Name: Ochocinco's Rules for Dating and Procreating
Uploaded: 2025-05-21T16:33:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ochocinco's Rules for Dating and Procreating' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ochocinco's Rules for Dating and Procreating' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-21. Transcript available.

do you feel like it's risky like with uh athletes and stuff there's a lot of
like
you know there's a lot of potential for to get in a sticky situations because a
lot of athletes
they're you know they're people know that they have money yeah they're they're
in great shape
you know it seems to be like it happens more often than not these days most
definitely most
definitely you i mean you got it you got to be cautious you got to be weary and
always understand
that you know sometimes most of those that you'll deal with most of those who
will deal with you
it's because of what you can do and not who you are how do you try and figure
that out like uh
you can't you don't think you can't figure it out because because you've got
you have you always have
to lead lean into it with that same thought process like what are you saying
you have to understand
especially when you have money and you have things going on for yourself would
you be able to get the
same girl that's with you now if you didn't have it nine times nine times out
of ten absolutely not
not that's just that's reality you know i don't know and that goes that goes
for every that goes
for any and everybody you know like that's just life that's just the way it is
right you could if
you lost the ability to provide the woman you're with right now would she still
be there
and that's probably for any man really almost in any space period if you lost
the ability to provide
yeah period or do the things or give her the lifestyle that you've been able to
what was she
doing before you came along yeah and look what you've done with that certain
individual that you're
with you know and depending on how much money you have your leash is very long
and when things hit
the roof most of the time when she leaves you she has to take that money with
her to continue that
lifestyle oh yeah that's a tough spot then because your money is gonna get uh
kind of uh divided up
yeah do you have you have a lot you have a decent amount of children yeah a lot
85 you have 85 is that
your goal yeah yeah well you gotta get that was my goal but then also the
people i've had kids with
we were all on one accord look what does that mean i only dated women that were
athletic
i'm not having kids just to just to have kids oh so do you have some strategy
yeah there was
strategy behind mine i don't care about you being a bad bitch i don't care
about you being on ig with
your ass out i don't know bbls i don't i mean that's fine whatever you need to
do to to feel
better about yourself i'm fine with that but i needed and only dated women that
were athletic so my
kids had a head start on that foundation of athletic ability that's it so i
look at women i look at
ankles yeah because i look at some track do you see some of them track women
yeah my my daughter run
track at university of kentucky now oh really yeah i live in nashville man that's
not far for real yeah
if you go up to a game if you go to see a meet i'll come up there and meet up
with you guys in
lexington yeah dude that'd be awesome yeah because i bet they'll also run
against lsu i want to lsu if
they run against lsu or vanderbilt dude that'd be sick bro i'll come up there
man yeah and i i don't
have never have really have this there she is yeah this is when she was young
and she's good huh oh
yeah she can go she can go she can't beat me but she can go do you think she'll
be able to beat you
at some point absolutely not because before my any of my listen listen before
my kids beat me in
anything i would trip her i'm just being honest i would trip her before she
beat me
yeah yeah not not happening not happening did um dang so you so was her mother
athletic
absolutely yeah dude you see those track ladies all of them oh did you cheer
did you play volleyball
did you run track volleyball yeah i mean just i just need to see cheer
sometimes you get these
little nuggets they get them little mac nuggets out there i know i can tell
because when i go on
dates i like to go places where you have to you have to show me athletic
ability go to dave and
buses can you shoot now if you don't have no form and can't shoot i can't do
nothing with you
can't go bowling go roller skating you know that's a good one so i i hold my
own
my own um roller skating but it's ice skating for black people right there that's
what that is dude
uh the combine i hold my own combine oh they think we're going on dates little
do you know i'm really
i'm taking notes okay you can bowl okay you don't really have any coordination
skating but i can work
on that come on yeah go to the gym oh a gym date oh please take them to the gym
on a second date
yeah yeah first date dave and busters you know check out coordination let me
see how your lateral
movement is yeah that's that's hey are you laughing that shit is important no
it looks sometimes listen
you i see some some of these guys that's a good point yeah they date women oh
she's so fine she's
on ig live she fine as hell blah blah you have a child your child got two left
feet and you wonder
why your child get picked last in pe yeah your child out there he's swimming a
little circle yeah
oh they come home sad uh nobody picked me yeah no that yeah if she can't play
kickball i'm out
oh dude that's because that's a good test of a lot of different sports at once
a lot run and kick it
at the same time you know how hard that is to do very coordination to be able
to run forward and kick
kick in rhythm yeah that's the fucking moat's art of athletics to me boy kickball
show you a lot
yeah absolutely that's what i'm saying this but there's a lot of traps a lot of
people don't think
like that because you have to think too like do you so do you think do you
think a lot of men
because i feel like a lot of let me get this right so in the nfl they got a lot
of guys it seems like
who want to have a lot of children right do you think that that's true no i
think at times like is
that a stereotype well even in the black with black you get community do they
have a lot of guys who
want to have a lot of children well there are a lot of white guys too they have
a lot of kids as
well yeah but i think we just get caught up in the moment most of the time and
i think
our counterparts on the other hand um they have a little bit more a little bit
more discipline in
that area but i think they they they're not as bad as us but also they're even
our counterparts
i mean white white guys okay so white guys versus black guys yeah i'm not even
looking at it like in
a i guess i am looking at obviously in culture right i'm not really looking at
it in race but i'm
looking at it in culture right so i'm thinking in black culture is it more of a
thing to have
it happens it happens a lot because we get caught up in the moment okay we get
caught up in the
moment now i i'm one who's one of those but y'all like to spike the ball yeah
but for me everything
i've done was strategic and not done on purpose there was a method to my
madness there's a method
in my nobody's i'm not having kids nobody's running to child support and oh
check no no because we all
had one end goal you understood what it was and i also had kids with people
that i've known before i even
made it so there were no ulterior motives like most have when you meet them
once you've already had money
yeah so yeah you meet some thought at an equinox or something and you have a
child and the first thing
you wonder why things don't work out yeah not things most times don't work no
it's like yeah you don't
know who you're you don't you're putting yourself at risk yeah so you're saying
instead of risk
straight you have more strategy yeah yeah most definitely most definitely most
definitely yeah
because i just wonder sometimes i wonder in black culture do they view do black
men view the world
differently like is there a do they view it more as like a i'm a king and this
is my castle nah
i don't i don't you know that's just how i wonder sometimes or like yeah like
is there strategy
sometimes well i gave i gave you mine right and i've always lived by that no
matter who it was i don't
care how fine you are i'm not here to raise models i want athletes so therefore
i'm going to procreate
with those damn who give me just that you might start a little honestly listen
you'll have yeah
have fun and go on dates and yeah for those who who are not that but when it
comes to having kids
oh oh honey uh-uh okay how fine you are yeah yeah yeah you got a kid your kid
walking at three weeks
running yeah for yeah for his first birthday you get him a hurdle
that's interesting to have to create a family based on i'm building for success
right absolutely is it
hard to manage that big of a family with that many children what's that like
really i run a tight ship
everybody here i run a tight ship those i have kids from we have the same end
goal
we got the same end goal and those i have kids from awesome mothers awesome
mothers no issues no
nothing how do you pick a good mother then that's an even that's an important
question i think
because a lot of people they'll just you know i don't ever do no ejaculation
inside of right in my
life you know you'll never know you know that what a good mother is but those i
have oh you don't
think you can tell just get there's no way to tell how would you just
impossible well i'm just saying
if you meet a lady and they're a good lady i mean being a good lady doesn't
mean you'll be a good
mother you know and i only date women that already have kids you can get it you
can take that kid
off to the sides hey man what's what plays y'all calling around it it's just
weird just weird what's
the defense running yeah you gotta have two or more kids yeah that's a thing
yeah you got to because
i mean for me dating a woman with no kids they never have fucking food at home
yeah they always
want to go out to eat yeah oh yeah you know what it's like no thief i don't
know if you experience
this like you know it's like to have sex with someone that has kids and wake up
at three three
thirty in the morning get a fucking capri sun that's good oh oh bro that's
fucking amazing bro
i'm made with half a mouthful of lunchable i'll make love all night yes see
that's what i'm talking
about that's who i am boy with a jaw full of them little shapes little hands
that's important to me
god i love that having snacks in the pantry dude because you kind of get to be
a kid and a
a husband at the same time in a way yeah that's interesting those are those are
my rules everyone
some people oh she has i don't care oh and if you wake up in the middle of the
night you can play
video games too oh my god we on the same page that's what it's all about i'll
go in another room
wake a little fucking little random hey let's hey let's run call let's run call
of duty real
quick yeah let's go do it let's run duos you're about to get schooled right now
motherfucker i love
it let's do it i love it especially if she has older kids yeah oh that's
perfect oh that's perfect
dang that's a great point yeah i mean that's just me everyone else's thought
processes and
uh thought process and approach to dealing with women isn't like mine and yeah
that that's fine
well yeah a lot of people yeah they just but it's risky out there i think
having some strategy
as to what you do with your own seed is important very um is it tough though
let me think about this
realistically when you have eight children you have eight children yeah i want
two more you do
yeah i'm probably going to do uh is it called ibf i want to i want twins oh i
want twins and i'm done
why you want twins today you have to battle two johnsons on the field at once
no not really i just
want i just want to in on even numbers and okay and in on a grand finale you
got to end with a big
move there we go a two-point conversion yeah i like that so we'll see what
happens we'll see what
happens do you have to pick your children's names or your wife gets to pick
them are you yeah whoever
i'm dating the mother gets yeah they get to pick really they get to pick every
time yeah of course
is that a thing i don't know i just it's the way i operate i'm not worried
about names really
no so the mother gets to pick out every one of your children's names did you
did she say hey what do
you think about this name yeah always and when you sit on say yes or no i say
whatever you want to do
we rocking with it wow bro yeah my son my son graduates from arizona arizona
state uh he's a sun
devil yeah he's married he plays football there no he's he's done he's done
done yeah how is it tough
for your if you have a child and do they feel like they have to live in your
shoes how do you
have that conversation but how do you have that conversation with them as a
parent you do as as a
parent even though i play football if you want to play that's on you if you don't
want to play i'm
supporting whatever it is you want to do i'm not like i'm not one of those
parents that push and
push you're going to do this no absolutely not whatever you do you feel like
the children feel
some type of pressure or no just in their own i would hope not because the
pressure would be coming
from me yeah fuck the outside noise that has nothing to do anything whatever
you dream and want to do
i'm gonna support it he's your life must be pretty busy with having to just be
a dad all the time
yeah it's easy it's easy i hear people complain it's easy it's easy what do you
think that people
complain about what that makes it seem well i don't know i just i mean you do
also have financial
ability to at least feed and that might make it a little easier that sort of
thing i think that
might make it a little easier i bet it does from a financial standpoint it's
easy but also being
present and being active and being hands-on as much as i can yeah it's just i
just like it like you
know that feeling i get such a great feeling when we go on trips you know every
summer we take trips
as one huge group really just mobbing mobbing through the airport like 10 8 9
kids all that's
all the women too the moms and the no no no no oh just the children yeah just
yeah i take i take
everyone dad and the kids all going on that trip i love that shit where did you
guys go somewhere
fun that you would recommend to another big family to go like if they got
because they got a lot of
church families out there mexico dr um this summer we're going to dubai all of
us though it's just
those trips dude just going to the mall when it's time to go shopping just
walking in it's like one
big gang i love that that's interesting it's interesting way to think about
your future and
how you're raising children but do you worry that you can't give them enough
each child like enough
mental and emotional connection or you don't think about that as much or you
think it's okay
no they're good they're good they're good yeah i have no idea yeah i just think
that you worry about
that that's a lot of people's fear because it's interesting because i think
people used to have
more children i think we're having less children now you see that they're just
about to give people
money to have more children you've seen that well you know especially in this
economy too i can
understand why some people are a little bit more cautious yeah on on having
kids yeah
you know what's the most important thing about it and i think that's a lot of
people are going to be able to do it
and i think that's a lot of people are going to be able to do it and i think
that's a lot of people are going to be able to do it
and i think that's a lot of people are going to be able to do it and i think
that's a lot of people are going to be able to do it

Ochocinco's Rules for Dating and Procreating

do you feel like it's risky like with uh athletes and stuff there's a lot of
like
you know there's a lot of potential for to get in a sticky situations because a
lot of athletes
they're you know they're people know that they have money yeah they're they're
in great shape
you know it seems to be like it happens more often than not these days most
definitely most
definitely you i mean you got it you got to be cautious you got to be weary and
always understand
that you know sometimes most of those that you'll deal with most of those who
will deal with you
it's because of what you can do and not who you are how do you try and figure
that out like uh
you can't you don't think you can't figure it out because because you've got
you have you always have
to lead lean into it with that same thought process like what are you saying
you have to understand
especially when you have money and you have things going on for yourself would
you be able to get the
same girl that's with you now if you didn't have it nine times nine times out
of ten absolutely not
not that's just that's reality you know i don't know and that goes that goes
for every that goes
for any and everybody you know like that's just life that's just the way it is
right you could if
you lost the ability to provide the woman you're with right now would she still
be there
and that's probably for any man really almost in any space period if you lost
the ability to provide
yeah period or do the things or give her the lifestyle that you've been able to
what was she
doing before you came along yeah and look what you've done with that certain
individual that you're
with you know and depending on how much money you have your leash is very long
and when things hit
the roof most of the time when she leaves you she has to take that money with
her to continue that
lifestyle oh yeah that's a tough spot then because your money is gonna get uh
kind of uh divided up
yeah do you have you have a lot you have a decent amount of children yeah a lot
85 you have 85 is that
your goal yeah yeah well you gotta get that was my goal but then also the
people i've had kids with
we were all on one accord look what does that mean i only dated women that were
athletic
i'm not having kids just to just to have kids oh so do you have some strategy
yeah there was
strategy behind mine i don't care about you being a bad bitch i don't care
about you being on ig with
your ass out i don't know bbls i don't i mean that's fine whatever you need to
do to to feel
better about yourself i'm fine with that but i needed and only dated women that
were athletic so my
kids had a head start on that foundation of athletic ability that's it so i
look at women i look at
ankles yeah because i look at some track do you see some of them track women
yeah my my daughter run
track at university of kentucky now oh really yeah i live in nashville man that's
not far for real yeah
if you go up to a game if you go to see a meet i'll come up there and meet up
with you guys in
lexington yeah dude that'd be awesome yeah because i bet they'll also run
against lsu i want to lsu if
they run against lsu or vanderbilt dude that'd be sick bro i'll come up there
man yeah and i i don't
have never have really have this there she is yeah this is when she was young
and she's good huh oh
yeah she can go she can go she can't beat me but she can go do you think she'll
be able to beat you
at some point absolutely not because before my any of my listen listen before
my kids beat me in
anything i would trip her i'm just being honest i would trip her before she
beat me
yeah yeah not not happening not happening did um dang so you so was her mother
athletic
absolutely yeah dude you see those track ladies all of them oh did you cheer
did you play volleyball
did you run track volleyball yeah i mean just i just need to see cheer
sometimes you get these
little nuggets they get them little mac nuggets out there i know i can tell
because when i go on
dates i like to go places where you have to you have to show me athletic
ability go to dave and
buses can you shoot now if you don't have no form and can't shoot i can't do
nothing with you
can't go bowling go roller skating you know that's a good one so i i hold my
own
my own um roller skating but it's ice skating for black people right there that's
what that is dude
uh the combine i hold my own combine oh they think we're going on dates little
do you know i'm really
i'm taking notes okay you can bowl okay you don't really have any coordination
skating but i can work
on that come on yeah go to the gym oh a gym date oh please take them to the gym
on a second date
yeah yeah first date dave and busters you know check out coordination let me
see how your lateral
movement is yeah that's that's hey are you laughing that shit is important no
it looks sometimes listen
you i see some some of these guys that's a good point yeah they date women oh
she's so fine she's
on ig live she fine as hell blah blah you have a child your child got two left
feet and you wonder
why your child get picked last in pe yeah your child out there he's swimming a
little circle yeah
oh they come home sad uh nobody picked me yeah no that yeah if she can't play
kickball i'm out
oh dude that's because that's a good test of a lot of different sports at once
a lot run and kick it
at the same time you know how hard that is to do very coordination to be able
to run forward and kick
kick in rhythm yeah that's the fucking moat's art of athletics to me boy kickball
show you a lot
yeah absolutely that's what i'm saying this but there's a lot of traps a lot of
people don't think
like that because you have to think too like do you so do you think do you
think a lot of men
because i feel like a lot of let me get this right so in the nfl they got a lot
of guys it seems like
who want to have a lot of children right do you think that that's true no i
think at times like is
that a stereotype well even in the black with black you get community do they
have a lot of guys who
want to have a lot of children well there are a lot of white guys too they have
a lot of kids as
well yeah but i think we just get caught up in the moment most of the time and
i think
our counterparts on the other hand um they have a little bit more a little bit
more discipline in
that area but i think they they they're not as bad as us but also they're even
our counterparts
i mean white white guys okay so white guys versus black guys yeah i'm not even
looking at it like in
a i guess i am looking at obviously in culture right i'm not really looking at
it in race but i'm
looking at it in culture right so i'm thinking in black culture is it more of a
thing to have
it happens it happens a lot because we get caught up in the moment okay we get
caught up in the
moment now i i'm one who's one of those but y'all like to spike the ball yeah
but for me everything
i've done was strategic and not done on purpose there was a method to my
madness there's a method
in my nobody's i'm not having kids nobody's running to child support and oh
check no no because we all
had one end goal you understood what it was and i also had kids with people
that i've known before i even
made it so there were no ulterior motives like most have when you meet them
once you've already had money
yeah so yeah you meet some thought at an equinox or something and you have a
child and the first thing
you wonder why things don't work out yeah not things most times don't work no
it's like yeah you don't
know who you're you don't you're putting yourself at risk yeah so you're saying
instead of risk
straight you have more strategy yeah yeah most definitely most definitely most
definitely yeah
because i just wonder sometimes i wonder in black culture do they view do black
men view the world
differently like is there a do they view it more as like a i'm a king and this
is my castle nah
i don't i don't you know that's just how i wonder sometimes or like yeah like
is there strategy
sometimes well i gave i gave you mine right and i've always lived by that no
matter who it was i don't
care how fine you are i'm not here to raise models i want athletes so therefore
i'm going to procreate
with those damn who give me just that you might start a little honestly listen
you'll have yeah
have fun and go on dates and yeah for those who who are not that but when it
comes to having kids
oh oh honey uh-uh okay how fine you are yeah yeah yeah you got a kid your kid
walking at three weeks
running yeah for yeah for his first birthday you get him a hurdle
that's interesting to have to create a family based on i'm building for success
right absolutely is it
hard to manage that big of a family with that many children what's that like
really i run a tight ship
everybody here i run a tight ship those i have kids from we have the same end
goal
we got the same end goal and those i have kids from awesome mothers awesome
mothers no issues no
nothing how do you pick a good mother then that's an even that's an important
question i think
because a lot of people they'll just you know i don't ever do no ejaculation
inside of right in my
life you know you'll never know you know that what a good mother is but those i
have oh you don't
think you can tell just get there's no way to tell how would you just
impossible well i'm just saying
if you meet a lady and they're a good lady i mean being a good lady doesn't
mean you'll be a good
mother you know and i only date women that already have kids you can get it you
can take that kid
off to the sides hey man what's what plays y'all calling around it it's just
weird just weird what's
the defense running yeah you gotta have two or more kids yeah that's a thing
yeah you got to because
i mean for me dating a woman with no kids they never have fucking food at home
yeah they always
want to go out to eat yeah oh yeah you know what it's like no thief i don't
know if you experience
this like you know it's like to have sex with someone that has kids and wake up
at three three
thirty in the morning get a fucking capri sun that's good oh oh bro that's
fucking amazing bro
i'm made with half a mouthful of lunchable i'll make love all night yes see
that's what i'm talking
about that's who i am boy with a jaw full of them little shapes little hands
that's important to me
god i love that having snacks in the pantry dude because you kind of get to be
a kid and a
a husband at the same time in a way yeah that's interesting those are those are
my rules everyone
some people oh she has i don't care oh and if you wake up in the middle of the
night you can play
video games too oh my god we on the same page that's what it's all about i'll
go in another room
wake a little fucking little random hey let's hey let's run call let's run call
of duty real
quick yeah let's go do it let's run duos you're about to get schooled right now
motherfucker i love
it let's do it i love it especially if she has older kids yeah oh that's
perfect oh that's perfect
dang that's a great point yeah i mean that's just me everyone else's thought
processes and
uh thought process and approach to dealing with women isn't like mine and yeah
that that's fine
well yeah a lot of people yeah they just but it's risky out there i think
having some strategy
as to what you do with your own seed is important very um is it tough though
let me think about this
realistically when you have eight children you have eight children yeah i want
two more you do
yeah i'm probably going to do uh is it called ibf i want to i want twins oh i
want twins and i'm done
why you want twins today you have to battle two johnsons on the field at once
no not really i just
want i just want to in on even numbers and okay and in on a grand finale you
got to end with a big
move there we go a two-point conversion yeah i like that so we'll see what
happens we'll see what
happens do you have to pick your children's names or your wife gets to pick
them are you yeah whoever
i'm datin