Name: Spade and Theo Talk Baseball
Uploaded: 2022-04-27T03:40:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spade and Theo Talk Baseball' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spade and Theo Talk Baseball' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-27. Transcript available.

Did you play any sports growing up?
Did you play any?
I could see you doing like baseball.
I could see you like baseball
and you're like the guy that bunts every time or something.
They send you in, you're like the mighty bunter.
They say, bunt with your dick.
Just stick it out there and let it hit you in the nuts
and then it's going to go about a foot and then you run.
And I go, if you can run,
I'm going to hit the dick by a ball.
I go, how would I do that?
I go, you don't have any feeling down there, do you?
Don't you have like a little puss?
And I go, well, that's rude.
And also it's a coach talking to you about it.
He goes, I'm a coach.
I'm not a scientist.
I'm just guessing by eyeballing you.
So, but I would, I did play second base
and I did like, oh yeah, I loved it.
I love baseball.
That's the hot corner.
Second base is the hot corner.
Second base was hot.
It was actually more responsibility than you think.
Oh, no, I think it's all the responsibility.
Short sucks too, but those are the two good ones.
But you're getting shelled.
Yeah.
I mean, there's action.
And then the coach's like,
this fucking pipsqueak's getting too much action.
And then the worst is in third grade,
the pitcher went down.
Oh, what happened?
I got called up like wild thing.
To pitch?
Yeah.
No.
The biggest puss in the fucking tri-state area.
They go, Spade, you're up.
I go, up what?
I go, I can barely throw it to first from second.
So I have one bounce.
So I pitched, and I was like this,
doing all the histronics, like stretching and shit.
I was terrified.
Were you licking your face?
Like, do you even know what to do?
Were you like doing some of the wrong shit?
Yeah, I was like, I had like a cornhole bag,
spinning it around.
I don't even know why.
And then it looked professional.
And then I-
You're putting eye black on it?
Yeah, I was sharpening my cleats.
I was like, are we starting yet?
And then I pitched, and these guys were so excited,
because it was just home run derby.
I think I got 11 hits in a row, and then they go,
what were we thinking?
Coach fired.
There was a quick vote in the stands to fire the coach.
Oh, damn.
Yeah.
Dude, one time I remember this guy threw the-
It was my first time ever at bat, right?
And we hadn't even had a practice, bro.
That was our team.
And we were the Playville Cubs.
But some of them, they'd messed up some of the jerseys,
and some of them said clubs.
Some of them said like, it was flubs.
It was like spluck.
Like, it was just, none of it made any sense.
Dude, I get up there.
This is baseball.
This is, yeah.
This is baseball.
Or football.
It could have been either one, but it was baseball.
So I get up there.
The guy throws it at me, right?
So hard, it hits me.
This guy, Eric King.
He was like, had the toughest arm in town, dude.
Yeah.
And he throws it at me.
It hits me.
I vomited, puked right out of my own mouth.
Because you got hit so hard?
Oh, dude, it was unbelievable.
He was the best thrower, you know, semi-local.
And he hit me, and I vomited.
And they called a strike, bro.
What?
And I was like, fixed.
Oh, bro, 100%.
Then another time, I finally got on base.
It was like the eighth game of the season.
I don't even know.
I think there was like a plate tectonic shift.
And literally, like, I just slid from home plate over to first base.
Like, I didn't really naturally get there by any skill of my own.
A plate tonic shift?
Yeah.
And so the ground just, like, went up on one side, and it was like.
Yeah.
And so I'm at first.
Sometimes that happens.
So I'm like, I got to steal, dude.
If you can't do anything else, you got to steal a base.
What an attention getter, though.
A stealer?
That's a tough move.
Oh, very hard, dude, especially if you have white legs.
Yeah.
So, dude, I get out there, and I went for it.
Halfway through, I get appendicitis, bro.
My appendix busts.
I'm laying on the ground crying, dude.
Crying.
Is it after you got hit in the appendix?
No, this was like eight games later.
Oh, I was about to say.
No one connected those dots.
Yeah.
So I'm out.
And I'm just bawling, dude.
It was absolutely the worst.
What a puss.
In front of everyone, you're crying?
Oh, yeah, because it was so much pain.
My appendix, it was like, I don't even know what happens.
I think you get, like, sepsis or whatever, something happens.
But, you know, I was dying on the inside, and the coach was like,
get to first, get to second.
And just yelling racial and sexual slurs at me.
Sure.
Queer, you know, just like, get there.
All the things I'm against saying.
Yeah.
But, yeah, you said, yeah, people would pepper those in in the old days,
and it was not cool, and it really was humiliating.
Hope you enjoyed that video, and you can watch another.
And you can watch this one, you can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you one option, not this guy.
Two options.
Watch one.
This one or this one.