Name: CrankTexts (w/ Theo Von)
Uploaded: 2011-08-26T00:08:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CrankTexts (w/ Theo Von)' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-08-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CrankTexts (w/ Theo Von)' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-08-26. Transcript available.

Okay, so about six months ago, I get a random text message on my phone from a
phone number that I don't know, okay?
It comes up, I don't know what it is, all right?
And it says, hey, it's Wanda, okay?
So I write back, Wanda who?
And she writes, duh, Wanda, your cousin.
Now, obviously, she has the wrong number, okay?
But also, she has the wrong fucking person because I have tons of free time.
So I write back, what's up, shawty?
And for six months, she and I have been texting, she thinks I'm her cousin, and
I actually have a god nephew now named Damari, who's going to be two years old
in May.
So it's kind of like a big time for our family.
But anyway, I'm like, this is so much fun just texting random people that I'm
just going to text every number in the world because I have unlimited texts and
I have total free time.
So since then, I'm not joking, I've texted over 10,000 numbers on this phone
right here.
I've gotten into relationships.
I've been a man, I've been a woman, I've started blood drives, I'm running
religious groups all across the country.
I'm doing an elementary school ROTC program right now in Seymour, Indiana.
That's fucking blowing up, okay?
Same shit, and then I take the best ones and put them on a website, it's called
CrankTax.
So if you get a chance, check it out.
It's absolutely, it's fucking ridiculous.
I'm selling plywood right now to a guy.
You would not believe, he thinks I'm in my apartment tripping on mushrooms
right now.
And I've just been selling him plywood for two days.
Anyway, so I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to read you how this goes.
So I'll write, hey, what's up?
That's what I write to random numbers.
I'll write, hey, what's up?
This person writes, not much, sorry, new phone.
Who is this?
It's a random number.
I said, it's Barry.
How you doing?
Hey, I am good.
How are you?
I said, I'm great.
Got through the surgery fine.
He says, Barry, I don't want to be rude, but I'm very bad with names.
I still can't remember you.
I said, I forget things all the time.
No biggie.
I'm still in ICU.
Just kind of lonely.
He says, Barry, I think you have the wrong number, my friend.
Who gave you this as my number?
I said, I've had it in my phone.
You should see the new leg.
Fucking technology.
So then he writes back, he goes, do you know what my name is?
And so I had to guess.
I just guessed Ben.
He goes, sorry, my friend, that's not me, but I hope you feel better soon.
I said, fuck, man, me too.
You ever been through anything like this?
Because you got to keep them going, you know?
He goes, no, not like that.
You'll be okay.
I said, I don't know, man.
I feel like such a bitch.
He goes, shit happens.
You have shit like you lose your fucking keys, you asshole.
Not fucking shit like this, okay?
So then I said, easy for you to say, I'm out of fucking leg, homie.
And he doesn't write back.
So I wrote, I'm sorry, man.
I'm just angry.
This is hard for me.
Do you have any advice?
He goes, you will get used to it.
Sorry, gotta run.
Gotta run to a guy who has just lost his fucking leg.
Y'all hit me up on Facebook.
I'm Theo Vaughn.
Y'all have a great evening.
Thank you, Comedy Juice.