Name: A Coroner Recounts The Most Bizarre Deaths He's Investigated
Uploaded: 2023-08-24T19:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Coroner Recounts The Most Bizarre Deaths He's Investigated' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Coroner Recounts The Most Bizarre Deaths He's Investigated' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-24. Transcript available.

So when does someone call a coroner, and what is a coroner, death investigator?
I'm going to call it a coroner for the episode.
That's fine.
Okay.
What is a coroner?
So a coroner is an elected position, but what we do is we go out when someone
dies,
or we're called every time someone dies that lives within our parish.
Okay, or county.
Or county.
In Louisiana, it's parishes.
So we're called if it's a natural case, or if it's a homicide, suicide, any of
the manners
of death, any time it's an accident, or just your general natural death, it
comes to us.
Okay.
We have to pick up the phone and decide, you know, is this natural causes, or
is there foul
play?
We work closely with police.
Okay.
So the police give you a call.
That's right.
Yeah.
So take me through like an interesting call that's coming in, you know,
especially down
there in Louisiana.
Dang.
Yeah.
You know, I knew people that could, you know, they couldn't.
They couldn't learn the alphabet, and they took their own life, bro.
That's right.
We see a lot of that.
You know, there's a lot of preventable deaths that we can talk about.
But, you know, a typical call in Louisiana is anything from heart disease,
suicide, OD.
But to be more specific, we've had many that they find a body floating in the
bayou.
And that can be different, you know, because they've been exposed to water.
So, you know, they may be bloated more.
Some of the surface evidence or the trace evidence that we use is not there
because they've been
floating.
You can see where turtles and other animals in the water have nipped at them.
Oh, yeah.
So it can be somewhat gruesome and then hard to tell, you know, why are they in
this water?
You know, they're dressed in regular street clothes.
They weren't, you know, they weren't swimming, they weren't fishing, and they're
in the water.
Sometimes people OD, and their friends have no clue what to do with them, so
they throw
them into the bayou.
Yeah.
Sometimes these guys are just, you know, hanging out, and they slip and fall
and hit their head
or they pass out.
You know, we don't always know what got them to the bayou.
Now, how do those bodies look if you roll up on a body?
Because I've always wanted to find a deceased body.
I think a lot of people have.
That's a bucket list of mine.
I see them every day, but I've never rolled up on one.
Yeah, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
That is.
Why is that a bucket list thing for people?
I don't know, but it happens often.
I had a guy cutting the grass at a rent house and found a body.
God.
And did he get any intel, or he just got lucky?
No, he just got lucky.
He was cutting grass, and boom, he found that body.
A lot of times, if you work and stay focused and you keep working towards, I
mean, you know,
it's better than some lazy dude who's doing nothing finding a body.
Right.
At least that guy's out there doing something.
Well, when that lazy person finds a body, you got a question.
How'd you find this body, you know?
We had one recently that was just a driver was passing by, and there was a lady
in the
ditch.
Now, what was interesting was her arms were removed.
She was a Mexican female.
Damn, that's interesting.
So, they removed her arms because of her tattoos.
So, this was a...
Oh, the killer did.
This was a hit job.
Correct.
And they didn't want her identified, you know?
So, they see this in a ditch, and they call us, and then we got to figure out,
well, where's
the arms, you know?
So, there's interesting cases like that where people just, you know, they right
time, right
place, and they find bodies.
And so, did you roll up on that scene with no arms?
Yes.
Yes.
So, when you get there, what's going on?
Like, are people milling around?
Is somebody...
You know, like, what's the scene like when you roll up on it?
Well, in that regard, there's no families present.
You know, it's different than most.
You know, it's a lot of sheriffs standing around, looking at the dead body.
Now, we have jurisdiction on that body, and legally, they're not supposed to
touch that
body until we get there.
Okay.
So, of course, I would get there, look at the scene, you know, to try to find
out, does
she have family around here?
What's she doing in this area?
She's not from here.
They'll do an investigation.
The law enforcement will do an investigation on their part, and then I'll start
looking
at the body for obvious signs of foul play.
And in this regard, she had no arms.
So, we knew something wasn't right, and it wasn't like an alligator or an
animal came
out and removed her arms.
This was intentional.
Wow.
You know, so in that case, we would get them to an autopsy facility.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I had a guy find a foot once.
It was from a fatality, but they called me, and this was, you know, weeks later.
Hey, we found a foot.
Would you come pick it up?
They don't want to touch it, even.
You know, so I throw a bag in my car, and I go grab a foot.
It's a different lifestyle, you know?
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
You know, if I get pulled over, yeah, you know, carrying anything, yeah, man, I
got a foot
in my car.
Yeah, bro.
I got a 10 and a half in the trunk.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Dude, that's wild, man.
Yeah, that's interesting.
And you put that foot in the trunk.
You put it in the back seat.
What do you do?
Yeah, well, in that case, I figured it would be pretty gnarly, so I actually
brought a disposable
ice chest and packed it in there and then got it to the funeral home that they
brought
her body to.
She may have been sent to cremation, but either way, the funeral home would
take care of that
body part.
Okay.
And I've traveled with worse.
You know, in Louisiana, it doesn't snow often.
We had a case years ago where it was an infant death, and the autopsy place is
about an hour
and a half away from where we live or where we work in our parish.
So they had a baby that had passed away, and they asked, hey, it was snowing
really bad.
Hey, can you meet us halfway with this child?
And I'm in my personal car.
I'm like, sure.
So the baby, of course, is in a body bag.
Yeah.
So I'm driving down the highway with a baby in my car.
And how big is that body bag?
I mean, it's like a gallon or something.
Well, it's like a duffel bag for a baby.
Oh, yeah.
But, you know, again, you get pulled over, and I have an unmarked car.
I'm in street clothes or normally scrubs.
Oh, yeah.
What are you carrying?
At least you're not in a Miata or something.
Yeah, yeah.
That'd be the worst, bro.
You get pulled over in a Miata, and you got a baby in a duffel bag, bro.
I kind of went over the speed limit just to kind of maybe, man, if I could only
get pulled
over here, you know, it would be an interesting case.
Oh, that'd be fascinating.
But, you know, it's sad when we lose babies like that.
But the fact of the matter is the baby needed to go to autopsy.
And we'll do anything we can to assist in that regard.
And if it meant driving through the snow 30, 45 minutes, you know, we'll do
that.
Yeah.
That's some of the things that we do to help.
So I was called to one case where the deputies said, this one's, this case is
unusual.
We'd like you to come out.
And so then I go out, and they had noticed some blood dripping on the floor, on
the floor,
bloodstains.
Out of the body?
No, just on the floor.
Okay.
That's all they'd noticed.
Right.
They saw that.
And then the body was an adult male on a couch.
Okay.
So I walk into the house, and, I mean, we're reading everything the minute we
get on scene.
Even, you know, what friends and family are there, how do they look, who's
their neighbors,
what area they live in.
So I walk into the house, and this was kind of in the country.
And the first thing I see is he had Mickey's Malt Liquor memorabilia everywhere.
So I said, okay, okay, I like this guy's style.
You know, he's a middle-aged guy.
Yeah, he's a Kappa Sig, probably.
Yeah.
So I'm looking at that, and then I asked the detectives to show me where the
bloodstains
are.
Well, I go, and I look, and there were some cobwebs over the door, so I could
tell that
that home hadn't, that area of the house hadn't been used, just from the cobwebs
and stuff.
Okay.
But when I opened the fridge, there was an intact hog's head in the fridge with
fur on it.
Ooh.
I mean, that's odd, you know.
And so then I look in the oven, and the guy's making cracklings in an oven.
Now, if you've ever made cracklings, you know, you're stirring those in grease.
When you're baking cracklings on a Tuesday night, and you save the hog's head
to make hog's
head cheese later, you're going to definitely have heart disease.
You know, there's no foul play here, fellas.
And that blood probably came when he was moving the hog's head from the counter
to the refrigerator.
Oh, from the actual hog, you think?
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
So, you know, again...
Damn, that's when you're on your last limb for a snack, man.
Talk about...
You know?
Yeah.
That's crazy, bro.
When you're baking cracklings, bro, you're going to have high cholesterol at a
minimum.
But, you know, again, the bloodstains triggered the law enforcement to call,
and the fridge told
me the story.
Yeah.
As well as the way the guy lived.
He smoked cigarettes.
He had, you know, alcohol everywhere.
And Papa was a Rolling Stone.
You know, that environment told me, you know, what was going on with him.
Right.
It gave you a lot of clues right there.
Now, say if you pull up on, like, let's go back to that water body, right?
Right.
What happens to a body when it's in water?
Because I think sometimes a lot of people fantasize.
That's one of the fantasies, I'm going to find a body.
Right.
You know, it's either in the woods by the interstate, or I'm going to walk down
by a creek
bank, and there's going to be a body right there.
I think that's some of the general fantasy of humans.
What does that body realistically look like, depending on how long it's been in?
Yeah.
So, you know, it bloats.
You get a lot of bloating in the water.
The whole body puffs up.
Normally, the tongue protrudes out.
Ooh.
You don't think about that.
The gases and the decomposure, you know, the bodies sink, and then they rise
when the gases
start to fill up the body, and that's when we find them.
A lot of times, they'll be snagged in branches on a bayou or in a river, but
that body's going
to bloat a lot.
And then, again, turtles and other animals out in the water will start pecking
at them.
So, it looks a little bit more traumatic than it is.
But if we're unsure, we can always send that body to autopsy to try to
determine exactly
what happened, and they'll take them apart.
And a lot of times, they'll cut into their heart and realize, well, this guy
had a massive
heart attack.
I see.
You know, so there was no foul play.
Or he's full of drugs, and there's no external trauma, so nobody hit him in the
back of the
head and threw him in there.
Yeah, maybe pull up a little water bloat for us.
Ooh.
Yeah, so that's, you know, you can find anything online these days.
That dude looks like a Simpsons character, huh?
He does.
Sorry to say that.
I feel bad as a human being.
Oh, my gosh.
So, we go from looking pretty healthy to not healthy pretty quickly.
I mean, that's unbelievable.
Yeah, and, you know, especially in Louisiana, it's so hot and so humid, and you'd
just be
amazed at people that live with no electricity.
Oh, bro, if you leave a baby in the yard for 30 minutes, bro, it'll have algae
on one side.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, it, you know, it's, um...
It's just like that nature really reigns supreme down there.
It really does.
And then some people are just really hardcore on drugs.
You know, we had a house one time that, in the kitchen, there was a piece of
plywood,
when the officer slid the plywood back, that's where they were using the
restroom.
They were shitting in a hole in the kitchen, and then they would cover it up
with a piece
of wood.
I mean, that's pretty hardcore in your home.
But you'll see that...
It's pretty Vietnamese, too, really.
You'll see that, you know, with people that just abuse drugs to the point of,
you know,
they're living in condemned homes or...
But I got called one time, and the guy was still alive.
They were doing CPR, and he had a heartbeat.
So, I walked...
As I'm walking up to the house, I see the families.
I see their posture change, like, you know, oh, shit, the coroner's here.
It's not good.
And, you know, so I walk in, and the paramedic says, we got a heart rate.
And I'm like, he's not dead yet?
Who called me?
So, I immediately walk out, and I wave at the family.
And that guy's still alive today.
And you can imagine them saying, you were so sick.
Wow.
The coroner came.
You know, those are, you know, we see crazy things.
One lady was told to put jelly.
She had a really bad infection.
She was putting jelly between her legs.
Okay.
Somebody said, put some jelly on it.
Well, she was rubbing...
Like what you mean, like smuckers or something?
Well, that's what she was using.
Normally, it would be more of a KY jelly or something for that.
And her legs were purple.
And I was like, what's going on here?
And her neighbor said, you know, well, she was putting jelly on it.
And it's like, wait, what?
You were using smuckers?
That's the wrong kind of jelly.
But, you know, we've seen wedding rings around penises.
It's like, man, how'd you even get that on there?
Yeah.
Wow.
That must have been...
That's a big promise.
Yeah.
Yeah, huge.
You know, we see bizarre things like that that people do.
Autoerotic deaths are actually very dangerous.
We actually get not a lot, but enough of them.
And that's where people are pleasuring themselves and also hang themselves?
Yeah.
They're starving their body of oxygen.
Okay.
I mean, doing that, you need a spotter because it's so common for people to die
when they're
doing that.
Well, shit, if you got a spotter, you don't even need to do it usually.
Well, it depends.
But, yeah, I guess, yeah, people's into different stuff and people are artistic.
People, you know, bad things can happen in that regard.
Just bizarre, bizarre things.
Now, back to the, we were talking about animals.
I had a call from police and they weren't sure, they didn't see a gun, but it
appeared
that someone had, there was foul play based on the face of the decedent.
Okay.
And that was just rodents, you know, that had gotten into the home.
Yeah.
So, it looked, you know, suspicious of a homicide, you know, so.
But enough rats get in there.
That's right.
So, we can get out there and say, no, no, this is, you know, we'll still send
an autopsy
to be sure in some cases, but.
Don't make a cheese out of anything, huh?
That's right.
That post-mortadella.
That's right.
That's right.
Other crazy cases are anal insertions.
It's like what people.
And what are people doing it for?
For pleasure.
Oh, okay.
You know, we would see that a lot in the Eeyore, but I had a case where the guy
obviously didn't
want to go to the Eeyore.
And so, he'd had a hammer and was using the backside of a hammer.
To put in his buttocks?
Right, right.
And that can perforate your colon and then you get really septic.
So, you know, things like that.
Damn.
That's crazy.
You know, another interesting case would be huffing, where people use keyboard
cleaner
to get high.
And those deaths occur in parking lots of stores.
Most frequently, you're going to find a huffer in the parking lot at Walmart.
Oh, because they get out and get right into that can.
And so, I had one guy, actually a veteran, and that's how he would stop his
nightmares.
It was the only thing that worked.
And so, law enforcement's on scene and they're like, we can't find any drugs,
but there's
air cans everywhere, you know, and that's dangerous.
The worst is when you think you're doing, like, huffing, like, one of those
things and
you actually get one of those horns.
Yeah, I can imagine.
That's a wake-up call, huh?
Oh, yeah, dude.
That's the Lord trying to say, hey, look, Bubba.
Yeah, time to stop.
Yeah, I'm going to rescue you real quick, Daddy, you know?
That's the worst, man.
You ever found somebody hiding somewhere real neat?
Like, or somebody died during hide-and-go-seek or something?
Yeah, well, you know, there was a guy under a house once, you know, and, you
know, no clothes
on.
I wouldn't like that part.
Yeah, naked under a house, eating popsicles.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, that, you know, that's different.
Yeah, that's a different way to do it.
PCP, you know?
Oh, yeah.
Makes you a bit crazy.
But, you know, truck drivers, we get truck driver deaths a lot.
They're from out of state.
Why?
Why do you get truck driver deaths a lot?
Well, not a lot, but we get them.
We have truck stops, and a lot of times they'll pull over, and look, truck
drivers aren't
healthy.
I mean, they're big guys because they drive all day long.
Yeah.
And, you know, sometimes I'll get called out, and I'll be in somebody's truck.
I've never been in a truck driver's truck before until I started doing this,
and I'm looking
at how they live, and, you know, they notify their parents by, their family by
phone.
And so, you know, maybe the wife's flying in to get his personal belongings,
and the truck's
full of condoms.
And it's like, oh, man, I don't want this wife coming into his truck.
So, you know, hey, can we throw this stuff out?
You know, before the wife gets there, yeah, give him a little, you know, I don't
want
the family's last thoughts to, you know.
So, there are different cases and different positions that we're in, for sure.
It's just, it's an interesting job, and, you know, I'm very sympathetic and
compassionate
when I'm, you know, we all get faster as we work.
We get faster at things we do.
You know, we learn how to do them faster.
And every once in a while, I have to stop and remind myself to slow down and to
make
eye contact with that family and to be really compassionate, you know.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's the nature of everything, I think.
Once you get in the flow of something too much, you know.
Yeah, you do it too fast.
Yeah.
And you don't stop to, you know, maybe spend that extra time with them to reassure
them
that, you know, that their family's taken care of.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.

A Coroner Recounts The Most Bizarre Deaths He's Investigated

So when does someone call a coroner, and what is a coroner, death investigator?
I'm going to call it a coroner for the episode.
That's fine.
Okay.
What is a coroner?
So a coroner is an elected position, but what we do is we go out when someone
dies,
or we're called every time someone dies that lives within our parish.
Okay, or county.
Or county.
In Louisiana, it's parishes.
So we're called if it's a natural case, or if it's a homicide, suicide, any of
the manners
of death, any time it's an accident, or just your general natural death, it
comes to us.
Okay.
We have to pick up the phone and decide, you know, is this natural causes, or
is there foul
play?
We work closely with police.
Okay.
So the police give you a call.
That's right.
Yeah.
So take me through like an interesting call that's coming in, you know,
especially down
there in Louisiana.
Dang.
Yeah.
You know, I knew people that could, you know, they couldn't.
They couldn't learn the alphabet, and they took their own life, bro.
That's right.
We see a lot of that.
You know, there's a lot of preventable deaths that we can talk about.
But, you know, a typical call in Louisiana is anything from heart disease,
suicide, OD.
But to be more specific, we've had many that they find a body floating in the
bayou.
And that can be different, you know, because they've been exposed to water.
So, you know, they may be bloated more.
Some of the surface evidence or the trace evidence that we use is not there
because they've been
floating.
You can see where turtles and other animals in the water have nipped at them.
Oh, yeah.
So it can be somewhat gruesome and then hard to tell, you know, why are they in
this water?
You know, they're dressed in regular street clothes.
They weren't, you know, they weren't swimming, they weren't fishing, and they're
in the water.
Sometimes people OD, and their friends have no clue what to do with them, so
they throw
them into the bayou.
Yeah.
Sometimes these guys are just, you know, hanging out, and they slip and fall
and hit their head
or they pass out.
You know, we don't always know what got them to the bayou.
Now, how do those bodies look if you roll up on a body?
Because I've always wanted to find a deceased body.
I think a lot of people have.
That's a bucket list of mine.
I see them every day, but I've never rolled up on one.
Yeah, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
That is.
Why is that a bucket list thing for people?
I don't know, but it happens often.
I had a guy cutting the grass at a rent house and found a body.
God.
And did he get any intel, or he just got lucky?
No, he just got lucky.
He was cutting grass, and boom, he found that body.
A lot of times, if you work and stay focused and you keep working towards, I
mean, you know,
it's better than some lazy dude who's doing nothing finding a body.
Right.
At least that guy's out there doing something.
Well, when that lazy person finds a body, you got a question.
How'd you find this body, you know?
We had one recently that was just a driver was passing by, and there was a lady
in the
ditch.
Now, what was interesting was her arms were removed.
She was a Mexican female.
Damn, that's interesting.
So, they removed her arms because of her tattoos.
So, this was a...
Oh, the killer did.
This was a hit job.
Correct.
And they didn't want her identified, you know?
So, they see this in a ditch, and they call us, and then we got to figure out,
well, where's
the arms, you know?
So, there's interesting cases like that where people just, you know, they right
time, right
place, and they find bodies.
And so, did you roll up on that scene with no arms?
Yes.
Yes.
So, when you get there, what's going on?
Like, are people milling around?
Is somebody...
You know, like, what's the scene like when you roll up on it?
Well, in that regard, there's no families present.
You know, it's different than most.
You know, it's a lot of sheriffs standing around, looking at the dead body.
Now, we have jurisdiction on that body, and legally, they're not supposed to
touch that
body until we get there.
Okay.
So, of course, I would get there, look at the scene, you know, to try to find
out, does
she have family around here?
What's she doing in this area?
She's not from here.
They'll do an investigation.
The law enforcement will do an investigation on their part, and then I'll start
looking
at the body for obvious signs of foul play.
And in this regard, she had no arms.
So, we knew something wasn't right, and it wasn't like an alligator or an
animal came
out and removed her arms.
This was intentional.
Wow.
You know, so in that case, we would get them to an autopsy facility.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I had a guy find a foot once.
It was from a fatality, but they called me, and this was, you know, weeks later.
Hey, we found a foot.
Would you come pick it up?
They don't want to touch it, even.
You know, so I throw a bag in my car, and I go grab a foot.
It's a different lifestyle, you know?
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
You know, if I get pulled over, yeah, you know, carrying anything, yeah, man, I
got a foot
in my car.
Yeah, bro.
I got a 10 and a half in the trunk.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Dude, that's wild, man.
Yeah, that's interesting.
And you put that foot in the trunk.
You put it in the back seat.
What do you do?
Yeah, well, in that case, I figured it would be pretty gnarly, so I actually
brought a disposable
ice chest and packed it in there and then got it to the funeral home that they
brought
her body to.
She may have been sent to cremation, but either way, the funeral home would
take care of that
body part.
Okay.
And I've traveled with worse.
You know, in Louisiana, it doesn't snow often.
We had a case years ago where it was an infant death, and the autopsy place is
about an hour
and a half away from where we live or where we work in our parish.
So they had a baby that had passed away, and they asked, hey, it was snowing
really bad.
Hey, can you meet us halfway with this child?
And I'm in my personal car.
I'm like, sure.
So the baby, of course, is in a body bag.
Yeah.
So I'm driving down the highway with a baby in my car.
And how big is that body bag?
I mean, it's like a gallon or something.
Well, it's like a duffel bag for a baby.
Oh, yeah.
But, you know, again, you get pulled over, and I have an unmarked car.
I'm in street clothes or normally scrubs.
Oh, yeah.
What are you carrying?
At least you're not in a Miata or something.
Yeah, yeah.
That'd be the worst, bro.
You get pulled over in a Miata, and you got a baby in a duffel bag, bro.
I kind of went over the speed limit just to kind of maybe, man, if I could only
get pulled
over here, you know, it would be an interesting case.
Oh, that'd be fascinating.
But, you know, it's sad when we lose babies like that.
But the fact of the matter is the baby needed to go to autopsy.
And we'll do anything we can to assist in that regard.
And if it meant driving through the snow 30, 45 minutes, you know, we'll do
that.
Yeah.
That's some of the things that we do to help.
So I was called to one case where the deputies said, this one's, this case is
unusual.
We'd like you to come out.
And so then I go out, and they had noticed some blood dripping on the floor, on
the floor,
bloodstains.
Out of the body?
No, just on the floor.
Okay.
That's all they'd noticed.
Right.
They saw that.
And then the body was an adult male on a couch.
Okay.
So I walk into the house, and, I mean, we're reading everything the minute we
get on scene.
Even, you know, what friends and family are there, how do they look, who's
their neighbors,
what area they live in.
So I walk into the house, and this was kind of in the country.
And the first thing I see is he had Mickey's Malt Liquor memorabilia everywhere.
So I said, okay, okay, I like this guy's style.
You know, he's a middle-aged guy.
Yeah, he's a Kappa Sig, probably.
Yeah.
So I'm looking at that, and then I asked the detectives to show me where the
bloodstains
are.
Well, I go, and I look, and there were some cobwebs over the door, so I could
tell that
that home hadn't, that area of the house hadn't been used, just from the cobwebs
and stuff.
Okay.
But when I opened the fridge, there was an intact hog's head in the fridge with
fur on it.
Ooh.
I mean, that's odd, you know.
And so then I look in the oven, and the guy's making cracklings in an oven.
Now, if you've ever made cracklings, you know, you're stirring those in grease.
When you're baking cracklings on a Tuesday night, and you save the hog's head
to make hog's
head cheese later, you're going to definitely have heart disease.
You know, there's no foul play here, fellas.
And that blood probably came when he was moving the hog's head from the counter
to the refrigerator.
Oh, from the actual hog, you think?
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
So, you know, again...
Damn, that's when you're on your last limb for a snack, man.
Talk about...
You know?
Yeah.
That's crazy, bro.
When you're baking cracklings, bro, you're going to have high cholesterol at a
minimum.
But, you know, again, the bloodstains triggered the law enforcement to call,
and the fridge told
me the story.
Yeah.
As well as the way the guy lived.
He smoked cigarettes.
He had, you know, alcohol everywhere.
And Papa was a Rolling Stone.
You know, that environment told me, you know, what was going on with him.
Right.
It gave you a lot of clues right there.
Now, say if you pull up on, like, let's go back to that water body, right?
Right.
What happens to a body when it's in water?
Because I think sometimes a lot of people fantasize.
That's one of the fantasies, I'm going to find a body.
Right.
You know, it's either in the woods by the interstate, or I'm going to walk down
by a creek
bank, and there's going to be a body right there.
I think that's some of the general fantasy of humans.
What does that body realistically look like, depending on how long it's been in?
Yeah.
So, you know, it bloats.
You get a lot of bloating in the water.
The whole body puffs up.
Normally, the tongue protrudes out.
Ooh.
You don't think about that.
The gases and the decomposure, you know, the bodies sink, and then they rise
when the gases
start to fill up the body, and that's when we find them.
A lot of times, they'll be snagged in branches on a bayou or in a river, but
that body's going
to bloat a lot.
And then, again, turtles and other animals out in the water will start pecking
at them.
So, it looks a little bit more traumatic than it is.
But if we're unsure, we can always send that body to autopsy to try to
determine exactly
what happened, and they'll take them apart.
And a lot of times, they'll cut into their heart and realize, well, this guy
had a massive
heart attack.
I see.
You know, so there was no foul play.
Or he's full of drugs, and there's no external trauma, so nobody hit him in the
back of the
head and threw him in there.
Yeah, maybe pull up a little water bloat for us.
Ooh.
Yeah, so that's, you know, you can find anything online these days.
That dude looks like a Simpsons character, huh?
He does.
Sorry to say that.
I feel bad as a human being.
Oh, my gosh.
So, we go from looking pretty healthy to not healthy pretty quickly.
I mean, that's unbelievable.
Yeah, and, you know, especially in Louisiana, it's so hot and so humid, and you'd
just be
amazed at people that live with no electricity.
Oh, bro, if you leave a baby in the yard for 30 minutes, bro, it'll have algae
on one side.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, it, you know, it's, um...
It's just like that nature really reigns supreme down there.
It really does.
And then some people are just really hardcore on drugs.
You know, we had a house one time that, in the kitchen, there was a piece of
plywood,
when the officer slid the plywood back, that's where they were using the
restroom.
They were shitting in a hole in the kitchen, and then they would cover it up
with a piece
of wood.
I mean, that's pretty hardcore in your home.
But you'll see that...
It's pretty Vietnamese, too, really.
You'll see that, you know, with people that just ab