Name: You Can't Do CPR Anymore at Restaurants
Uploaded: 2022-02-25T22:29:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'You Can't Do CPR Anymore at Restaurants' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'You Can't Do CPR Anymore at Restaurants' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-25. Transcript available.

you know you can't do cpr on somebody in a restaurant anymore why because if
you heard
them they too many lawsuits coming back the other way so i was at a place the
other day because i
was at a place in new orleans a while back and somebody got cpr'd right and i
love that kind of
shit dude you're in the room you have a fucking exciting yeah you got four
fucking fresh crab
appetizers rolling on the table dude and somebody might die fucking 11 feet
away from you dude
you know what i'm saying bro it's like the ufc and fucking uh you know it's
like the ufc
goes to key west you know i'm saying it's a fucking exotic moment it's exciting
so this lady was you
know someone going well and her husband i could tell in a heartbeat the husband
wasn't really
interested in saving her you know right he's like what's going on he kept
asking her like six times
and she you know i'm not good at charades but i can obviously tell when
somebody keeps pointing at
their throat and not being able to breathe and pointing at like shrimp on the
table and then
pointing in their mouth he's like well what do you want you want me to order
something else you know
he's like i could just throw out these like he's like future like uh like uh
scapegoats or whatever
just things that would make it seem like no dessert no dessert just trying to
fucking buy his way out
of it with excuses what do you mean i'm the problem like he just started saying
things that like
getting into a fake argument yeah that would hold up in court you know yeah so
then this dude this one
guy was pretty jacked up on some uppers bro and he worked there at the place
dude and he was kind
of like italian but not really italian but just had done like so much like
probably like lean type of
drugs that lean you out and gotten so much bad sun that he looked italian you
know what i'm talking
about yeah the kind of guy looked like he fucking tried to buy like own a
dolphin once like it like
in a in a timeshare or something you know like a dude that's been you know
doing basically doing
cocaine a lot he rolls over bro and he fucking he uh first of all this was the
craziest guy i've ever
seen he's just gonna do the heimlich he starts to kind of do it he can't really
get a grip on the
lady takes his shirt off oh my god he had tattoos oh bro he had and i'm not
joking a huge linda
ronstadt on his back right which is something you don't see that much no you
don't you don't you've
never seen it and pull up a picture of linda ronstadt that much beautiful young
oh there it is right
there oh sorry that's right she was kind of the thicker uh tiffany basically of
her time she was
like a thick cindy lopper you know and let's get a picture of her in this well
younger do you have
anything younger this is basically right before death there you go that's titty
time ronstadt right
there they used to call her that boy which direction is the north bro you know
what i'm saying
i bet moss i bet moss grows on the side of those bitches bro you know what i'm
saying those things
are husky bro she got her hair cut on the set of spinal tap definitely dude she's
got her hair cut
by a slap chop bro she looks oh my god but anyway this dude takes his shirt off
right so now dude i can't
eat if some guy who's high on drugs has his shirt off in the room and i can't
swallow yeah it's like a
it's like a reflux that i have so he starts going in on this lady and the
shrimp eventually shoots out
and bro nine minutes later they're having dessert it's crazy how quickly you
forget that you were just
about to die right right but now i go back there this year later i'm there at
this place pascals
manali down there in new orleans and i said yeah i said dude i remember the
last time we're here you
guys had the little you know it's kind of like vegas and they do a little show
out front you know right
i was like you guys had that choking you know and uh and he said yeah we can't
do cpr anymore because
it's just too dangerous so somebody's dying you just have to like be there for
you just clap
i guess just try to like cheer him on and like at least go like
go go go yeah just send him more more more you just keep any more food in their
mouth
faster faster faster i wonder if that guy was a deal breaker fill her up take
it to the top
it's like fucking food jenga yeah yeah just keep putting it in her mouth just
make her a
fucking pinata yeah good lord just shoot her open with a rifle that's perfect
but that shirt
dude definitely had to have something to do with it well you could tell it's
hard to do the hammock i
think in his shirt and the man was real lean so i think he was getting he was
getting lost inside of
the shirt i like that he committed to it oh dude he went he went hard man and
after that he had to go
take a break he said he'd been through too much for that night and clocked out
good lord what it's
it's like unbreakable yeah it's just like a hero amongst us well that's eating
in new orleans man i
mean new orleans is crazy bro hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch
another and you can watch
this one you can watch this one different options different choices some guy
just brings you one option
not this guy two options watch one this one or this one