Name: Fake Drug Stories w/ Nick Swardson
Uploaded: 2022-02-09T09:16:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fake Drug Stories w/ Nick Swardson' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fake Drug Stories w/ Nick Swardson' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-09. Transcript available.

me and my friends were in sixth grade we had a slumber party and this is kind
of
fucking rogue we didn't know what we were doing but we knew that weed was a
thing but we didn't have access to it or what the fuck how to get it right when
sixth grade so we rolled up tea and we rolled up tea in the coffee filters that
look like joints yeah we went out and broke into a golf course that was a big
thing oh yeah we went on the putting green and it's tough tea and then we
people thought they felt it nobody felt shit oh yeah somebody's all earl grayed
up yeah everybody's fucking chamomile dude everybody saw that chamomile I used
to go
we had this guy named Jeff Saviak and he had a gas leak at his house right but
we
didn't know so we go over there and sleep for no joke 30 hours do we fall
asleep on
Friday wake up on fucking Sunday right because they had a um CMO leak or
whatever it is carbon monoxide carbon monoxide so we get over there dude and
like bro you'd go through the kitchen his mom would be like asleep making a
fucking salad bro like we didn't know what was going on I thought the family
was all on drugs on pills you know inadvertently on early ludes right so
then we came out and uh and we were all excited about that brown frown that's
what you got in Louisiana it was just fucking gutter bro it was so shitty
yeah somebody fucking grew it in their ass bro you know and fucking let it
ferment
man under their nuts bro it was bad so people would always say yeah I got some
weed but really like you didn't have any and then you got to like nighttime
people
like break out your fucking weed man so you have to get something fake so of
course we
got oregano that's what everybody got like the thing looked like weed then we'd
roll it
up go outside and fucking smoke it and then come back in and like everybody
would just
pretend they were high because nobody wanted to admit that it wasn't really
weed right
nobody wanted to admit they were they were just smoking some booty moss yeah
just rifling
up some booty moss booty moss yeah no I'm I was trying to explain to somebody
that we would
get weed off the train tracks we would go and it would just grow wild and we
would just sit
there and pick leaves and dry them out and it was like barely a high but we
thought we were fucking
full tilt we would come back in from pretending we were out so we now we're now
we're all inside
having to pretend we're high even though each one of us knows we're not high
right and we had this
one guy between us he was not the brightest dude bro this dude named joffrey
right and so first of all if
you live in the south in a simple town don't give your son a crazy name okay
yeah because people always
just will call them they call them racial slurs all the time you know they'd be
like oh joffrey that
fucking chink or spick you know where they throw something like that out and i'm
not saying those
things and my listeners know that you know but uh regaling a story yeah and so
anyway joffrey we all
come back in and we're like i'm like oh i'm so hungry dude my buddy's like i
can't even fucking see
right he's just standing on the porch pretending he can't find his way back
into the house
joffrey doesn't know how to be high goes into their kitchen breaks a fucking
mirror with his
fucking head bro oh my god that's not even a high thing i know he didn't it was
like whoa bro and it
wasn't even weed and that's when i knew something was fucking wrong with that
dude yeah that's off
dude because that's back in the day when we i don't yeah that's we just smoked
oregano we're like
and but we're all like okay it wasn't even weed yeah he's like oh i'm so
fucking high
shatters a fucking overcompensated to impress relax guy with a small dick
obviously calm down dude
yeah joffrey dude where is he now oh who knows man he knows he won't return any
of my texts i've
tried to reach out to him all right we'll pray my first weekend up at uh i went
to university of
minnesota actually uh my first oh shit my first weekend there uh we were at a
bus stop waiting to
go back to the saint paul campus and a homeless guy was talking to us and we
were all wasted and
and he sold us shrooms and i had buddies come up the next weekend and we sat
there and we ate them and
the guy just sold us like portobello's or something i don't know for 70 bucks
70 bucks for a quad i
thought i had the best deal ever and my friends who drove up were pissed oh
dude that's how that's how
shit went down yeah but we had growing up people would always scam me with fake
shit it was we would
scam the fuck i dealt drugs for a little while oh yeah dude yeah i dealt drugs
for 40 minutes but when
i got so i couldn't handle the pressure bro and called the cops on myself dude
i did one deal and
then i got in trouble with some kid's mom and then that was it dude you lived
on the edge bro i can't
believe you shared that holy dude there's gonna be cops on the way over here
right now
dude what would you get this dude out did he just get out of the jail holy yeah
dude i think this
dude's coming in hard cory yeah he just uh they just he just closed down a uh
cheesecake
factory one shift yeah this guy's a real hearty dude this guy's fucking dealing
dude are you a drummer
at chuck e cheese yeah holy shit damn dude i know man you seem like a guy that's
had a really uh
he actually he just worked a double at the disney store earlier so he's going
holy
fuck did you get 86 from a juice bar holy you can't go back to jamba juice bro
a lot bro that guy used to work uh he got he used to work at one of those uh
build-a-bears i got
trouble for stuffing them too fat oh dude this dude's on the edge dude holy
shit holy fuckaroni bro oh my god are you a farmer a pottery barn dude just
fucking growing fucking hay out of your fucking pubes wow man yeah you've been
using heavy glaze over the
color me mine bro or what's been going on back off the kiln you little twink
dude get the
out of here man you'll give out any size of lady footlocker dude you'll walk in
throw i don't even know what that means that guy wears a size four fucking
women's shoe bro
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