Name: Theo Von and John Mulaney Neutralize Home Invaders
Uploaded: 2023-04-24T16:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von and John Mulaney Neutralize Home Invaders' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von and John Mulaney Neutralize Home Invaders' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-24. Transcript available.

and it's so harrowing to think what you would do in certain instances you know
and if you have the
because i even notice like if i get like scared at night you know yeah i'll
even say like
is somebody there you know like somebody's gonna be like yeah you're lying in
bed and you hear a
noise type scale yeah like i'll get you know i mean i'm tough and everything
but i will also in
addition to being tough i will like go be like you know hey is somebody there
like i'll do like
um who's you know yeah yeah yeah and like they're gonna say something back like
i'm here
you know burglar yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's always a burglar in my mind
you know it's always
that kind of home alone s type of fella you think it's someone coming in to
steal items and just
hoping no one wakes up and asks is anyone there yeah and you just yeah i think
about home invasion
most of the day yeah i mean you do you ever yell i have a gun
no that's a good idea yeah i have a gun i have a gun oh that sounded pretty
good with authority
right i have a gun now when you say you're a tough guy see i would mess it up
when you say you're a
tough guy in the in that moment you're in your home someone's coming in you don't
know what they're
about do you feel tough at first i don't right okay but then i have to remember
hey you are tough
oh that's so then i will be able to be tough tough meaning i know how to fight
do you do uh i'll go
to like jiu-jitsu classes okay all right but not a ton though okay just enough
to like maybe
take care of like you don't do that guy at the many martial art the mixed
martial art no no no no all
right i'm a huge fan of it sure but i am a like i'm a one-stripe white belt and
there are
four-year-olds that are that or seven-year-olds probably not four but uh you
know so it's not
it's not an insane thing to get but i mean i do know that once there's once so
say say there's
somebody i hear something right yeah i get out of bed i go over and then i
realize the scariest
part is you have to turn a corner in your home that's oh yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah so from now on
i turn and i go like i'll turn and be like hooray you know i will turn like i'm
here or something like
that like something so that if there is somebody they're about to attack me
they're not just gonna
get on to something that's like sinking away yeah i had a um a t-shirt i bought
at kanye west
life of pablo tour and it was a like a double xl airbrush t-shirt and on the
front it had a
um airbrush painting of donda west okay and on the back it had an airbrush
painting of robert
kardashian kim kardashian's late father okay no j simpson's attorney i was at
home um a few years
back and it was new year's it was a couple days after new year's and i'd had a
new year's party
where there'd been balloons and shit so but the house was still you know uh
messy from it um middle
of the night uh the alarm goes off screaming alarm like the loud ass someone
just came in through the
door alarm oh so i get out fucking threadbare boxers donda west robert kardashian
t-shirt
i reach behind the bed for my easton bat and it's not there oh i must have been
showing it off
downstairs okay so now i'm going i'm like i'm out in the uh in the hallway and
i'm like i gotta rush
down the stairs which had two turns to it oh god and i'm like i've got nothing
except maybe the t-shirt
to buy me some time of confusion like if i jumped out and you saw a big donda
west right i spun around
and there was an equally big robert kardashian and it said rest in power you'd
be like huh like
give me a minute holy shit that's a really nice just a hologram show am i a
coachella am i a coachella
or just like wow that's a really nice way to pay tribute to your parents right
and then i could fucking i don't know any but i could do something i could do
some miss piggy like
karate it's fine she would fly through the air and uh i go down and it's pitch
black and i'm just in
the darkness and right then a balloon decides to lose just enough helium that
it floats down a big
ass yellow balloon floats down right in front of my face i've never like it's
an asian guy is more
like yeah i've never been murdered by a clown but i bet right before you're
murdered by a clown a big
yellow balloon appears yeah that's what happens and i said out loud not like
this
i was so existentially scared and it was i was just like not not now not like
this
i love that man murdered by a clown in a donda west robert kardashian t-shirt
what a way to go though yeah i mean it'd be in the paper
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