Name: Theo and Matt McCusker Tell Their Worst Break-Up Stories
Uploaded: 2024-08-29T15:00:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo and Matt McCusker Tell Their Worst Break-Up Stories' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo and Matt McCusker Tell Their Worst Break-Up Stories' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-29. Transcript available.

Yeah, and I was, like, divorced, freshly divorced, air mattress.
I think, actually, we met before I'd gotten totally divorced, actually.
Did you lose a lot of stuff in the divorce?
I had nothing.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah, I always hear people, like, oh, she took so much from me, and I'm like,
bro, I had nothing.
It was embarrassing.
I wish I lost stuff in the divorce, dude.
I had nothing.
You're still sending her stuff every now and then?
I should, man.
It was real.
It's fucked up.
But I just didn't have anything.
Do you remember the day you left in the divorce?
Dude, it's the saddest day.
It's for real the saddest.
Because she was a nice lady.
She sounds beautiful.
She was a very nice lady.
I just couldn't do it, dude.
Like, it was one of those things where I was living a life that it wasn't my
life.
It's the only way I can explain it.
Like, I wasn't, I was meant to do other stuff.
I could feel it, and it was just, like, I tried my best to get jobs.
And I'm like, dude, I can go straight and narrow.
Let's get a regular job.
That's all I wanted to do.
My dad was like that.
Like, have work at a place, come home, have kids.
I was all for that.
I just couldn't.
I was, like, warped.
I couldn't do it.
I tried, so.
So you really tried.
You made as much of an effort as you could.
But I learned I was severely handicapped in terms of, like, relating.
Like, I didn't, you don't realize how bad it is until you, like, live with a
woman for,
you know, a couple years.
Handicapped at what?
I'm sorry I stepped on you.
Like, emotional relation and trying to, like, like, see things from other
people's perspectives.
Like, I was totally unequipped.
But the day I left, Frill was one of the saddest.
It was, like, the saddest things ever.
It was, like, I was crying.
Where were you?
I was in Roxborough.
So in Philadelphia, like, just some area of Philly.
It was cool.
I liked the house.
We had a dog.
Yeah, we had a dog together.
And who did the dog come in your car or stayed?
It stayed.
It was her dog.
It was her dog first, to be fair.
But, uh...
Yeah, she was really nice, man.
Did you talk about taking the dog?
No, man.
I wasn't going to do that.
That would have been heartless to be, like...
When you said bye, like, was there a hug?
What was that kind of, like, final kind of moment like?
Just sad.
It was just, like, goodbye, you know?
Did she come out and walk you out or you said bye inside?
She was kicking around.
So it was kind of, like, there was a last glance.
And it was, it was for real.
It was, like, it's etched into my memory as one of, like, the saddest days of
my life.
Fuck.
Because I had never really felt anything about stuff like that.
Like, my relationships before that were, like, I would just develop a
girlfriend.
Like, we would just be, like, hooking up and then I'd be, like, oh, fuck, I got
a girlfriend.
And, you know, it was, like, very, very disassociated.
I'd just go through the motions.
This, I was, like, trying to put my best foot forward.
That was, like, the first time I really, like, I was, like, oh, I get what
people are talking about.
Like, with experiencing, like, serious heartbreak and all that stuff.
Just burnt you down?
Yeah, crushed me.
For real, it fucking crushed me.
Were you crying before you got in the car or did you get in?
I was crying.
I was crying on the way when I left.
I wasn't crying before I got in the car.
Then I was crying on the way.
It's hard to get the key in the thing sometimes if you're really fucking crying.
Yeah, dude, I was crying.
And to get the first, get in reverse and all that shit.
It was brutal.
I'd wait until I'm in Ford before I cry.
Yeah, and then I had to walk the dog every day because I was, like, look, I'll
come up and walk the dog while you're at work.
Like, don't, I didn't want her to stress about anything.
So I would go back in the house during work.
No one would be there and I'd walk the dog and it was just, just consumed with
guilt and just horrible feelings.
Just wandering through your old life like a fucking ghost.
Yeah, for real.
And I loved the dog, too.
And the dog looked, did the dog know, you think?
I don't know.
It was definitely pumped to see me.
It was always kind of pumped to see me, but I don't know.
I couldn't tell.
Sounds like it was maybe an SAE or something.
What's the SAE?
Sigma Alpha Epsilon.
It just sounds like the dog was in a frat or something.
It didn't have any fucking, just pumped to see you guys.
It was pumped.
Okay.
I would take it for a nice walk.
Oh, yeah, it's definitely a pike or something.
It was definitely a pike.
But, yeah, it was for real.
It was a big eye-opener for me, though, man.
That's when I started being like, okay, like, there's, because when you're
younger, you're just so in your own head where you're like, I'm the only person
with feelings that matter in this world.
Then you, like, really encounter, like, the depths of somebody else's, and you're
like, oh, this is, like, serious to, like, just fuck around with people's lives.
So it was a big eye-opener for me.
So I did the air mattress on my brother's house for a while.
That's heavy, dude.
It reminds me, I was in love with a girl in high school, right, when I was a
senior, and I was in there, and I remember I decided I was going to go away to
school in the University of Arizona.
And some people, when I, where I'm from, had never even heard of Arizona, right?
They didn't believe in it.
People, like, I showed her on a map, and they just, you know, they just called
me a map, f*** it, you know?
Like, it was crazy, some of the stuff that was happening.
And I remember just, like, she and I were, like, crying, like, in her living
room or whatever.
Yeah.
Oh, her mom let me, this was crazy, her mom let me stay over the last night I
was there, right?
Mm-hmm.
But her mom's, like, no funny business.
You guys can sleep in the same room, like, in the family room, right?
What's that about?
I don't know, dude, but here's the crazy part.
So, anyway, somebody started some funny business, and then I'm walking to go
get some water or something or get some piss out of my wiener or something.
Yeah.
And her mom's sitting right there in a chair.
What?
Yeah.
F***, man.
I still feel horrible about that.
And you could see that my wiener was still, like, wienering.
Yeah, you were pumped up.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
My wiener was like, it's a party, it's a party, it's a party.
And I was young, you know?
Did you say anything?
No, but I still feel how she felt.
Yeah.
I can still feel it.
But she loved me.
She loved, the mom loved me, and so she had, like, some respect for me.
She knew that I really loved her daughter.
That's warped, though, that she knew what you guys were going to, you know, she
has to have some sense.
But at least she was close enough there in the distance, almost like a bird mom,
you know?
Like, hey, I'm going to hang, I'm going to, you can stay in the nest, but I'm
going to be right here on the branch.
Oh, my God.
Just in case anybody falls out and breaks a wing or something, you know?
True, yeah.
Just in case you're going to rush in and, like, yo, slow down.
Yeah, just in case somebody fucking, yeah.
I have to put a worm in the wrong place, you know?
But what happened was then I, the next day, I told her, bye, at, like, this gas
station was this big sad thing, and we're both, like, bawling, crying, dude.
Yeah, fuck.
And then I drove off, and my fucking car overheated, like, 600 feet from the
gas station, dude.
And I had to fucking call her dad to come help me, dude.
That fucking sucks.
Because when your car overheats, you think if I drive faster, it starts to cool
down your engine.
Yeah.
But, yeah, that shit sucks.
That's embarrassing.
Ugh.
It was horrible, dude.
I remember pouring cold water through the fucking air vents trying to get it in
that way.
I've tried to do that a bunch of times.
It sucks, man.
It just drips out.
Just, yeah, that shit of just that heartbreak, dude.
Yeah, I had a real low point the one day when I was, I, uh, Shane was laughing
about this when I was telling him.
But I, like, had a real low point driving home the one day from walking the dog.
I'm crying.
I would cry every day.
I'm crying on the way home, driving down Kelly Drive.
And that's, like, in Philly, that's a big, like, outdoor green area.
People jog up and down there.
And some dude have really short shorts on.
And I, like, stopped at a light, and he, like, looked in the car, and I looked
at him and was like,
F*** you.
Yeah.
I was crying.
Oh, that's the Philadelphia National Anthem, dude.
Calling some other dude a f***ing.
Well, he was, like, looking in the car, and I was like, F***, what are you
looking at?
I tried to slam his shorts, and I was just visibly bawling, and I was like, it's
a low point.
I remember just being like, what the f*** was that all about, dude?
Dude, a straight dude crying, that's a hot dude to a gay dude, bro.
True, true.
He was probably just a dude wearing regular athletic gear.
He might not even be gay.
Yeah, that's true.
I like to think I didn't hate crime with a guy while I was crying, but I think
he was straight.
The guy was straight as hell.
The guy was so straight.
He said short shorts on.
Dude, I remember one time.
I was f***ing crying.
Yeah.
Oh, obviously, he's in the wrong.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.