Name: Theo Von short set
Uploaded: 2010-12-07T02:41:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von short set' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von short set' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-12-07. Transcript available.

Nice to be here, man. Living over in Los Angeles. I've been doing comedy for
about six years.
I was going through LAX the other night, real early in the morning, and you see
a lot of celebrities there.
You guys know who Jimmy Walker is? J.J.? Yeah, J.J. from Good Times, right.
Okay, so I'm going through airport security. It's like 5.30 in the morning.
There's this hungover kid in front of me, and we're going through, and Jimmy
Walker goes walking by.
And I don't say anything, because I'm an adult. I just stare really hard at him.
Kid in front of me yells out, Dynamite! Dynamite!
Then airport security jumps on him, because they don't see Jimmy Walker.
They just see this kid yelling dynamite down the terminal.
And I'm the only one who saw it, so I had to say something to help him out, so
I was like, he's also a rapist, guys.
I've got a pretty crazy life, man. My father was 70 years old when I was born.
7-0. Gets better.
My mother was 32.
Here. Yeah.
Basically made me a product of loose skin and loose morals, if you look at it
like that.
It's interesting growing up with a father in his 70s because of the quality
time that we would spend.
Shortly after I was born, my dad had one of his strokes, so we were both
learning to walk at the same time.
We used to have little races for cookies, soft batch, and we would play games
like catch or don't.
And my favorite, is dad sleeping or is he no longer with us?
Your turn to hold a mirror under his nose.
It's a real party. Got a defibrillator for Christmas one year.
Six years old. That's a heavy gift.
I played superheroes with my buddies. They're like, I'm Batman.
You're like, I'm Clear Man.
You girls will play house. We played assisted living center.
You got to build a bunch of ramps.
Everybody eats at four in the afternoon.
Get out of hand.
From Louisiana. I'm a southerner. Any other southerners?
Any?
Okay.
Oh, thank you. Good.
Here at the southerners anonymous meeting.
You guys know where it is, though, right?
Lower than the north.
No, the south gets a bad rap, man.
I mean, it's known for lower wages for women.
Unfair imprisonment of African Americans.
Crooked politics.
But if you tried the pie,
it kind of makes up for some of that shit.
Not to mention, we're second place in the Civil War.
What up? Ready for the rematch, too, north.
Why do you think we reenact it every year?
Because we're still practicing.
Have a southern accent.
Man, it's hard having a southern accent sometimes
because people think you beat women.
Sometimes people hear you funny,
but sometimes you hear them strangely, too.
Like, I went in for a job interview the other day
in the financial sector.
And the guy says to me, he's like,
well, how do you feel about the present-day NASDAQ?
NASDAQ?
We built my buddy a NASDAQ.
Round is a nice pool, man.
It's all super nice now.
Did I win?
I was in line the other night to get in a club.
They had this redneck hillbilly guy in front of me.
And the bouncer says to him,
you got any ID?
About what?
Dude, I walked out of an ice cream shop
in Mobile, Alabama.
They had this gentleman sitting out there,
this black guy sitting out there.
And summertime, I was just bullshitting with him.
I said, sure is hot out here, isn't it?
He said, well, it ain't so much the heat
much as it is the hum-didity.
I was like, holy shit,
how nice must it be to go through life
with hum-didity in the air?
My shirt stuck to my back
must have a high zippity-do point.
This sticky.
I like girls, man.
I like all kinds of girls.
Big, small, sleeping.
Dated a lazy-eyed girl for a little bit.
Hell of a skeet shooter.
I used to get mad and get up in her face
and go, pull!
And watch her eye go off like that.
And she was always saying she saw UFOs.
I'm like, every other light you see
slowly moves off in the distance.
Now quit reporting our lamps.
I like a tough girl, man.
I like a strong girl.
You know what I'm saying?
Kind of girl that gets into some things.
Kind of girl maybe got a little diesel on her breath.
Maybe some stains in her mouth.
Kind of girl that ain't afraid
to just snatch a goat off a bridge.
Kind of girl that ain't afraid
to start some shit at a funeral.
Who's dead, bitch?
A tough girl, man.
Because you know if you got a tough woman,
you know if times get tough,
she'll breastfeed everybody.
Even the cats.
A healthy woman can cook.
They'll provide for you.
They'll take care of you.
Skinny women.
A lot of women don't cook shit.
Nobody cooks anymore.
And all you ladies should be cooking.
Because the Lord wants you to.
I'm serious.
He told me that in a dream.
But here's my thoughts, ladies.
If God didn't want you to cook,
if the good Lord didn't want you to cook,
then why didn't he naturally
put milk and eggs in your body?
Ingredients, mama.
Now why don't you do the Lord's work
and hook us up with some French toast?
He's hungry.
Women drive us crazy, men.
They want everything from us.
They want all the fancy things.
The Louis Vuitton, that channel.
We can't afford this shit.
Well, I'm going to buy you a $700 purse
so you can keep $9 in it.
That don't make any sense
to anybody but you.
And women always pulling the wool
over our eyes, guys.
Women fake orgasms.
Why don't we start faking something, fellas?
Why don't we start fake paying the rent?
Why don't we start faking orgasms?
You're making love
to your sweet little bag of fun nuggets
the whole time you got a handful of yogurt
behind your back.
Pa-da!
What do you mean it's cold?
Strawberry banana!
I don't even know what joke to tell after this.
How much time do I have?
Okay.
Sorry, guys.
I just thought I'd been up here for a while.
Well, let's make fun of people again, man.
It's hard for me to make fun of white people sometimes
because they're hard to stereotype
because I grew up making fun of everybody else.
You know?
Other ethnicities easier.
You know, Asian people eat food with sticks,
drive like shit.
Good with some signs like plus, minus.
Bad with others like turn, left, right,
yield, merge, stay down, Asian.
Mexican people either build a nativity scene
in the dashboard of their car.
Yeah.
Hard to U-turn with the candles going, homie.
You're fucking scaring people.
Or teach their kids to beat things with sticks
until they get what they want out of them,
like pinatas and tourists.
Black people either dancing really well
or walking extremely slowly across the street.
That shit is true.
Hurry up, black people.
Fastest people on earth,
unless there's a street.
You got new shoes on, play or go.
But I don't blame black people.
I'd go slow too if I had to wait
for a blink of white guy to say I could walk.
That shit's messed up
and Barack's gonna change that shit.
I'm Theo Vaughn, guys.
Hit me up on Facebook.
Thank y'all for coming out.
Give it back to Jimmy Byrne!
- Thank you.