Name: Tim Dillon Thinks DoorDashers are the "Untouchables"
Uploaded: 2024-02-01T17:37:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Thinks DoorDashers are the "Untouchables"' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Thinks DoorDashers are the "Untouchables"' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-01. Transcript available.

because god only knows i'll tell you this man those doordash people see some
shit oh god dude
first of all lest we forget the people that have had to go to people's homes
brother
they have to go into the trenches well sometimes they get killed sometimes
people kill them
sometimes you have a burrito in your car and you're driving it to someone's
house and that is
going to be the last thing you do on this earth the last thing you do is walk
of soggy burrito
to a guy's house and instead of just taking the burrito and saying thank you
he goes i'm going to kill you now yeah he said and he then they kill you they
say welcome to memphis
and the crazy thing is a lot of the people inside who know they're going to
kill you yeah
as you're walking up murderers have gotten so advanced with like ambiance and
production yes
that they will even play yeah there goes my hero right from like a yard plant
yeah speakers hidden
in yard plants as you're about to go and then you're and you're laying there
and you're bleeding out
and and you the one of the last thoughts you have is this song is great this is
a great song yeah and
i'm sad i won't be able to hear it anymore it's the last thing i'm hearing and
then you see that burrito
as you're bleeding out you just look at it just that burrito yeah and a tough
gig a hand just comes
in a frame and grabs it yeah it's a tough gig people don't want to talk about
the real turf war that's
going on today yeah and that is between door dashers and the homeless yes well
because if you're homeless
if i see a door dasher i see i'm seeing an opportunity that's all it is that's
all it is if
i by the way door dashers now are are they don't let it be known they're a door
dasher they are
stealth like food delivery people are stealth they'll dress up like post postal
workers yeah vampires i've
seen a vampire yeah you don't even know who they are they're in a costume they're
in a truck i see
somebody just wandering like sometimes they have their friend with them as a
lookout have you seen that
there's a little bit be a guy in the front seat of the car and then his chick
will be just kind
of looking out just making sure like nobody comes and kills him how crazy that
door dashers yeah it's
crazy yeah i mean and they are also carrying messages here's the thing i don't
feel bad for
any of them yeah because i don't know anyone who does it and i do believe
anybody who's doing door dash
has is is like you know in india they have a cast of people called the untouchables
do they really
yes you just can't with them you can't go near them you see them and you look
away that is kind of
and this to no no don't take offense to this but it is when i encounter a food
delivery person in the
wild i i don't i look away no i will look away tim you don't feel like you're
one of them a food
delivery person no yeah i just there's so many other jobs i just feel like if
you're delivering
door dash i just inherently here's the thing i i i love them as a person they're
child of god yeah but
they're in so much pain are they a lot of times you can see they're in pain i
can't see really
they're just listening to scott staff usually i don't feel like they're i think
some of them are
in pain they're just it's tough it's a hard i just it's hard for me to see and
look yeah it's just hard
for me to look at well we make them the saddest part is we make them drive too
it's like well yeah
they're a victim to gas prices at least in other countries they like door dashers
will be on
motorcycles or they'll just be throwing the food to someone who's further down
the street actually
cool yeah because they're many of them are asian and they're on a tiny little
bike and it's fun
yeah and they're having a great time and they're actually seeing how fast they
like yeah seeing how
fast they can get it to you oh there's a dark web of that they are all on where
they get points in
their little oh yeah they like seeing how and many of them are risking their
life with ramen on their back
to get it to you they're risking your life so that an nyu student can eat that
ramen
piping hot you're getting it so hot but in la maybe i should qualify my
statement yeah it's only
door dashers in la of course because they're all people that want to be like
actors or screenwriters
they're lazy the food's cold you barely get it yeah that that's my issue here
it's not i don't want
to malign all the food delivered people in los angeles i've noticed a problem
sometimes they'll just steal
the food yeah now that's another thing food yeah some of them are just looking
to get a meal because
you can apply online yeah you can be working for door dash in six minutes or
less that's one of their
big things yeah in six minutes that's not a good idea yeah it's a horrible idea
it's a horrible idea
become a door dash delivery guy in six minutes yeah you can be a door dash
delivery guy in six minutes
like or in a very small amount of time i'm not sure what it is but and they
call you an independent
contractor um but yeah next thing you know you can you can have a food in 40
minutes you can be picking
up food from somewhere that you can just eat yeah i mean i've had some issues
with them have you
well i actually door dish now i think it's pretty good it's the one that i use
what i thought you just
said all this well no they are they're bad but they're all bad like postmates
they're all different
kinds of bad yeah postmates is bad uh uber uber eats i just feel like it's a
monopoly i don't want
to be involved uber eats is disgusting i don't want to be involved with people
that are double dipping
yeah i agree it's you know it's sick but to me it's like door dash even though
it's evil it's the
lesser of all the evils yeah or you could leave your house but that's
terrifying to go and like the
the process of getting oh to go into the world yeah it's crazy and to go eat
like well like david
spade still eats at mcdonald's you know he's basically he's like the ulysses s
grant of our
time i feel like like he goes yes he's on the front line he is the ulysses s
grant he will go sit in
there yeah he'll battle he has an amazing story about battling a homeless guy
for a series of
nuggets that he had right well that's probably what keeps a guy like that who's
so successful
and so beloved it's what keeps him grounded yeah like once a week he goes i'll
go in this legendary
career but he's like once a week let me go and get him a griddle yeah and see
if i can make it out
you know and if he can make it out with the mcgriddle he's like all right it's
just we all need a
little friction in our life like this is for you farley yeah this is for you
and he goes in you
know it's just he's like adam sandler's on a spaceship somewhere you know like
writing movies from a space
station and david spade's like let me just go into the la cienega mcdonald's
and just see if i can
get out today with a mcflurry get into my car yeah like there was a guy last
night and i was driving on
santa monica in west hollywood at west hollywood and he was just running darting
because they dart
across like the street what's risky for them and they just dart across the
street and he had a
skateboard with no wheels he just had the board oh yeah and i didn't understand
what that was
and he just and he he had it and then he just in the middle of my car just
stopped and looked at me
like hit me wow and i was just like i don't want to i'm not trying to hit you
know there's people
looking for accidents it's people that were just like kind of like i don't know
what it was he was
like a deer in headlights it's god and i just swerve around him but it's like
people just mentally
aren't together and they need help someone needs to help them they their people
are missing their
wheels they're they don't have their wheels and someone needs to like step in
there and help and
like go like hey man what's going on but the only people that they're encountering
for any sort of
guidance are door dash it's door dash but the door but here's the thing it's
door dash people and by the
way earlier on i said you weren't human beings bygones forget that yeah that
was crazy because
i i here's what i meant by that we need you now more than ever amen because
what you need to do is
rise up you were the therapist you were the homeless people if there's somebody
that is homeless and is
having a problem on the corner you need to put the ramen down put the ramen
down and go address the
problem what's going on sir i am a door dash professional yes i'm a licensed
licensed professional
food delivery service professional can i assist now this person is going to be
yelling and pointing
at something that isn't there invisible yeah it's going to be you're going to
be pointing at something
in this dimension you cannot see so you're just going to have to let bear with
them bear with them it's
not going to happen first question you go are you on any medications right now
have you taken any drugs
yeah i said every non-threatening way 100 yeah and then you're going to need to
you will be equipped
with markers and paper you're going to need to get these people to draw a
picture of what's happening
of what's happening yeah a separate picture to calm them down yeah of their
ancestors no for sure these
these social workers aren't equipped they're not equipped anymore they don't
want to do it and they've also
given up a lot of them are just creating uh profiles social profiles a lot of
social workers are also
doing only fans so they get clients confused you'll have a therapist yeah log
on to his zoom and just
start showing their butthole yeah and it's like what is the last thing a
homeless person wants to find
out he's like can you imagine that you're homeless you got the big cape yeah
and this guy in tribeca
where i spent some time sometimes has a big cape i'm sure the government bought
it for him yeah he has like
that big furry cape oh yeah and he's like kind of bedazzling kind of like they
do those faberge eggs
he's kind of like a game of thrones guy and he's in the winter he's kind of it's
not a bad look it's
kind of like a statue but then like you know he's always kind of rapping to
himself he's always got
his headphones he's kind of doing that it's back and forth yeah exactly and
then his social worker
comes over is like hey what's going on and then if he's like aren't you and he
points to her photo
on only fans immediately she has no credibility aren't you chatty pussy 30.
right you have no
credibility i'm watching you right now yeah i'm watching you right now finger
yourself so you and
then you come to me and you ask me what's wrong i could ask you the same
question what is wrong so
that's where it's going to be it's going to be homeless only fans social
workers chatting with door dash
door dash professional professional door dash clinical door dash psychiatric
professionals
and then we need highly trained sbgs yep gorilla gorilla so that they know when
it is and isn't
appropriate to step in and calm a homeless person down by sitting on them
outside of a five guys
and that is our that's not a bad idea that's our campaign brother not a
horrible idea
that's our campaign and that's what we're going to do today and that's what we're
going to do
and that's what we're going to do and that's what we're going to do
and that's what we're going to do and that's what we're going to do
and that's what we're going to do and that's what we're going to do
and that's what we're going to do and that's what we're going to do
and that's what we're going to do and that's what we're going to do
and that's what we're going to do