Name: Bert Kreischer and Theo Von Remember Being with Girls Growing Up
Uploaded: 2023-05-26T19:04:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer and Theo Von Remember Being with Girls Growing Up' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer and Theo Von Remember Being with Girls Growing Up' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-26. Transcript available.

when i was a kid i thought jacking off meant you were gay like i didn't know
that that meant that
you just were a regular person right and so i lived with that until i was like
until i was 18
years old you were jerking off thinking you were gay i thought i just thought i
must be gay i can't
stop i must be one of those weird gay guys that's only attracted to women
because i don't i'm only
jacking off the chicks and i'm hooking up with chicks i had sex with a chick
but i can't quit
jacking off and then we got into our fraternity and they said something about
jacking off and i
was like hold on you guys you guys do that and they're like everyone does it
and i was like
where the fuck was this open in honesty like where was this my whole entire
fucking life and they call
it jacking off with the word like a name jack no that's when they started
calling it rubbing one
out everyone rubs one out yeah and i was like rubbing one out they're like yeah
you know and i
was like dude eddie bravo said they people would just used to say play with
themselves yeah and it
was totally normal what you gonna what's going on today man i'm probably gonna
just you know have
you know have some kool-aid and maybe play with myself or maybe you know get a
new harp or something
dude i wish that that had happened earlier for me growing up because it was i
really was like i must
be a pervert yeah there must be something wrong with me like i don't think i
ever really like at a
certain age you go i'm definitely straight i'm i'm sleeping with us i lost my
identity to a chick
all i want are chicks i remember the first time i felt a chick up in the bushes
remember when you go
back into the bushes oh yeah and just make out and just hold just play with
your tit a million
different ways you're like i've been waiting for this day my entire fucking
life oh my god oh my god
oh my god like oh dude i remember some girl didn't want uh me to she was like
so nervous about
like god i guess seeing us touch each other or whatever we're in a sand trap on
a golf course right
yeah oh shit she was so nervous she took her fucking pants off and everything
and then like
tried to cover as much of her body as she could with fucking sand right so then
i don't even i'm
still i'm young dude i can get through some sand for some crotch you know like
this is you know yeah
this is fucking you know i'm fired up you know what i'm saying i could probably
shoot semen through
a fucking wall of sand at that time as a golfer as a golfer would say she was a
fried egg
so then i'm playing with this you know touching this girl's crotch with sand
everywhere and it was
it you know it ended up kind of stopping the scenario and she and and and she
didn't you know
she got i don't want to say sick but she had to you know talk to her mom and
stuff a bunch after that
i got a sandy hand job one time in clearwater beach did you oh every hand job
is standing on there dude
you can't keep sand off your dick south of uh north of dust just rubbing the
skin off and you
just were like just it'll be over in a second we just gotta get through this
this is the hard part
this is love this is mile 20 of the marathon here we go here we go come on dude
yeah fuck yeah
god i miss those days like when like you're when like you were like you get so
excited to touch
body and you'd be like oh my god oh yeah like i remember the first time i fingered
a chick i was
wow secret time i was on i was in the haunted house ride at disney world in orlando
and it was
the part where like and i just i never thought about it i never like i was in
eighth grade and i was like
we're making out on the ride and i'm playing with her boob and then all of a
sudden i just was like
let's see if this works and it just went in so quick and like it just it just
worked it just went
yeah and i was like whoa and then i didn't know what to do with my finger and i
just left it there
like i was taking her temperature yeah just left it in there like yeah pretty
nice huh that's swaggy dude
she's like huh i'm like yeah okay that's an old doctor move dude dude bro i
remember one time i was
in i was doing a college show somewhere this is like 10 years ago and
afterwards i was drinking at a house on
i was drinking at a house right yeah and i didn't know the house was on campus
but the police show up
and they say this house is technically on campus it didn't look like it was on
campus at all it was
like a regular house yeah it wasn't like a dormitory or like a you know um a
quadruplex or anything like
that um so the cops came took me to jail right and there was this girl i was
flirting with and i was
like excited maybe i get to get to hook up well anyway i get back to the hotel
where my buddies are
staying in the morning the girl slept over she hooked up with my buddy right
yeah and um and
he had broken both of his he had two broken arms though so my other buddy had
to hold him up while
he was her like he like he like laid on got on top of her but then my other
buddy was real strong like
adonis like leaned over and just held him up the whole time by his chest so we
could just like dangle
his arms like because my buddy was on top like he could just dangle his arms
and still have sex and
then me and the girl ended up having sex dude and she had the darkest bush i've
ever seen in my life
and it was like three or four inches long and it was straight she was like
black she was african-american
but just kind of in the just and it was um just the hair was just very you know
it was more of african
type of hair you know and it was just so exciting it was such an exciting time
and that was up in
binghamton i think i remember i remember in uh my junior year of high school
yeah no no no it must
have been sophomore year of high school or at ty rodriguez's house and uh and
everyone's everyone's
hooking up like it was just a bunch of girls bunch of guys it's just like you
know it's just like
fucking like i think they what do they call it like uh make out fest or
something and then the next
morning we're all eating breakfast and uh everyone's like did you hook up i was
like yeah i i made out
pretty aggressively with i'm just saying name like jennifer and they're like uh
they're like really and
my buddy sean hooker goes what time i go oh what an asshole probably like night
time one and he goes
you think it was one more around two i said well i don't know it was right
before we all went to bed
and they started laughing i go why and he goes because she sucked my dick at
midnight and i was
like oh and that's when everyone's like so wait what's hooker's dictate i
shouldn't say his name i
guess what's hooker's dick he knows yeah he knows man but yeah those fucking
times you're like oh god
this is gonna make me into a comedian i guess i gotta have a sense of humor
about this i've never
been a cool dude with chicks i wish really never never i could never turn it
off but do oh i could
see that i was always trying to be funny even when we got back to the room i
just couldn't turn it
off really yeah i get uncomfortable and then like leaning in for a first kiss
oh dude that's like
it's almost like talking a different language for me like to be able to like go
from what this
is right here like this energy right here which will work this works with a
chick like hanging out
making her laugh get back to the room and then going from this to yeah slow
dude remember how
whenever you were young what face is this oh yeah okay crazy yeah that's crazy
it's like kissing a
fucking lizard and i kiss with my eyes open oh really yeah that's insane scared
the shit out of some
chicks before and then they opened their eyes like what the fuck and you're
like what what but dude that
heat primer oh i remember we played spin the bottle at this party and like the
prettiest girl in our
town dude this girl i had the big i was in love with this girl her name was emily
baumgartner
and she was gonna kiss me and i could just i got this weird feeling at first i
thought that she had
to vomit and i had to vomit at the same time i didn't know what the feeling was
right but later
on in life i realized it means we kind of were into each other because i was
like what are the odds
i love that your first kiss it is so weird like a yeah and then you're like oh
no i'm getting sick like
oh my god theo that's brilliant the oh my god that's so brilliant the she goes
in to kiss you
but it does look like you're about to be sick like she's like and then you're
like oh i think i'm gonna
throw up now do you want to get a bucket oh my god because if i see someone
throw up i throw up
and then we just put each other's mouths and the forces collide but no i what
for me it was there was
something going on between us and she liked me yeah and i thought whenever like
we looked at each other
we there was this weird feeling and that's when i thought we're both gonna
vomit like i was like oh
something does she have to vomit maybe i something you know it was just
uncomfortable but then it was time
to kiss like the bottle spun or whatever and then i was like holy i'm gonna
kiss like the girl of
my dreams and i didn't know how to kiss anybody dude and as i got closer to her
my mouth kept opening
wider and wider up because i've seen something on television right yeah and
then i literally just
wrapped my whole mouth like around her kind of mouth and chin and somebody
laughed dude some little
imp some little mulan bluebird what would you rather have you ready yeah what
would you rather have
i'd rather that she had an instagram so that i could see her once in a while
because she doesn't
she doesn't there's no pictures she could be deceased and if she is i'm really
sorry to her
family but i've never seen any pictures of her online i've looked everywhere i
looked for the black
kid in my neighborhood last night did you yeah i looked for him i think i found
him he's we have
two mutual friends but and i think that that and then he lives in tampa but i
was looking for him last
night i just woke up had a dream about him and his sister and uh and i and i
looked him up and i think i got him
my his dad's on there but his mom's not on there and so i'm like his mom might
have passed but uh
what would you rather have uh there's no question for me to go back in time and
re-experience your
first kiss or go back in time and re-experience the first time you had sex with
someone
first kiss yeah first sex first kiss marie koval seventh grade we were up in my
bedroom our parents
were downstairs having like a dinner party and we were just messing around and
i was on my back and
she was on her back we were listening to music and she just rolled over rolled
over i think we were
head to head just rolled over leaned over and started kissing me like upside
down and i just dude my tits
got loose like just shaky and i lost my stomach and then i was like and then i
heard my sister bert mom
and dad want you and marie to come downstairs and i'm like oh yeah dude i and
by the way i kissed her
probably like four times and every single time felt like a first kiss yeah oh
dude i remember there was
this girl named chrissy hunt when i was real young and she could have been
seven or she could have been
fucking 40. and she um the first time we kissed i think she had blood in her
mouth for some reason
and it was uh because her teeth were all banged up i don't know what happened
she may have been in a
wreck right before we kissed and uh but she had blood in her mouth and i
remember thinking that that was
crazy and then years later um but i remember oh the kids the neighborhood kids
would lock us in a room
together and weren't allowed to come out until we kissed and it was just the
hardest fucking thing in
the world bro it was like i was just because i knew we both knew we had to and
i had to do something
i was supposed to like be the man you know but i couldn't be the man yeah and i'm
in the room and
all i want to do is kiss her dude and i'd usually been humping my pillow at
night and my buddy would
come over and we would practice on our pillows one of us had a whistle and blow
it on the other
one if he was doing like bad moves on the pillow yeah way too hard kind of rapey
back off back there
you go get off mutual corners facial corners of the bed wrong hole wrong hole
leap there you go up
under up under oh feathers feathers feathers feathers you're fucking the
feathers out of there but it
was fun bro and then i remember in uh junior high school finally i got to date
a girl and she looked
just like a boy everybody thought that she was a boy and uh we would kiss like
at the school bus would
come but it would come from the older school where all the older kids were yeah
and me and her would be
standing there like waiting to kiss every time we would always just end up
hugging and then somebody
yelled out one time just kiss each other you and use the n-word ass dude right
and we were both white
and we're like we got to do it now you know what i'm saying like people are
getting us racially
confused they're starting to hate us so much yeah so we just started making out
so dude it's just crazy the power of racism dude
i love it that's what you draw out of that bro and then i'm making out with
this girl that looked
like power racism just overwhelming whatever i did it made me make other girls
i dated her for four
years yeah they only dated for like a year and she always wanted like baseball
clothes and stuff
for like all like the dances and all like dances she wanted us to wear like
baseball
oh i went through a tear of lesbians like dating lesbians i went through a tear
of them i could see
that i had a period where i was i would date a girl and then immediately they'd
come out gay and
i'd be like god damn it is it me it's not me i think that i was just that i was
the first step
i was the i was the least threatening of what they were looking for you're like
john lovitz in a
league of their own just every time he goes there he just pulls the lesbian out
of hope you enjoyed
that video and you can watch another and you can watch this one you can watch
this one different
options different choices some guy just brings you one option not this guy two
options
options watch one this one this one this one

Bert Kreischer and Theo Von Remember Being with Girls Growing Up

when i was a kid i thought jacking off meant you were gay like i didn't know
that that meant that
you just were a regular person right and so i lived with that until i was like
until i was 18
years old you were jerking off thinking you were gay i thought i just thought i
must be gay i can't
stop i must be one of those weird gay guys that's only attracted to women
because i don't i'm only
jacking off the chicks and i'm hooking up with chicks i had sex with a chick
but i can't quit
jacking off and then we got into our fraternity and they said something about
jacking off and i
was like hold on you guys you guys do that and they're like everyone does it
and i was like
where the fuck was this open in honesty like where was this my whole entire
fucking life and they call
it jacking off with the word like a name jack no that's when they started
calling it rubbing one
out everyone rubs one out yeah and i was like rubbing one out they're like yeah
you know and i
was like dude eddie bravo said they people would just used to say play with
themselves yeah and it
was totally normal what you gonna what's going on today man i'm probably gonna
just you know have
you know have some kool-aid and maybe play with myself or maybe you know get a
new harp or something
dude i wish that that had happened earlier for me growing up because it was i
really was like i must
be a pervert yeah there must be something wrong with me like i don't think i
ever really like at a
certain age you go i'm definitely straight i'm i'm sleeping with us i lost my
identity to a chick
all i want are chicks i remember the first time i felt a chick up in the bushes
remember when you go
back into the bushes oh yeah and just make out and just hold just play with
your tit a million
different ways you're like i've been waiting for this day my entire fucking
life oh my god oh my god
oh my god like oh dude i remember some girl didn't want uh me to she was like
so nervous about
like god i guess seeing us touch each other or whatever we're in a sand trap on
a golf course right
yeah oh shit she was so nervous she took her fucking pants off and everything
and then like
tried to cover as much of her body as she could with fucking sand right so then
i don't even i'm
still i'm young dude i can get through some sand for some crotch you know like
this is you know yeah
this is fucking you know i'm fired up you know what i'm saying i could probably
shoot semen through
a fucking wall of sand at that time as a golfer as a golfer would say she was a
fried egg
so then i'm playing with this you know touching this girl's crotch with sand
everywhere and it was
it you know it ended up kind of stopping the scenario and she and and and she
didn't you know
she got i don't want to say sick but she had to you know talk to her mom and
stuff a bunch after that
i got a sandy hand job one time in clearwater beach did you oh every hand job
is standing on there dude
you can't keep sand off your dick south of uh north of dust just rubbing the
skin off and you
just were like just it'll be over in a second we just gotta get through this
this is the hard part
this is love this is mile 20 of the marathon here we go here we go come on dude
yeah fuck yeah
god i miss those days like when like you're when like you were like you get so
excited to touch
body and you'd be like oh my god oh yeah like i remember the first time i fingered
a chick i was
wow secret time i was on i was in the haunted house ride at disney world in orlando
and it was
the part where like and i just i never thought about it i never like i was in
eighth grade and i was like
we're making out on the ride and i'm playing with her boob and then all of a
sudden i just was like
let's see if this works and it just went in so quick and like it just it just
worked it just went
yeah and i was like whoa and then i didn't know what to do with my finger and i
just left it there
like i was taking her temperature yeah just left it in there like yeah pretty
nice huh that's swaggy dude
she's like huh i'm like yeah okay that's an old doctor move dude dude bro i
remember one time i was
in i was doing a college show somewhere this is like 10 years ago and
afterwards i was drinking at a house on
i was drinking at a house right yeah and i didn't know the house was on campus
but the police show up
and they say this house is technically on campus it didn't look like it was on
campus at all it was
like a regular house yeah it wasn't like a dormitory or like a you know um a
quadruplex or anything like
that um so the cops came took me to jail right and there was this girl i was
flirting with and i was
like excited maybe i get to get to hook up well anyway i get back to the hotel
where my buddies are
staying in the morning the girl slept over she hooked up with my buddy right
yeah and um and
he had broken both of his he had two broken arms though so my other buddy had
to hold him up while
he was her like he like he like laid on got on top of her but then my other
buddy was real strong like
adonis like leaned over and just held him up the whole time by his chest so we
could just like dangle
his arms like because my buddy was on top like he could just dangle his arms
and still have sex and
then me and the girl ended up having sex dude and she had the darkest bush i've
ever seen in my life
and it was like three or four inches long and it was straight she was like
black she was african-american
but just kind of in the just and it was um just the hair was just very you know
it was more of african
type of hair you know and it was just so exciting it was such an exciting time
and that was up in
binghamton i think i remember i remember in uh my junior year of high school
yeah no no no it must
have been sophomore year of high school or at ty rodriguez's house and uh and
everyone's everyone's
hooking up like it was just a bunch of girls bunch of guys it's just like you
know it's just like
fucking like i think they what do they call it like uh make out fest or
something and then the next
morning we're all eating breakfast and uh everyone's like did you hook up i was
like yeah i i made out
pretty aggressively with i'm just saying name like jennifer and they're like uh
they're like really and
my buddy sean hooker goes what time i go oh what an asshole probably like night
time one and he goes
you think it was one more around two i said well i don't know it was right
before we all went to bed
and they started laughing i go why and he goes because she sucked my dick at
midnight and i was
like oh and that's when everyone's like so wait what's hooker's dictate i
shouldn't say his name i
guess what's hooker's dick he knows yeah he knows man but yeah those fucking
times you're like oh god
this is gonna make me into a comedian i guess i gotta have a sense of humor
about this i've never
been a cool dude with chicks i wish really never never i could never turn it
off but do oh i could
see that i was always trying to be funny even when we got back to the room i
just couldn't turn it
off really yeah i get uncomfortable and then like leaning in for a first kiss
oh dude that's like
it's almost like talking a different language for me like to be able to like go
from what this
is right here like this energy right here which will work this works with a
chick like hanging out
making her laugh get back to the room and then going from this to yeah slow
dude remember how
whenever you were young what face is this oh yeah okay crazy yeah that's crazy
it's like kissing a
fucking lizard and i kiss with my eyes open oh really yeah that's insane scared
the shit out of some
chicks before and then they opened their eyes like what the fuck and you're
like what what but dude that
heat primer oh i remember we played spin the bottle at this party and like the
prettiest girl in our
town dude this girl i had the big i was in love with this girl her name was emily
baumgartner
and she was gonna kiss me and i could just i got this weird feeling at first i
thought that she had
to vomit and i had to vomit at the same time i didn't know what the feeling was
right but later
on in life i realized it means we kind of were into each other because i was
like what are the odds
i love that your first kiss it is so weird like a yeah and then you're like oh
no i'm getting sick like
oh my god theo that's brilliant the oh my god that's so brilliant the she goes
in to kiss you
but it does look like you're about to be sick like she's like and then you're
like oh i think i'm gonna
throw up now do you want to get a bucket oh my god because if i see someone
throw up i throw up
and then we just put each other's mouths and the forces collide but no i what
for me it was there was
something going on between us and she liked me yeah and i thought whenever like
we looked at each other
we there was this weird feeling and that's when i thought we're both gonna
vomit like i was like oh
something does she have to vomit maybe i something you know it was just
uncomfortable but then it was time
to kiss like the bottle spun or whatever and then i was like holy i'm gonna
kiss like the girl of
my dreams and i didn't know how to kiss anybody dude and as i got closer to her
my mouth kept opening
wider and wider up because i've seen something on television right yeah and
then i literally just
wrapped my whole mouth like around her kind of mouth and chin and somebody
laughed dude some little
imp some little mulan bluebird what would you rather have you ready yeah what
would you rather have
i'd rather that she had an instagram so that i could see her once in a while
because she doesn't
she doesn't there's no pictures she could be deceased and if she is i'm really
sorry to her
family but i've never seen any pictures of her online i've looked everywhere i
looked for the black
kid in my neighborhood last night did you yeah i looked for him i think i found
him he's we have
two mutual friends but and i think that that and then he lives in tampa but i
was looking for him last
night i just woke up had a dream about him and his sister and uh and i and i
looked him up and i think i got him
my his dad's on there but his mom's not on there and so i'm like his mom might
have passed but uh
what would you rather have uh there's no question for me to go back in time and
re-experience your
first kiss or go back in time and re-experience the first time you had sex with
someone
first kiss yeah first sex first kiss marie koval seventh grade we were up in my
bedroom our parents
were downstairs having like a dinner party and we were just messing around and
i was on my back and
she was on her back we were listening to music and she just rolled over rolled
over i think we were
head to head just rolled over leaned over and started kissing me like upside
down and i just dude my tits
got loose like just shaky and i lost my stomach and then i was like and then i
heard my sister bert mom
and dad want you and marie to come downstairs and i'm like oh yeah dude i and
by the way i kissed her
probably like four times and every single time felt like a first kiss yeah oh
dude i remember there was
this girl named chrissy hunt when i was real young and she could have been
seven or she could have been
fucking 40. and she um the first time we kissed i think she had blood in her
mouth for some reason
and it was uh because her teeth were all banged up i don't know what happened
she may have been in a
wreck right before we kissed and uh but she had blood in her mouth and i
remember thinking that that was
crazy and then years later um but i remember oh the kids the neighborhood kids
would lock us in a room
together and weren't allowed to come out until we kissed and it was just the
hardest fucking thing in
the world bro it was like i was just because i knew we both knew we had to and
i had to do something
i was supposed to like be the man you know but i couldn't be the man yeah and i'm
in the room and
all i want to do is kiss her dude and i'd usually b