Name: Matt McCusker Opens Up About His Former Life of Crime
Uploaded: 2024-05-22T14:30:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Matt McCusker Opens Up About His Former Life of Crime' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Matt McCusker Opens Up About His Former Life of Crime' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-22. Transcript available.

I used to work in the mall.
It's like a, for real, it's like a, it's like a subculture.
If you're a mall employee, you talk to the other mall employees and you guys
like trade
discounts with each other.
I worked at a candy stand in the mall for like three months.
I worked, I, dude, I was totally, when I was younger, I was completely anti-business.
I would work retail and I would steal.
Unfortunately, I would never do that now, but I used to steal badly from, if I
liked
the person, I wouldn't steal.
If they were mean, I'd be like, all right, then we'll see about this.
And I could figure every place has like a giant loophole on the cash register.
Like if you, there'd be like a thing where it's like free baby cone.
If like a baby comes up, give them a free cone.
But if anything rang up to exactly like $20 or 25, where you didn't have to
make change,
you can just hit free baby cone.
And then when you go to go to the register, just crumple it all up and like
stuff it in
your shoe.
It was bad.
It was, yeah, it was very bad.
I feel bad about that.
Have you ever gone and made peace with those people or seek them out?
No, because they were my enemies.
They were like, for real, were my enemies.
So, oh yeah.
What kind of place was it?
One ice cream shop, Brewster's.
God, it's not like these are fucking good people.
Well, the manager, they were great.
They were fine.
The candy place, they were for real dickheads.
They came, they only wanted high school girls working there.
And then there was a manager who did a bunch of, the place was called like Scoop
Nuts,
which is kind of funny.
But the, there was, this lady hired me.
She had like put in sweat equity, all of this stuff.
And, and she was saying like, they were trying to like get rid of her, you know,
again,
it's all allegedly, I don't want, I don't want the Scoop Nuts franchise to
attack me.
But finally, it's all rumors.
It's all rumors.
But finally the owners came in and they were just being, like, who, who hired
you?
Why are you here?
I was like, look, I'm Matt.
Yeah, dude.
Like, I'm trying to make money.
I'm trying to make a living like everybody else, dude.
I need gas money.
And then from then on, because when I thought the lady owned it, I was straight
as an arrow.
And those two dudes came and they were like, the lady was like, they're fucking
me.
You know, this sucks.
This is bullshit.
I'm so sorry.
I was like, no problem.
I knew my time was limited.
So I cashed up big time.
Yeah.
How much did you take from him, you think?
Or allegedly take from him, if you even did it?
I mean, it would have been, at the time it seemed crazy because I would leave
with like
70 bucks a shift and be like, holy fuck.
That's a lot.
Yeah, I was crushing him.
I was, I was getting after.
I was getting after.
Because that register, you just typed up, you weighed it and typed the amount.
So I'd be like, it would weigh at a certain thing.
I was just taxing it.
Who would order 70 bucks for the nuts?
It wouldn't be, it would be like everything was five to 10 bucks, but then I
could just
be like 250.
I could just type it in the register.
Baby comb, baby comb, baby comb.
Cut the fucking weight in half too.
I feel bad.
If I ever, if they ever reached out, I'd obviously.
Just say it to them now.
You can talk right into that camera.
I got it, man.
I probably owe them like 500 bucks, which in high school is a lot.
If you're rolling with like.
That's an insane amount of money.
That's what I'm saying back then.
Now that's like almost 20, 30,000.
True.
With inflation.
I bought a house.
I bought my first house off.
You have a boat.
It says nuts scoop on the back of it.
That's the name of it.
But there, you know, they were probably fine guys.
I was just getting information.
You know, when you're 17, you don't know what the fuck's going on.
Yeah.
But you know if you should steal or not.
Yeah.
I was bad on that.
That was my fault.
For real.
That was a weakness of mine.
Theft was a weakness.
Dude.
I was, I love to steal.
What was it about stealing, man?
I would try to like, let me think of some things that I stole.
Dude.
I stole a buddy of mine's boxer shorts.
One time he had some nice ones, right?
They were from like gap or something.
Or like, I don't even know what they had.
I think they had, um, or something.
I think there was from gap or maybe they was made out of silk.
Oh, oh God.
It was nice.
That fucking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I had a pair of them.
They're nice.
And silk to even.
And yeah, it must've probably took 70,000 spiders to make these fucking boxes.
Right?
Like it was stunning.
And I stole them and then wore them to his fucking house.
And he's like, dude, those are my boxers.
And I was like, no, these aren't.
No way, dude.
I was like, you're crazy.
And then he was always like, I don't know if he was gay, but he was always
trying to take
them off of my body.
True.
That is fucked up.
He was trying to do that.
Yeah.
So that's definitely.
So you guys were just getting changed and he was like, yo, those are mine.
You're like, yo, stop looking at my dick, bro.
This is crazy.
Yeah.
He was trying to take them off me.
I'm like, even if I'm a thief, dude, that doesn't mean you should be gay.
True.
Two wrongs, I'll make it right.
Ice cream.
He started out working in.
Theft.
Theft.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was theft, ice cream, retail.
No, I started.
My family did construction.
So I did more construction growing up, but it was like, I got a couple of
retail.
I kind of did almost every, I worked in an office for a couple of months, did
retail,
did construction, uh, pizza delivery, did pizza delivery.
It was kind of cool.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
It was pretty chill.
Pizza delivery was pretty crazy, dude.
Yeah.
I was delivering pizza in a bad neighborhood too.
And that's like scary as fuck.
I had multiple, I had multiple instances where I had like same time a pie with
the cash.
It was crazy.
It was, yeah, it was not good.
I used to cook.
I was the cook too.
So I would cook.
I was there by myself.
I would cook and then I would lock the store and then go deliver a pizza and
have to like
think, all right, let me see that.
And it was crazy.
It was unbelievable.
You're basically a one man business.
Why were you working for somebody else?
It was my cousin's shop.
He started a pizza shop, dude.
And I was like, yeah, I'll do it.
And I had quit the office job.
I was at a sales job and I quit that.
I was like, dude, I can't do this anymore.
Yeah, I was doing, you know, I grew up mainly doing construction with odd jobs.
And then I went to school for psychology and then I tried to, well, I did.
I dropped my psychology major and then switched to business just because my
friends were in
business.
So I was like, I'm going to go chill with my friends.
So I switched my whole major to be in class with my friends.
Really?
Yeah.
It wasn't good.
It wasn't a good idea.
Looking back on it, I'm like, damn, I fucked up.
Because psychology is like, you got to go to school for like seven more years.
And I was like, fuck that.
Like all my friends were in business.
I'm like, I'm just going to do that.
So I was like, I'm going to go to school for business.
And I assumed if I went to school for business, I'd automatically make $100,000
a year.
Just what I told myself.
I'm like, yeah, I'll make a hundred G's for sure.
And like 2008 came, the real estate market collapsed.
But I, no, I started doing stand-up when I was like 23 in Philly.
Okay.
So I would do it.
What I would do is I'd do stand-up for like six months and I'd be like, fuck
this and stop.
Do it for like nine months.
Fuck this and stop.
And I just did that forever and ever and ever.
So, and then me and Shane started the podcast.
And I had still been doing stand-up.
Back then, I was doing stand-up a lot.
So I'd just gotten divorced.
Oh, you did.
Yeah, I made a really, when I was, when I was younger, I was like 26 or 27.
I like got engaged when I was younger.
And I was like, no more of this bullshit or funny business.
I'm going to put my best foot forward and be a husband.
And I just fucking failed, dude.
Like I couldn't do it.
I for real thought, I just thought that's what you do.
I'm like, yeah, it's time to, you know, quit fucking around.
I like try to get, I was like a personal trainer at LA Fitness.
I was like selling weed.
Like it was bad.
It was bad, dude.
Damn, dude.
It was bad.
Wow, well, you're entrepreneurial, it sounds like.
True.
Yeah, my family are all entrepreneurial.
My dad owned his own business.
All like, they all did their own thing.
So I grew up with, that was just kind of drilled into me.
Like you have to work for yourself.
Wow.
Yeah, which is cool.
That's kind of cool.
Yeah.
But they also, everyone works like, working 60 hours a week was like the norm.
My dad was always like 40 hours is part-time.
Because if you do 40-hour weeks, you're a part-timer.
Yeah.
I was like, hell yeah.
Somebody said Jesus only worked like 30 hours a week.
Who said that?
Huh?
Who said that?
Pretty, uh, bring it up.
I know a lot of people have said it.
It's kind of bullshit.
How many hours a week did Jesus work?
Look it up.
30 kind of is the perfect.
It is, dude.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.
I know a lot of people have said it.