I just said that immediately.
And she was like, you're like crazy.
And I was like, yeah.
And she was like, and she was like, he's still in the picture.
I was like, okay.
So, but when she said that to me, I already felt inferior to him.
So I said to myself in my heart and head at that moment, I said,
the first time I have sex with this woman, I'm not pulling out.
I need to get her pregnant too, to even the playing field.
That's how nuts I was.
- So you went full Puerto Rican.
- And that's eventually what I did.
FYI.
- No way.
- I met her, I met her, I met her in August of 2014.
We conceived July of 2014.
My daughter Delilah was conceived in August.
I have a six and a half year old daughter.
- 2014?
- Yeah, dude.
- Wow.
- My daughter was born in May of 2015.
- Wow.
- So, so.
- So you purposely impregnated her?
- 1000%.
- Wow.
- Yeah, because I felt so inferior to this guy.
I didn't even know.
And I was like, this is the woman of my dreams.
I'm going to play hardball.
- I need this.
- He's got one on the board.
I'm going to get one on the board.
- I said, yeah, and now I got two on the board.
Now I got a second kid.
So now I'm like two to one, motherfucker.
So it's psychotic.
This is how I live my life.
- Yeah.
- So, so I, I kind of like this.
- Yeah, dude.
I went all in because everyone was like, you're crazy.
And I was like, I feel like I'm in an Uber X with no brakes.
- Yeah, dude.
I was like, yeah, maybe I am.
- Yeah.
- Hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch another.
And you can watch this one.
You can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you a one option, not this guy, two options.
Watch one, this one or this one.

How Chris Distefano Met "Her"

- It's July 6th of 2014.
- Okay.
- I see who's going to eventually
become the mother of my two beautiful children.
- Wow.
- And so when I saw her, dude, I'll never forget.
I saw her, I was drinking a strawberry vodka,
having fun, I was probably, you know,
on an app looking for Domino's pizza.
I'm always, anytime I drink,
even though New York City has the best Italian food,
every time I drink, I always want Pizza Hut and Domino's.
I think it's just pain.
It's just a cycle of pain.
It's like, I wanna look in the mirror and be like,
you fucking suck.
You eat that Domino's, bitch.
- Oh yeah, yeah. - Something like that.
- BDSM?
- Yeah, it's like a suicidal thing, you know?
- Yeah, like Italian BDSM?
- Yes, yes.
So I say, I see her, I see her and she's like dancing.
And it was one of those things where it was like,
almost like in a movie where I was like, truthfully,
I was like, my heart like stopped.
Like I was like, like it's the only time
I ever felt that in my life where I looked at her
and I was like, oh my God, like the beauty was like floored.
And again, like I said, I said everything before I had,
we're talking to beautiful women.
And Ben, so she was beautiful.
Like, you know, there were other girls,
but there was something different about her.
And I said to my boy, Patty, Patty Fly Balls,
who I never, he was chewing on a straw.
And I said to him.
- I do that.
- Yeah.
I said to him, I said, I said, dude,
look at how beautiful that woman is.
And he was like, I know she's amazing.
And I was like.
- He agreed.
- He agreed.
And I was like, I was like, I said, that, I said,
I said, that literally is the hottest girl
I've ever seen in my life.
I was like, I can't even think right now.
And he was like, bro, and he was like, bro, relax.
- What'd you do then?
You left?
- No, so he goes, he goes, dude, yeah.
She's a smoking hot Puerto Rican chick.
Like, I get it.
Like, and I said, I gotta go up and talk to her.
I said, I literally was like inside of me.
I was like, if I do not talk to her,
like this is gonna bother me for the rest of my fucking life.
Like I'm never gonna forget this woman.
So I go up to her and I say, listen, I said, I, you know,
I saw you from across.
- Was the music allowed?
Was it hard to get her attention?
- That part I don't remember.
Cause I was enamored because you know what's amazing about her?
She was so beautiful and obviously is so beautiful.
But the thing is what I focus on is she has a chipped tooth.
So I was looking at her chipped tooth.
Cause I was like, wow, you know, you're like from afar.
Like you don't notice you have a chipped tooth.
But then when I get closer, it's almost like the chipped tooth,
it even made it more beautiful.
Cause it's like, it's unique.
It's almost like a, like a hot chick with a scar.
You know what I mean?
Like I was like, I like this.
This is unique.
- Yeah, it's almost like you gotta buy a vowel or something.
Like one of the most beautiful women I've ever met
besides her has no pinkies.
And I was like, and she's a smoke show,
but she's got no pinkies and she hides them.
But she's, you don't meet people that don't have pinkies.
- Yeah.
- And she doesn't have them, but she's gorgeous.
- Wow, it's almost like a sloth almost.
- Yes, she's.
- Dude, I'll tell you this.
First girl I ever kissed had a chipped tooth.
- Yep, yep.
- And they made us kiss.
We were in love, man.
I don't know if we were in love, but we lived near each other.
- Well, sometimes that's all it takes.
That's what being in love was
and being married was in ancient times.
You just knew the people in your village.
- Yeah.
- It's like this whole concept of a soulmate.
There's 9 billion people in this world
and we're all connected through Mark Zuckerberg, the God.
- Yeah.
- So it's like this whole idea of a soulmate
and a one and only, that's ancient tribe bullshit.
This is not new world thinking
because we're all connected, man.
You knew about 15 people back in the day.
- Right.
- So, you know what I mean?
So with her, with Jasmine, I walked up to her and I said,
I said, it's, I can't stop like looking at you.
- Wow.
- I said, do you have a boyfriend?
- You went full psychopath with the first time,
I can't stop looking at you?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah, I might've even whispered it.
- Oh, damn.
- You should've had somebody write it on your back
with a marker and just pull your shirt up.
- Yeah, I went full psycho.
- Wow.
- 'Cause I was just so, and I said-
- That's love, brother.
That's what I'm telling you.
That's love, man.
- Yeah, and I said to her,
I said, is there any way I could just buy you a drink?
And she said, you could, but my boyfriend is here.
So then I was like, whoa.
'Cause I got a rule, man.
If you got a boyfriend, I don't mess with that.
- Right.
- Or a husband, like, I don't, I think that's bad karma.
I would never want that, I don't mess with that.
Like, there's plenty of fish in the sea.
But something about her, I was like,
I almost feel like it doesn't matter.
Like, I don't care that, you know, like,
I almost have to be like, I don't care at all
that you have a boyfriend.
I have to take a chance, even if this guy kills me,
'cause I'm sure based off what you look like,
you probably have like some guido, like convict, murderer,
Brooklyn, Italian boyfriend, which I was right.
- Volleyball playing too.
So my stepdad found out that some lady was getting married,
that he used to have a huge crush on.
And he went over, he was at a bar or something that night.
He found out she's got engaged.
And he drove over to the house and went up on her porch,
like in the middle of the night.
- Wow.
- And said, look, I got all these feelings for you,
and blah, blah, blah.
And she didn't care.
And while he was up there,
somebody burned his car in the street and set his car on fire.
So he was there and literally his car's burning,
which is a horrible look.
If you're trying to tell somebody like that,
you're the guy for them, you know, it's just like.
And then you come back with a bicycle.
- Yeah, you're not the guy.
- Yeah, no way, dude.
You're not the guy.
- How did your car set on fire?
- Yeah, I don't know what happened.
Either he just left a cigarette in the dash
or something had happened, you know.
- Yeah, so, you know, she says, I got a boyfriend.
And I said, I won't be deterred, not on this one.
So I said, you know what?
I'm just gonna have to stick around and fight this out.
And for like an hour, I kept drinking.
And I was just like, you know what, man?
Like I gotta, and I know she was talking to the bartender.
And so the bartender was,
turned out to be one of her close friends,
still is one of her close friends.
And so I said to the bartender, I said,
what is it gonna take for me?
What is it gonna take for me to get your friend
to like look at me and notice me?
I was like, does she really have a boyfriend?
And she was like, I can't answer that.
And I was like, oh, so they're playing games.
She may not have a boyfriend.
- What's it called?
- Misdirect?
- No, I think it's called like a turn of events.
- A turn of events.
So she says, I can't, I can't answer that.
I said, well, what's it gonna take?
And she was like, she's, she loves dancing.
She was like, and she's Puerto Rican.
Like you gotta come up with some type of.
- Yeah. They love dancing.
- Like you gotta dance.
Like, do you know how to do bachata?
And I said, I'm gonna try.
- Yeah.
- So I Googled bachata and I told them, I told, cause she had the music, you
know, she's the bartender.
I said, let me, let me, let me look at some shit.
- Let me YouTube a couple of steps.
- Let me YouTube some stuff.
And so I said, and my boy was like, yo dude, remember that scene in Along Came
Polly when Ben Stiller started dancing Spanish.
- Yeah.
- And that's how he got his woman.
- So we watched that scene and I played that song from that movie.
- No.
- Yes.
So I played that song and I'm like, I'm just gonna come up to her and dance
with her.
- Oh my God bro, this is fricking getting good.
- Yeah, dude.
So she said, so she, so, so the bartender was like, I'm gonna play that song
for you.
And you come up with those dance moves.
- No, were you scared?
- Yeah, bro.
I was mad nervous.
- Did you go outside and warm up or do you just warm up right?
- I was drinking.
So I was like having fun with it.
You know, I was like, whatever, dude, this is gonna be great.
- Yeah.
And you've got nothing to lose cause you're sitting there with a drinking with
an Irish man.
- Yeah, dude.
A couple of Irish men actually.
Yeah.
So I start, so they, they play that song.
- Nothing's further from them being happily married than sitting somewhere with
two Irish dudes drinking.
- Yeah, dude.
- That is the complete opposite of it.
- Yeah.
So, so, oh dude.
And two Irish men and listening to the Mets games with the headphones on, like,
you know,
like they're watching the Mets, like they were trying to get the Mets score.
- Yeah.
- And, and, and so I just did that.
I did that dance, played that song.
She kind of giggled and she goes, and she goes, that was a nice attempt.
She goes, that was a nice attempt.
And she goes, how about this?
I'll tell you my name.
So she just tells me her name and I was like, okay.
And she goes, and then what I almost, it almost was like, it was a setup, but I
swear to God,
it wasn't.
I had been on a show on MTV called guy code and girl code, which is relatively
still popular.
- Yeah, I remember, Jesse May.
- Yeah.
Um, uh, the other.
- Carly and Andrew Schultz and all those guys, guys and girls.
So, so I, um, I, I, uh, somebody came up to me and wanted a picture with me
from that show.
And then she was like, why do they want a picture with you?
And I was like, oh, I'm on a show on, on, it's on MTV.
And she was like, how old are you?
I was like 30.
And she was like, and you still aren't watching MTV.
And I was like, no, I'm not watching it.
I'm just on the show.
- Yeah. Yeah. That's just a, that's just, that's fine, man.
You're not a bad guy.
That's just a business choice.
- I was like, I was like, I, I, you know, I needed, I, I'm just, I'm working.
- Yeah. I'm working.
She said that to Puerto Rican?
- Yeah. She said that to me.
She was like, you, what do you want?
- Right.
- And that, so I said, I'm just working.
- I don't think they trust a lot of television.
Puerto Ricans are more, they're more real life.
- Yes. Yeah.
Like if I was working at a gas station or something like that,
she'd be more like, this is my kind of guy.
- Right.
- But so she was like, okay.
And then she said, she said, what's the show?
And I told her, she goes, all right, maybe I'll look it up one day.
And I was like, okay.
- That could take forever, dude.
- She's so vague, doesn't she know?
We only have a lifetime.
- I know, dude.
So then she goes, so then she goes, she was like, fucking with me.
So she goes, she goes, all right.
She goes, look, she goes, I'm leaving.
She goes, I gotta, I gotta get home.
She goes, I gotta get home to my son.
- Oh.
- So that was, so when she said that.
- Got the S-bomb.
- She dropped the S-bomb.
So in my heart, my heart.
- I gotta get home to my chlamydia.
- Yeah.
I said, I said, if you get, I said, cause already then I said, okay.
I said, well, the first thing I said, I said, is that you have a son
with your boyfriend?
She goes, no.
And I said, is she, so is the, is the son's father around?
I said, is he, is he deceased?
And she was like, why would you want him to be deceased?
I was like, I don't.
I was just hoping that he was so I could step in and be a stepdad.
Like I just said that immediately.
And she was like, you're like crazy.
And I was like, yeah.
And she was like, and she was like, he's still in the picture.
I was like, okay.
So, but when she said that to me, I already felt inferior to him.
So I said to myself in my heart and head at that moment, I said,
the first time I have sex with this woman, I'm not pulling out.
I need to get her pregnant too, to even the playing field.
That's how nuts I was.