Name: Roseanne Reflects on Her Honeymoons and Husbands
Uploaded: 2023-06-15T01:43:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Roseanne Reflects on Her Honeymoons and Husbands' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Roseanne Reflects on Her Honeymoons and Husbands' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-15. Transcript available.

- Did you ever go on a nice honeymoon
whenever you were younger?
- You mean on my marriages?
- Yeah.
- The first time I got married to Jake's dad,
we went to the Justice of the Peace.
Then we went to Target for our honeymoon.
- Oh yeah.
- We had 36 bucks we could spend.
So we bought a garbage can and a case of beer
and I bought a pair of white shoes.
- Yeah.
- And then we went home and we were really poor
living in the mountains of Colorado
and all our friends had gifted us canned goods
for our wedding present.
And so we just stayed with our friends
like smoking a ton of pot and singing,
a lot of musicians and singing and playing music
and that was our honeymoon.
We camped out in tents and that was a good honeymoon.
- That's cool.
- That was real hippy dippy honeymoon.
And then second who'd I marry?
Oh, Tom Arnold.
And that was the honeymoon from hell.
Oh my God, I should talk about that honeymoon.
- Yeah, he sweats a lot.
- Tell me about it bitches.
Where's my fucking cigs?
Oh, I put them on.
Oh, that honeymoon.
I didn't even want to get married.
As we were saying our vows, I was crying in the closet.
Like, oh my God, how do I get out of this?
- Yeah, but I didn't want him to see me crying
because he'd slap me.
- Yeah, he's sensitive.
- He'd beat me up.
So I was like faking like I was, oh ha ha.
And so we got married and oh my God, what a nightmare.
So that was a fucking nightmare.
I haven't even talked about it.
- Did y'all go on a honeymoon though?
- Yes, we went to Mexico.
- Oh God, huh?
- Yeah, okay, as always happened with him.
Some hotel down there that had private swimming pools
'cause I'm like, I gotta have a private swimming pool
so I can swim 'cause I'm not gonna let nobody
get a picture of me in my bathing suit
'cause I was really fat and so was he.
So we got a hotel that had Acapulco, yeah.
- Is it fun if you're fat and you hug somebody else
that's fat, it must be awesome.
- Oh yeah, there's a lot of cushion.
- That's cool, man.
- Plus it's nice to have another fat person who love you
because everyone's so mean to fat people.
And here we were like two big fat people telling each other,
oh, you look so great.
And you know, we were complimentary to each other
for the most part with some dark shit going in.
We'd beat the fuck out of each other.
You know, which was fun.
But.
- Yeah, I mean look.
- At first.
- Well yeah, especially when you're from all types of environments.
- I mean especially when I got to hit.
- Somebody's gotta get beaten every now and then.
- When I got to hit him, it was fun.
- Oh yeah.
- But if he hit me back, it wasn't fun.
- Yeah.
- But anyways.
There was a lot of ugliness to it.
But anyway, so there we were down there and I'm in the pool and I look up and
it's ringed by photographers all the way around our room.
But the best part is we were in our room.
We had to order room service and the front desk called and he answered the
phone and they said, "This is the front desk and your neighbors are complaining
that you're eating too loud."
We ordered about 700 main dishes in there, we were just eating up a storm, clanking
dishes and the neighbors complained and he was on the phone.
I remember him going, "Eating too loud.
Yeah, your neighbors can hear you eating."
Then we went out in the pool and it was ringed by paparazzis.
So they always interfered and ruined everything.
But it was fun.
The eating a bunch and swimming with no paparazzis was really fun honeymoon
till they showed up.
And then I found out he told them where we were going to be.
You know, he just really...
- Couldn't get out of his own way maybe.
- Yeah, he couldn't get out of his own way.
I hear he's out of his own way now.
I hope that's true.
We don't talk no more.
But anyways.
Then my third husband, Ben, his name is.
I have a little kid with him, Buck.
He's 27.
He's just like his dad.
Yeah.
Where'd we go on a honeymoon?
Oh, we didn't go on a honeymoon.
Because I was pregnant.
We just stayed home, I guess.
No, I guess I never really, except for that Mexico one, never did a real, real
anything you're
supposed to do kind of deal.
I'd love to go on a honeymoon with no husband.
I'll tell you why that would be a great deal.
Just go by myself, you know, by myself with a couple, you know, bodyguards or
what have you,
securities.
Do whatever the hell I want, pamper myself, look at art.
I did have a three-month vacation.
And I saved up all my money, you know, when I got a divorce off Tom Arnold.
I did go to Europe for three months by myself.
Oh, that's nice.
It was so nice.
And I went and looked at art and traveled all over, ate everything I could get
my hands on.
That was like my own honeymoon.
Yeah.
A divorce celebration.
That was fun.
And you lived in Hawaii for a long time, which is kind of like...
Yeah, 15 years I've lived there, maybe 18 years now.
And I still live there, part-time there in Texas here.
Hawaii is like a honeymoon every day.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
I just got back from Maui like last week.
I hate Maui.
Yeah.
That's where everybody goes.
Yeah.
It's crowded.
Hope you enjoyed that video.
And you can watch another.
And you can watch this one.
You can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you one option.
Not this guy.
Two options.
Watch one.
This one or this one.