Name: Bert Kreischer and Theo Von Discuss Alcoholism and Drug Addiction
Uploaded: 2022-12-09T21:14:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer and Theo Von Discuss Alcoholism and Drug Addiction' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer and Theo Von Discuss Alcoholism and Drug Addiction' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-09. Transcript available.

do you think that you're an alcoholic no i've been i've run it through the ringer
a few times
dr drew's my litmus oh yeah and i've talked to him about he's like you're not
an alcoholic you
just drink too much he's like alcoholism is different being powerless to
alcohol is different
than drinking a lot i drank a lot yesterday and i woke up in the middle of the
night
in a fucking sizzle i mean i was so hot and all of a sudden my body went
and fucking poured sweat back to sleep no yeah yeah like almost like when a
truck stops and
it's like it woke me up i was so hot i've never done i've never done the whole
recovery thing
and uh do you ever think about it because you go i mean you go pretty hard you
know i think about it
all the time yeah i mean the problem i have is uh the problem i have is that
what happens is when i
feel like i'm going too hard there's this internal kind of uh metronome in me
that goes it's time to
slow down it's time to you got let's let's do a couple nights off let's you
know and not the way
like a regular person would go like we'll just drink on weekends you know and i'll
be like i'll just
i won't drink monday tuesday you know monday tuesday wednesday like this is
gonna sound like this is gonna
be the most horrific statement you'll ever hear me sound a podcast trust me but
like or or you'll go
let's let's not drink on private jets you know like that's like if you're
buying a private jet
to get yourself to work maybe you should use that as that really expensive
plane ticket as a time to
uh recovery and and work hard and read a script and not just party your fucking
dick off like i have
the whole time i've ever gotten private jet i get on a private jet i'd be like
if i'm paying 13 000 30
000 whatever i'm paying for a flight i'm partying my fucking dick off we're
eating edibles we're
fucking zana like yeah i'm gonna fucking get fucking wasted oh dude and then
and then i started going
no i should probably not do that i should probably use this as a time to work
on my business because
it's a business expense technically i drank perfectly in italy oh wow perfectly
i mean so here's my thing
with drinking if i if i day drink it fucks me up i can't day drink really so
like i can only drink i
need to have that's why the road works well for me because i don't have my
first drink till like
midnight oh wow yeah yeah so i'll drink midnight till two whenever bus call is
maybe have a pop on the
bus not lately because i have acid reflux so usually you just have a couple
drinks you know after the
show two or three drinks and then on the bus go to sleep maybe hit a vape pen
let me join go to bed
and and i'm out listen to a podcast i'm out and then wake up the next day a
little late but i don't
drink the whole fucking day so that's really good for me because day drinking
if i that's why i don't
drink on jets or drink on planes because i if i day drink on a plane then it
goes out throughout the
day and then that really puts a dent on your on your on your wellness like you
just feel like shit
your sweat smells like piss you're shaky your piss smells like sweat no your
sweat smells like piss too
both of them yeah both of them i mean when you're in my balls smelled i drank
all day yesterday
fucking started at like seven so you just did it yeah yesterday but i but i
were i busted my ass in
the gym today so it got out of me yeah but uh my balls smelled the worst anyone's
balls have ever
smelled in their entire life when i got in the shower to come here i took a
little dab and sniff and i was
like oh that's worse than armpits oh that's fucking and that was that was booze
so how jealous do you think
the front the the how jealous do you think the back of your balls are of the
front of your balls dude
well the back of your balls hang out with your asshole the front of your balls
hangs out with your dick
yeah i'd much rather hang out with a dick than an asshole me too imagine just
being back there it's
like living in the slums it's like it's like a you like to be alive i love
being alive it's like my favorite
part of being alive is loving that you're alive right like if you just kind of
go i'm alive
you know there's times i'm you know there's times where i'm i wake up and i'm
rough this one we're
talking about like the recovery brain of like man what what should i do and
then i think the difference
is i wake up and if i feel a little down a little depressed maybe a little hungover
maybe a little shaky
from partying too hard i go you have two options today you can lose today you're
gonna lose it you're
you're allowed to you're allowed to take a xanax tap out get back in bed crank
up the ac throw on
netflix put it on a spanish-speaking cooking show and just go to sleep for the
whole day you can do
that or you can choose to win the day where you get up you have a coffee you
barrel through it you go to
the gym you work out and you just ignore that voice in your head that goes hey
man we're not going
to be able to do this today you go i'm not listening to you today i chose to
seize today and and and and
knowing for me knowing that i have that tap out of like hey we can call it a
day we can wake up
and call it a day make a breakfast sandwich eat a xanax watch netflix crank up
the ac blackout curtains
sleep wake up at eight and have a cocktail with your wife and have a great
fucking day we can do
that or we can push through the day we can get up early we can go have a coffee
we have a treat
maybe a little bit of instagram a treat you know a little yeah and then get in
the gym push through it
piss sweat in the sauna in the polar plunge and you will feel better you will
feel i promise you you will
feel better and what do you choose i always choose the the one where i work out
i always choose it i
have chosen i've chosen xanax before i have right i have my wife always knows
it and she's like so
funny i thought you were different than that but you just gotta you gotta
choose to not listen to that
voice in your head that's going we can't do this man this is too hard i think
that's where some people
struggle with like alcoholism i think that voice it's not even sometimes about
the drugs and alcohol it's
just about that voice the next day and how much it like haunts them or like how
much it like the drugs
and alcohol fuel whatever the negative feelings like it just it's such a
gasoline on those thoughts
and feelings do you ever feel like do you ever feel like maybe and by the way
we don't have to keep
this in if you don't want to but do you ever feel like i always wonder with you
because i know you're
sober do you ever feel like maybe there was just aspects of your sobriety maybe
there was aspects of
your partying that should never have been included yeah like cocaine yeah like
that should never have
been in your mix right and you should have never been introduced to it and had
you never been
introduced to it you may be able to have a few beers with people i'm not saying
that by the way i'm
not i'm not oh i want you to i want your happiness no i think about that every
day do you ever think
that way oh yeah okay i can't do it it fucks me up so bad that i want to quit
everything yeah i go
fuck it it's like the next day off of cocaine i'm literally um i'm literally
waiting for the stroke
to hit i'm going like it's coming right now it's coming right now why did i do
this yeah do this to
myself yeah it's like that no whammies like that game show yeah no whammies no
whammies it's a heart
attack god damn it my heart's racing oh dude yeah cocaine's just insane man if
i'd never found
cocaine yeah i'd never had any problem with anything else that's crazy so
sometimes i think maybe at some
point i would just not do cocaine but yeah i mean it leads to it yeah that's
the problem is it's once
you once you find out you can once you find out you can just turn around in the
median and go the
other direction on the highway it's really hard to not do that every time yeah
like if you never knew
if you never knew you couldn't do that yeah when people were like yeah i i and
then i realized why
i never even super enjoyed drinking because cocaine you i'm like i can get
messed up right now right now
and marks get go you know what i'm saying it really does it really it's so much
better than a shot it's
just like it's like and that's the thing it's like you don't want to fuel that
voice because in some
people that voice is already kind of at like animated yeah and so yeah
sometimes people are
drinking to shut that voice off right and then and when you sober up that voice
goes you just hear
him wake up like what the did you you tried to kill me with alcohol last night
oh welcome to hell
motherfucker let's check our dick we got general warts
yeah dude i mean that voice that's why xanax is so great i never had no xanax
oh xanax just grabs him
real quick like a fucking gracie grabs his gi and goes like this good night
good night you go tonight
bed now and he's like oh can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe and then all
of a sudden xanax comes
you come out of a xanax and you hear that voice and he's like he's like how
long have i been out for
and you're like all right you're good man just lay there for a little bit lay
there wake up and he's
like okay holy shit what day is it and you're like it's thursday he's like no
fuck what are we
doing this weekend like don't worry about we're gonna have a drink later
tonight let's just shut
the fuck up he's like dude i got fucked up last night what happened it's like
the whole thing's
shutting that voice down by the way i'm sure there's someone who runs a
recovery center that right now
that's like oh bert needs to go into recovery tomorrow and by the way we need
to get rid of this
podcast you've just got everyone back on cocaine i don't know that well these
days also cocaine got
too dangerous to even do so it's like funny now one of the things that keeps me
from doing cocaine
is cocaine because it's like it's not it just there's no reliability with it
like i remember
uh trying to convince somebody like oh this guy gets legit cocaine and like
where does he get it from
and i'm like you're right i don't know he drives a fucking dodge neon okay i'm
sure it's good dude
look at his fucking line in his hair come on he's got he gets good stuff look
at his fingernails they're
pedicures they're pedicures we're good i'll tell you right now no one comments
on your drinking if
you're skinny when you're fat and i've been really fat i kind of still am that's
when you get people
showing up i had a week where i had three people tell me they were worried
about me but they were
just worried about me because i looked like shit and i was fat i was 265 pounds
i told someone i told
someone the other day who was i talking to i said i was 265 pounds and he goes
270 i went no i was
never 270 he goes yeah you were you just didn't know it wow because once you
weigh yourself at 265 going
i look good today and then you're like 265 that's fucking fat well there's days
you're 270 and so uh
uh i had like three people reach out to me and go hey man i'm worried about you
i'm concerned for you
um one of them counted two of them didn't um not didn't count but right but you're
like how do you
know i was like you haven't been around me you just saw me one time and you
were partying with me
and and and and by the way you're not my wife you're not my best friend like if
tommy says
to me i'm worried about you then i listen right like so yeah but uh i lost my i
lost like 20 pounds
and uh and then nobody said anything no one said anything lately and i probably
probably partying
just as hard as i always have i just go like yeah man i'll fucking push it till
the wheels come off and
no they'll come off they'll come off there'll be a time where i'm not i don't
know man i don't know
maybe i'll just die look i died in a plane crash they never came off i just
died i'll be a
fucking legend he died in a plane crash yeah tour bus accident not as much i
think so i think that
plane crash people respect that 25 000 feet you went through yeah you know and
then wondering what
he was doing the whole time on the way down i'll tell you what standing up
drinking jack daniels
going it if it's your time to go it's your time to go and i'm cranking up free
bird leonard skinnered
if i leave here tomorrow some people would chime in dude and i'm hoping i'm
hoping that that coward
buckled into the back yeah tells that story man he went down as ronnie van zandt
went down like that
hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch another and you can watch this
one you can watch this one
different options different choices some guy just brings you one option not
this guy two options watch one
this one this one or this one

Bert Kreischer and Theo Von Discuss Alcoholism and Drug Addiction

do you think that you're an alcoholic no i've been i've run it through the ringer
a few times
dr drew's my litmus oh yeah and i've talked to him about he's like you're not
an alcoholic you
just drink too much he's like alcoholism is different being powerless to
alcohol is different
than drinking a lot i drank a lot yesterday and i woke up in the middle of the
night
in a fucking sizzle i mean i was so hot and all of a sudden my body went
and fucking poured sweat back to sleep no yeah yeah like almost like when a
truck stops and
it's like it woke me up i was so hot i've never done i've never done the whole
recovery thing
and uh do you ever think about it because you go i mean you go pretty hard you
know i think about it
all the time yeah i mean the problem i have is uh the problem i have is that
what happens is when i
feel like i'm going too hard there's this internal kind of uh metronome in me
that goes it's time to
slow down it's time to you got let's let's do a couple nights off let's you
know and not the way
like a regular person would go like we'll just drink on weekends you know and i'll
be like i'll just
i won't drink monday tuesday you know monday tuesday wednesday like this is
gonna sound like this is gonna
be the most horrific statement you'll ever hear me sound a podcast trust me but
like or or you'll go
let's let's not drink on private jets you know like that's like if you're
buying a private jet
to get yourself to work maybe you should use that as that really expensive
plane ticket as a time to
uh recovery and and work hard and read a script and not just party your fucking
dick off like i have
the whole time i've ever gotten private jet i get on a private jet i'd be like
if i'm paying 13 000 30
000 whatever i'm paying for a flight i'm partying my fucking dick off we're
eating edibles we're
fucking zana like yeah i'm gonna fucking get fucking wasted oh dude and then
and then i started going
no i should probably not do that i should probably use this as a time to work
on my business because
it's a business expense technically i drank perfectly in italy oh wow perfectly
i mean so here's my thing
with drinking if i if i day drink it fucks me up i can't day drink really so
like i can only drink i
need to have that's why the road works well for me because i don't have my
first drink till like
midnight oh wow yeah yeah so i'll drink midnight till two whenever bus call is
maybe have a pop on the
bus not lately because i have acid reflux so usually you just have a couple
drinks you know after the
show two or three drinks and then on the bus go to sleep maybe hit a vape pen
let me join go to bed
and and i'm out listen to a podcast i'm out and then wake up the next day a
little late but i don't
drink the whole fucking day so that's really good for me because day drinking
if i that's why i don't
drink on jets or drink on planes because i if i day drink on a plane then it
goes out throughout the
day and then that really puts a dent on your on your on your wellness like you
just feel like shit
your sweat smells like piss you're shaky your piss smells like sweat no your
sweat smells like piss too
both of them yeah both of them i mean when you're in my balls smelled i drank
all day yesterday
fucking started at like seven so you just did it yeah yesterday but i but i
were i busted my ass in
the gym today so it got out of me yeah but uh my balls smelled the worst anyone's
balls have ever
smelled in their entire life when i got in the shower to come here i took a
little dab and sniff and i was
like oh that's worse than armpits oh that's fucking and that was that was booze
so how jealous do you think
the front the the how jealous do you think the back of your balls are of the
front of your balls dude
well the back of your balls hang out with your asshole the front of your balls
hangs out with your dick
yeah i'd much rather hang out with a dick than an asshole me too imagine just
being back there it's
like living in the slums it's like it's like a you like to be alive i love
being alive it's like my favorite
part of being alive is loving that you're alive right like if you just kind of
go i'm alive
you know there's times i'm you know there's times where i'm i wake up and i'm
rough this one we're
talking about like the recovery brain of like man what what should i do and
then i think the difference
is i wake up and if i feel a little down a little depressed maybe a little hungover
maybe a little shaky
from partying too hard i go you have two options today you can lose today you're
gonna lose it you're
you're allowed to you're allowed to take a xanax tap out get back in bed crank
up the ac throw on
netflix put it on a spanish-speaking cooking show and just go to sleep for the
whole day you can do
that or you can choose to win the day where you get up you have a coffee you
barrel through it you go to
the gym you work out and you just ignore that voice in your head that goes hey
man we're not going
to be able to do this today you go i'm not listening to you today i chose to
seize today and and and and
knowing for me knowing that i have that tap out of like hey we can call it a
day we can wake up
and call it a day make a breakfast sandwich eat a xanax watch netflix crank up
the ac blackout curtains
sleep wake up at eight and have a cocktail with your wife and have a great
fucking day we can do
that or we can push through the day we can get up early we can go have a coffee
we have a treat
maybe a little bit of instagram a treat you know a little yeah and then get in
the gym push through it
piss sweat in the sauna in the polar plunge and you will feel better you will
feel i promise you you will
feel better and what do you choose i always choose the the one where i work out
i always choose it i
have chosen i've chosen xanax before i have right i have my wife always knows
it and she's like so
funny i thought you were different than that but you just gotta you gotta
choose to not listen to that
voice in your head that's going we can't do this man this is too hard i think
that's where some people
struggle with like alcoholism i think that voice it's not even sometimes about
the drugs and alcohol it's
just about that voice the next day and how much it like haunts them or like how
much it like the drugs
and alcohol fuel whatever the negative feelings like it just it's such a
gasoline on those thoughts
and feelings do you ever feel like do you ever feel like maybe and by the way
we don't have to keep
this in if you don't want to but do you ever feel like i always wonder with you
because i know you're
sober do you ever feel like maybe there was just aspects of your sobriety maybe
there was aspects of
your partying that should never have been included yeah like cocaine yeah like
that should never have
been in your mix right and you should have never been introduced to it and had
you never been
introduced to it you may be able to have a few beers with people i'm not saying
that by the way i'm
not i'm not oh i want you to i want your happiness no i think about that every
day do you ever think
that way oh yeah okay i can't do it it fucks me up so bad that i want to quit
everything yeah i go
fuck it it's like the next day off of cocaine i'm literally um i'm literally
waiting for the stroke
to hit i'm going like it's coming right now it's coming right now why did i do
this yeah do this to
myself yeah it's like that no whammies like that game show yeah no whammies no
whammies it's a heart
attack god damn it my heart's racing oh dude yeah cocaine's just insane man if
i'd never found
cocaine yeah i'd never had any problem with anything else that's crazy so
sometimes i think maybe at some
point i would just not do cocaine but yeah i mean it leads to it yeah that's
the problem is it's once
you once you find out you can once you find out you can just turn around in the
median and go the
other direction on the highway it's really hard to not do that every time yeah
like if you never knew
if you never knew you couldn't do that yeah when people were like yeah i i and
then i realized why
i never even super enjoyed drinking because cocaine you i'm like i can get
messed up right now right now
and marks get go you know what i'm saying it really does it really it's so much
better than a shot it's
just like it's like and that's the thing it's like you don't want to fuel that
voice because in some
people that voice is already kind of at like animated yeah and so yeah
sometimes people are
drinking to shut that voice off right and then and when you sober up that voice
goes you just hear
him wake up like what the did you you tried to kill me with alcohol last night
oh welcome to hell
motherfucker let's check our dick we got general warts
yeah dude i mean that voice that's why xanax is so great i never had no xanax
oh xanax just grabs him
real quick like a fucking gracie grabs his gi and goes like this good night
good night you go tonight
bed now and he's like oh can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe and then all
of a sudden xanax comes
you come out of a xanax and you hear that voice and he's like he's like how
long have i been out for
and you're like all right you're good man just lay there for a little bit lay
there wake up and he's
like okay holy shit what day is it and you're like it's thursday he's like no
fuck what are we
doing this weekend like don't worry about we're gonna have a drink later
tonight let's just shut
the fuck up he's like dude i got fucked up last night what happened it's like
the whole thing's
shutting that voice down by the way i'm sure there's someone who runs a
recovery center that right now
that's like oh bert needs to go into recovery tomorrow and by the way we need
to get rid of this
podcast you've just got everyone back on cocaine i don't know that well these
days also cocaine got
too dangerous to even do so it's like funny now one of the things that keeps me
from doing cocaine
is cocaine because it's like it's not it just there's no reliability with it
like i remember
uh trying to convince somebody like oh this guy gets legit cocaine and like
where does he get it from
and i'm like you're right i don't know he drives a fucking dodge neon okay i'm
sure it's good dude
look at his fucking line in his hair come on he's got he gets good stuff look
at his fingernails they're
pedicures they're pedicures we're good i'll tell you right now no one comments
on your drinking if
you're skinny when you're fat and i've been really fat i kind of still am that's
when you get people
showing up i had a week where i had three people tell me they were worried
about me but they were
just worried about me because i looked like shit and i was fat i was 265 pounds
i told someone i told
someone the other day who was i talking to i said i was 265 pounds and he goes
270 i went no i was
never 270 he goes yeah you were you just didn't know it wow because once you
weigh yourself at 265 going
i look good today and then you're like 265 that's fucking fat well there's days
you're 270 and so uh
uh i had like three people reach out to me and go hey man i'm worried about you
i'm concerned for you
um one of them counted two of them didn't um not didn't count but right but you're
like how do you
know i was like you haven't been around me you just saw me one time and you
were partying with me
and and and and by the way you're not my wife you're not my best friend like if
tommy says
to me i'm worried about you then i listen right like so yeah but uh i lost my i
lost like 20 pounds
and uh and then nobody said anything no one said anything lately and i probably
probably partying
just as hard as i always have i just go like yeah man i'll fucking push it till
the wheels come off and
no they'll come off they'll come off there'll be a time where i'm not i don't
know man i don't know
maybe i'll just die look i died in a plane crash they never came off i just
died i'll be a
fucking legend he died in a plane crash yeah tour bus accide