Name: Theo Von talks Dieting and Desserts
Uploaded: 2022-04-20T19:30:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von talks Dieting and Desserts' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von talks Dieting and Desserts' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-20. Transcript available.

I'll tell you what happened with me and desserts, okay?
So here's the thing, I'll have a, like there'll be a dessert at the party.
And I'll be like, uh, I'll have a little, you know?
But then, here's the thing, other people come to the party late and they bring
another dessert.
And you don't want to let them down.
You know, I don't want somebody to just see me just look at their dessert and
walk off.
You know, like I'm some kind of, you know, like I'm like a deadbeat dad.
You know, like I'm some kind of deadbeat dessert dad, you know, who just looks
at his son and just walks off or moves away, moves to Akron or, you know, moves
to, you know, Norfolk.
You know, I want to be, you know, I want to be that participant.
And so if I see a dessert and it looks good enough, you know, I have to stay
there and spend some time with it.
And that's what happened to me today.
I didn't plan on eating a lot of desserts, but next thing you know, somebody
showed up with this and somebody showed up with that.
And then somebody, you know, somebody put a bunch of animal crackers in the
oven and fucking baked them.
And they were already baked.
But now they're hot animal crackers.
Ha ha ha.
My defense is rest.
And I'm guilty.
I'm about to prosecute my stomach with about 30 of them miatches.
And I had some Mississippi mud.
You know, this beautiful tall lady showed up with a thing of Mississippi mud.
And I mean, God dang, that thing was, I mean, this dessert container was
probably a foot deep.
I mean, you could have got stuck in there.
You could have lost a friend in there if you had a small friend.
And so I had some of that.
And next thing you know, I've only had about a little bit of regular food.
You know, maybe a small cut of ham.
You know, I think I had a small cut of ham.
And then probably 19 desserts.
And then I can't even feel my face because I feel like my whole face is just
infested with sugar.
And, you know, and then I just start not feeling good.
And then I'm depressed.
And then I'm like changing into my running clothes.
And everybody's like relaxing because it's Easter.
And now I'm that freaking creep that's going for a run on Easter.
And it's just, you know, sometimes when you get into that, you know, I get into
that Bermuda Triangle of desserts.
And it just can be dark for me.
It can be really, really dark.
So usually what I'll do is just decide, you know what, today I'm going to eat
whatever.
I'm just going to go like that.
And I wish we didn't even care about what we ate.
You know, I think there was a long time ago, probably back in the old days.
You know, now everybody's so concerned about their diets.
Everybody's on a diet.
I'm on this.
You know, I'm on Atkins.
I'm on Jerry Atkins.
You know, I'm a senior.
You know, I'm on keto.
You know, I'm on keto-kaitlin.
And I'm on, you know, I only eat cheeseburgers during murders.
You know, everybody's on something.
I'm on vegetables.
I'm on, you know, broccolini.
You know, I only eat by my stepmother's house.
My buddy told me he's on that diet.
I'm like, that's not a fucking diet.
I'm like, you're going to starve.
You're an idiot.
But everybody's on some type of diet.
You know, somebody's like, I'm on, you know, water and limes.
Like, eh, that's not a diet.
You know, that's somebody that's, you know, probably going to die on an island.
You know, so some of this stuff isn't diets.
Sorry, there's a call came in and I have a ringtone.
I'm a teenager.
But yeah, everybody's on a diet.
Everybody's on something.
You know, and it's just, but back in the old days, you weren't on a diet.
If somebody shot an animal, that's what you ate.
If somebody killed a, you know, a bushel of corn, that's what you ate.
Somebody showed up with a, you know, a little bit of Labrador, a couple of Labrador
medallions.
That's what you ate.
That was it.
I mean, there were probably years where people were eating this or eating that.
You know, I'm not trying to be vile, but people were, you know, having German
shepherd for dinner.
A long time ago in the 1700s, come on, you know, people were having, you know,
ham was, you kill a pig and that was it.
Somebody shoot a dove or an owl and that was it.
And that's what you ate.
There wasn't an opportunity for all this dieting.
But now, you know, once we get, you know, we get a little bit more sedentary
and that food starts to build up in us.
So it's just a different time now.
And so now, you know, we're a little bit more concerned and we didn't have
mirrors back then.
That's another thing.
Maybe instead of diet and we just get rid of all the mirrors.
Have we thought about that yet?
I mean, sometimes I wish we could just have a big mirror burning.
You know, everybody just shows up and throws a damn mirror into a big gorge.
One of these empty gorges and just throws a bunch of gasoline in there, a turpentine,
and lights that bitch up.
Let's burn these mirrors.
So who knows who's fat?
Who knows who's out of shape?
Who knows who's feeling a little, you know, if you lift your arm up and you can't
lift it up.
Or if your underarm just, you know, I got a buddy.
He's got his underarms have kind of become tits under his arm.
And they still have all that hair on them, that underarm hair.
So he'll lift his arm up and it's like this just hair tit kind of pops out from
under his arm.
And I don't know why.
I don't know what's going on with him.
He's like, I'm thinking I need a diet.
I'm like, I think you need a haircut on them tits first and go from there.
But it's, you know, it's just, before we were infected with all these diets, I
think we used to enjoy our time a little bit more.
And I guess if I could look back on today a little bit, I probably wish I would
have not thought about, you know, calories and all of this and that as much.
But I would have just been, you know, more focused on the day.
Hope you enjoyed that video.
And you can watch another.
And you can watch this one.
You can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you one option.
Not this guy.
Two options.
Watch one.
This one or this one.