Name: The Legend of Riley Mau (Complete Saga)
Uploaded: 2025-01-01T14:30:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Legend of Riley Mau (Complete Saga)' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Legend of Riley Mau (Complete Saga)' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-01. Transcript available.

The Legend of Riley Mau (Complete Saga)

On the back end today, I got a local sidekick, this fellow Riley.
Riley Mao. And you're of age, right? I am. Okay, beautiful man.
You know, and a lot of people are like, why is Riley in here? Why is he in the
room?
It's usually a solo episode. And I don't know the answer.
You know, I just, I don't know the answer.
You know, I was nervous. I'm in a new place. We're trying something new.
By just being in a new place. Nick isn't here.
Nick came here for a few days.
He seemed a little stoned when he showed up.
That's judgment. Is that judgment, Riley?
I don't think it is.
Thanks. And what is Riley short for, bud?
Riley.
Okay, man. Okay, so nothing. See, back in the old days, you'd have a longer
name, you know?
Rolandro. You would be, you know, Rolandro or, you know, LeRiley or something
longer.
And Riley would be short for something.
Right. Nope, I'm just Riley.
Okay.
All right, beautiful man.
And you are, you're, I don't want to say you are from originally California?
Correct.
But by way of Japan and Hawaii?
I guess so, yeah.
Okay.
I guess my, yeah, my grand, my grandparents, correct.
Beautiful man.
Yeah, then beautiful J. Haas, baby, I love Hawaii.
Do you, where you're from, do you guys use a lot of profanity or what is it
like over there?
So, I am a Christian and an Eagle Scout.
I don't do swearing at all.
Okay.
That's just not me.
But I mean, hey, I don't, I don't judge.
Okay.
Riley, Mau, anything else you need to say, man?
No, I think this was a, this was great.
I loved being here.
Great to be here.
I like your attitude, brother.
I like your attitude, man.
What else has been going on?
Anything else?
I mean, I had my, I had a first, a lot of firsts, I should say.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Like, what do you mean?
Like a, like a.
Try to guess.
Okay.
What, so first kiss, maybe?
Yep, bingo.
No way.
Yeah, it was, it was great.
It was a good time.
No way.
And so what happened?
Take me through some of that.
You got the, so this is what the, the, your buddy's, girlfriend's friend?
Buddy's girlfriend's friend.
Yes.
So we ended up watching Nightmare Before Christmas and I, I was, I was kind of
drunk.
I was like, not feeling great.
And so she was like, yeah, do you want to sit on the couch?
And I was like, yeah, that would probably be great.
So she took my hand.
So she took the lead.
It sounds like.
She did.
But the thing is, when she took my hand, she didn't take it, you know, like,
you know,
just holding onto me or whatever, grab my arm or whatever.
No, she literally did the full on, like, closed hand.
You probably can't see it because of the monitor.
Yeah, I can't see it.
But it's, it's, um, that guy.
Oh, wow.
The full, the full, the full closed hand thing and interlocking fingers.
And I was like, hmm, okay.
Um, I can roll with this.
So then you guys were sitting on the couch?
So, yeah, we were sitting on the couch and it was, it was all four of us.
We were watching Nightmare Before Christmas.
And were you nervous?
Um, at, well, at that point I was like, okay, you know, this is, this is fine.
I didn't think anything about like, you know, first kiss or anything like that.
So I was like, okay, you know, I was totally fine.
Like, you know, she, she was comforting me.
It was great.
Uh, she was cuddling with me slowly more and more.
And I was like, hmm, okay, I'm liking this.
Dang, boy.
And so then.
Feeling erect, bro.
So then my, um, uh, my, uh, my friend Joe and his girlfriend,
they went down to pick up some cookout from one of my friends that brought it
for us.
Ooh, now that's always the moment, bro, when, when the other couple leaves the
room,
suddenly the heat is on.
Right.
He took his girl with him.
Yeah.
He took his girl with him and I knew what he was getting at.
Of course, man.
That's bro code shit, bro.
So then after they left, we were talking a little bit and then, yeah, we just,
yeah, she, she made the first move and it was great.
She did.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
A lot of firsts for me, I gotta say, because that's also a first, her making
the first move.
Wow.
Oh, and so how long did it last?
Quite some time.
I gotta say.
Yeah.
Huh?
The Jess Lockwood ellipse over here.
Dang, bro.
And so was there any, like, was it, did you guys just kiss for a while and then
separate?
Was there like a snuggle at night or what was the deal?
It was a snuggle.
It was a nice snuggle.
I gotta say.
Were you pretty drunk?
At that time, no, I wasn't.
And you, did you get drunk or?
We both weren't.
No.
Okay.
No.
So I know for a fact it was definitely real.
It was definitely something, not just drunkenness.
So did you get her number or what's the deal, man?
I have her number, I have her Instagram, Snapchat, all of that.
You have mail.
And yeah, it was, it was a lot of fun.
So she's back at home, but I've been texting her back and forth.
Wow.
You think there's something up maybe?
Possibly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We were talking about it, maybe, but she's coming back.
Yeah, she is.
Oh yeah.
She comes back to Nashville about once a month, I found out.
It's suddenly how suddenly they come back once a month, you know, just the old,
it's the way it is, man.
Exactly.
Wow.
Riley Mao, you're growing up, brother.
First kiss ever, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was pretty excited.
It was a great time.
Dude, that's awesome, man.
That's awesome, man.
And was she a redhead?
Maybe.
How'd you know?
I just felt it.
Riley Mao, how you doing, brother?
Good.
All right, man.
You know, it's been a while and people have been asking about you and I just
wanted to know what, the last we heard from you, you had a love in your life
and you had come across some love.
And do you remember that?
I do.
Okay, good.
And tell me about that, the girl.
Madison was her name.
Things just didn't work out between us.
So we just, we just, she went back to a different state and we just never saw
each other again.
And when you say that things didn't work out, what does it mean?
Because you really felt, I felt like you were into this gal.
I was indeed.
But, you know, hey, things happen.
Like what?
I mean, I don't want to get into too much detail, obviously.
But, I mean, it just, I mean, she basically just saw another guy.
She was interested in another guy.
Really?
And did you ever meet this guy?
No.
No, he's in her state as well.
Oh, it's easier.
Yeah.
So she's taking the easy way out, kind of hitting on some, a local guy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I hate when chicks do that.
Oh, he's in, he lives in my state.
I'm going to, I'm going to hook up with him, you know?
What, what, how, what else has been going on?
And how has love treated you since then?
Has there been anything new on the love horizon?
Not yet, but, but I, you will be the first to know.
What?
What, when something happens.
Oh, okay.
Nothing has happened.
No, not yet.
Okay.
Riley, how are you today?
I feel like I'm in the presence of just, like, Barbra Streisand.
I adore you, Riley.
Japanese greatness right there.
That's right.
Are you Japanese, Riley?
I am.
There you go.
Hell yeah.
How's church?
It's pretty great.
Great.
I love that for you.
You're a man of God.
I'm a woman of the Lord, so that's why he just opened the door earlier and we
just connected.
I felt the Holy Spirit there.
I could see that.
I felt it.
Yeah.
Riley, last year, got his first kiss, actually.
Oh, hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
How was it, tongue?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It was pretty great.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
Cleaning the palate, baby, with that freaking little ginger snap.
There you go.
Now, Riley, I'm a great matchmaker.
That's just, like, one of my talents.
So, if you, if you tell me, like, what you like, I mean, you can be very
specific with
it.
If you're, like, I want her to have green eyes and, you know, be into anime and,
you know, love
Chipotle, like, I will find her.
So, don't ever feel like you can ask me.
I will find you.
Dr. Suss.
They call him Dr. Suss.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah.
We'll talk afterwards.
Green eyes and breasts.
What do you like, Riley, honestly, if you are looking for a woman?
And I think Heather's very serious about that.
I am.
That she would consider helping you out, brother.
I am.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm more of the, I don't, I don't, I'm, I'm honestly open to anything.
Not, not anything, anything, but like, I mean.
Like, give us one.
One detail.
Yeah.
Give us a detail.
Like, you talking.
So, are we talking five to six feet?
What are we talking?
Yeah.
Cool.
Honestly, as tall as you want.
Like, six foot four?
I mean, you know, do you want to be cuddled at night?
Like, you got, just give me specifics.
How do you want to feel on a date?
Okay.
I like being cuddled.
Okay.
Great.
All right.
So, a larger woman.
Okay.
Larger woman.
Fantastic.
I mean, I'd like to cuddle her as well.
Oh, okay.
So, maybe she has one short leg, one long leg.
Yeah.
You want to backpack it, huh?
Okay.
Exactly.
Okay.
Yeah.
Let's see what else.
Fantastic.
That's all I need.
Right there.
I got it.
I just, hold on.
And it's about what you get out of them.
It's a, you know, it's a, it's a waiting game.
Give me a blonde.
Give me a blonde.
It's a game show.
You say, give me a blonde?
Give me a blonde.
Oh, Riley.
Okay, now we're freaking saying something.
Okay, there we go.
See, I like that.
And it's okay.
I think men now feel intimidated, like they can't say what they want.
But just be honest about it.
Like, I have a very specific time.
I want a woman.
Yeah, I want a woman.
That's fine.
I want somebody with a vagina, you know.
Yeah, I prefer that.
And a good attitude.
And that, we can find that.
There's plenty of women out there with vaginas and good attitudes.
Now, Riley, because we haven't even really gotten into this, Riley, and I know,
have
you been, uh.
Really?
I actually feel like there's been a little sexual energy between us.
I really do.
I do.
Yeah.
I mean, do you feel that way?
Oh, yeah.
Okay, good.
Go ahead.
Riley is, I mean, all he has is sexual energy.
Yeah, honestly, radiates it.
Radiates sexual energy.
And I don't think you're living your truth.
So, I think, I'm going to get you with a broad-shouldered, thin-ankled, just
big-tittied, blonde girl.
Who loves the Lord.
You know?
She's in the youth.
No, not youth.
Sorry, God.
No.
She's a youth group leader, but she is an adult.
Look, let's be honest.
At some churches, she could be, as long as she's kind of like, uh, as long as
she's
a pastor in training, a PIT or whatever.
Pastor in training.
Or a pastress.
Yeah.
Whatever it is.
Mm-hmm.
You know.
But I see it.
And I just ask one thing.
If I find you your wife, can I please officiate the wedding?
Sure.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
Okay, great.
I love it.
Look.
Who knows what could happen?
Magic.
It could be how magic starts.
You remember your first time, Bucko?
Uh, no.
No, it never happened.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
You've never masturbated?
No.
Oh, my gosh, brother.
Mm-hmm.
Wow, man.
What is that called?
Is that, what do you guys call that?
Nothing, really.
There's got to be a special nickname.
I think in gay culture, if it's a man, in gay culture, a guy that's never
kissed a woman
is called a golden Oreo.
Mm-hmm.
So, I wonder what that is.
My God, brother.
Damn.
You must have just baby's breath inside of your nuts right now.
That is damn beautiful, brother.
Congratulations, man.
Thank you.
You think you'll be able to hold the line?
Are you trying to hold the line until marriage, you think, or just until a
relationship?
Yeah, until marriage.
Wow.
Good for you, brother.
And do you feel like you have more of an inner strength going on?
I do.
Yeah.
You know, I had breakfast with a guy a couple weeks ago, and he'd never masturbated,
and
I was just so jealous.
Because the rest, because I masturbated, honestly, less than probably 11 hours
ago or 12 hours
ago.
I couldn't get to sleep, and I just felt the devil just climbing up and down my
penis, and
I just had to do something.
When you get that feeling, what do you do?
Just chill out?
Put your hands on ice or what?
I don't really get the feeling.
Damn.
Now, what if you get an erection in your body?
What do you do?
I can't say I get that either.
What?
Really?
Mm-hm