Name: Joey Diaz Isn't Going to a Buffet
Uploaded: 2024-06-14T13:01:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz Isn't Going to a Buffet' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz Isn't Going to a Buffet' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-14. Transcript available.

I just missed like a simpler time too, man. God, remember how much fun it was,
dude?
This is simple. Nobody had a phone. You went out. Nobody get a hold of you.
We used to go, bro. I remember we'd go to Howard Johnson's, bro.
Remember Howard Johnson's?
Fuck yeah.
Bring up a fucking Howard Johnson's.
They had that short water taffy.
Show them that cock, Rocky.
Oh, show them that cock, Rocky.
Bring up a Howard Johnson's, bro.
I think there's still a Howard Johnson's by me on Route 3.
I hope there is, dude.
Howard Johnson's. My mom, when I was like five, we would go, she would drop us
off there to meet my grandparents or whatever.
And we didn't know our, like, and they would have, oh, they used to have, and
we'd have like a nice meal there.
It'd be nice, bro.
They had the bathrooms that had the little, you ever go, like you ever go to a
bathroom, but it has a little room before you get in the bathroom.
It's like you open the door and then you're just in like a little bitty room
and then there's another door and that's the bathroom.
It's like the room's like three feet by three feet.
You know what I'm just saying?
You open that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They had that shit, dude.
We never even seen that.
How many Howard Johnson's possibly left?
I don't know.
Dude, Shoney's Inn, bro.
I remember for $11, you could stay at the place, right?
For $15, you could stay and eat, right?
So it was that $4 upcharge.
You got that buffet.
Shoney's had an inn and we would go, bro.
And they also had this like premier buffet for like two more dollars you could
go.
They had like this kind of roped off area of the buffet and down there they had
fucking salmon or whatever, you know, damn, you know, special pickles, salmon.
Like honeydew, honeydew melon, like I never, shit you'd never seen, fucking gay
watermelon, you know what I'm saying?
They had all the special shit down there, like black pudding or whatever.
They had all the shit down there, the Reeboks were on sale.
They had like this special area of the buffet, but it was like roped off unless
you got the premier edition or whatever.
But, dude, we would go there, bro.
It was so nice, dude.
When you're a kid, all that shit's nice until you get older and you're like,
why am I eating this shit?
I'm going to fucking die.
Look at the people around me.
Look what they look like.
And here I am with them about to die.
And that's anywhere, any of those chains, that fucking country crock, what's
that one?
Oh, Cracker Barrel.
Cracker Barrel, you'll die.
You'll fucking die in one of those places.
There's like 10 of those fucking joints that you're eating there and you're
like, you know what, what's the place that they have the chocolate fountain?
They have one in Burbank.
Memphis?
No, I don't know where it is, dude.
No, there's an all-you-can-eat buffet in Burbank.
Oh, damn.
It's like a chain.
It's a chain.
And they have, they advertise.
Oh, you're talking about Shakey's Pizza?
No, not that either.
We used to do comedy in Shakey's Pizza in Seattle.
Did you?
One night, they had like a Wednesday night.
My buddy got leprosy at one of those places.
He fucking, you got leprosy.
Oh, he, this guy would get everything, bro.
He's a real susceptible fella.
Golden Corral.
Golden Corral.
That's a fucking place right there.
Oh, you'll die.
Oh, there's a lot of-
And I see people eating fish at those places.
You just want to go over to them and go, listen, here's a good mortician.
So when they lay out your body, they can take that salmon out.
Salmon, shrimp.
And I don't think, there's no buffets anymore.
No.
Right?
Since the pandemic?
I mean, I think, well, people are still doing them, but it's definitely more of
a risque type
of thing.
It's kind of like the only fans of, like, the dinner community, I feel like.
Like, if you see a buffet, it almost feels like it's prohibition or something.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, it's a fucking speakeasy, you know?
When you go to those places and you look around and you're like, like, I went
to fucking, where
did I go?
I went to Kentucky, Paducah.
My brother-in-law lives in Paducah.
I love my in-laws.
It's my niece's birthday today.
I love her.
But I can't go to Paducah, because they take me to this restaurant, and they
put cheddar
cheese on everything.
They put it on oatmeal, on cereal.
I mean, whatever you order, they put a handful of that communist cheddar cheese.
It's worse than the one the government sends you.
And I'm eating the one night with my wife, because my wife brought it home to
me the one
night.
She's like, we're going to go over here and eat.
You could stay there, and I'll just bring you a thing.
And I ate it, and it wasn't bad.
It was like a steak.
Just a couple pieces of meat.
It wasn't bad.
The next night I went, I'm like, yeah, that play, I'm excited.
Let's go.
And we went there, and I'm looking at these people, and everybody's ankles were
swollen.
They all had a diabetic foot.
Oh, yeah.
Everybody.
It's like going to a Yankee game.
I went to a Yankee game two years ago.
I was sitting next to a lady.
Her foot was purple.
And what this bitch do, she put like a blue tattoo on it to throw the color off
of the
diabetic foot.
I'm like, when does it end?
Fucking darn fattingly, dude.
And she's sitting there eating beer, drinking beer.
If you're eating beer, I've seen a woman over there eating beer with a spoon.
You know them bitches are going downhill.
It was a fucking nightmare.
When I see a diabetic foot at a restaurant, I gotta go.
Yeah.
Or a fat ankle like that.
When I looked around this restaurant, Paducah, everybody's ankles were swollen.
I'm like, dog, I'm done.
I'm on the plane tomorrow.
You gotta go.
It is true.
I think it's important.
You gotta look around and see who's in the joint.
Who's in this fucking joint?
Look at these people.
They're gonna die.
Because sometimes it is.
It's like people that are almost just like cattle that don't want to, yeah,
that can't
even breathe that good or read.
You'll see people like on Oxygen, you know, sneaking in a fucking.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, when you go in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sneaking in a little hit of pie or something.
While they're smoking a cigarette.
Yeah.
They don't give a fuck.
They don't give a fuck, man.
And it's like, I get nervous in those places.
Like, I'm gonna die.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's just a lot of bad food out there.
And I think it's gotten more to the place now you have to take care of yourself.
Because the government or whatever, whatever we thought, the FDA, that shit's
all been
compromised, bro.
That shit.
That's compromised.
You show up with an envelope and they'll approve anything.
Those motherfuckers, dude.
They don't give a fuck anymore.
Bro, you could have damn menthol bread pudding, bro.
Those motherfuckers will approve it, dude.
You know, it's like going on Instagram.
They sell every get well cure on Instagram.
Like, who would buy, you know, and it's constant.
Look at your Instagram.
It's like bodybuilding, recuperation, testosterone.
Yeah, I'm gonna buy testosterone online from some fucking guy I don't know.
It is crazy.
Eyebrow loss.
They have eyebrows.
Like, what are you even doing?
Yeah, no, man.
Yeah, poor vision.
Missing grandparents.
You're like, who gives a fuck?
Missing grandparents.
For $40 a month.
Like, what even am I paying for?