Name: Theo and Tucker Carlson Ponder Where To Go When the World Collapses
Uploaded: 2023-11-13T22:48:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo and Tucker Carlson Ponder Where To Go When the World Collapses' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo and Tucker Carlson Ponder Where To Go When the World Collapses' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-13. Transcript available.

When there's a revolution, what city should we meet up in?
Well, if there is a revolution, and I pray there isn't because they never end
well, but if there is...
But it'd be fucking fun, huh?
If like the first 20 minutes when you actually storm the Bastille and free the
prisoners or whatever,
hang your homemade flag from the roof of the Capitol or whatever, like you...
Burn the news networks is the first thing you would have to do.
So that'd be the fun part of the revolution.
I think that'd be, that'd be definitely be the fun part.
But then it gets, then you have like show trials and famines, and you have like
all the downsides.
But whatever, I'm not in church.
So if that happens, I will be so deep in the woods, surrounded by my dogs, and
I'll say it, firearms.
Probably not going to hear it from me.
Look, let's just pretend one of your dogs is named Firearms.
I actually have a dog called Firearms.
Yeah.
I have AK and 47.
Yeah, dude.
I got a bow.
I got arrow.
I got whatever, you know, I got all my weapons in the woods with me.
But yeah, and you can even just text me and just let me know where you're going
to be.
But I think about that.
You know what's wild is I think about that sometimes.
But you're going to be in L.A.
No, I won't be.
I live in Nashville.
Oh, you don't live in L.A.
No, I live in a place where if somebody is being weird, you can shoot them.
Okay, because if you're in L.A., you just get eaten.
Yeah.
Oh, well, here's a move you would do in L.A.
You would get in a boat and go off the shore.
That would be the first move.
And let the other.
Having grown up on the Pacific, let me just say it's a little bigger than the
Chunkafunky River,
wherever you're from.
Okay.
It's a super big ocean.
Yeah, and also fuck Ben and Jerry's while we're at it.
I was going to say that.
But go on.
They're Marxists.
Is it called Chunky Monkey?
What's the name of your river?
Uh, Chofuncta.
But I love that, dude.
That's the greatest name ever.
But the Pacific goes on forever, and then you make it to Hawaii, like six days
later in
your Boston Whaler.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, right.
Well, if you've been lost at sea for six days, you deserve to show up in Hawaii,
I think.
It's easy to miss Hawaii, though, in the middle of the Pacific.
Oh, fuck.
You could.
Yeah, that's a long way to Thailand.
Did you imagine they kick you up?
They're like, you fuck, you were just close to Hawaii.
Like, what the fuck?
I let my wife drop.
No, the Pacific is not a good escape plan at all.
No, because south you have, you know, Baja, Sonata.
Right.
Right?
That's going to be a little chaotic.
It always is.
Yeah.
From Los Angeles to what?
The Arctic Circle.
I mean, that's just like nothing.
It's like Alaska.
Like, there's kind of nowhere to go.
Yeah.
But, you know, you get in the woods.
Deep in there.
Yeah, you got a shot.
You got a shot.
And Radley up in there with a couple of pups.
A hundred percent.
You go full Boo Radley.
Oh, definitely.
Live in the hollow of a tree.
Yeah.
That's it.
I love that.
Me too, man.
It sounds exciting.
But I think people start to think that way.
And that's a sad, it's interesting because the thought just comes in my head
sometimes.
I've thought about asking people I know.
I've thought about asking Joe Rogan, where do we meet up if shit gets weird?
And I never used to think that shit.
I don't think Joe's going to leave his house, right?
He might not, but I think everybody's got a little bit of a place.
You know, I think some people are thinking maybe could be, I think you want to
do mountainous.
So I think you go Salt Lake or Denver.
You know, Broncos suck.
But so I don't know if I'd go there.
Utah at least doesn't have a team.
I don't know, but you start to think about that.
You want to get up to sea level.
You know, you don't want nature beating you.
So you don't want to drown out.
You don't want to be in fucking Johnstown or something or whatever that place
is.
Johnstown or Jonestown.
Or Jonestown.
Both of them flooded off.
Both of them bad, bad, bad.
Purple Kool-Aid, overflowing rivers.
You don't want to go anywhere, I think is the truth.
You don't want to go anywhere.
You don't want to.
You don't want to travel.
If things go sideways, I don't think you want to be on the road.
That's a good point.
The two times I've been in places for brief periods where, you know, there
really was no authority.
What did that feel like and where was it?
One was at Katrina, right after the storm in New Orleans.
Wow, you were down there, huh, bro?
I was.
And the other was in Baghdad in December of 2003 when it kind of like started
to get, I felt, out of hand.
And which one was more hectic, you think?
Oh, Baghdad.
But for the United States, I really, no one ever says this.
I really feel like Katrina was like, was almost unbelievable how chaotic it was.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, for real?
I mean, yeah, I could bore you, but.
Oh, I've been at a game when the Saints are fucking losing to the Falcons and
it gets fucking hectic enough.
There is no one there to call, like period.
And then people start behaving in ways that are ridiculous.
And I saw that with my own eyes and dead people and people getting shot.
Like I saw it, not guessing.
And I was just like, this cannot be America.
Like I always thought if something bad happened, there would be like, you just
like call some special number and like dad comes and restores order.
No, no at all.
The police were looting.
I saw it.
Yeah.
The police were looting during Katrina.
So, so that's anyway, whatever.
My point is, I don't think you want to travel too much if you can help it.
Yeah.
You know, it's better to be in a place where you're just like, this is my place
and I'm defending it with these firearms.
But the sec, until things calm down, you know, until like electricity is
restored after the MP attack or whatever.
Yeah.
Because that's what's going to happen.
You'll be, there'll be a nuclear attack?
No, there's going to be, you know, it's pretty easy to take down a society that's
digital.
Oh yeah.
Once you unplug that and then when there's, but that's a crazy feeling when you're
like, okay.
Because your first thought is, let me call somebody.
Nope.
Your phone isn't going to work.
No calling, no oil through the pipelines, no food delivery.
God's going to have the busiest afternoon.
No airlines, no one on the roads, dams fail.
Like it all, you know, if you've, if you've put everything online, which,
because the people who run our country are so stupid, they've actually done
that.
You are so vulnerable that it's unbelievable.
And you're using Chinese servers and switchers.
And like, at that point, you have no control.
You don't need to drop a nuke on anybody.
Yeah.
Yeah.
First of all, if anybody's doing any of that shit, do not nuke.
You don't need to, you don't need to.
Let us at least enjoy the mystery of it for a little while too.
But people are so, that doesn't mean just no DoorDash.
That means no anything.
And people, one thing I've noticed in both the places I've been working.
No Stacey Dash either, huh?
That bitch, you know?
No, no Stacey Dash.
Sorry, that was dumb.
You can't call any of your call girls from the interstate.
Oh, thank God, dude.
What if they start showing up and you're like.
They will.
They'll be seeking refuge at your place.
Remember me?
You tipped me for no service.
Seeking refuge reinments.
That was a tough play on words.
That was a good one, though.
Thank you, dude.
But I think, yeah.
But you wouldn't be able to use money anywhere.
No.
That's going to become a value.
Like, it's just, it's weird we're having this conversation, but even as me
listening to you talk,
I am, my brain, I think, is recording this because it feels like it could be
plausible.
All you need is a couple of cops to be like, you know what?
Fuck these people as well.
I'm not going to fucking quit.
I'm not going to quit blockading or attacking these people who I know are
really struggling
when I'm going home tonight and being one of them.
A hundred percent.
And by the way, my kids, my kids are at home.
And there's now, this happened in New Orleans during Katrina.
It's cops, and I give them all the benefit of the doubt, you know, some of them.
You do have some criminal cops down there, but you also have good guys, too,
you know?
And the good guys are like, I'm sorry, I got a wife and kids at home.
Like, I'm not.
And people are going nuts.
The thing that I noticed was it took, like, zero time from when authority
disappeared
for people to get super afraid for the predators to come out and start preying
on people
and for everything just to fall apart.
Everything.
Yeah.
And if you unplug this country, and by the way, once you decide you're going to
go to war with
Iran, as we've apparently the morons who run our country have decided, that is,
I mean,
a very likely outcome that they're going to do something like that.
Really?
Absolutely.
Everyone's like, oh, they could send an ICBM or whatever.
Why would they bother to throw a missile at the United States across the ocean
when they
could unplug the country?
And then you have real casualties, mass casualties, and mass chaos.
Like, true, true chaos.
Oh, yeah.
People are not prepared for this.
They haven't thought it through.
Our leaders have not prepared them for it at all.
It's like, oh, it's on your iPhone.
You don't have an iPhone.
And there's no electricity.
And there's no water.
And there's no way to get anywhere.
Yeah.
Come on, dude.
And that could happen.
That's not science fiction.
Like, that could happen soon.
And we're not ready for it.
And as you said, it's not a cohesive country.
People are not like, oh, I'm going to help my neighbors.
You don't know who your neighbors are.
They may not speak the same language.
Well, you're certainly not going to also help your government.
So that's going to be the weird thing.
Right.
When the government's like, people do this, a lot of people are going to be
like, fuck you.
I don't trust you.
Totally.
And people have not seen chaos.
They don't know what chaos looks like.
Yeah, we don't.
Like, when people imagine war, they imagine, you know, two lines against each
other,
lobbing artillery shells or rifle fire at each other.
There's a certain order to that.
And people can handle it.
You know, it's dangerous, but I can handle it.
It makes sense to me.
It's orderly.
It's geometric.
Chaos is completely different from that.
Chaos is like you have no freaking idea what's happening, who's on your side,
who's not, who's a threat, who isn't, where things are going.
People are not designed for that.
People can't handle chaos, and they go crazy.
And I've only, as I said, had a taste of this a couple of times, but enough to
learn.
Chaos is the one thing you have to avoid, because that's when people become
animals
and really start behaving in ways that are inconceivable to civilized people.
Oh, we're going to turn into middle monkeys real fast, or we're going to-
Like in minutes.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, bro.
Dude, I was at a Dave & Buster's one time, right?
I'm not even joking.
Fucking power goes out, dude.
Did you eat anyone?
Bro, it was whack-a everyone in that bitch, dude.
People were beating the-
It was complete darkness.
Right.
And people-
Yeah, you're fucking feeling around for whatever, you know, birthday cake or
whatever.
You know, like, you don't even know what's going on.
Yeah.
But that was crazy at the Dave & Buster's.
I know.
You know?
Yeah.
Thank you.