Name: What I Miss About The South
Uploaded: 2016-04-07T21:39:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What I Miss About The South' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What I Miss About The South' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-07. Transcript available.

So that's one thing I miss about the South.
People just say whatever's on their mind, you know?
People say what they're thinking, you know?
And not bad stuff, I mean, but it's like you can just, you say something.
Everybody doesn't get offended by everything.
And it's really one of the close-knit, most close-knit areas of America.
I mean, you can't find a more close-knit family, I don't think,
than usually a Southern or a Midwestern family.
There's an acceptance of someone as an individual,
even if they do say something that is offensive
or something that you don't agree with,
rather than a kind of like, you can't say that.
It's kind of like, well, they said it, and that's just them.
Yeah, and that's it, and that doesn't define them 100%, you know?
So I miss that, and I miss just the weird shit that would happen, man.
Like I told you, I grew up in a stray animal belt,
so on Saturdays, a lot of animals live by a highway.
A lot of animals would get hit by cars and trucks.
And so on Saturday, we'd go out there and pull the bodies off and bury them,
you know, get them right.
So one time we were burying, what were we burying?
I think it was a dog.
And somebody had hit a bunch of nudie magazines in the ground,
you know, a bunch of titty literature.
Tit lit.
So, yeah, a bunch of tit lit, man.
And we wasn't looking for titty literature, man.
We were trying to bury these animals.
We were trying to give them back to God.
So we get a hole going, and they found that somebody hid all these magazines in
there,
probably about 11 magazines.
And somebody, though, had cut out the pictures when people were doing sex in
the magazines
at the exact point of, like, you know, penis and vagina meeting each other.
Somebody cut that out.
You could see the full bodies, but the exact of every picture of every magazine,
man.
They must have had 900, like, little, like, pictures of fuckfetti on them, you
know?
I don't know if we can say fuckfetti or not, but somebody in our town,
and this is a small town, was rolling around with a little sack of fuckfetti.
That's like God was rewarding you for burying these dogs,
but also still kind of protecting you a little bit because you were young.
Like, you guys aren't ready for this.
And we think maybe somebody did it because they didn't want people seeing that,
you know, so they cut it all out.
But it inspired us to go look for sex, so we'd never seen any sex,
and at that point we were like, we need to see some real sex.
You just wanted to go see what the rest of it looked like.
Yeah, we wanted to see the rest of the story, like Paul Harvey used to say.
But he died.
He's dead, too, with the dogs from the highway.
Yep, all right.
But, yeah, so then we went out looking for sex in the town.
Like the stray dog.
Yeah, yeah.
We then became our own, like, stray animals out there looking for sex.
And so we did Peep and Tommen.
We didn't have cable.
Before you had cable, you had Peep and Tommen.
And so Peep and Tommen, you go and look and see whatever other people are doing
that you don't know very well.
And we would get a ladder.
We got a ladder, me and my friend, this boy Danny.
But he was born with, like, a lot of deficiencies.
He used to sweat out of the side of his mouth on each side,
so you had to dab him up a little.
And he did, man.
And he was born with a wrist in his neck.
So he had, like, about every maybe ten seconds his neck would fire off like
that, you know,
just like, you know, like that, you know, like, what a miss, you know.
And so we went out looking for sex, me and Hot Danny.
They called him Hot Danny because he would overheat.
Every couple minutes he'd get dizzy, you had to sit him down.
So he would get hot.
You have to sit him down and rest him.
And that's how you became good friends with him, though,
because you had those moments to really connect.
It's like the last person you want looking.
I mean, you don't want anyone looking in your window, but if that's the person
looking.
Well, that was the crazy part.
So me and Hot Danny went looking for sex.
And, uh...
Did you ever look towards, I mean, Hot Danny, look towards each other, man?
I mean, things got mildly erotic at certain points, but not then.
Not then, not until we was a little bit older.
So did you ever...
So...
That's okay, I wanted to let you have your moment.
Yeah, I'm fine, man.
I just got tired on the inside for a second.
Did you ever find the...
Did you and Hot Danny ever find the sex while prowling?
Think about what we saw.
We saw...
We didn't.
We saw some light drug use.
We peeked in some windows.
We saw some light drug use.
And we saw a man beating a woman with a thing of aluminum foil.
And, you know, we...
I wouldn't call it domestic abuse.
She was beating him back with something.
I don't remember what it was.
But also, I would hold the ladder because I was afraid of heights.
And if you got Hot Danny on the ladder, he...
You know, the reports came back kind of fucking jumbled, you know?
Just because, you know, the Lord kept changing the channel on him.
So he didn't get...
He would miss moments.
So he fucking...
His stories were really disconnected.
But you were...
But, you know, but we saw that.
But then what ended up happening was we ended up catching a bunch of cats.
Because there were extras.
This was the time when there were extras.
And we caught a bunch and tried to get them to do sex.
You just had to see what had been cut out.
Well, it was just...
It was the only thing we could get our hands on that could do sex for us, you
know?
As children, you know, you're not...
I mean, we tried to peek and we couldn't see.
And so then we tried to create, I guess.
I think that's maybe what any child does.
But one of the cats got poisoned by someone at night.
And we didn't do that.
That was...
Someone came specifically to poison that cat.
That was between them and that cat.
We don't know who that was.
And we didn't...
And we didn't push the cats together or anything like that.
Or, you know, show them sex or anything.
We just did, like, regular romantic shit.
Like, lit candles by the cage and read poems.
We did, man.
We did.
And we never saw any sex.
And they got skinny because we was feeding them cabbage.
And I still feel bad about that because someone thought they had a cab,
but it was a rabbit whose ears got taken off.
And it would eat cabbage.
And so everybody thought, well, these cats eat cabbage around here.
So we fed those cats cabbage and they lost a lot of weight.
And then we eventually let them go.
And some of them did sex after we let them go.
And that's God, though.
That's God working.
We can't do that.
As a man, we think we can control everything,
but we can't get these cats to have sex.
We had those cats for two months.
You know?
Tons of poetry.
I mean, artwork.
We showed them everything.
You know?
Everything.
And we couldn't do it.
But God could get them to do sex.
God was really trying to protect you from sex,
from the cutout pictures.
I mean, it just showed us he could really control it.
You know, we thought we could control it.
But it was a wild time.
So things like that I miss, just like, I mean, not like, I mean, I just miss,
like, in the
South, that's a normal, that's a, you know, that could just happen in a weekend
or over
a couple of months.
You know, that's not insane.
That's not, that's just children, you know, growing up and living and, you know,
you could
update your parents and they'd be like, you know, y'all quit fucking with them
cats.
You know?
And that was it.
And you wouldn't quit fucking with them, you know, for a couple months.
But, you know, I don't know.
Thank you.