Name: The First Time Bert Kreischer Did Cocaine
Uploaded: 2022-09-15T19:18:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The First Time Bert Kreischer Did Cocaine' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The First Time Bert Kreischer Did Cocaine' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-15. Transcript available.

I remember the first time I ever did cocaine I was in New Orleans and and my
buddy had a rock and he had a screen of a damn this makes me want to touch my
fucking dick even hearing about it he told me one of my best friends to this
day one of my best friends and he said we were looking for ecstasy and he said
I don't have any ecstasy and I said you're partying right he was like I am
we're same age and he goes and what he looked like a white guy really good
looking guy more Italian more looking like Michelangelo you know you know
Michelangelo's name wasn't Michael Angelo it was in one word there's one word
Michelangelo and it was and that was part of a bigger name I thought it was
Michael Angelo not like Michelangelo P3 Mussolini that's a black Italian I
think
if it's the full one yeah Michelangelo it's amazing there's aren't more
Michelangelo's anyway he he said I have cocaine and I said I said you I
remember
going you do you do cocaine and he goes I yeah we do cocaine he was like and I
was
like is it safe and he was like yeah it's totally safe he was here's the deal
look me in the eyes he said it's really good and it could become a problem and
he
goes and it it has for friends like trust me and I was like well what should I
do
and he goes I he goes you got to make that decision on your own so I went up to
my
buddy who I was looking for XC with and I said we can't get XC but we can get
cocaine and he was like he's like I'll do it and I was like I was like I've
never
done it and he goes it's it's pretty good and I was like really and he was like
yeah so we went back I said I'll do something didn't have to buy it he just
gave us you know I grew up with a kid and he shaved it off of the screen of
like a window
it was a screen it was a screen that was on like a a tilt so it was like two
sticks with
a screen that went like this it was maybe this big that's carpenter's cut dude
that shit is good
he shaved it off of that and it feathered down and he cut a line and uh he said
snort half of
that with one with your nose and I snorted the whole thing with one nostril
yeah and he goes that
that's I think you're good and I went okay and Theo immediately from this tooth
over and this tooth
over went ice numb the whole side of my face and I went I was like whoo I
thought whoo and my first
thought was I I remember I could walk outside and rip a tree out of the ground
and carry it around
tonight but I'm so smart that I won't do that because if they see me with the
tree they'll go
he's on cocaine so I'm not ripping trees out and then I was like I think I'm
gonna need to do the
other nose because this side isn't numb and he was like okay just a little one
and he gave me another
line and I did the other side and this tooth went sing I mean I could hear it
go and it went all the
way over there and I said uh I looked at my buddy and my who I won't say his
name the buddy I was
partying with Ron and uh clothes and so I said to our other friend I said I
think I think we're gonna
go down to the uh Bourbon Street and he was like okay he's like he's like no
cell phones he's like
we'll see you later and I was like great and I looked at my buddy and I said
let's go have some fun
we took a little bit of pouts with us and we had one of the most exciting
nights of our lives and and
and maybe I don't even think we did any more cocaine throughout the night I
think we maybe
did a key bump maybe yeah but I don't think we did anymore and we had the
greatest fucking night
of our life and then that night went back passed out my truck woke up when the
sun was coming up
with the most acutely searing anxiety attack I've ever had in my life and we
had an eight ball left
that my buddy gave me for to take home and and we had drive to take home yeah
yeah yeah and so I took
the eight ball I put it in my Cherokee we drove from New Orleans to Tallahassee
and all my brain did
was like I heard my brain you know you got regular brain where you go hey maybe
we should pull over
McDonald's and your little regular brain regular little guy you've been with
your whole life and
then you go oh that sounds like a good idea and he's like I just thought I'd
put it right up bring
it up yeah and so I get in the car and little brain's like dude we still have
that cocaine right
and I was like yeah yeah I put it in the it's in the middle he's like are you
sure that's a good idea
and then all of a sudden this this fucking anxiety voice goes what the fuck are
we traveling with
cocaine dude we're going to fucking jail what the fuck you need to pull over
right now you need to
hide that in one of your bags either that or do it we got to do cocaine that'll
make the drive so
much better and I was like should we get food and he's like fuck that we've got
iron stomach we can't
get our dick hard and we can't shit let's drive drive it was like Sam Sam Kinison
was in my head and
man I tell you very candidly I haven't got rid of that voice forever that's why
I don't fuck around
with cocaine is that fucking voice the next day all that fun that was it's not
worth it to hear that
guy yeah just we better get out of bed you're on blood pressure medicine what
the fuck did we do
last night hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch another and you can
watch this one you can
watch this one different options different choices some guy just brings you one
option not this guy
two options watch one this one or this one