Name: Theo and Nikki Glaser on First BJ’s
Uploaded: 2022-07-25T05:58:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo and Nikki Glaser on First BJ’s' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo and Nikki Glaser on First BJ’s' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-25. Transcript available.

My buddy one time got the first BJ in our area, right?
Oh, yeah.
And I mean, people were fucking fired up.
Wait, what is it?
We're talking your area.
Seventh grade, probably.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was around the same.
So he got BJ'd up and everybody was fucking.
You could hear people cheering in the damn distance.
It was, you know, you could hear his ancestors like,
Hey, dada!
You know, hey, dada!
23 and he was lightened up.
Yeah, you could see.
I mean, Betsy Ross just put another star on the flag, you know,
like people were excited, right?
Yes.
So then the story came out that people started hearing about it.
Yeah.
And then the gal's parents heard about it.
So then the gal and her parents went over.
The parents called my buddy's parents.
Oh, my God.
Oh, this poor girl.
Because they were real pretty religious.
And so they said, well, we're going to come over there and talk about this
if people's BJing and if our child's BJing,
we're going to come over there and talk about it.
So they drove over and my buddy was like, dude,
I remember talking to him on the phone right before.
He's like, I have to go sit in there.
Oh, my God.
And they want us to tell them everything that happened.
Yeah.
Here's the crazy part.
Here's the craziest part.
They made them not like physically show them like with their sexual parts,
but like, okay, show us how you were.
Show us how you were.
So then the gal is, because my buddy let me put the phone on
and let it be just under the table in there when the meeting was going on.
Oh, my God.
So, because I think the parents wanted to make sure that everything was
and there was nothing like force that happened.
Okay.
So they're having it basically reenactment.
Right.
Then here's the crazy part.
They send the kids out of the room so that they can talk about it.
And I don't remember exactly, but I swear my buddy got another play job.
While they were talking about it, man.
That's when you got to fucking beat that hammer, son.
I mean, seventh grade, I remember the first girl that gave a blood.
Eighth grade, the first girl.
And it was just like, it was out.
I couldn't believe you had put your mouth on a penis.
All the chicks were like, and all the guys were like.
Yeah.
I mean, it was so titillated.
I wanted to know everything about it, but I was like, God damn it.
I haven't even kissed a boy.
I'm years away from kissing a guy.
A friend of mine just put, I remember sobbing the first time
one of my close friends sucked a penis.
I cried so hard because I knew that I would have to do it someday.
And I also knew that I lost her.
Like, we don't have anything in common now.
If you can do that.
It was like my friends who rode roller coasters.
I wanted to so bad, but I was too scared.
I just couldn't do it.
And I would just sit at Six Flags and sit on the bench.
Janet's gone.
Yeah.
Yep.
That's how I felt.
She's gone.
And I lost her.
I really cried.
Like, I mourned it because I just felt like I'm getting left behind.
And I did.
Like, all my friends got boyfriends.
We're like, hooking up, getting their pussies eaten.
And I just had never even kissed a boy.
And I would be like, just.
But I knew everything.
I would ask every detail.
So by the time I did that stuff, I knew exactly what to do.
I was not.
I was not nervous by the time that I got to the place where I was like, okay.
You were like the librarian of it, kind of, it seems like.
You were kind of the.
At that point, you were.
Yeah.
Yes.
I knew everything.
I didn't get my period until super late.
And I was.
By the time I got my period, I knew everything about it because my friends, I
would ask every
detail.
I put in a tampon like I was like an old grizzled aunt.
Like, it was like I'd been doing it for years.
And you, as a girl, you don't start with tampons.
You start with like pads or like toilet paper.
And you're like, am I dying?
Why am I bleeding?
But I was just like, oh, I know what to do here.
Because I just knew.
Because I had asked so many questions.
And I think that's what I still have is that like curiosity about sex.
Like, even though I have it and now I'm in that world, I still am just like, I
just want
to know every detail.
I just think it's fascinating.
Like, how we get from being clothed to unclothed and like licking each other's
privates.
It's just so weird.
Yeah.
Oh, then I remember I ended up getting a BJ one time.
First one?
Yeah.
And we met out.
Oh, I remember we were meeting in the woods.
It was at a party.
Yeah.
It was like, let's go meet in the woods.
And Louisiana has wood woods.
It's not.
I mean, there's like spiders.
There's like dragons.
There's like dead bitches out there probably.
You know, there's pirate ships.
There's a lot in there.
So you meet in the woods.
Well, we met in the woods and it was getting damp.
Like we're meeting.
It was getting real muddy.
So, I mean, I remember being, oh, we were slogging and dude.
And then I remember getting even a little bit more like almost like probably a
couple inches
of water.
Oh, my God.
And I'm like, where are we meeting?
And I'd gone kind of the wrong way to meet.
So I'm like, you know, I'm like out in damn, you know, I'm almost in South
Carolina.
You know what I'm saying?
Like I really, you know, I'm in the backdrop of where the crawdads sing.
You know what I'm saying?
It's really like I'm passing boats.
And you don't have phones.
How do you know where to meet this girl?
Dude, I was just following the possibility that I was going to get a BJ.
Did it happen?
I would still be walking if the possibility had never left my head.
And so I finally, we finally got to each other.
And by that point, I mean, I had like locusts on me.
I had like, I was a damn ecosystem, you know?
Like I was certainly, I wasn't doing great.
You know, there was like scientists texting me.
There was like, oh my God.
You know, it was really, it was bad, you know?
You were deciduous.
Oh, there was moss growing on the north side of me.
Like, I had barely made it to, I was three years older when I got to her.
When I finally got there, it was illegal for her to give me the blowjob.
Oh my God.
That's how long it took, man.
Was it awesome?
Was it like as good as you had thought it would be?
Because I mean, I'm guessing this girl is like a younger, like you're on the
younger side
of things.
It's probably one of her first two.
Maybe, you know, maybe she doesn't know what she's doing, but was it just so
great?
Well, by that point, other kids had come and looking for us, you know?
Oh, okay.
By that point, by the time we finally met, there were other kids yelling in the
distance.
Yeah, because you were missing for hours.
Oh, it was crazy.
It was a search party.
Oh, it was crazy.
There was a lantern, I remember.
I'm like, somebody has a lantern out here?
There was a lantern.
There was beagles.
Oh, there were two beagles, you know?
It was getting, it was getting really, really bad, you know?
And so we had to shut it down, right?
Okay.
And then another time, so then we rebooked it for a couple of weeks later when
someone
else had a party.
Yeah.
You know?
So, oh.
So you knew it was going to be a blowjob?
Yeah.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Because she had maybe done it before?
Yeah.
And she was like the one that you knew to go to for that kind of thing?
But I also liked her, though.
Oh, yeah.
That's sweet.
So I really, really liked her.
And I think I was also, there was embarrassment because she'd done some blowjob.
Yes.
You know?
So you thought, did you?
I like her, but I'm afraid of what other people will think if I like her.
Oh, yeah.
Because she's a slut.
Well, I don't know if she's a slut, but she'd done some blowjobs.
Right.
Well, I was saying slut as in, like, people might think she's, and then what
does that
mean?
And then you can't.
Yeah.
Are you one of these guys that, if you're dating someone, you don't want to
know about
their history, you don't want to, you kind of want to convince yourself, you
kind of
want to be in denial of their past, even though you know, like, you just don't
want to know
about stuff.
Yeah, as an adult.
I don't know if I care anymore.
Oh, that's good.
Because it's like, unless they were, like, working, yeah, I don't think I care,
really.
I think it's more now about what the connection is, you know?
But then I remember me and this gal, we befriended somebody so we could go to
their birthday,
right?
Like, we kind of, like...
Because you needed a spot.
Right.
So we ended up at this nerdy girl's birthday, right?
Met her at the library, I'm sure.
Neither of us even really knew her, and we're at the party, and we're trying to...
Just using her for her guest room.
Oh, people are trying to, like, just play games and stuff, and it was water
balloons, and
like, it was really, it was still, like, they were real, they were more
premature, you
know?
Yeah.
And so we were trying to get a sneak off for this BJ, you know, and they're
doing, like,
pin the tail on the donkey, and just things where it's like, we got to get this
BJ in.
There's a clown.
Yeah.
And time was ticking.
It was getting later in the day.
Like, there was a pony.
There was a pony ride and everything.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
So, like, we got to sneak off and get this BJ in somewhere around here.
And so we snuck off behind this tree, and it was like, they don't really have
trees wide
enough to get a BJ behind them where I'm from, you know, without somebody
seeing somebody.
It just seems like thin birches.
Yeah, it's a lot more, what's the thickest tree in Louisiana, you think, Zach,
if you can
pull something up like that?
Because you can really get blown behind one of these, you know, yeah, search
only for
thickest.
That taxodium distictum, huh?
15.90.
What is that?
Meters?
It says girth, yeah.
Yeah, it's by girth.
We're talking meters here.
I assume diameter.
So, well, I guess these people couldn't afford one of those.
Right.
So, because that's really wide enough, almost, especially at that age.
In California, you got the Redwoods.
You can fucking have an orgy behind one of those.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, dude, you could build a CarMax behind one of them.
What?
But anyway, I couldn't, and the kid's mom came over.
Oh, shit.
And was like, y'all are blowjobbing, and I was like, I'm not.
You know?
And then the girl felt bad when I said, I'm not.
Oh, no.
And then I felt bad.
Because I wasn't.
Oh, like it was her idea.
No, I wasn't.
She was doing it, you know?
Oh, right.
They're blowjobbing.
They're blowjobbing.
I'm not.
I'm just standing here.
She came up.
Oh, no, she came up.
I was just trying to get some air.
No, no, she came up.
Like my, yeah, like, yeah, like.
Like my penis was just wandering around the air.
You can't, you can't, you can't get, you said, when was your first compleash?
Like you're getting.
Oh, man.
Well, so then we got busted, and that was a bad issue.
And then probably about, I think it was a couple years later.
Yeah.
A girl gave me a hand job into a, um, small waterway.
And, uh.
And I, like a stream.
Wow.
Everything is outdoors for you guys.
Yeah.
Well.
I think of the people I knew didn't have big indoors.
Yeah.
So it was like, if there's not a lot of room indoors, you gotta.
So into a small waterway, you were, like, looking over a small, a bobbling brook?
No, it was big.
It was larger than that.
Okay.
I mean, you could catch something out of it.
All right.
And.
So you got a hand job out of that.
Into the stream.
Into the stream.
Yes, he goes back.
And I remember just being so scared, you know.
Yeah.
It scared me.
What scared you about it?
Because I would never be able to get that semen back.
No, really?
I think it was something about that.
Hadn't you ejaculated before and felt the same way?
Or did you try to put it back in then?
Well, I remember we jerked off one time and my dad made us bury it out in the
yard.
No way.
What?
Yeah.
Wait.
He caught you jerking off?
Mm-hmm.
And he buried your semen in the backyard?
So you, in your hand?
Not even in the back.
It was in the side yard.
Wait.
That is.
Why?
Why?
I don't know.
He said that's God's and that's where it goes.
Oh, my God.
The O.
Pretty cool.
That's crazy.
Hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch another.
And you can watch this one.
You can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you one option, not this guy.
Two options.
Watch one.
This one or this one.

Theo and Nikki Glaser on First BJ’s

My buddy one time got the first BJ in our area, right?
Oh, yeah.
And I mean, people were fucking fired up.
Wait, what is it?
We're talking your area.
Seventh grade, probably.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was around the same.
So he got BJ'd up and everybody was fucking.
You could hear people cheering in the damn distance.
It was, you know, you could hear his ancestors like,
Hey, dada!
You know, hey, dada!
23 and he was lightened up.
Yeah, you could see.
I mean, Betsy Ross just put another star on the flag, you know,
like people were excited, right?
Yes.
So then the story came out that people started hearing about it.
Yeah.
And then the gal's parents heard about it.
So then the gal and her parents went over.
The parents called my buddy's parents.
Oh, my God.
Oh, this poor girl.
Because they were real pretty religious.
And so they said, well, we're going to come over there and talk about this
if people's BJing and if our child's BJing,
we're going to come over there and talk about it.
So they drove over and my buddy was like, dude,
I remember talking to him on the phone right before.
He's like, I have to go sit in there.
Oh, my God.
And they want us to tell them everything that happened.
Yeah.
Here's the crazy part.
Here's the craziest part.
They made them not like physically show them like with their sexual parts,
but like, okay, show us how you were.
Show us how you were.
So then the gal is, because my buddy let me put the phone on
and let it be just under the table in there when the meeting was going on.
Oh, my God.
So, because I think the parents wanted to make sure that everything was
and there was nothing like force that happened.
Okay.
So they're having it basically reenactment.
Right.
Then here's the crazy part.
They send the kids out of the room so that they can talk about it.
And I don't remember exactly, but I swear my buddy got another play job.
While they were talking about it, man.
That's when you got to fucking beat that hammer, son.
I mean, seventh grade, I remember the first girl that gave a blood.
Eighth grade, the first girl.
And it was just like, it was out.
I couldn't believe you had put your mouth on a penis.
All the chicks were like, and all the guys were like.
Yeah.
I mean, it was so titillated.
I wanted to know everything about it, but I was like, God damn it.
I haven't even kissed a boy.
I'm years away from kissing a guy.
A friend of mine just put, I remember sobbing the first time
one of my close friends sucked a penis.
I cried so hard because I knew that I would have to do it someday.
And I also knew that I lost her.
Like, we don't have anything in common now.
If you can do that.
It was like my friends who rode roller coasters.
I wanted to so bad, but I was too scared.
I just couldn't do it.
And I would just sit at Six Flags and sit on the bench.
Janet's gone.
Yeah.
Yep.
That's how I felt.
She's gone.
And I lost her.
I really cried.
Like, I mourned it because I just felt like I'm getting left behind.
And I did.
Like, all my friends got boyfriends.
We're like, hooking up, getting their pussies eaten.
And I just had never even kissed a boy.
And I would be like, just.
But I knew everything.
I would ask every detail.
So by the time I did that stuff, I knew exactly what to do.
I was not.
I was not nervous by the time that I got to the place where I was like, okay.
You were like the librarian of it, kind of, it seems like.
You were kind of the.
At that point, you were.
Yeah.
Yes.
I knew everything.
I didn't get my period until super late.
And I was.
By the time I got my period, I knew everything about it because my friends, I
would ask every
detail.
I put in a tampon like I was like an old grizzled aunt.
Like, it was like I'd been doing it for years.
And you, as a girl, you don't start with tampons.
You start with like pads or like toilet paper.
And you're like, am I dying?
Why am I bleeding?
But I was just like, oh, I know what to do here.
Because I just knew.
Because I had asked so many questions.
And I think that's what I still have is that like curiosity about sex.
Like, even though I have it and now I'm in that world, I still am just like, I
just want
to know every detail.
I just think it's fascinating.
Like, how we get from being clothed to unclothed and like licking each other's
privates.
It's just so weird.
Yeah.
Oh, then I remember I ended up getting a BJ one time.
First one?
Yeah.
And we met out.
Oh, I remember we were meeting in the woods.
It was at a party.
Yeah.
It was like, let's go meet in the woods.
And Louisiana has wood woods.
It's not.
I mean, there's like spiders.
There's like dragons.
There's like dead bitches out there probably.
You know, there's pirate ships.
There's a lot in there.
So you meet in the woods.
Well, we met in the woods and it was getting damp.
Like we're meeting.
It was getting real muddy.
So, I mean, I remember being, oh, we were slogging and dude.
And then I remember getting even a little bit more like almost like probably a
couple inches
of water.
Oh, my God.
And I'm like, where are we meeting?
And I'd gone kind of the wrong way to meet.
So I'm like, you know, I'm like out in damn, you know, I'm almost in South
Carolina.
You know what I'm saying?
Like I really, you know, I'm in the backdrop of where the crawdads sing.
You know what I'm saying?
It's really like I'm passing boats.
And you don't have phones.
How do you know where to meet this girl?
Dude, I was just following the possibility that I was going to get a BJ.
Did it happen?
I would still be walking if the possibility had never left my head.
And so I finally, we finally got to each other.
And by that point, I mean, I had like locusts on me.
I had like, I was a damn ecosystem, you know?
Like I was certainly, I wasn't doing great.
You know, there was like scientists texting me.
There was like, oh my God.
You know, it was really, it was bad, you know?
You were deciduous.
Oh, there was moss growing on the north side of me.
Like, I had barely made it to, I was three years older when I got to her.
When I finally got there, it was illegal for her to give me the blowjob.
Oh my God.
That's how long it took, man.
Was it awesome?
Was it like as good as you had thought it would be?
Because I mean, I'm guessing this girl is like a younger, like you're on the
younger side
of things.
It's probably one of her first two.
Maybe, you know, maybe she doesn't know what she's doing, but was it just so
great?
Well, by that point, other kids had come and looking for us, you know?
Oh, okay.
By that point, by the time we finally met, there were other kids yelling in the
distance.
Yeah, because you were missing for hours.
Oh, it was crazy.
It was a search party.
Oh, it was crazy.
There was a lantern, I remember.
I'm like, somebody has a lantern out here?
There was a lantern.
There was beagles.
Oh, there were two beagles, you know?
It was getting, it was getting really, really bad, you know?
And so we had to shut it down, right?
Okay.
And then another time, so then we rebooked it for a couple of weeks later when
someone
else had a party.
Yeah.
You know?
So, oh.
So you knew it was going to be a blowjob?
Yeah.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Because she had maybe done it before?
Yeah.
And she was like the one that you knew to go to for that kind of thing?
But I also liked her, though.
Oh, yeah.
That's sweet.
So I really, really liked her.
And I think I was also, there was embarrassment because she'd done some blowjob.
Yes.
You know?
So you thought, did you?
I like her, but I'm afraid of what other people will think if I like her.
Oh, yeah.
Because she's a slut.
Well, I don't know if she's a slut, but she'd done some blowjobs.
Right.
Well, I was saying slut as in, like, people might think she's, and then what
does that
mean?
And then you can't.
Yeah.
Are you one of these guys that, if you're dating someone, you don't want to
know about
their history, you don't want to, you kind of want to convince yourself, you
kind of
want to be in denial of their past, even though you know, like, you just don't
want to know
about stuff.
Yeah, as an adult.
I don't know if I care anymore.
Oh, that's good.
Because it's like, unless they were, like, working, yeah, I don't think I care,
really.
I think it's more now about what the connection is, you know?
But then I remember me and this gal, we befriended somebody so we could go to
their birthday,
right?
Like, we kind of, like...
Because you needed a spot.
Right.
So we ended up at this nerdy girl's birthday, right?
Met her at the library, I'm sure.
Neither of us even really knew her, and we're at the party, and we're trying to...
Just using her for her guest room.
Oh, people are trying to, like, just play games and stuff, and it was water
balloons, and
like, it was really, it was still, like, they were real, they were more
premature, you
know?
Yeah.
And so we were trying to get a sneak off for this BJ, you know, and they're
doing, like,
pin the tail on the donkey, and just things where it's like, we got to get this
BJ in.
There's a clown.
Yeah.
And time was ticking.
It was getting later in the day.
Like, there was a pony.
There was a pony ride and everything.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
So, like, we got to sneak off and get this BJ in somewhere around here.
And so we snuck off behind this tree, and it was like, they don't really have
trees wide
enough to get a BJ behind them where I'm from, you know, without somebody
seeing somebody.
It just seems like thin birches.
Yeah, it's a lot more, what's the thickest tree in Louisiana, you think, Zach,
if you can
pull something up like that?
Because you can really get blown behind one of these, you know, yeah, search
only for
thickest.
That taxodium distictum, huh?
15.90.
What is that?
Meters?
It says girth, yeah.
Yeah, it's by girth.
We're talking meters here.
I assume diameter.
So, well, I guess these people couldn't afford one of those.
Right.
So, because that's really wide enough, almost, especially at that age.
In California, you got the Redwoods.
You can fucking have an orgy behind one of those.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, dude, you could build a CarMax behind one of them.
What?
But anyway, I couldn't, and the kid's mom came over.
Oh, shit.
And was like, y'all are blowjobbing, and I was like, I'm not.
You know?
And then the girl felt bad when I said, I'm not.
Oh, no.
And then I felt bad.
Because I wasn't.
Oh, like it was her idea.
No, I wasn't.
She was doing it, you know?
Oh, right.
They're blowjobbing.
They're blowjobbing.
I'm not.
I'm just standing here.
She came up.
Oh, no, she came up.
I was just trying to get some air.
No, no, she came up.
Like my, yeah, like, yeah, like.
Like my penis was just wandering around the air.
You can't, you can't, you can't get, you said, when was your first compleash?
Like you're getting.
Oh, man.
Well, so then we got busted, and that was a bad issue.
And then probably about, I think it was a couple years later.
Yeah.
A girl gave me a hand job into a, um, small waterway.
And, uh.
And I, like a stream.
Wow.
Everything is outdoors for you guys.
Yeah.
Well.
I think of the people I knew didn't have big indoors.
Yeah.
So it was like, if there's not a lot of room indoors, you gotta.
So into a small waterway, you were, like, looking over a small, a bobbling brook?
No, it was big.
It was larger than that.
Okay.
I mean, you could catch something out of it.
All right.
And.
So you got a hand job out of that.
Into the stream.
Into the stream.
Yes, he goes back.
And I remember just being so scared, you know.
Yeah.
It scared me.
What scared you about it?
Because I would never be able to get that semen back.
No, really?
I think it was something about that.
Hadn't you ejaculated before and felt the same way?
Or did you try to put it back in then?
Well, I remember we jerked off one time and my dad made us bury it out in the
yard.
No way.
What?
Yeah.
Wait.
He caught you jerking off?
Mm-hmm.
And he buried your semen in the backyard?
So you, in your hand?
Not even in the back.
It was in the side yard.
Wait.
That is.
Why?