Name: Theo Von Shares His Young Love Stories
Uploaded: 2024-02-14T20:28:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Shares His Young Love Stories' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Shares His Young Love Stories' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-14. Transcript available.

happy valentines to you and that's what's going on this love baby you know
you could hear uh cupid drawing that bow back
and you don't know where he is he could be on a rooftop
he could be in a backyard you'll be walking along and then
what's that and next thing you see baby you're gonna wanna you're gonna wanna
hump baby you know
what i'm talking about you're gonna wanna hump it or do something with it or
just rub up against it
god show me something god but that's who cupid is baby cupid out there he with
that
he got that thing on him he got that draco that love bow on him
you get hit he's the damn chris kyle of love just just
and i look he look i think they should put a a a cupid on every building in the
town
and let him just start popping off and just light the world up with love baby
and that's what i would
like to see because sometimes look man you don't you know he'll hit you and
next thing you know you
out there you touching on the milk man you know he you get hit by cupid's arrow
and next thing you know
you out there you trying to lip lock on the damn uh at&t service provider you
you know you trying to
slurp face on some on some dude with a couple of damn uh cables in his truck if
you get lit you get lit
and that's the thing to be lit up with love that's the thing i want to just i
want to be love all the
time not even to be in love with somebody but just to just feel that energy
that's what i want to feel
you know and sometimes you get hit by cupid's arrow when you next thing you see
the damn mailman or
something and you trying to you know you trying to flex on him you trying to
reach in his bag and
sniff all of his perfume samples or whatever you trying to nose up that bag
baby trying to think of the
first time i was in love i remember seeing this girl i was at like a i don't
know where i was i was
travel i was on a little vacation with my buddy and he lives across the street
and he would like
he kind of i think was supposed to be twins but they never formed or whatever
because
he would say something he would be like how how are you today and then under
his breath he'd be like
yeah how are you today
and you'd be like huh almost as if there was it was like hey what do you feel
like doing and then
he'd be like yeah what do you feel like doing yeah and it was almost like there
was like a twin
inside of him that never developed but was still like down in there like
yelling out of him
um but they what took me one time camping or something or just drove me off
into the woods to
like look at a look at something or something for a few hours and there was uh
there was a girl by this
by this river by this stream and she was getting some water out of the stream
or something
like crouched down getting some water and it had like a very kind of native
american kind of vibe to
it i think i think maybe she had a ponytail in or something and i just remember
seeing her and i
remember being like oh my god what is going on i just like my whole like chest
and throat and like the
whole front of me felt like a mat like a magnet started up in it like a
magnetic field started up into it
and it like made me think oh my god what a i wanna i wanna just stand close to
her but also be a far
from her it was kind of just like a magnet we take two magnets that are the
same you know when you put
and they don't they kind of push it but it was this it was that same energy
kind of it was like
i don't know it was the first time that this force field ever occurred inside
of me
and um yeah and that was a time that i had first felt some love i remember and
then what else oh i had a
a lady that drove us to um oh she drove us to summer camp and she was like a
babysitter or something i
don't remember her name i wish i did god i just wish i knew even just four or
three of the letters of
her name so i could just lay on my back and just fucking think about her but i
was i think maybe 10 or
nine yeah she drove and i felt so cool i just it was the first time i'd ever
ridden somewhere with a
woman or with a girl so i think it really stood out in my head you know and we
got in the car and i
remember closing the door and be like oh my god it's just me and her in this
car
and i just wanted to take my own eyes out of my face and just hide them into my
butt man i just
i was just having it was just that's you know that was that was it and um yeah
i was just that nervous
or whatever that i just yeah i wanted to take both of my eyes literally take my
eyes out of my face and
put them into my butt or put them into like a little bag or something because
seeing the just the the
the fact that i could that i was taking in that she and i were in the same
place and we were close and
she was going to start driving once she started driving i'm like we're going
somewhere what could
happen are we married you know like it was just so much energy oh and before we
took off she reached
over and put my seat belt on and my god i mean whatever eyeballs i had in my
butt just came right
out at that moment they just i mean my eyes were just falling out of my ass i
just uh yeah it was just
god i was just because just the fact she reached over and put it and clicked it
in and um because she
had to lean over and i think she had a necklace on it was just like the first
woman i'd been like that
close around and so uh and she drove us and she drove us to summer camp she
drove she was the counselor
and she drove us over there i think my mom had set it up because my mom was
going to work and so
she set it up where one of the counselors picked us up and god i just remember
thinking i hope that god
lets us get married or whatever and then um she played bon jovi in the car
let's sing a song for the broken hearted
god dude and i'd never heard a song i'd never listened like a woman play a song
like that and
yeah so those are some early times that i felt love and lust and then i
remember we got invited to a
trailer one time and somebody some girl just let me feel on the outside of her
pants for probably
70 minutes we were waiting for pizza and uh the pizza guy got into a car
accident i guess
and
the pizza was supposed to come sooner and i think but it didn't and so she just
kept letting me feel on her
pants i mean i i just knew everything about those pants at some point and you
know and i hate to i think that pizza guy
was like in a really bad accident he may have ended up in heaven even but i
want to say thank you to him
thank you to him and uh yeah because i definitely remember those
those jeans those baby girl jeans she had on damn let me think about my first
kiss
part of sometimes i can't remember when like there was a couple little kisses i
remember
well one girl lady at summer camp too also let all the boys look down her shirt
and god i just
fucking i remember saying i didn't see anything and they and and they let me
look one more time i guess
or whatever but because i think i looked the first time and i was so just
overwrought with the possibility of seeing some girl's chest that i literally
couldn't
fucking see you know who are those people that can't see in the bible riley
um
we'll just look it up okay yeah all right um yeah i just remembered that and we
were
fucking looking and by the end her shirt collar was damn it was a that thing
had we put 20 inches on
her on her shirt collar i mean it was everybody just trying to look at them and
they just i can't
remember if they were huge or even non-existent she could have been a man in a
wig um we were just
so and that was i think at like 12 maybe when you were just starting to fucking
you're so horned out
you're so horned out those were some of those early times of love and
yeah it's just anyway sorry to go down that memory road but i just god i just