Name: This Past Weekend: April 25th San Jose
Uploaded: 2016-04-25T23:07:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'This Past Weekend: April 25th San Jose' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'This Past Weekend: April 25th San Jose' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-25. Transcript available.

This past weekend, I was in San Jose, California, and today it is Monday, April
25th, and I am back home.
Looking through the news today, an ultramarathoner, I'm reading, attempted to
run from Florida to Bermuda in an inflatable bubble,
and his trip was cut short when the Coast Guard towed him back to land for the
second time.
The Coast Guard wasn't happy about it, as it posted a series of tweets stating
that the aspiring bubble runner, Reza Baluki, had flouted its safety orders.
So apparently today they got this guy, it's the second time he tried it, this Muppet,
he's out there running, basically like in a gerbil ball.
You ever seen those balls you get a gerbil? Well, like that. Like he's out
there running in the middle of that, trying to go across the ocean.
He originally refused to quit his journey, but asked for help three days later.
So at first he's like, nah, nah, nah, and then he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
His strategy was to catch fish, eat protein bars, and sleep on a hammock inside
of the pod.
He planned to travel 1,000 miles, blah, blah, blah, around Puerto Rico and Cuba.
Unbelievable, dude.
What, uh, I mean, this is the kind of shit that, I mean, these are the kind of
people you gotta get out of society, I think.
You could say he's a dreamer and this and that, but the Forrest Gump era is
over.
You know, nobody's, you know, somebody's already sailed across the different
channels and the different ocean.
It's all over, you know.
Um, I mean, this dude's trying to be like an Amelia Earhart in this gerbil
bubble.
I say they put him in an iron bubble and, uh, let him run in that, dude.
Or how about he runs to get a real job and pay America back?
In fact, they said, uh, I'm reading here, it said that it'll cost America $140,000
in costs for the rescue efforts, uh, the combined rescue efforts, because this
is two times that it's happened.
Unbelievable.
Uh, CNN ran a story about this guy in 2012.
Uh, Baluki had told CNN he fled Iran to escape persecution and became an
American citizen.
Uh, look, look, Baluki, I bet Iran just lets you go, bro.
I bet they saw you leaving and were like, sayonara, however you say that in, uh,
in Farsi, sayonara.
Unbelievable, dude.
This bozo to cost America almost $150,000, uh, because he's out there screwing
around.
Get a job, you muppet.
Get a job.
Quit trying to save the world.
You're a bozo, dude.
Uh, I'm upset today again.
Uh, a little bit this morning about politics.
I mean, overall, I just feel taken advantage of.
I feel like everybody should.
But I feel like, I mean, it's just obvious that businesses run our political
system.
Uh, big businesses, super PACs, there's money behind them.
Um, you know, they're behind Hillary.
She's going to win.
And that's, that's fine.
I mean, I don't think it matters, you know.
Uh, it just, it matters that it's out of, uh, out of people's hands.
It's out of the citizens' hands.
I'm finding that more and more frustrating.
I just read today that bed bugs are attracted more to dark red and black.
So if you have, uh, a blanket or sheets of those colors, you're more likely to
have bed bugs.
Um, or if you are dark red or black.
Uh, if you got, if you have a black friend, it might be a good day to call them
and let them know that they are more likely to get bed bugs.
I'm going to break it off to a couple of my, uh, to my African-American friends
out there.
Um, you know, Jesus, as if black people haven't been through enough, they got
to deal with this now.
I never had them.
I never had bed bugs.
I don't think I got bit by something actually a month ago.
Uh, where was that at?
I don't even remember.
It could have been abroad.
It could have been some chick I was dating.
I don't even know.
I don't even know.
Got me right in the thigh though, heavily.
And I got bit by a, uh, black widow a couple of years ago.
She was in her forties.
Hey, get it.
That's a joke I tell all the time.
Anyway, I spent this past weekend in San Jose.
Um, San Jose, that means, I guess, without Jose in Spanish.
Uh, it's definitely not without Jose.
Uh, Jose is alive and well there.
It's, uh, it's very Latino.
It's also very Asian, very black, very white.
Um, almost equally across the board.
Uh, it seems like number wise.
Um, I think it's like a city of the future kind of.
It's chill.
It's casual.
Uh, everybody seems to get along very well.
So honestly, it's kind of boring.
You know, I like a little bit more of, uh, gunplay out there in the atmosphere.
You know, I like to see, uh, you know, I like seeing some thugs on the street
corner.
I like a little bit more stuff like that.
I like things to be a little bit more like, you know, a little bit more rough
around the edges.
This place was pretty chill.
A lot of one-story buildings there.
So if you, uh, wanted to jump off a building and kill yourself, you couldn't do
it.
You might, you might sprain your ankle.
Um, and you'll probably land at a Starbucks.
There's just like chain stores and everything there.
A couple things that happened to me this past weekend.
Uh, I walked through a Wendy's drive-thru.
Okay.
I get into San Jose.
It was about, I don't know what time it was, but I had a comedy show right when
I got there
at Rooster T. Feathers.
That's the club.
I was there with a funny guy named Stuart Thompson, a white guy, funny kid,
friend of mine.
Uh, anyway, so I get in, uh, do the show, uh, get dropped off from a hotel,
realize I don't
have anything to eat.
The front desk people say, there's nothing to eat.
Like, it's funny.
Yeah.
It's not funny, dude.
Cause I'm hungry, bro.
Okay.
And I can't sleep in hunger.
You know, this ain't, you know, I'm not living in a first world country, you
know, to turn
back the, you know, to, to do, you know, third world activities, you know?
So I wanted to get a little bit of, uh, a little bit of hunger, get my hunger
filled up.
So the man said, uh, there's a Wendy's across the street.
So I'll walk over there, walk up to the glass, pulling the door and it's locked.
And the lady points to the drive-thru, the lady that's sweeping up inside.
So I'll walk around back to the drive-thru.
There's two cars in front of me.
They do their orders.
I mean, it's awkward.
You're standing behind a car.
You're trying not to look like you're like about to break into the trunk.
Uh, I didn't have my phone on me.
So usually when you're standing around, you can like look at your phone, you
know, like
you're busy or you're doing something.
Didn't have my phone, which these days makes you seem even more of a loiterer,
even more
of a creep.
Uh, so I'm standing back there behind two cars without my phone, waiting for
them to
order.
Uh, they pull on up and, and then I get there.
I'm standing by the machine and nobody's saying like, can I take your order?
There's nothing.
There's no nothing.
Um, so I just, uh, I figure that, you know, maybe as a, I'm not registering as
a car.
So I'm like, well, what, you know, I try and jump.
I try, what a fucking idiot I am.
I try to jump up and down on the, on the concrete right there to seem heavier,
you know, like
make an impact.
Like maybe there's something under the ground that lets them know a car is
there from the
weight of the car.
I jump up and down.
Nothing.
I'm like, I'm like waving my hands.
Um, uh, um, I went and got a little brain.
There was like a shrub thing.
I got like a couple of branches and try to like walk with him out by my sides
in each hand,
uh, trying to seem like bigger.
Maybe it was like a, you had to fill some space in a, um, in some sort of, you
know, uh, radar
system or something that was regulating or, you know, registering inside when a
car was
there.
Anyway, I tried everything I could do to seem like a car.
Uh, and I couldn't, I cannot seem like a car.
I realized that I am just, I am a passenger.
So I walk up, uh, one of the cars in line literally took, literally took 14
minutes to
get their food.
They get their food.
The second car goes, it's now been a total of about 18 minutes.
I get up to the window.
I'm like, Hey, they won't take my order in the back.
I can't get the thing to turn on.
The guy's like, you can't walk through the drive-through and dude, I, I almost
turned
into the chicken nugget lady in the YouTube video.
I mean, I almost, cause the woman inside earlier had told me to go around.
Here I am.
I walked through a drive-through.
It's now been about 25 minutes.
I got nothing to eat.
I'm furious.
Uh, went back to the hotel and they had a nice girl there.
Uh, this little redheaded gal.
She might date brothers.
Actually, she looks like she kind of.
I had it in her, but she said, uh, that she would drive me over there.
So then when we went back through, the dude was not happy to see me, even
though I was
with this girl now, uh, you know, gave me some shit, the dude at the Wendy's at
the Wendy's
because I kind of had it out with this dude, you know?
Uh, so anyway, don't walk through the drive-through.
Um, cause you can't, cause you can't, cause you can't, they can't, they can't
deal with it when
you do it.
That's the problem.
Uh, what else?
Uh, what else?
A drunk girl came out to one of my shows, almost ruined it.
She was loud.
Uh, she was drunk.
Um, we all hung out afterwards and she made like every conversation about her
just for,
uh, don't get loud and drunk.
I don't care if you're as a man or woman, uh, a, uh, a leopard.
Don't get loud and drunk.
Get medium.
You want to get drunk, get medium.
Okay.
Just cause you're drunk doesn't mean that everybody wants you up at a higher
level.
Cause this fucking, this broad was, uh, set me back a couple of stress, set me
forward
a couple of stress years.
Uh, what else?
This past weekend, it was pretty calm, man.
San Jose's really chill.
I went to a yoga studio.
I did do yoga.
You know, I'm going to fess up to it.
Um, I, doctor said I needed to be stretching a little bit, you know, and I've
been feeling
tight in the neck.
I've been feeling like my veins and everything.
I've been bunching up in my body.
So I wanted to get to the yoga studio.
Um, trying to spread myself out a little bit, open my chest up, you know, you
know, might
even more ability to let the Lord in, let the light in, you know, let life into
me.
So I went to do that.
Um, and, uh, I ran to the studio, so I wanted to get a run in.
Right.
So I ran to the studios a little over three miles and actually did pretty well,
uh, about
eight and a half minutes a mile, which for me is pretty good.
So I get there just in time for the class.
Right.
And I paid a guy to go in.
It's 10 bucks.
I go in the room and everybody has like a, a mat and a towel that they put over
the mat.
Cause this is like hot yoga.
This is like one where they got a steam room.
It's pretty seedy.
I think a little bit.
It definitely seems like, you know, dudes could be kind of, you know, scrubbing
themselves
out in the distance and you don't really know cause it gets a little foggy in
there.
So I'm in there and, uh, and I am leaking sweat from the second I walk in, like
just dripping
all over on my mat.
Miserable drip drip.
I mean, like, I mean, everybody else's mat is dry.
They haven't even started.
And mine is soaking wet.
Not to mention, I didn't bring a towel to put over my mat.
So it's just my mat getting completely slippery.
The class starts going evolving.
It's about a half hour into it.
And I am like, my mat has turned into a slip and slide.
There is no, there's no way to hold any pose.
There's no way to do anything.
I can barely stand up without falling over.
I'm slipping everywhere, like just slinging sweat in every direction.
Uh, pretty much infuriated everyone around me.
Uh, realized at a certain point that this isn't even safe.
This is not even a safe mat to be on.
Um, and I, and I left and I left in there and, uh, and also it smelled a hell
of wild in
there.
They had a lady by the door.
I'm not joking.
Ladies, you got to wash up, wash your shop up, huh?
Wash your little shop up before you go into yoga.
Because, I mean, if, you know, we're adults here.
And at this point, you know, as an adult, you can kind of pick up on where some
of these
smells are coming from.
And this broad was lit.
I mean, this broad was, oh, I mean, it just sounded like she, it just, you kind
of got that
feeling in your nose like she'd been fricking raising oysters down there.
You know what I'm saying?
Like it, it just, ah, it was tough.
And there was another girl at the comedy club, a lady actually, who was leaving
there, who
came to the show.
And she passed by me and I caught a whiff off of this fricking, ah, she smelled
like she
just, yeah, I don't know.
You got to freshen up, ladies.
We all have to, you know, and this goes for everybody.
But you got to, you got to get your gourd, you got to, you got to get your gourd
washed
out every now and then, you know, even if you're not using it.
Because the lady at the comedy club definitely didn't seem like she'd been
using it, the,
some woman that had come out to the show.
I just, she stood and talked to me for a while while she was leaving.
And look, you know, I've been around some crotch in my life and I, ah, I know
how it comes
in and how it, you know, and how it can hit you pretty hard.
And she really, ah, she dealt me a blow right there, right there in a snout.
So, ah, that was it, man.
That was my weekend.
Oh, they had, ah, they had a, they had a, they had, ah, ah, continental
breakfast.
Um, I don't know what continent it was from.
Ah, seemed kind of British to me, but at the hotel and we're all sitting in
there eating
breakfast one morning, just everybody that's staying at this hotel and, ah, and
forensic
files was on the TV in there.
So I just thought it was weird.
It's like, here's 30 people that don't know each other and everybody's watching
forensic
files together.
Ah, so anyway, it was like, you know, somebody's waiting for their omelet and
watching somebody
get murdered on the side.
So anyway, that was my weekend, man.
That was this past weekend.
Ah, what else is going on with me?
You can catch out, ah, my Allegedly podcast on iTunes, Allegedly.
Ah, we may get this to, ah, to iTunes eventually.
For now, I'm just keeping it right on here.
Um, I'll be at the Tempe Improv in Tempe, Arizona, uh, Thursday, uh, May 12th
through 15th.
And I will be at the Hard Rock Rocksino in Cleveland, uh, June 2nd through the
5th and the Punchline
in Atlanta, the 9th through the 12th of June.
Uh, those are dates that I have coming up.
Um, check out my special on Netflix, Theo Vaughn, No Offense.
Uh, I hope everybody has a great week.
God bless you guys.
And this was this past weekend.

This Past Weekend: April 25th San Jose

This past weekend, I was in San Jose, California, and today it is Monday, April
25th, and I am back home.
Looking through the news today, an ultramarathoner, I'm reading, attempted to
run from Florida to Bermuda in an inflatable bubble,
and his trip was cut short when the Coast Guard towed him back to land for the
second time.
The Coast Guard wasn't happy about it, as it posted a series of tweets stating
that the aspiring bubble runner, Reza Baluki, had flouted its safety orders.
So apparently today they got this guy, it's the second time he tried it, this Muppet,
he's out there running, basically like in a gerbil ball.
You ever seen those balls you get a gerbil? Well, like that. Like he's out
there running in the middle of that, trying to go across the ocean.
He originally refused to quit his journey, but asked for help three days later.
So at first he's like, nah, nah, nah, and then he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
His strategy was to catch fish, eat protein bars, and sleep on a hammock inside
of the pod.
He planned to travel 1,000 miles, blah, blah, blah, around Puerto Rico and Cuba.
Unbelievable, dude.
What, uh, I mean, this is the kind of shit that, I mean, these are the kind of
people you gotta get out of society, I think.
You could say he's a dreamer and this and that, but the Forrest Gump era is
over.
You know, nobody's, you know, somebody's already sailed across the different
channels and the different ocean.
It's all over, you know.
Um, I mean, this dude's trying to be like an Amelia Earhart in this gerbil
bubble.
I say they put him in an iron bubble and, uh, let him run in that, dude.
Or how about he runs to get a real job and pay America back?
In fact, they said, uh, I'm reading here, it said that it'll cost America $140,000
in costs for the rescue efforts, uh, the combined rescue efforts, because this
is two times that it's happened.
Unbelievable.
Uh, CNN ran a story about this guy in 2012.
Uh, Baluki had told CNN he fled Iran to escape persecution and became an
American citizen.
Uh, look, look, Baluki, I bet Iran just lets you go, bro.
I bet they saw you leaving and were like, sayonara, however you say that in, uh,
in Farsi, sayonara.
Unbelievable, dude.
This bozo to cost America almost $150,000, uh, because he's out there screwing
around.
Get a job, you muppet.
Get a job.
Quit trying to save the world.
You're a bozo, dude.
Uh, I'm upset today again.
Uh, a little bit this morning about politics.
I mean, overall, I just feel taken advantage of.
I feel like everybody should.
But I feel like, I mean, it's just obvious that businesses run our political
system.
Uh, big businesses, super PACs, there's money behind them.
Um, you know, they're behind Hillary.
She's going to win.
And that's, that's fine.
I mean, I don't think it matters, you know.
Uh, it just, it matters that it's out of, uh, out of people's hands.
It's out of the citizens' hands.
I'm finding that more and more frustrating.
I just read today that bed bugs are attracted more to dark red and black.
So if you have, uh, a blanket or sheets of those colors, you're more likely to
have bed bugs.
Um, or if you are dark red or black.
Uh, if you got, if you have a black friend, it might be a good day to call them
and let them know that they are more likely to get bed bugs.
I'm going to break it off to a couple of my, uh, to my African-American friends
out there.
Um, you know, Jesus, as if black people haven't been through enough, they got
to deal with this now.
I never had them.
I never had bed bugs.
I don't think I got bit by something actually a month ago.
Uh, where was that at?
I don't even remember.
It could have been abroad.
It could have been some chick I was dating.
I don't even know.
I don't even know.
Got me right in the thigh though, heavily.
And I got bit by a, uh, black widow a couple of years ago.
She was in her forties.
Hey, get it.
That's a joke I tell all the time.
Anyway, I spent this past weekend in San Jose.
Um, San Jose, that means, I guess, without Jose in Spanish.
Uh, it's definitely not without Jose.
Uh, Jose is alive and well there.
It's, uh, it's very Latino.
It's also very Asian, very black, very white.
Um, almost equally across the board.
Uh, it seems like number wise.
Um, I think it's like a city of the future kind of.
It's chill.
It's casual.
Uh, everybody seems to get along very well.
So honestly, it's kind of boring.
You know, I like a little bit more of, uh, gunplay out there in the atmosphere.
You know, I like to see, uh, you know, I like seeing some thugs on the street
corner.
I like a little bit more stuff like that.
I like things to be a little bit more like, you know, a little bit more rough
around the edges.
This place was pretty chill.
A lot of one-story buildings there.
So if you, uh, wanted to jump off a building and kill yourself, you couldn't do
it.
You might, you might sprain your ankle.
Um, and you'll probably land at a Starbucks.
There's just like chain stores and everything there.
A couple things that happened to me this past weekend.
Uh, I walked through a Wendy's drive-thru.
Okay.
I get into San Jose.
It was about, I don't know what time it was, but I had a comedy show right when
I got there
at Rooster T. Feathers.
That's the club.
I was there with a funny guy named Stuart Thompson, a white guy, funny kid,
friend of mine.
Uh, anyway, so I get in, uh, do the show, uh, get dropped off from a hotel,
realize I don't
have anything to eat.
The front desk people say, there's nothing to eat.
Like, it's funny.
Yeah.
It's not funny, dude.
Cause I'm hungry, bro.
Okay.
And I can't sleep in hunger.
You know, this ain't, you know, I'm not living in a first world country, you
know, to turn
back the, you know, to, to do, you know, third world activities, you know?
So I wanted to get a little bit of, uh, a little bit of hunger, get my hunger
filled up.
So the man said, uh, there's a Wendy's across the street.
So I'll walk over there, walk up to the glass, pulling the door and it's locked.
And the lady points to the drive-thru, the lady that's sweeping up inside.
So I'll walk around back to the drive-thru.
There's two cars in front of me.
They do their orders.
I mean, it's awkward.
You're standing behind a car.
You're trying not to look like you're like about to break into the trunk.
Uh, I didn't have my phone on me.
So usually when you're standing around, you can like look at your phone, you
know, like
you're busy or you're doing something.
Didn't have my phone, which these days makes you seem even more of a loiterer,
even more
of a creep.
Uh, so I'm standing back there behind two cars without my phone, waiting for
them to
order.
Uh, they pull on up and, and then I get there.
I'm standing by the machine and nobody's saying like, can I take your order?
There's nothing.
There's no nothing.
Um, so I just, uh, I figure that, you know, maybe as a, I'm not registering as
a car.
So I'm like, well, what, you know, I try and jump.
I try, what a fucking idiot I am.
I try to jump up and down on the, on the concrete right there to seem heavier,
you know, like
make an impact.
Like maybe there's something under the ground that lets them know a car is
there from the
weight of the car.
I jump up and down.
Nothing.
I'm like, I'm like waving my hands.
Um, uh, um, I went and got a little brain.
There was like a shrub thing.
I got like a couple of branches and try to like walk with him out by my sides
in each hand,
uh, trying to seem like bigger.
Maybe it was like a, you had to fill some space in a, um, in some sort of, you
know, uh, radar
system or something that was regulating or, you know, registering inside when a
car was
there.
Anyway, I tried everything I could do to seem like a car.
Uh, and I couldn't, I cannot seem like a car.
I realized that I am just, I am a passenger.
So I walk up, uh, one of the cars in line literally took, literally took 14
minutes to
get their food.
They get their food.
The second car goes, it's now been a total of about 18 minutes.
I get up to the window.
I'm like, Hey, they won't take my order in the back.
I can't get the thing to turn on.
The guy's like, you can't walk through the drive-through and dude, I, I almost
turned
into the chicken nugget lady in the YouTube video.
I mean, I almost, cause the woman inside earlier had told me to go around.
Here I am.
I walked through a drive-through.
It's now been about 25 minutes.
I got nothing to eat.
I'm furious.
Uh, went back to the hotel and they had a nice girl there.
Uh, this little redheaded gal.
She might date brothers.
Actually, she looks like she kind of.
I had it in her, but she said, uh, that she would drive me over there.
So then when we went back through, the dude was not happy to see me, even
though I was
with this girl now, uh, you know, gave me some shit, the dude at the Wendy's at
the Wendy's
because I kind of had it out with this dude, you know?
Uh, so anyway, don't walk through the drive-through.
Um, cause you can't, cause you can't, cause you can't, they can't, they can't
deal with it when
you do it.
That's the problem.
Uh, what else?
Uh, what else?
A drunk girl came out to one of my shows, almost ruined it.
She was loud.
Uh, she was drunk.
Um, we all hung out afterwards and she made like every conversation about her
just for,
uh, don't get loud and drunk.
I don't care if you're as a man or woman, uh, a, uh, a leopard.
Don't get loud and drunk.
Get medium.
You want to get drunk, get medium.
Okay.
Just cause you're drunk doesn't mean that everybody wants you up at a higher
level.
Cause this fucking, this broad was, uh, set me back a couple of stress, set me
forward
a couple of stress years.
Uh, what else?
This past weekend, it was pretty calm, man.
San Jose's really chill.
I went to a yoga studio.
I did do yoga.
You know, I'm going to fess up to it.
Um, I, doctor said I needed to be stretching a little bit, you know, and I've
been feeling
tight in the neck.
I've been feeling like my veins and everything.
I've been bunching up in my body.
So I wanted to get to the yoga studio.
Um, trying to spread myself out a little bit, open my chest up, you know, you
know, might
even more ability to let the Lord in, let the light in, you know, let life into
me.
So I went to do that.
Um, and, uh, I ran to the studio, so I wanted to get a run in.
Right.
So I ran to the studios a little over three miles and actually did pretty well,
uh, about
eight and a half minutes a mile, which for me is pretty good.
So I get there just in time for the class.
Right.
And I paid a guy to go in.
It's 10 bucks.
I go in the room and everybody has like a, a mat and a towel that they put over
the mat.
Cause this is like hot yoga.
This is like one where they got a steam room.
It's pretty seedy.
I think a little bit.
It definitely seems like, you know, dudes could be kind of, you know, scrubbing
themselves
out in the distance and you don't really know cause it gets a little foggy in
there.
So I'm in there and, uh, and I am leaking sweat from the second I walk in, like
just dripping
all over on my mat.
Miserable drip drip.
I mean, like, I mean, everybody else's mat is dry.
They haven't even started.
And mine is soaking wet.
Not to mention, I didn't bring a towel to put over my mat.
So it's just my mat getting completely slippery.
The class starts going evolving.
It's about a half hour into it.
And I am like, my mat has turned into a slip and slide.
There is no, there's no way to hold any pose.
There's no way to do anything.
I can barely stand up without falling over.
I'm slipping everywhere, like just slinging sweat in every direction.
Uh, pretty much infuriated everyone around me.
Uh, realized at a certain point that this isn't even safe.
This is not even a safe mat to be on.
Um, and I, and I left and I left in there and, uh, and also it smelled a hell
of wild in
there.
They had a lady by the door.
I'm not joking.
Ladies, you got to wash up, wash your shop up, huh?
Wash your little shop up before you go into yoga.
Because, I mean, if, you know, w