Name: Theo Takes Calls About People's First Time
Uploaded: 2024-08-02T16:15:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Takes Calls About People's First Time' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Takes Calls About People's First Time' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-02. Transcript available.

the last solo episode we talked about the first time somebody ever touched your
genitalia
which is a very important time in somebody's life
because for most of your life your genitalia it's yours it's yours 99 99.9
percent of the time it's
yours it's your junk it's your little fucking dirty little secret but sometimes
you let other
people touch it and you let them get involved with it and so that's what i
wanted to figure out
and see if we could uh get to some of those calls right here actually yo theo
it's mike from the
quad cities what's up mike quad cities over there and i believe that that's moline
um let me see
quad cities iowa it's moline bettendorf davenport rock island and moline we're
coming to moline as
well man uh let's hear more illinois uh rock island calling about the uh the
statement you made
regarding when's the first time someone touched your genitalia oh yeah baby
that first junk fucking
too baby because there's nothing because your whole life you've had your penis
you don't even know when
you're a kid you even have a penis but then you get to like 12 and you're like
holy shit dude i got
this wand on me or you're a woman you're like holy shit you know i got this
pocket on me you know
i got this fucking little party oyster on me what do i do let's hear more
besides myself it was uh it was on the basketball court at the fitness center
i was uh i was playing a five on five full court and we was playing with uh a
group of uh older people
uh they was i was probably 14 and they was probably around 40 i don't know and
uh there was a there was
a female one of them and she was guarding me and uh i cut to the hoop and she
cut to the drawers you
know what i'm saying she uh she rubbed her hand across that shaft well homie
you got molested buddy
and i you know i'm not a cop or anything i you know i'm not a detective for
sure dude i can't even find
my sandals that i fucking i swear to god they were at my apartment um but yeah
you got molested man i'm
sorry to hear about that let's hear another one what do we got here do you know
this is jaden from indiana
uh you told us to call in about the first time somebody touched your genitalia
and i have a vivid
memory of that which was i had this gal over to my house when i was about 16
and uh you know it was
the first time i had her up to my room and oh bro the first time somebody comes
to your room
it's so crazy
you're you don't even know what to do dude it's so the first time a girl comes
to your room you're
looks like what i've only seen this on the internet sorry man i just had to relive
that moment it's
such a moment onward brother i don't mean that i'm not trying to be creepy or
nothing but we are creepy
brother we're all creepy dude it's the first time we were alone together so it's
just destined to happen
that something was gonna go down and uh i remember the very first two minutes
of my bro just tell us
what fucking happened dude this guy's just draw jesus bro tell us what happened
onward very first hand
you know my cousin walks into my door and uh my door was a blanket tacked up to
the door frame you know
just covering the doorway there bro get a freaking door dude you're trying to
get a hand job behind a
blanket dude like you're some kind of magician get a door whitey fuck dude i
hate that i'm sorry to be
upset with you something you seem like a great guy but i'm i when people get a
door man you have a
whole room and you don't have a fucking door let's hear more man this guy just
bust through my blanket
door or whatever it's a bl it's not a door don't say it's a door tree fort
whatever you want to call it
of a door and uh he's like oh my god don't ever let me see you doing that again
like dude this is my room
and here you're coming through my fucking blanket door like an animal and uh it
was just something
else brother well you put up a damn doggy door dude you can't be shocked if
somebody runs in through a
damn doggy door homie get well homie praise god brother let's hear more dude
hey theo my name is
mandy on your most recent episode you asked people to call in about the first
time that they um that
someone ever touched their genital area show they want that thug yes ma'am i
did thank you for uh
calling in about that onward and my uh now husband uh we've been dating since
we were both 15.
so when he was over at my house uh my parents they were out in our hot tub and
it was just us in the
living room and we were watching um the movie water boy whoa whoa if somebody
touches you you'll freaking
jump to water boy let's hear more and we started like making out and kissing
and i was wearing these like
dark jeans and he started he like put his hand down there and started like you
know rubbing the area
but oh my god he's a pervert but obviously you know we're 15 we don't know what
we're doing he's
like kind of you know being a little aggressive with it a little hard well my
mom came in from inside
and so we like panicked and like jumped up and then we looked at his hand and
his hand was dyed blue
like his fingers were dyed blue from rubbing my jeans so hard and then this is
kind of awkward because
we were only 15 so we couldn't drive home so then my mom had to drive him home
so i was a little
awkward but after that you know that was the first time so after that we got
kind of into it and he
ended up riding his bike through a blizzard for for a few miles uh to come do
it wow you rode a bike
through a blizzard to come dude that's craic i that's the kind of that i'm like
what
but you know we've all done things to ejaculate or to um i don't know what
women do but to
are you you know to pretend we're ejaculating um wow rude a bike through a blizzard
to come that's unbelievable well but yeah oh i can relate the jeans the pant
rubbing dude i remember
oh this is horrible
one of the first time i got so this girl like there was these two girls in
school when i was in like
seventh or eighth grade and they were like they had like drank alcohol and
smoked cigarettes and they
were like they knew about the world you know like they probably like played
with their you know but
you know vaginas or whatever and so my buddy and i went over there and i'm like
dude we can't go over
there dude these girls are like real girls like we can't handle that look we're
fucking idiots dude you
know we're eating lifesavers and stuff we can't what are we gonna do we go over
and this one girl i rubbed on her i just remember rubbing on her pants so hard
and she had had uh she
was dealing with a um menstrual cycle she was dealing with a menstrual cycle
that had come in or whatever
and i just remember
just just i mean rubbing on her like a damn genie lamp i mean just wishing just
wishing
and at a certain point you could see that it was like hey dude this ain't the
time to be using this
lamp so it's just i don't know i feel bad about some things but but yeah riding
driving through a
blizzard to ejaculate is insane let's hear more but again so yeah and now we're
married oh you're married
now well that's beautiful man god loves and god lives that's beautiful wow oh
man that's good thank
you so much for telling us that let's hear another call that came in and this
is about the first time
somebody ever touched your cross because there's there's you know there's some
times in your life
you remember there's times in life you don't first time you went to burger king
who gives an f dude my
mom used to work there i actually just found out that this weekend thanks mom
for waiting your
whole life to tell me stuff about you um let's hear another call hey theo uh
man the first time that
i got my genitals touched was uh i was about 13 i just hit puberty and uh it
was my 60 or 70 year old
doctor uh it seemed like after i hit puberty he would always ask my mom to go
out in the hallway and
so we can do the whatever and they'd fill me up and tell me to do different
tops and stuff like that so
it was definitely my doctor it sounds like you got molested buddy and i'm not
trying to accuse anybody
i don't know the guy but if you stand in there and the guy is like i'm gonna
hold your penis while you
cough the star spangled banner or whatever then you were getting molested dude
you know edit you know if the guy's like i'm gonna hold your penis while you
cough the lyric or you
know while you cough the beat to um forgot about dre then you got molested
you know and it's nothing personal and i feel sorry about it i don't know how
else to say it
um but yeah but yeah man you just got to take care of yourself dude and i hope
you're doing better
now and i really do hope that man i really do and i love you man let's hear
what else is going on
Thank you.