Name: Sal Vulcano's INSANE Goldfish Story
Uploaded: 2024-05-30T17:15:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sal Vulcano's INSANE Goldfish Story' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sal Vulcano's INSANE Goldfish Story' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-30. Transcript available.

but i remember one time i was i was like maybe i'll get a pet so i used to i
don't know if you
ever had these county like these fairs or these festivals at your school yeah
yeah you ever had
those like we did they would like come like confetti eggs and stuff we would
have different
things like they would come like carny like you would open up the truck with
like a ferris wheel
and like they would come for like a few days like a mini little uh what do you
call them like not
carnival but like a you know like a fair affair yeah we just had a carny in
here actually which
was pretty cool but we yeah yeah we had fairs too oh really yeah i can't never
tell if you're joking
oh yeah we had a carny in here we had a car how did you uh we had a carney in
here actually how'd you
book one uh we just searched for him ah we searched for him we found a decent
guy but um yeah but they
had fairs too yeah we had yeah i know what you're talking about so so we had
these fairs that would
come to your school yeah they would post up in the parking lot and it was also
a way for the school to
raise money because it would also be like casino night in the at the church oh
so like the parents
would they would get you know so it was like but they had those games that i
would come home with
like a stuffed down you know whatever and uh they had this thing where you
threw up a ping pong bowl
in the goldfish and he's little just like yeah you know there was like maybe a
a grid like 20
by 20 grid of these little bowls with goldfish in them and then it was like it
was like 50 cents you
threw a ball if a ping pong ball landed in the thing they bagged up the goldfish
for you and they gave it to you
yeah they shouldn't be doing that i mean if you think people don't give goldfish
any respect at
all like they're just as good as nothing they're like ants like you know it's
it's not fair people
eat them and throw them back up like steve you know but goldfish get a really
bad they're really
born into a bad life if you think about it they don't have a memory they don't
they a lot of them
are used just to feed other fish it's almost sex trafficked almost it's really
bad sex yeah yes and
if you're a goldfish i mean i don't know man i just a goldfish is a terrible
life you get split from your
family you know you don't even know your family is you don't know who your
family you get immediately
put you either live alone for the your whole life or you get thrown in with
people you don't want to
be with yeah you know and then you usually die of an infection you know your
eye is like has a big
freaking like cotton ball on it or something like that and like and you die
slow yeah nobody knew how to
reverse a goldfish death when i was young you got it and then when it started
to die you're like oh
there's the white stuff a couple weeks now he's got a couple and then like you
just walk you'd still
feed him and you just watch him with like one flipper you'd stare at this thing
looking at you
like i am i have been dying for two weeks you know so as a matter of fact i got
it so i i would get them
and bring them home and like oh this is gonna be like i'll pass the time i have
something to take care
of now yeah my my mom never knew i never got the setup she never got me a tank
a filtration system i
didn't know you needed a filtration yeah i did not know because when you threw
the ball in the thing
there was no filtration and they just threw them in that water well you know
that water has to be
cycled and filtered wherever those are all goners and if the ping pong ball don't
hit they're dying
anyway right it's like a kill shelter basically for fish right and so i would
bring them home and i
would put them in a salad bowl i just fill up tap water throw them in a salad
bowl i'm like this is
like the italian is thinking you solve anything in response to throwing it in a
salad bowl dude
dude i just i was like this is his biggest it's eight times bigger than where
he came from
he's like the jefferson's right he's moving on up this thing i'm in a big salad
bowl right
and i would just bread it was white bread i would just put white bread in there
and i i was like
what the because i'm a kid what are you making a sandwich dude i when i when we
were a kid and we went
fishing at the lake we would we would ball up wonder bread till it became like
a like a boy a little
nugget and put it in and then put on the hook and we did it with wonder bread
so i so i would just feed
it one bread and you know it wasn't until way after that i realized like the
fish would eat like i would
break it and throw it in chunks and it would suck it right in and then shoot it
right back out you know
some of them wouldn't come back out but most of them would shoot back out yeah
and i'd be like i just
was like he's full yeah but i guess he just didn't want white bread they can
take it in yeah so i would
so i they would always die oh so i felt so bad so then i realized one day like
i was like the fish
store because it was a there was a fish store near my cousin's house that we
used to it was on the same
square block we weren't allowed to cross the street so we can go to the fish
store without crossing the
street so one day i'm in there and i'm like oh there's these bubbles like i don't
have that i gotta get
bubbles yeah so one time i went in and i brought a fish home my mom wasn't home
from work yet and i was
like i gotta i don't want this fish to die and so i took a straw yeah and i put
i i put it in the fish
bowl in the salad bowl and i blew into the salad bowl to keep the fish alive i
blew bubbles until for
three hours until she got home at six o'clock thing was dead that night i'm
blowing carbon dioxide
directly into the thing i literally was like literally poisoned the fish i'm
sitting there going
and i'm and i named him i named him harry and i remember because i named every
fish and they all
died very quickly yeah and so i was here i am three hours blowing with a straw
and i just thought the
bubbles did it so so finally when i got older i uh i my niece won a fish and
she brought it home well
maybe my little sister or my niece won a fish brought it home and was it
beautiful was it big it was
little it was a little right but i was like i'm i'm not i was like i'm not
letting this happen to this
fish i was i was like right this is going to be different i was like 20 20 i
was like probably 23 24.
right who am i if i continue to let this happen went right to the store bought
the whole setup i came
home rocks like like coral fake coral yeah castle little dmv in there i had the
treasure chest and
like a little like like a little dmv kind of thing little perk dealer yeah yeah
i i got yeah all that i
had the whole neighborhood in there right all the people in the neighborhood
but i had all the accoutrement
and i got into it you buy the rocks i don't know if you ever had a fish but
then you have to
like you roll the rocks through a strainer because the dye has to come off a
little bit
put them in there and you have i got so into this i bought medicine food i
bought all like i i would
do the water i would test it the ph put all the i would uh wow i would uh what
do you call it condition
the water oh yeah and i took this fish and i had it for six or seven years
right and the fish became
like this big and i don't know if it's a thing but i would just feed the fish i
would put my hand and the
fish would eat out of my hand that might be a one any of them do but it really
felt like we had
something like if i put my hand there he didn't jolt away right he she he would
just like go he would
like go in my hand and just like stay there oh you know and so you don't see a
lot of that you don't
see that now these days with goldfish with people like that right anyway one
day he died or whatever
and i think i honestly think he was murdered i really do i'm not making a joke
i know it sounds like
like i am i think i think that uh it was a spot i think maybe got murdered out
of spite from somebody
in my house i think or a friend because i had just done the clean the fish tank
he was in perfect
health i just did a full fish tank cleaning you did it like every three weeks i
mean i i dumped it out
i put him in another bucket yeah you had to do this whole thing you put half of
the water in the bucket
with him because you wanted to stay like the ecosystem that water oh yeah it's
like fema or whatever
yeah exactly i was basically like i was basically like red cross yeah my cousin
worked for fema for
a while they had to do all that he'd be putting wet people in shoe boxes for
two hours while they
vacuumed out there i was i was fuming it up and uh and i put it in i tested
everything and i had his
dentist with science seven years right and it looked beautiful too it flourished
right then then the next
day he was in the clean water just dead just not even a slow death just dead
yeah i suspect foul play
but this fish moved with me to three different locations okay so i'm in the
third location that
i own this fishing in seven years and that's where he died and i it was a
summer and i felt guilty i
didn't want to flush the fish it just felt disrespectful seven years enough and
the pipes too are you in new
york at that time yeah yeah yeah i don't want to put the fish that i i i called
my friend where i you
know where people yeah that's a good point actually hey fish i love you yeah
people that's nothing
people just flush the goldfish when they're done it's so disrespectful they
have no they have no
platform no voice anyway uh i didn't want you're right i don't they don't
people look i didn't want to
so i was i'm gonna bury it in the yard yeah and it was a summer and i just didn't
want to bury it
because i felt like it was gonna stink and decompose and stuff maybe be dug up
by like a raccoon
and so i was like i have to wait till cooler weather and so i put it in the
freezer i did
wow how did i tell you this story no because i told it before i was thinking
what would somebody do
i put it in tin foil and i put it in my freezer yeah and you know i kind of
half and half half was i
forgot about it and like maybe i missed a cycle maybe you don't want to
remember because it's painful too
sometimes your brain will hide um information yeah like i had to unearth it in
therapy or something
but one thing led to another and a few warm seasons passed and i still hadn't
i still hadn't done it and um and then it got to the point where i was like
i don't know i just felt bad i was like whenever i i just felt bad and then i
moved
it could have been toxic shock syndrome or something you know a lot of animals
if they
move too many times they get really sick yeah well i mean not to worry about
that with him because he
was dead oh another thing was i thought that they had only died when i i was
like it's bad luck to
name him so i never i had this seven years i didn't name him oh that would kill
anyone i called him fish
it was fine he didn't care and uh i moved and i and then i moved i took the
stuff from my fridge and
freezer with me it's not like i'm gonna throw stuff out i took him i moved
again so i moved from what
kind of compartment is he in are you keeping him in a little bowl or a little
little bag with water in
it it's uh tin foil okay it's he's not in water and so i so the the place i had
him do you have like a
couple grams of a fish rolled up in tin foil it's like this big of a fish and
uh it's in my freezer
right he's in my freezer right he's in my freezer right now and it has been it
has been since he
died it has been 2010 it's been about 12 years since he's done and i have i
moved into the house 2010
that he died in and then when i moved to my next house in 2015 he was already
dead so he died somewhere
between 2010 and 15 2012 2013. he the fish is frozen in my freezer right this
very very second
wow still today today 12 years i have a frozen fish in that i've told the story
in my pockets and
people started sending me fish coffins little fish coffins and i i was gonna
actually have a like a fun
roll for him yeah because i told him my pod years ago and so people started
sending him in and we were
gonna do like a like a patreon like funeral for him oh man but he's and then
you know what i end up
taking him i hadn't done it but we talked about it so i got him out of the i
used to film it at my
house so i got him out of the freezer and i opened it no way yeah i was scared
i did yeah i hope he's
still there i put him back in but i was scared to do it did he have any how did
he look it wasn't good
you know it was he was still whole yeah but uh he was i mean very very very
light gold yeah if there was
even a it was a gradient it was maybe like a 10 percent gold zirconium maybe
yeah it was like it
was like whitish you it might have been close to white which is a hint of gold
and his eyes it was
like the cheapest high school ring you could get exactly right yeah yeah like
he turned local gold or
whatever yeah it would have like a term they'd be like oh yeah yeah special
zone like um mountain
gold or something like that's something they tried to sell you on yeah yeah
that turn and
Thank you.

Sal Vulcano's INSANE Goldfish Story

but i remember one time i was i was like maybe i'll get a pet so i used to i
don't know if you
ever had these county like these fairs or these festivals at your school yeah
yeah you ever had
those like we did they would like come like confetti eggs and stuff we would
have different
things like they would come like carny like you would open up the truck with
like a ferris wheel
and like they would come for like a few days like a mini little uh what do you
call them like not
carnival but like a you know like a fair affair yeah we just had a carny in
here actually which
was pretty cool but we yeah yeah we had fairs too oh really yeah i can't never
tell if you're joking
oh yeah we had a carny in here we had a car how did you uh we had a carney in
here actually how'd you
book one uh we just searched for him ah we searched for him we found a decent
guy but um yeah but they
had fairs too yeah we had yeah i know what you're talking about so so we had
these fairs that would
come to your school yeah they would post up in the parking lot and it was also
a way for the school to
raise money because it would also be like casino night in the at the church oh
so like the parents
would they would get you know so it was like but they had those games that i
would come home with
like a stuffed down you know whatever and uh they had this thing where you
threw up a ping pong bowl
in the goldfish and he's little just like yeah you know there was like maybe a
a grid like 20
by 20 grid of these little bowls with goldfish in them and then it was like it
was like 50 cents you
threw a ball if a ping pong ball landed in the thing they bagged up the goldfish
for you and they gave it to you
yeah they shouldn't be doing that i mean if you think people don't give goldfish
any respect at
all like they're just as good as nothing they're like ants like you know it's
it's not fair people
eat them and throw them back up like steve you know but goldfish get a really
bad they're really
born into a bad life if you think about it they don't have a memory they don't
they a lot of them
are used just to feed other fish it's almost sex trafficked almost it's really
bad sex yeah yes and
if you're a goldfish i mean i don't know man i just a goldfish is a terrible
life you get split from your
family you know you don't even know your family is you don't know who your
family you get immediately
put you either live alone for the your whole life or you get thrown in with
people you don't want to
be with yeah you know and then you usually die of an infection you know your
eye is like has a big
freaking like cotton ball on it or something like that and like and you die
slow yeah nobody knew how to
reverse a goldfish death when i was young you got it and then when it started
to die you're like oh
there's the white stuff a couple weeks now he's got a couple and then like you
just walk you'd still
feed him and you just watch him with like one flipper you'd stare at this thing
looking at you
like i am i have been dying for two weeks you know so as a matter of fact i got
it so i i would get them
and bring them home and like oh this is gonna be like i'll pass the time i have
something to take care
of now yeah my my mom never knew i never got the setup she never got me a tank
a filtration system i
didn't know you needed a filtration yeah i did not know because when you threw
the ball in the thing
there was no filtration and they just threw them in that water well you know
that water has to be
cycled and filtered wherever those are all goners and if the ping pong ball don't
hit they're dying
anyway right it's like a kill shelter basically for fish right and so i would
bring them home and i
would put them in a salad bowl i just fill up tap water throw them in a salad
bowl i'm like this is
like the italian is thinking you solve anything in response to throwing it in a
salad bowl dude
dude i just i was like this is his biggest it's eight times bigger than where
he came from
he's like the jefferson's right he's moving on up this thing i'm in a big salad
bowl right
and i would just bread it was white bread i would just put white bread in there
and i i was like
what the because i'm a kid what are you making a sandwich dude i when i when we
were a kid and we went
fishing at the lake we would we would ball up wonder bread till it became like
a like a boy a little
nugget and put it in and then put on the hook and we did it with wonder bread
so i so i would just feed
it one bread and you know it wasn't until way after that i realized like the
fish would eat like i would
break it and throw it in chunks and it would suck it right in and then shoot it
right back out you know
some of them wouldn't come back out but most of them would shoot back out yeah
and i'd be like i just
was like he's full yeah but i guess he just didn't want white bread they can
take it in yeah so i would
so i they would always die oh so i felt so bad so then i realized one day like
i was like the fish
store because it was a there was a fish store near my cousin's house that we
used to it was on the same
square block we weren't allowed to cross the street so we can go to the fish
store without crossing the
street so one day i'm in there and i'm like oh there's these bubbles like i don't
have that i gotta get
bubbles yeah so one time i went in and i brought a fish home my mom wasn't home
from work yet and i was
like i gotta i don't want this fish to die and so i took a straw yeah and i put
i i put it in the fish
bowl in the salad bowl and i blew into the salad bowl to keep the fish alive i
blew bubbles until for
three hours until she got home at six o'clock thing was dead that night i'm
blowing carbon dioxide
directly into the thing i literally was like literally poisoned the fish i'm
sitting there going
and i'm and i named him i named him harry and i remember because i named every
fish and they all
died very quickly yeah and so i was here i am three hours blowing with a straw
and i just thought the
bubbles did it so so finally when i got older i uh i my niece won a fish and
she brought it home well
maybe my little sister or my niece won a fish brought it home and was it
beautiful was it big it was
little it was a little right but i was like i'm i'm not i was like i'm not
letting this happen to this
fish i was i was like right this is going to be different i was like 20 20 i
was like probably 23 24.
right who am i if i continue to let this happen went right to the store bought
the whole setup i came
home rocks like like coral fake coral yeah castle little dmv in there i had the
treasure chest and
like a little like like a little dmv kind of thing little perk dealer yeah yeah
i i got yeah all that i
had the whole neighborhood in there right all the people in the neighborhood
but i had all the accoutrement
and i got into it you buy the rocks i don't know if you ever had a fish but
then you have to
like you roll the rocks through a strainer because the dye has to come off a
little bit
put them in there and you have i got so into this i bought medicine food i
bought all like i i would
do the water i would test it the ph put all the i would uh wow i would uh what
do you call it condition
the water oh yeah and i took this fish and i had it for six or seven years
right and the fish became
like this big and i don't know if it's a thing but i would just feed the fish i
would put my hand and the
fish would eat out of my hand that might be a one any of them do but it really
felt like we had
something like if i put my hand there he didn't jolt away right he she he would
just like go he would
like go in my hand and just like stay there oh you know and so you don't see a
lot of that you don't
see that now these days with goldfish with people like that right anyway one
day he died or whatever
and i think i honestly think he was murdered i really do i'm not making a joke
i know it sounds like
like i am i think i think that uh it was a spot i think maybe got murdered out
of spite from somebody
in my house i think or a friend because i had just done the clean the fish tank
he was in perfect
health i just did a full fish tank cleaning you did it like every three weeks i
mean i i dumped it out
i put him in another bucket yeah you had to do this whole thing you put half of
the water in the bucket
with him because you wanted to stay like the ecosystem that water oh yeah it's
like fema or whatever
yeah exactly i was basically like i was basically like red cross yeah my cousin
worked for fema for
a while they had to do all that he'd be putting wet people in shoe boxes for
two hours while they
vacuumed out there i was i was fuming it up and uh and i put it in i tested
everything and i had his
dentist with science seven years right and it looked beautiful too it flourished
right then then the next
day he was in the clean water just dead just not even a slow death just dead
yeah i suspect foul play
but this fish moved with me to three different locations okay so i'm in the
third location that
i own this fishing in seven years and that's where he died and i it was a
summer and i felt guilty i
didn't want to flush the fish it just felt disrespectful seven years enough and
the pipes too are you in new
york at that time yeah yeah yeah i don't want to put the fish that i i i called
my friend where i you
know where people yeah that's a good point actually hey fish i love you yeah
people that's nothing
people just flush the goldfish when they're done it's so disrespectful they
have no they have no
platform no voice anyway uh i didn't want you're right i don't they don't
people look i didn't want to
so i was i'm gonna bury it in the yard yeah and it was a summer and i just didn't
want to bury it
because i felt like it was gonna stink and decompose and stuff maybe be dug up
by like a raccoon
and so i was like i have to wait till cooler weather and so i put it in the
freezer i did
wow how did i tell you this story no because i told it before i was thinking
what would somebody do
i put it in tin foil and i put it in my freezer yeah and you know i kind of
half and half half was i
forgot about it and like maybe i missed a cycle maybe you don't want to
remember because it's painful too
sometimes your brain will hide um information yeah like i had to unearth it in
therapy or something
but one thing led to another and a few warm seasons passed and i still hadn't
i still hadn't done it and um and then it got to the point where i was like
i don't know i just felt bad i was like whenever i i just felt bad and then i
moved
it could have been toxic shock syndrome or something you know a lot of animals
if they
move too many times they get really sick yeah well i mean not to worry about
that with him because he
was dead oh another thing was i thought that they had only died when i i was
like it's bad luck to
name him so i never i had this seven years i didn't name him oh that would kill
anyone i called him fish
it was fine he didn't care and uh i moved and i and then i moved i took the
stuff from my fridge and
freezer with me it's not like i'm gonna throw stuff out i took him i moved
again so i moved from what
kind of compartment is he in are you keeping him in a little bowl or a little
little bag with water in
it it's uh tin foil okay it's he's not in water and so i so the the place i had
him do you have like a
couple grams of a fish rolled up in tin foil it's like this big of a fish and
uh it's in my freezer
right he's in my freezer right he's in my freezer right now and it has been it
has been since he
died it has been 2010 it's been about 12 years since he's done and i have i
moved into the house 2010
that he died in and then when i moved to my next house in 2015 he was already
dead so he died somewhere
between 2010 and 15 2012 2013. he the fish is frozen in my freezer right this
very very second
wow still today today 12 years i have a frozen fish in that i've told the story
in my pockets and
people started sending me 