Name: Theo Von and Joey Diaz Talk Partying, Escorts, and Close Calls
Uploaded: 2024-07-15T15:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von and Joey Diaz Talk Partying, Escorts, and Close Calls' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von and Joey Diaz Talk Partying, Escorts, and Close Calls' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-15. Transcript available.

I've done fucking all this stuff and nobody ever wanted to buy a ticket, but I
tell the most awkward stories
So what do guys like me and you do tell more disgusting stories of your life?
Yeah, and they ate them up get it out
Well, people can relate to stuff dude, especially with hookers, man
I remember doing drugs and then I would like negotiate with hookers online,
right?
Because I don't have any money. So I'm sitting there like I'm not like price gouging
or whatever they call it
but I'm like, you know, like
I'm like, how about this just stay for maybe 40 minutes or whatever, you know,
give me like, you know
$75 off the amount or whatever and I was always so high. This would happen to
me every time Joey
a
Woman of the night or whatever escort would come over. I'd be so high. I'd be
scared
I'd hand the money out of the door open the door a little bit fucking hand them
the money and have them go home, right?
90% of the time because I was so scared like
I don't know we even know why I would do it but and I would do that two or
three times in the night, right?
So
One time dude, I remember one time this russian lady
uh
she
I was
She had to go or something right and I was fine
She asked me to watch her dog right at her fucking place. I'd went over there
And she asked me to watch her dog and I couldn't understand what she was saying
I thought she wanted to do like butt stuff or something, but then she just was
trying to get me to watch this fucking dog
dude
So the whole conversation was just ridiculous, bro
Because I kept kind of touching her butt and she kept kind of pointing at this
puppy
I'm just like I would be
Petrified to call a hooker. Oh, it was so scary petrified
And never mind on coke like I wanted to trust me. You're not the only how to
got
Fucking secret fucking desires whenever you do coke and you're by yourself. You
you're dying to call a freak. That's gonna take the ride with you
I can never do it. I can never fucking do it
And if I got somebody to come over if I jerked off before they come over then I
wouldn't even open the door
Yeah, I keep that little bit of coke for me. Fuck you ain't getting none of
this
Oh, yeah, yeah, you ain't getting no
I'm out of coke. I crash a fucking aspirin and give it to them
Oh, I remember yeah, like I'd feel so bad once a hooker was coming over one
time
Um, I remember putting on like an I didn't want to even seem like I did coke or
whatever
So I like remember put on like an apron or something to make it seem like I was
like
Cooking around my house like just being like an organized guy, you know, like
what the fuck?
What a loser do this?
She's probably like it's 3:30. This guy's a fucking chef
I just wanted to look like I was doing something important or whatever and I
didn't have like a you know
That was the closest thing I had like a uniform I guess or whatever was that
but I would love to sit with like a
Like a fucking I don't know one of those psychotherapists
That's analyzing people for drugs or something
And just sit there with him for three days and tell him the stupid shit that
And it's not even stupid. It's fucking hilarious when you look at it. Yeah,
when you think about it years later
You're like that was fun like
A couple weeks ago. I came down here the 420 I came down here for the weekend
And I was thinking about in 86 when the Mets won the series or some of the playoff
I forget what it was. I went to new york to pick up like a couple ounces of
coke
I was bringing them back to colorado and when I got there the guy I went to see
Said to me your coke is ready to go. You got it. You got a house
You could stay at my house. He goes I gotta leave
I gotta go away for three days to a wedding in connecticut or something
But he goes I forgot you were coming. I hooked you up. You're good to go
We went to eat after the fucking airport and then he drove me to the house
He goes the coke's in there go in my sister's there my mom
They left you the whole fucking house. I get in there the fucking hot water
heater blew up
And the power went out so you know guys like me and you I wasn't leaving until
sunday. I
called some of my friends, but
They were fucking busy and I stayed in that house from friday to sunday
Snorting coke with a candle and with my pants rolled up because it was all
water
So i'm walking around like jethro toll that album from jethro toll with a
mirror
Navigating myself to the water in this fucking basement
With a candle snorting coke the sister's like 16. She's down there snorting
coke with me
I'm like, oh, no, i'm gonna go to jail. It's a damn underground rail
He would call me every hour like how's it going over there i'm here with your
sister and mom
Snorting fucking coke in this fucking you know
Nobody would believe that I stayed there till sunday
And then I get to the airport kennedy airport
It's fucking freezing out everybody's got jackets on there was no tunnels then
you had to walk out and get on the plane
Everybody had jackets on dog. I've been doing coke for three days
When I walked out to add a t-shirt on and steam was coming out of me and people
looking at me like what the fuck is he on right?
like you can't
That that was like a whole afternoon then I got on the plane and I was so coked
out
I had the aisle seat before the plane took off
They came to me and said you can't keep getting up and going to the bathroom
I was going every eight minutes to the bathroom load up and then when the plane
took off. I actually took the blanket
put it over my head
Put the lunch tray down
Crushed it up and I would snort and then pop my head up and
And I'm like nobody knows I'm getting high but the clinker of that whole
fucking day
Like Punxsutawney Phil dude dog
It was not and this was every week eight more weeks of eight
You got to remember this was going on in our lives once a week this craziness
And then I go because in those days the planes had like a little bar and you
could order from the bar and I remember that
I'll never forget there's a black linted bar like black wow on the airplane in
the 80s and 90s shit
You had fucking planes with bars
Yeah
Jet blue no people's express was a plane that went out of business a
Company I went out of business they had a piano
No, the guy would play upstairs there were double-decker planes this shit today.
I don't know what the fuck's going on
No bars
Traffic yeah, you go on a plane now you go on a plane to sit there like a commie
and look straight ahead
In the 80s and 90s you went on a plane you party
You could move around and talk to people that's what rick flair always says
He always says about how great it was on planes. Oh my god. I could come up
with the fio and go deal
Buy fio a drink buy that lady in row three a drink and all of a sudden you're
picking up chicks on a plane dog
Come on
Fuck i'm lonely, so I go to the bar
I order whatever a southern company orange juice whatever the fuck i'm drinking
And theo as i'm talking to it's just me and him at the bar
Our fucking coke rock falls out of my nose
And lands on the lint and me and him are looking at it like to see who's gonna
speak first
And i go i look up and i'm looking at the plane i go that fell off the plane
there and i got back in my seat
I was never so embarrassed
Look, I was doing shit that nobody i remember going on a date
With a girl to a fucking net philadelphia six again oh high on coke no i had a
half ounce in my pocket
I was holding the fillet in case you didn't want to go home with me
Yeah, you know the first quarter i'm talking to and we're not getting nowhere
And i go fuck this i'm going together you want a drink she goes yeah i'll take
a drink
I went to the bar to get a drink at the net game
The bartender had a bowtie on this is like a theo story he had a bowtie on very
decent guy and oh yeah
Like let me get a double bah bah let me get another one bah and also i go you
want to do a line the guy's like yeah
This is 1984 rocky got that cock on it i'm not a net basketball game i got the
bartender in the back
Doing lines by the end of the night he had his fucking bowtie off he
disconnected the computer
He was just pouring them in and giving them to people i didn't go back to that
seat
Till three minutes left wow that girl was like what happened to you i'm like
you're not gonna believe it
i had a good time i had a good fucking time sitting next to your tight ass
fucking
Telling me i mean that that's the that happened all the time
Yeah anything could it used to feel like anything could happen anything could
happen like yeah
We're gonna go here but listen there was a time when there was a 39 flight to
miami
after midnight in newark after midnight after midnight it was
39 it was like 59 all day like just to miami straight shots in 84
but for midnight too it was like 29 dollars oh my god you get on that plane and
there'd be 200 people
Fucking what you know how you go we're out of coke what are we gonna do yeah
call timmy call mikey call louie
Nobody's around fucker let's go to miami that's what people would do they get
on that plane with the last two lines
And pray to god till they get to the airport dog it was crazy
That's how crazy it used to be
After midnight a fucking
On the hour every hour to miami
Why would that fucking why would you want to go to my what would make you want
to go to miami at two in the morning cocaine probably yeah
Women or men if you like men i don't like them
But women but you have a thousand of those
stories thousand and i have thousands of them
Thousands of you know fucking getting high and not getting anywhere
That's what it is that's the truth of it is after you look at it over a long
period of time
It's like getting high and not getting not getting anywhere
You know you're talking about that shit about giving the hook of money listen
man
How did i quit smoking cigarettes i forced myself
i bought an eight ball and i didn't take no cigarettes home because i knew
Once i had that eight ball in me i'm not walking the 7-eleven
Ah so i stayed in that apartment all night eight hours with no fucking
cigarettes on an eight ball
The next day i didn't need to smoke i had already beaten in my mind that's how
i quit smoking cigarettes
i bought an eight ball and no cigarettes to go
yeah dude i remember one time i had a
i had a escort or whatever i hate to hook i feel like but do hookers like the
term hooker they don't care
they don't care as long as you pay them yeah so yeah and i always paid but um
yeah this hooker got sick one time and i remember i stayed over there for like
a day and a half taking care of her
really yeah and west uh in beverly hills
and you ever talk to any more uh no we texted for a while and then i changed my
number
but i think it was fine we didn't even speak really the same language that much
i think she spoke like slovakian maybe or something and um
but yeah but we were i mean definitely
had been doing drugs but that was that you know oh when i think of some of the
times dude
it scares you yeah when i think it's the times that i drove up joey when i i
used to get i would put
both of my feet on the pedals right because i was too nervous to let one of my
feet make all the decisions
right so i was like i ain't trusting this one of my feet i'm gonna have both
feet down there in case
something pops off right so i had one on each pedal but even then it's like
playing a you know it's a
little bit of driver's ed kind of vibes it's a so and i would be like in a
crosswalk and i would be
high and somebody would be walking through and i'd be like do not hit the gas
bro just hoping my feet
didn't do their own and start a new adventure for themselves you know just got
me so
just be just being so up that you didn't know if you were going to be able to
rely on yourself you
know that show is tough that's one thing about me i never did as crazy as i am
i could do anything like if you say to me joey can we do this let's go i'm not
scared of cops you
know when i was running i was running okay when you're running you're running
there's one thing i hate
doing drinking and driving yeah partying and driving listen i could smoke a
joint and drive better than
most people the other i cannot drink and drive it won't let me my body shuts
down because i know i
could talk to a cop but if i'm drinking i can't talk to him because he's got me
i'm guilty i'm guilty
i'm not gonna try to tell him i have one drink that's why i won't even have one
drink when i go out
the fear of a cop pulling me over and asking me were you drinking yeah and then
i gotta go yeah and
then he gets me out of the car and then i gotta do the ten steps so before i go
through all that
you know and we didn't have ubers you know i didn't have an uber now great to
get
high yeah you can do whatever you want now yeah people don't understand what
that was like not
having an uber you had to get high say if you wanted to leave a place you had
to walk off walk or
fucking run or fucking go through the weeds or some shit you know my thing was
i i i'm still very grateful
that in all those years nothing happened bad on the road and bro i was in
situations where
you know a lot of shit could have happened drug wise one time in beaumont that
like when i think of
nights that i could have died it's beaumont beaumont for reals i fucking od'd
on valium really you can
od on the sunset there it's beautiful area i couldn't talk for three days i had
to go to a hotel room
my face was dragging it's like i had ballsy face yeah couldn't go home couldn't
get on a plane
i blew my whole check in a hotel in houston coming down hiding from people
drinking gatorades you know
yeah it's it's so many things could happen yeah all those weeks in miami doing
drugs houston oh you
know houston was fucking you came to houston to lose your mind and do comedy
that was part of it crazy
that's a i had a friend no well he wasn't a friend when i was like 24 there was
an old guy that hung
out at one of the bars oh yeah and he would just drink and then throw punches
in the air yeah so you're
talking to me and he would throw punches you know you know the whole thing oh
yeah dude so i'm doing coke
in this bar and every day he talked to himself and yeah i'll kick your ass and
he throw jabs huh
and one day i asked the bartender what's up with this guy he goes you don't
know johnny reed i go nah
you know it was 1984 i'm a kid i don't know johnny reed he goes i go is he
crazy he goes you don't know
what he did i go nah he goes he tried to kill himself jumped out of a building
and landed in
the garbage dumpster and he just bopped his head so now he's fucked up he would
get a check from the
government on the first and he would just give it to the bartender and say tell
me when it's over
by the 18th he'd be broke and he'd be in there arguing with the bartender i
locked him in a bathroom
one day dog i locked him in the bathroom at 2 30 in the afternoon yeah because
in jersey the bathroom's
locked from the outside he was driving us crazy talking about boxing 1964 i
took him to the body
and we're like johnny knock it off he went into the bathroom i can't take johnny
no more we locked him
we left we leave oh you gotta i came back at nine i go to the bathroom he's
still in the bathroom lock
he came out he's like whoo that's the noise he made when i opened the door he
goes whoo this guy
used to fuck me like we give him up then towards the end i would go johnny you
ever do coke yeah i give
him a line of coke and that would put his emburism whatever craziness he had he'd
go even worse
and i still remember giving him a line of coke like a two in the morning like a
bump yeah and then being
in the car at five going to the city to get coke and seeing him walking over
the george washington
rich throwing fucking laughs i'm like oh my god we can't give that motherfucker
lines no more
and then i cracked him one day i just showed him my dick yeah i put it on the
stool next to him oh yeah
and he was right on the stool and he's like and i go johnny he goes what and i
go look at this and he
goes wow and he just fucking he just watched the basketball game he goes wow
and he just i'm like
fucking dying only johnny could do this i've been asking about him what
happened to him he's got to be
dead by now he was 50 60 when that shit in the 80s

Theo Von and Joey Diaz Talk Partying, Escorts, and Close Calls

I've done fucking all this stuff and nobody ever wanted to buy a ticket, but I
tell the most awkward stories
So what do guys like me and you do tell more disgusting stories of your life?
Yeah, and they ate them up get it out
Well, people can relate to stuff dude, especially with hookers, man
I remember doing drugs and then I would like negotiate with hookers online,
right?
Because I don't have any money. So I'm sitting there like I'm not like price gouging
or whatever they call it
but I'm like, you know, like
I'm like, how about this just stay for maybe 40 minutes or whatever, you know,
give me like, you know
$75 off the amount or whatever and I was always so high. This would happen to
me every time Joey
a
Woman of the night or whatever escort would come over. I'd be so high. I'd be
scared
I'd hand the money out of the door open the door a little bit fucking hand them
the money and have them go home, right?
90% of the time because I was so scared like
I don't know we even know why I would do it but and I would do that two or
three times in the night, right?
So
One time dude, I remember one time this russian lady
uh
she
I was
She had to go or something right and I was fine
She asked me to watch her dog right at her fucking place. I'd went over there
And she asked me to watch her dog and I couldn't understand what she was saying
I thought she wanted to do like butt stuff or something, but then she just was
trying to get me to watch this fucking dog
dude
So the whole conversation was just ridiculous, bro
Because I kept kind of touching her butt and she kept kind of pointing at this
puppy
I'm just like I would be
Petrified to call a hooker. Oh, it was so scary petrified
And never mind on coke like I wanted to trust me. You're not the only how to
got
Fucking secret fucking desires whenever you do coke and you're by yourself. You
you're dying to call a freak. That's gonna take the ride with you
I can never do it. I can never fucking do it
And if I got somebody to come over if I jerked off before they come over then I
wouldn't even open the door
Yeah, I keep that little bit of coke for me. Fuck you ain't getting none of
this
Oh, yeah, yeah, you ain't getting no
I'm out of coke. I crash a fucking aspirin and give it to them
Oh, I remember yeah, like I'd feel so bad once a hooker was coming over one
time
Um, I remember putting on like an I didn't want to even seem like I did coke or
whatever
So I like remember put on like an apron or something to make it seem like I was
like
Cooking around my house like just being like an organized guy, you know, like
what the fuck?
What a loser do this?
She's probably like it's 3:30. This guy's a fucking chef
I just wanted to look like I was doing something important or whatever and I
didn't have like a you know
That was the closest thing I had like a uniform I guess or whatever was that
but I would love to sit with like a
Like a fucking I don't know one of those psychotherapists
That's analyzing people for drugs or something
And just sit there with him for three days and tell him the stupid shit that
And it's not even stupid. It's fucking hilarious when you look at it. Yeah,
when you think about it years later
You're like that was fun like
A couple weeks ago. I came down here the 420 I came down here for the weekend
And I was thinking about in 86 when the Mets won the series or some of the playoff
I forget what it was. I went to new york to pick up like a couple ounces of
coke
I was bringing them back to colorado and when I got there the guy I went to see
Said to me your coke is ready to go. You got it. You got a house
You could stay at my house. He goes I gotta leave
I gotta go away for three days to a wedding in connecticut or something
But he goes I forgot you were coming. I hooked you up. You're good to go
We went to eat after the fucking airport and then he drove me to the house
He goes the coke's in there go in my sister's there my mom
They left you the whole fucking house. I get in there the fucking hot water
heater blew up
And the power went out so you know guys like me and you I wasn't leaving until
sunday. I
called some of my friends, but
They were fucking busy and I stayed in that house from friday to sunday
Snorting coke with a candle and with my pants rolled up because it was all
water
So i'm walking around like jethro toll that album from jethro toll with a
mirror
Navigating myself to the water in this fucking basement
With a candle snorting coke the sister's like 16. She's down there snorting
coke with me
I'm like, oh, no, i'm gonna go to jail. It's a damn underground rail
He would call me every hour like how's it going over there i'm here with your
sister and mom
Snorting fucking coke in this fucking you know
Nobody would believe that I stayed there till sunday
And then I get to the airport kennedy airport
It's fucking freezing out everybody's got jackets on there was no tunnels then
you had to walk out and get on the plane
Everybody had jackets on dog. I've been doing coke for three days
When I walked out to add a t-shirt on and steam was coming out of me and people
looking at me like what the fuck is he on right?
like you can't
That that was like a whole afternoon then I got on the plane and I was so coked
out
I had the aisle seat before the plane took off
They came to me and said you can't keep getting up and going to the bathroom
I was going every eight minutes to the bathroom load up and then when the plane
took off. I actually took the blanket
put it over my head
Put the lunch tray down
Crushed it up and I would snort and then pop my head up and
And I'm like nobody knows I'm getting high but the clinker of that whole
fucking day
Like Punxsutawney Phil dude dog
It was not and this was every week eight more weeks of eight
You got to remember this was going on in our lives once a week this craziness
And then I go because in those days the planes had like a little bar and you
could order from the bar and I remember that
I'll never forget there's a black linted bar like black wow on the airplane in
the 80s and 90s shit
You had fucking planes with bars
Yeah
Jet blue no people's express was a plane that went out of business a
Company I went out of business they had a piano
No, the guy would play upstairs there were double-decker planes this shit today.
I don't know what the fuck's going on
No bars
Traffic yeah, you go on a plane now you go on a plane to sit there like a commie
and look straight ahead
In the 80s and 90s you went on a plane you party
You could move around and talk to people that's what rick flair always says
He always says about how great it was on planes. Oh my god. I could come up
with the fio and go deal
Buy fio a drink buy that lady in row three a drink and all of a sudden you're
picking up chicks on a plane dog
Come on
Fuck i'm lonely, so I go to the bar
I order whatever a southern company orange juice whatever the fuck i'm drinking
And theo as i'm talking to it's just me and him at the bar
Our fucking coke rock falls out of my nose
And lands on the lint and me and him are looking at it like to see who's gonna
speak first
And i go i look up and i'm looking at the plane i go that fell off the plane
there and i got back in my seat
I was never so embarrassed
Look, I was doing shit that nobody i remember going on a date
With a girl to a fucking net philadelphia six again oh high on coke no i had a
half ounce in my pocket
I was holding the fillet in case you didn't want to go home with me
Yeah, you know the first quarter i'm talking to and we're not getting nowhere
And i go fuck this i'm going together you want a drink she goes yeah i'll take
a drink
I went to the bar to get a drink at the net game
The bartender had a bowtie on this is like a theo story he had a bowtie on very
decent guy and oh yeah
Like let me get a double bah bah let me get another one bah and also i go you
want to do a line the guy's like yeah
This is 1984 rocky got that cock on it i'm not a net basketball game i got the
bartender in the back
Doing lines by the end of the night he had his fucking bowtie off he
disconnected the computer
He was just pouring them in and giving them to people i didn't go back to that
seat
Till three minutes left wow that girl was like what happened to you i'm like
you're not gonna believe it
i had a good time i had a good fucking time sitting next to your tight ass
fucking
Telling me i mean that that's the that happened all the time
Yeah anything could it used to feel like anything could happen anything could
happen like yeah
We're gonna go here but listen there was a time when there was a 39 flight to
miami
after midnight in newark after midnight after midnight it was
39 it was like 59 all day like just to miami straight shots in 84
but for midnight too it was like 29 dollars oh my god you get on that plane and
there'd be 200 people
Fucking what you know how you go we're out of coke what are we gonna do yeah
call timmy call mikey call louie
Nobody's around fucker let's go to miami that's what people would do they get
on that plane with the last two lines
And pray to god till they get to the airport dog it was crazy
That's how crazy it used to be
After midnight a fucking
On the hour every hour to miami
Why would that fucking why would you want to go to my what would make you want
to go to miami at two in the morning cocaine probably yeah
Women or men if you like men i don't like them
But women but you have a thousand of those
stories thousand and i have thousands of them
Thousands of you know fucking getting high and not getting anywhere
That's what it is that's the truth of it is after you look at it over a long
period of time
It's like getting high and not getting not getting anywhere
You know you're talking about that shit about giving the hook of money listen
man
How did i quit smoking cigarettes i forced myself
i bought an eight ball and i didn't take no cigarettes home because i knew
Once i had that eight ball in me i'm not walking the 7-eleven
Ah so i stayed in that apartment all night eight hours with no fucking
cigarettes on an eight ball
The next day i didn't need to smoke i had already beaten in my mind that's how
i quit smoking cigarettes
i bought an eight ball and no cigarettes to go
yeah dude i remember one time i had a
i had a escort or whatever i hate to hook i feel like but do hookers like the
term hooker they don't care
they don't care as long as you pay them yeah so yeah and i always paid but um
yeah this hooker got sick one time and i remember i stayed over there for like
a day and a half taking care of her
really yeah and west uh in beverly hills
and you ever talk to any more uh no we texted for a while and then i changed my
number
but i think it was fine we didn't even speak really the same language that much
i think she spoke like slovakian maybe or something and um
but yeah but we were i mean definitely
had been doing drugs but that was that you know oh when i think of some of the
times dude
it scares you yeah when i think it's the times that i drove up joey when i i
used to get i would put
both of my feet on the pedals right because i was too nervous to let one of my
feet make all the decisions
right so i was like i ain't trusting this one of my feet i'm gonna have both
feet down there in case
something pops off right so i had one on each pedal but even then it's like
playing a you know it's a
little bit of driver's ed kind of vibes it's a so and i would be like in a
crosswalk and i would be
high and somebody would be walking through and i'd be like do not hit the gas
bro just hoping my feet
didn't do their own and start a new adventure for themselves you know just got
me so
just be just being so up that you didn't know if you were going to be able to
rely on yourself you
know that show is tough that's one thing about me i never did as crazy as i am
i could do anything like if you say to me joey can we do this let's go i'm not
scared of cops you
know when i was running i was running okay wh