Name: Matt McCusker Wants to Become a School Security Guard
Uploaded: 2024-11-13T15:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Matt McCusker Wants to Become a School Security Guard' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Matt McCusker Wants to Become a School Security Guard' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-13. Transcript available.

uh you're asking me what i've been up to i i've been visiting schools i now i
have to like look
at real schools because my you know my oldest daughter's like gonna turn five
so that's like
kindergarten so yes she has to get like the real school system and uh we were
looking at this one
place and they have plain clothes just like guards now with guns so it's kind
of sick i was like
dude i really want to retire and become plain clothes just walk around a school
just grow like
a ponytail and a teacher that's all you do all day you carry a gun you just
wait for like
some nerd to pop off and you just blast them dude that would be honorable man
but what if you
fucking what if you start tripping in your head and thinking that somebody's
like some kid is like
plotting it like i'm like the true detective i'm russ cole of school school
security i'd have to wait
till they pop they'd have to pull out first you think you would set a kid up is
that no i'm sad
you're saying like get like all tripped out like damn is this kid get paranoid
like i know these
like oh damien's up to some i know he's packing no i would just wait i would
chill i do my thing in the
moment one of those pulled out the steel i would just be there ready to die and
just walk them down
just go that's your job mr walk them down crayola style walk them down bro and
if i you know if i
died i'd die a hero you can't die dude some kid you get these two hands even a
whole thing
what if an adult kid sometimes like crazy oh that's true oh that's what i'm
saying yeah that's better
what's right yeah it's like evil nerds or a like just wild adult either one
could get it yeah either
one could get it oh but it's like dude that would be that would be i was just
at this school and it
was like like i saw the guy because they were like you know my wife said you
have security and like we
have plain clothes i'm like right on then i saw i was like kind of sussing out
like i see people
walking around yeah as soon as i saw like oh dude i'm like oh there's the plain
clothes security guard
yeah when i was young we just had like a milf with a hammer running around
we're lucky dude yeah we didn't have any security man yeah we didn't have we
did yeah now you need
it now you dude the plain clothes guys at school that would be so sick just
walking around chilling
knowing like yeah dude all i have to do is chill here listen to desperado on
your airpods non-stop
it'd be nothing but like that just enter sandman just yeah i would just be
getting hyped for like
30 years just being like let's go let's fucking walkin tom stand gun man damn
dude yeah by the end
of it i just be tipping my hat to the teachers like ma'am all black leather
cowboy outfit
can you be a little more low yeah you should once a week i'd roll a tumbleweed
before i walked anywhere
i just kick a tumbleweed across from me bro these people should have their own
tumbleweeds right
yeah dude just throw it on a string just fish it yeah a hero a hero should have
a couple tumbleweeds
in front of them dude true just give it i would just kick it as i walked or
even if some twinks
dressed up like in hay and stuff that'd be nice that would be nice spinning
around like a tonto
but yeah that was killing me dude i kept with my wife i was like bro wow i love
that's the one
thing we went to chicago and she was like crushing me because she's from there
so like when we were
visiting her family was like you got to be careful now like and like they're
they kept calling them
like the hop out boys which you know you shouldn't give these guys like a cool
name like that but
they're like dudes are just hopping out of cars with ar-15s and just carjacking
people so my wife
was telling me about it the whole time she hates when i do this but i'll be
like bro i wish a
motherfucker would pop out of me with that thing she's like dude it's not funny
it's very serious i was like bro
it'll be the worst day of that guy's life yeah would you please stop this is
serious i was like
i wish one of those would and the whole time we were there i was like please
please those guys don't
come but yeah you gotta you have it you cat a piece on you no i didn't have
anything i told her
i told her i was gonna grab the barrel and tie it in the knot and get the out
of here you punk
bro your wife is gonna be holding the blood into your body dude i just say that
to with her
in the reality yeah i would have bailed out my god you guys you can have the
car in the family i'm out
here dude do you think a wife likes it if the husband has a gun on him
definitely these days i
think they love that i mean dude like you could get the most like lib lady but
she's gonna love
all libs secretly i think i've even talked about this before all libs secretly
want just a red pill
badass in my experience well they want a dude with a gun i went to social work
school they a lot of the
women there secretly had like deeply conservative husbands who worked as like
financial guys and
these they were all like you know they just do it because they feel like
somebody has to promote
what would be idealistic i mean that's what a lot of like li i guess i don't
know i mean a lot of
people's view it's just like this ideally yes it would be awesome but some of
them it's just not
practical it's like like i have friends that like um will talk to me about like
well you guys have guns
there in america and stuff like that and it's just dangerous and why can't you
guys figure that out and
people want to have their guns it's like there's no way to not have it yeah the
bad guys have guns
already it's too late if you do a gun drive the good guys are just going to
give their guns away i know
you just have to have them dude and what are you going to call a policeman who
does if he doesn't
have a gun he's not coming to help you he's done yeah exactly what do you think
he's going to drive
bye-bye and honk at you guys while you're getting i know beaten or shot in the
yard yeah you can't
really do anything about it but i i do think yeah i think but ideally yes it'd
be great if there
weren't like i wish there weren't right but that has to go away quickly yeah
because there are people
shooting each other all the time oh yeah so you have to get past that idea yeah
yeah you're not going
to be able to the technology chains don't have to be an interchange because the
guns are there
criminals are going to have them and it's like yeah like what do you want to
not have one when
a criminal with a gun comes to you yeah it'd be great the government has to be
the one who takes
them then that's a whole other can of worms because it's like we're not giving
you my guns
no dude yeah so it's uh you know
Thank you.