Name: Dr. Ryan Martin's Advice on Teaching Kids How to Understand Their Feelings
Uploaded: 2024-11-18T12:01:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dr. Ryan Martin's Advice on Teaching Kids How to Understand Their Feelings' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dr. Ryan Martin's Advice on Teaching Kids How to Understand Their Feelings' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-18. Transcript available.

I grew up in a home where there was a lot of anger, right?
It was probably our number one emotion that we had.
You know, it was just farm to table there.
It was like, you got, it was 100% grass-fed anger.
All right.
You know, and it was, it was just the only way that we communicated.
How much of a responsibility is it of parents to, like, teach kids what their
feelings are?
Right. Yeah. I love this.
So real quick, when you say there was a lot of anger, was it mostly, like,
outward express, like yelling, screaming?
Yeah, mostly yelling, screaming, throwing things, judgment.
Okay.
Those are, like, the main emotions, you know, and then humor.
Okay. Nice.
So, but we, otherwise, it was just always, you knew somebody was going to be
angry.
Where were you in the, in the birth order?
I was number two. I have an older brother and two sisters.
Okay. And the sisters are both younger than you?
Yep. They're both younger.
And everybody's alive still, pretty much.
Okay. Pretty much.
Yeah. I mean, some people are, you know.
Got it.
They're willing to risk it all, you know, but some of us are doing our best.
So, but yeah.
Yeah.
So that's where we had, and that, it was just, there was a lot of anger in
there.
You know, I think that, what my feeling is with, with kids in particular, I
mean, we can think about this from the, well, I'll start with what I consider
to be sort of the golden rule of, of emotion and parenting.
Okay.
And that is that kids tend to express emotions the way their caregivers did.
And so they tend to, and it's, it's rooted in like age old psychology that we,
it's called modeling.
Right.
And so kids tend to model what their parents did that if, if mom or dad yell
and scream, kids tend to yell and scream as a way of, of dealing with emotions.
And, um, now there's some caveats that because simultaneously the, the other
side is that, you know, kids sometimes get rewarded or punished for emotional
expressions, um, of particular types.
Right.
So a kid hit somebody and they get punished for it.
Um, yeah.
Um, now oddly enough, sometimes they get punished for it by getting hit by, by
the parent, right?
Getting spanked or, or whatever.
Right.
That's kind of wild when you think about it like that.
Right.
And so, um, or they get in trouble for yelling by being yelled at, um, you know,
so they, there, there's all sorts of mixed messages there.
Um, but to me, I mean, some of the, the healthiest things you can do with kids
when you're, when you're trying to raise emotionally wise children is to talk
about feelings often to give them the, the, give them the language to have that
conversation, to help them identify what they're feeling.
Yeah.
I think that's a big problem for a lot of people, for a lot of kids and
continues is they don't know the difference between anger and sadness.
They don't know the difference between fear and anger.
Oh yeah.
I would just start vibe, you know, everybody needs to see that kid.
He's just vibrating in and know what's going on.
You got to show them a, um, flashcard or something, you know, say that's joy,
that's anger.
That's, but yeah, cause you don't know.
Right.
And so helping kids to, I mean, I, one of the things I like to do with my kids
and is, um, and liked when they were young is to like unpack those emotional
experiences with them and, and not just their own, but when they see a kid, you
know, melting down or a kid getting angry or sad or scared or whatever to, to
say, so what do you think's going on?
Like what, where did that come from?
Why, you know, if we're watching TV and a kid reacts some way.
Just so at least that they can have in their own head, like, okay, this is what
happens when this happens.
Yep.
This is what I look like when it happens.
This is where I can start to see in somebody else what's going on.
And then you'll recognize it in yourself and at least have some sort of, you'll
be the conductor in some way as much as you can.
Yep.
Maybe some of the outcomes, if not some of the origins of the feeling.
Yeah.
And then you can even talk through, you know, what are some options for them
now?
Right.
You know, those kids.
Right.
Yeah, you know, just had this, just is feeling really hurt.
What can, what can he or she do to deal with those feelings of hurt?
And I mean, I think those are all are like good, healthy ways.
But I think it starts with wanting to make sure people are having those
conversations, that people are really understanding it.
Because part of what happens too, is that people can realize that, you know,
that we like to believe, and I've even been saying, you know, look, your, your,
your feelings are one of the ways your brain tells you what, what's going on,
what you're experiencing.
That doesn't necessarily mean that they're rooted in logic or reality or that
they're even really valid.
That they're even really valid, right?
Right.
We, we can be angry over a misunderstanding.
We can be scared over something that's not really dangerous.
And the feelings are real, right?
And we shouldn't minimize that.
But we should take some time to like unpack them and talk about like, what,
what is, what's going on?
Why, why are you feeling this way?
Yeah, I think that kind of stuff is important, at least because I think for
myself a long time, I didn't know a lot of feelings I was even having.
I didn't know, I only knew a couple, like, I, I remember like, yeah, like
certain things would go on and I wouldn't really have any feelings about it.
And I was like, man, I never really had a lot of feelings.
So I think sometimes talking with your kids, like, oh, this is a feeling.
That's what that is.
This is what's going on.
Because otherwise you can just think you're bonkers as a child, you know, like
if somebody doesn't tell you kind of what's happening with you.
Well, a lot of times kids aren't really allowed to have feelings, right?
I mean, that like that, that they're shamed for them, that the message is, hey,
hold that in.
Don't let people see that.
And then, I mean, of course that's going to continue into, into adulthood where,
where they're just, they don't feel like they're allowed.
They don't feel like it's safe to express that stuff.
I was thinking if you allow your kids, right, like, like space to feel their
feelings, okay, does that create in them, like, you know, recognize they're
feeling something, allow them a little space to feel it, right?
Yeah.
Does that create like more of like an emotional resilience in them, which would
just then like, then when they're angry again, it would just kind of become
another emotion to them sort of like, um, does that make any sense?
Yeah, I mean, I think what, what you really want.
So then in the future, they could cope better.
So if it happens to them next time, it'd be like, okay.
Yep.
Because what you really want is, I mean, you want a situation where your kids
can, when they're feeling something, A, know what they're feeling, B, have a
sense for where it's coming from, understand like its root causes, be able to
critically evaluate those root causes, and then know what to do with it, right?
And, and I mean, and that's a, that's a level of sophistication that I don't
think, frankly, most people are capable of, but it's because we haven't given
them the space or the tools to do that over their lifetime.
And I think we're way better than that at this as a society now than we were
when you and I were kids, right?
Like we're way better at, at trying to provide those tools to, to kids, but it
comes with them.
It, it, it comes with people being able to have those conversations to say, Hey,
but let's talk about what you're feeling right now.
Not in a, like necessarily a judgment or punishy way.
Like, Hey, you just got real mad.
You hit your brother.
Let's, let's have a conversation about that.
Let's talk about better ways to, to handle that.
Let's make sure we make up for what we did.
So it's not like it's consequence free.
People oftentimes accuse me of being sort of wimpy and like, Hey, you're, you're
letting your kids walk all over you.
They got to get punished or whatever.
That's, it's not that it's consequence free.
It's like, no, we're going to, we're going to deal with, with those, with those
feelings, um, and, and try and figure out sort of the best way to handle it.
And yeah, that, that helps them develop that emotional resilience going forward.
Yeah.
At least having some emotional understanding of yourself.
Yep.
But how do you then like put the cap on it where you're like, yeah, it's okay.
If my kid is, you know, like, um, we're like, how do we not turn into one of
these societies where it's just like, Oh, I don't.
Feel like going to work today.
So I'm not going to go.
Yeah.
You know, like that's nobody ever feels like going to worry.
That's the first thing I should tell you when you go, when you ever go to
school.
Yeah.
One day you're going to go to work and nobody's going to feel like it.
That should be the first thing that they teach us.
Yeah.
No, I mean, it's true.
Like the message also has to be that your emotions alone aren't necessarily
reason not to do something.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, that's the, you know, I, I have, uh, I have two kids.
Um, both of them are, are very, very awesome in, in different ways.
Um, but the, you know, the one is he's, he's a performer, he's a dancer and he's
in, um, a lot of musicals and things like that.
And he, one of the things that I can say about him is people, people often talk
about how brave he is and he is, but I know him well enough to know that he, he
gets real anxious about, about performing in those things.
He's feeling that fear.
It's not that he's not scared.
It's that he knows how to do things anyways.
And that's where you want people to get, like, you want people to get to a
point of right now, you know what, I'm feeling sad and I don't feel like being
able to go, I don't feel like going to work, but I also need to do it.
And I understand what my responsibilities are and I can work through that.
Um, and, and I think like there's, there's something to be said for, I mean, to
me, that's a big part of what emotional resilience is.
It's being able to, to feel things and then overcome those feelings at times.
Right.
Yeah.
And I think if you give your kids space for that, it feels like you're going to,
that that's a armor you can create in them as well.
Yep.
It's like, Hey, you feel sad right now, or you feel a little disappointed.
This is how you can manage that right now.
And look, five minutes later, wow, look, we're right back to where we were
before.
Everything's good.
So then when they have those things happen in their own lives, when you're not
around, they're going to have like some sort of, even if it's just brief little
check-ins from a parent are huge.
Well, you can, I mean, that's the thing.
I mean, and this isn't just about parenting.
This is about being a supervisor.
It's about being a human being.
You can be sensitive and have expectations.
Yeah.
Right.
You can, you can be sensitive to your, your kids' emotional needs and have
things you expect them to do.
You can be sensitive to your employees and have expectations of them.
Right.
You know, and, and frankly, you can be sensitive to yourself and you can be
sort of patient and caring with yourself and still have expectations for, for
what you want to accomplish.
When it comes to, to kids, one of the, probably the most important things to do
is, is help them develop the tools that allow them to sort of find ways to
decrease their anger in the moment.
Right.
And that's oftentimes for kids going to be deep breathing.
It's going to be distraction is actually a really good one.
So find something else you can do for a little while.
Maybe it's, and we talked about drawing earlier, maybe it's playing with Legos,
maybe it's petting your dog, whatever, things like that, that, that allow you
to, to sort of deescalate.
Yeah.
Um, the other side of it is, you know, helping kids identify where they have
some control and this is harder with kids.
Cause I think they have a little less control in their, their day-to-day life.
Where can kids have control in their, um, uh, surroundings and their
environment?
How can they sort of do less of the things that, um, that provoke, uh, that
might provoke anger?
Right.
Uh, my, my son is a, my other son is a diehard basketball fan.
Um, and he's, he's a player and fan.
And so we've been watching the NBA quite a bit.
Um, I'm from Minnesota originally.
So, okay.
So you guys are in, huh?
Yeah.
So we're, we're Timberwolves fans, but you know, and he handles, you know, they,
they won last night.
That was great.
Uh, but they've been, um, you know, they're, they're down a couple of games.
Down 3-1, yeah.
Yeah.
And he, he handles it well, but you know, it, it takes a toll on him.
Like he gets sad and he's 12 years old.
He gets sad when they, uh, when they lose.
And so that's the kind of thing that like over time, you know, you want to
think about it.
You want to think about what kind of impact that's having.
You want to think about how much it's influencing you.
You want to think about whether or not you, as a parent, you mean, yeah, like a
kid doing
something, if it's something that like what they're engaged, what they're
absorbing, you
mean?
Yeah.
I mean, as a parent, you want, you want them to be thinking about how much time
they're
spending and this thing that ends up having, taking an emotional toll on them.
Yeah.
Is it good to let your children feel anger?
Is it?
Yeah, I think so.
I mean, I think like anything, I mean, up, up to a point, you know, I think it's
good to
let them because that's how they're going to deal with the, I mean, I think the
art of
dealing with emotions is, is it's, I liken it to exercise.
I saw a post of yours working out the other day, right?
You're on a run or something like that.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
I like to run.
Yeah.
Me too.
Every day.
You do?
I do.
Yeah.
Wow.
Um, I think it's great.
Great for my mental health.
Great for, for everything.
Um, but it, the thing about, um, I, I think it's similar dealing with emotions
is similar
to exercise in that, you know, when you exercise, you push yourself to a place
of discomfort,
but never so uncomfortable that it's actually harmful.
Right.
And I think you can do the same thing with emotions.
You can push yourself into a zone where this emotion is uncomfortable with me
for me, but
it's not so uncomfortable that I'm, I'm suffering.
Right.
And so it's like, I want to feel some fear because I want to get used to
dealing with
that discomfort and I want to sort of learn to, to cope with it, but I don't
want to feel
so much fear that I'm like on the floor shaking or anything like that.
Yeah.
And, and with kids, I want them to feel, I want them to feel some anxiety and
learn that
they can just do the thing anyways.
Yeah.
I want them to feel some fear, some anger and learn that they can do the thing
anyways.
Um, and work through it and that that's a good, healthy way to be.
Yeah.
It's just interesting when you think about like that, it's a parent's
responsibility to do
all of that.
Right.
You know, like how many little things that they learned because of how the
parents let
them absorb it or.
And that's, I think one of the challenges is I imagine that, you know, um, you
know,
our parents, our parents' age, um, didn't, um, it wasn't on their radar to be
thinking
about stuff like this.
No.
You know, that they just didn't know.
And so they weren't necessarily attuned to like what, what kids might need, uh,
or benefit
from, from an emotional perspective.
Yeah.
It was a different time.

Dr. Ryan Martin's Advice on Teaching Kids How to Understand Their Feelings

I grew up in a home where there was a lot of anger, right?
It was probably our number one emotion that we had.
You know, it was just farm to table there.
It was like, you got, it was 100% grass-fed anger.
All right.
You know, and it was, it was just the only way that we communicated.
How much of a responsibility is it of parents to, like, teach kids what their
feelings are?
Right. Yeah. I love this.
So real quick, when you say there was a lot of anger, was it mostly, like,
outward express, like yelling, screaming?
Yeah, mostly yelling, screaming, throwing things, judgment.
Okay.
Those are, like, the main emotions, you know, and then humor.
Okay. Nice.
So, but we, otherwise, it was just always, you knew somebody was going to be
angry.
Where were you in the, in the birth order?
I was number two. I have an older brother and two sisters.
Okay. And the sisters are both younger than you?
Yep. They're both younger.
And everybody's alive still, pretty much.
Okay. Pretty much.
Yeah. I mean, some people are, you know.
Got it.
They're willing to risk it all, you know, but some of us are doing our best.
So, but yeah.
Yeah.
So that's where we had, and that, it was just, there was a lot of anger in
there.
You know, I think that, what my feeling is with, with kids in particular, I
mean, we can think about this from the, well, I'll start with what I consider
to be sort of the golden rule of, of emotion and parenting.
Okay.
And that is that kids tend to express emotions the way their caregivers did.
And so they tend to, and it's, it's rooted in like age old psychology that we,
it's called modeling.
Right.
And so kids tend to model what their parents did that if, if mom or dad yell
and scream, kids tend to yell and scream as a way of, of dealing with emotions.
And, um, now there's some caveats that because simultaneously the, the other
side is that, you know, kids sometimes get rewarded or punished for emotional
expressions, um, of particular types.
Right.
So a kid hit somebody and they get punished for it.
Um, yeah.
Um, now oddly enough, sometimes they get punished for it by getting hit by, by
the parent, right?
Getting spanked or, or whatever.
Right.
That's kind of wild when you think about it like that.
Right.
And so, um, or they get in trouble for yelling by being yelled at, um, you know,
so they, there, there's all sorts of mixed messages there.
Um, but to me, I mean, some of the, the healthiest things you can do with kids
when you're, when you're trying to raise emotionally wise children is to talk
about feelings often to give them the, the, give them the language to have that
conversation, to help them identify what they're feeling.
Yeah.
I think that's a big problem for a lot of people, for a lot of kids and
continues is they don't know the difference between anger and sadness.
They don't know the difference between fear and anger.
Oh yeah.
I would just start vibe, you know, everybody needs to see that kid.
He's just vibrating in and know what's going on.
You got to show them a, um, flashcard or something, you know, say that's joy,
that's anger.
That's, but yeah, cause you don't know.
Right.
And so helping kids to, I mean, I, one of the things I like to do with my kids
and is, um, and liked when they were young is to like unpack those emotional
experiences with them and, and not just their own, but when they see a kid, you
know, melting down or a kid getting angry or sad or scared or whatever to, to
say, so what do you think's going on?
Like what, where did that come from?
Why, you know, if we're watching TV and a kid reacts some way.
Just so at least that they can have in their own head, like, okay, this is what
happens when this happens.
Yep.
This is what I look like when it happens.
This is where I can start to see in somebody else what's going on.
And then you'll recognize it in yourself and at least have some sort of, you'll
be the conductor in some way as much as you can.
Yep.
Maybe some of the outcomes, if not some of the origins of the feeling.
Yeah.
And then you can even talk through, you know, what are some options for them
now?
Right.
You know, those kids.
Right.
Yeah, you know, just had this, just is feeling really hurt.
What can, what can he or she do to deal with those feelings of hurt?
And I mean, I think those are all are like good, healthy ways.
But I think it starts with wanting to make sure people are having those
conversations, that people are really understanding it.
Because part of what happens too, is that people can realize that, you know,
that we like to believe, and I've even been saying, you know, look, your, your,
your feelings are one of the ways your brain tells you what, what's going on,
what you're experiencing.
That doesn't necessarily mean that they're rooted in logic or reality or that
they're even really valid.
That they're even really valid, right?
Right.
We, we can be angry over a misunderstanding.
We can be scared over something that's not really dangerous.
And the feelings are real, right?
And we shouldn't minimize that.
But we should take some time to like unpack them and talk about like, what,
what is, what's going on?
Why, why are you feeling this way?
Yeah, I think that kind of stuff is important, at least because I think for
myself a long time, I didn't know a lot of feelings I was even having.
I didn't know, I only knew a couple, like, I, I remember like, yeah, like
certain things would go on and I wouldn't really have any feelings about it.
And I was like, man, I never really had a lot of feelings.
So I think sometimes talking with your kids, like, oh, this is a feeling.
That's what that is.
This is what's going on.
Because otherwise you can just think you're bonkers as a child, you know, like
if somebody doesn't tell you kind of what's happening with you.
Well, a lot of times kids aren't really allowed to have feelings, right?
I mean, that like that, that they're shamed for them, that the message is, hey,
hold that in.
Don't let people see that.
And then, I mean, of course that's going to continue into, into adulthood where,
where they're just, they don't feel like they're allowed.
They don't feel like it's safe to express that stuff.
I was thinking if you allow your kids, right, like, like space to feel their
feelings, okay, does that create in them, like, you know, recognize they're
feeling something, allow them a little space to feel it, right?
Yeah.
Does that create like more of like an emotional resilience in them, which would
just then like, then when they're angry again, it would just kind of become
another emotion to them sort of like, um, does that make any sense?
Yeah, I mean, I think what, what you really want.
So then in the future, they could cope better.
So if it happens to them next time, it'd be like, okay.
Yep.
Because what you really want is, I mean, you want a situation where your kids
can, when they're feeling something, A, know what they're feeling, B, have a
sense for where it's coming from, understand like its root causes, be able to
critically evaluate those root causes, and then know what to do with it, right?
And, and I mean, and that's a, that's a level of sophistication that I don't
think, frankly, most people are capable of, but it's because we haven't given
them the space or the tools to do that over their lifetime.
And I think we're way better than that at this as a society now than we were
when you and I were kids, right?
Like we're way better at, at trying to provide those tools to, to kids, but it
comes with them.
It, it, it comes with people being able to have those conversations to say, Hey,
but let's talk about what you're feeling right now.
Not in a, like necessarily a judgment or punishy way.
Like, Hey, you just got real mad.
You hit your brother.
Let's, let's have a conversation about that.
Let's talk about better ways to, to handle that.
Let's make sure we make up for what we did.
So it's not like it's consequence free.
People oftentimes accuse me of being sort of wimpy and like, Hey, you're, you're
letting your kids walk all over you.
They got to get punished or whatever.
That's, it's not that it's consequence free.
It's like, no, we're going to, we're going to deal with, with those, with those
feelings, um, and, and try and figure out sort of the best way to handle it.
And yeah, that, that helps them develop that emotional resilience going forward.
Yeah.
At least having some emotional understanding of yourself.
Yep.
But how do you then like put the cap on it where you're like, yeah, it's okay.
If my kid is, you know, like, um, we're like, how do we not turn into one of
these societies where it's just like, Oh, I don't.
Feel like going to work today.
So I'm not going to go.
Yeah.
You know, like that's nobody ever feels like going to worry.
That's the first thing I should tell you when you go, when you ever go to
school.
Yeah.
One day you're going to go to work and nobody's going to feel like it.
That should be the first thing that they teach us.
Yeah.
No, I mean, it's true.
Like the message also has to be that your emotions alone aren't necessarily
reason not to do something.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, that's the, you know, I, I have, uh, I have two kids.
Um, both of them are, are very, very awesome in, in different ways.
Um, but the, you know, the one is he's, he's a performer, he's a dancer and he's
in, um, a lot of musicals and things like that.
And he, one of the things that I can say about him is people, people often talk
about how brave he is and he is, but I know him well enough to know that he, he
gets real anxious about, about performing in those things.
He's feeling that fear.
It's not that he's not scared.
It's that he knows how to do things anyways.
And that's where you want people to get, like, you want people to get to a
point of right now, you know what, I'm feeling sad and I don't feel like being
able to go, I don't feel like going to work, but I also need to do it.
And I understand what my responsibilities are and I can work through that.
Um, and, and I think like there's, there's something to be said for, I mean, to
me, that's a big part of what emotional resilience is.
It's being able to, to feel things and then overcome those feelings at times.
Right.
Yeah.
And I think if you give your kids space for that, it feels like you're going to,
that that's a armor you can create in them as well.
Yep.
It's like, Hey, you feel sad right now, or you feel a little disappointed.
This is how you can manage that right now.
And look, five minutes later, wow, look, we're right back to where we were
before.
Everything's good.
So then when they have those things happen in their own lives, when you're not
around, they're going to have like some sort of, even if it's just brief little
check-ins from a parent are huge.
Well, you can, I mean, that's the thing.
I mean, and this isn't just about parenting.
This is about being a supervisor.
It's about being a human being.
You can be sensitive and have expectations.
Yeah.
Right.
You can, you can be sensitive to your, your kids' emotional needs and have
things you expect them to do.
You can be sensitive to your employees and have expectations of them.
Right.
You know, and, and frankly, you can be sensitive to yourself and you can be
sort of patient and caring with yourself and still have expectations for, for
what you want to accomplish.
When it comes to, to kids, one of the, probably the most important things to do
is, is help them develop the tools that allow them to sort of find ways to
decrease their anger in the moment.
Right.
And that's oftentimes for kids going to be deep breathing.
It's going to be distraction is actually a really good one.
So find something else you can do for a little while.
Maybe it's, and we talked about drawing earlier, maybe it's playing with Legos,
maybe it's petting your dog, whatever, things like that, that, that allow you
to, to sort of deescalate.
Yeah.
Um, the other side of it is, you know, helping kids identify whe