Name: Theo and Bert Marvel at Horses
Uploaded: 2022-10-03T13:46:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo and Bert Marvel at Horses' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo and Bert Marvel at Horses' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-03. Transcript available.

- I'd had wet dreams as a kid.
I didn't know what they were, but I'd had wet dreams.
And I knew they were like the best dreams.
I was always riding horses in those dreams.
And so, I almost said to my dad,
I had the craziest thing happen to me today.
Dude, every--
- So what you're saying though, the,
I'm sorry, I'm stuck on that horse thing.
- Please.
- And you just what?
- I would be riding horses,
and then I'd have a wet dream.
I'd have an orgasm, like first grade through third grade.
'Cause I'd have wet dreams,
and it was always me riding horses.
And then, Theo, I rode a horse at full sprint.
- Was there anything in your butt you feel like,
or it was just, okay.
- It was like a vibration, like a,
and then I'd be riding a horse, riding a horse,
and then I'd just have a wet dream.
Not wet dream, it was just a nocturnal emission,
but it wasn't like-- - Like that?
- Like it was just an orgasm while you sleep.
- But what is it like?
Is it like, I'm gonna, tell me, like--
- Well, it's funny because I really,
it was just me on a horse, just riding a horse.
- Okay.
- And then all of a sudden, I'd be riding the horse,
and I would, my dick would be hard.
I was a kid, and I'd just be like, uh, whoa.
And then, boom, it would hit, and I would wake up.
- Oh, yeah.
- And be like, that was fucking, I need to get a horse.
- Yeah.
- I need to get a horse ASAP.
- Rich people were just--
- Yeah, Black Stallion came out,
where the kid was riding on the beach.
I was like, luckiest kid in the fucking world.
- That kid just skeeting all over.
- Blowing loads all over a horse?
- Yeah, dude.
- And then I rode a horse, as an adult,
I rode a horse for Travel Channel at full sprint.
- I wonder if I remember this or not.
- I was, we were in Texas.
We were running Buffalo through Texas,
and they brought me out, and they got me,
and I got real comfortable on a horse,
and then the guy, John, I forget his last name.
John was the, he ran the--
- And he was homosexual?
- No, no, he was not, oh, he was a fucking stud.
He was a stud.
I mean, not saying that you can't be a stud and gay,
but like, you can be a stud and gay.
- Now there's very, there's like, really,
I think, gangster fucking gay dudes, you know?
- Dude, I mean, nowadays, you can't, like,
I think kids are growing up with such fluidity
that I don't think they see gay the way we saw it
when we were kids. - They don't.
- You know, they just are like,
no, you fall in love with the person,
but he, this guy, John, said,
why don't you take her and let her loose?
And I'd never really ridden a horse at full sprint.
- Fuck.
- It is, it is, dare I say, better than average sex.
It's way better than average sex.
Like, great sex is hard to beat,
but just, you know, run of the mill sex,
like sober, mourning, pound one out sex.
There's a moment when you're riding a horse,
so there's like three speeds, there's a walk,
there's a gallop, and then there's a canter,
and then there's a run.
Gallop's a little painful, it's just like,
ba-pum, ba-pum, ba-pum, ba-pum.
- I've done that. - Ba-pum, it really sucks.
And then a canter's like, da-da-dun-da,
da-da-dun-da, da-da-dun-da.
And then when you, yah, you get that horse going,
there's a moment where you and the horse become one.
You become one, the horse,
the energy of the horse takes over your energy
and dictates what you do.
And there's a moment where your body
and that horse's neck are going at the same,
that's me on that horse, that's my horse.
And you're going at the same rate,
and you're fucking flying.
It is the purest joy I've ever had, where I wasn't,
it's like a roller coaster, but even more dangerous,
because you're like, and you're just smiling ear to ear,
and my hat flew off, my hair's in the wind,
I'm like, yeah, yeah.
I didn't realize I was super about to get hurt.
John's like, slow the fuck down.
- Really?
- Yeah, 'cause I was out of control.
I was completely, the horse was in control.
I wasn't in control of it.
- And did a horse's know to stop or keep going?
- So you gotta stop with your legs, your legs, your ass.
You gotta put your ass into the back of the horse
so he knows, hey, we're done.
'Cause if he doesn't, if he feels you up in the stirrups,
he's like, yeah, bitch, let's open this shit up.
This is what I was meant to do.
This is my natural speed.
The way I drink at airports is the way horses run.
That's when you see me at a full clip at an airport,
and they're like, another one?
I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm in gallop mode, baby.
That is the way a horse fucking, wah!
Like, I mean, just fucking, show a horse running at full speed.
It's so beautiful.
And you'll see what I'm talking about.
The neck does this, and you get into this symbiotic moment
with your horse where you become one.
It's the coolest thing to have an animal with a half a ton
between your legs and just be, that's a car.
Oh, no, they're doing a horse, okay.
- Does it make you, does it give you any sort?
- See, okay, so that's like a, that's a canter.
- Okay.
- And then do you see the way the neck kind of just,
look at the neck, and then you're going up,
the neck's going down, and then you guys meet back up again
at the same place.
It's almost like it really is the best rhythmic.
- No feet on the ground.
- No feet on the ground, you're just flying.
- Oh my God.
- This is what a horse is meant to do.
Anything against this is against that animal.
A horse is meant to run at full speed.
That's why marriage just doesn't make sense to me at times.
- Yeah.
- For not for me, 'cause it is, 'cause I'm, I'm out to pasture.
I'm an old horse.
- Do you think so?
- I like to run, but like, my running's internally.
Like, like last night, sex with my wife was fucking insane.
- You did it?
- Dude, my wife and I got into that moment.
- No way.
- Into that fucking, ooh.
- Were you on the back or the bottom, or what?
- I was on the bottom, I was on the bottom.
- Wow.
- But she was like, Leanne was playful, fun,
she was drunk, playful, fun, crazy, fucking,
and there was a moment where you're just,
you're both moving at the right times.
- Yes.
- But like, for some guys--
- I've had some of that before.
- Some guys, some guys are meant to sprint.
Some guys are meant to sprint, my buddy Croy,
he was meant to sprint.
He was meant to be out there.
That's the way his brain works.
- He just can't stop doing sex out there with strangers?
- Well, yeah, I mean--
- Of women that he dates or whatever.
- Yeah, women that he dates, I mean, he's dead now,
so, but, yeah, yeah, but it's 'cause he was a fucking horse,
and everyone wanted him to be a fucking pony,
and he was a fucking, so, I mean, I don't know.
Look, I love the guy, I miss him a ton,
but some guys are fucking sprinters.
It's like, you know, don't try to fucking,
I used to have a bit about it, about how women catch horses,
and maybe it's misogynistic now, but they catch you,
and then they, you know, like,
'cause you just, like, running on top of mountains,
just going, lightning striking,
and then these settlers just staring up at the mountain,
going, I'm gonna get me that horse,
and then they come up with a bag of carrots,
carrots are blowjobs, and they're like,
you probably heard this joke before,
and they're like, hey, come here,
and you're like, I like blowjobs.
I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And then when they pet you, so when you,
the really interesting thing about horses,
so horses, like, this is kind of crazy,
this blew me away, but horses are out in past,
like, when you go, every morning,
I had to have to go get my horse,
and my horse would be in a fucking field.
- Uh-uh.
- And so you have to go get your horse.
- And you whistle, or you just go over there?
- Hey, boy, hey, boy.
- And they like it.
- And you bring, like, a carrot or an apple,
and he'd be like...
They don't know they're getting caught, right?
They don't want to be caught.
And he just comes over,
and the way you catch a horse
is you throw a rope over his neck.
Just throw a rope over his neck,
boom, he's yours.
And my wife did that to me.
Just threw a rope over my neck.
I didn't even know I was caught.
I didn't even know I was caught.
I got two kids, fucking five mortgages.
Dude, every...
- So what you're saying, though,
the, I'm sorry, I'm stuck on that horse thing.
- Please.
- And you just what?
- I would be riding horses,
and then I'd have a wet dream.
I'd have an orgasm.
Like, first grade through third grade.
- Okay.
- So I'd have wet dreams,
and it was always me riding horses.
And then, Theo, I rode a horse at full sprint.
- Was there anything in your butt you feel like,
or it was just...
- Mm-mm.
- Okay.
- It was like a vibration.
- And then, I'd be riding a horse.
I'm riding a horse.
And then, I'd be riding a horse.
I'm riding a horse.
And then, I'd just have a wet dream.
Not wet dreams.
I'd be riding a horse.
I'm riding a horse.
And then, I'd be riding a horse.
I'm riding a horse.
And then, I'd just have a wet dream.
And then I'd be riding a horse, riding a horse, and then I'd just have a wet
dream.
Not wet dream, it was a nocturnal emission, but it wasn't like...
Like that?
Like it was just an orgasm while you sleep.
But what is it like?
Is it like, I'm gonna use it, tell me it like...
Like a...
It's funny because I really...
It's funny because it was just me on a horse, just riding a horse.
Okay.
And then all of a sudden I'd be riding the horse and my dick would be hard.
I was a kid and I'd just be like, uh, whoa.
And then boom, it would hit and I would wake up.
Oh, yeah.
Like that was fucking...
I need to get a horse.
Yeah.
I need to get a horse ASAP.
Rich people just...
Yeah, yeah.
Black Stallion came out where the kid was riding on the beach.
I was like, luckiest kid in the fucking world.
That kid just skiing all over?
Just blowing loads all over a horse.
Yeah.
Like a...
And I've never really ridden a horse at full sprint.
It is, dare I say, better than average sex.
It's way better than average sex.