Name: This Past Weekend: May 9th (Video)
Uploaded: 2016-05-10T10:23:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'This Past Weekend: May 9th (Video)' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'This Past Weekend: May 9th (Video)' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-10. Transcript available.

Friday starting my weekend off with work um my brain sometimes it's like
somebody hitting it
with like a little kind of like a soft or medium like a medium hammer like a I
got two comedy sets
tonight so that's where I'm about to head out all my bits and I'm just going
over man just heating
me up a little chicken breast but look at that bitch I got my attitude solid
and I got this one
hitter in my pocket just in case life gets a little too robust for daddy
McDonald's right there that I
hit bro a beast up in that bitch this is typical traffic on the way to the
comedy store and the
laugh factory tonight you might have been there when you visited LA or if you
live in LA then you
have been there but you might be my best friend dude rolling up right now in a
comedy store
everything good guys the players yes ladies about the different rooms we got
belly room right here
here's the kitchen everybody what's up rose looking good tonight huh I gotta
make money man I like I'm going up in a minute air just went up how was it it's
good
wow damn being forced out of the closet bruh yeah it's a beautiful dude a
couple of brothers and mixed guys I like this
blur that handshake out I'm not going to be associated with a homophobe yeah it's
sad too
wow Trump supporters our friend Lauren hey Lauren laugh factory thank you very
much nice to see you
okay hi Theo how are you good how are you tonight ladies and gentlemen nice to
see you guys he saved what on his mind
my mom are you crazy I gotta hit that piss game because sometimes nerves make
like
will make like extra piss in your body and you got to get that out that's
nervous piss and you gotta expel
get back to get back to all that and get back to the good stuff
Theo Bond guys
y'all giving up for Fraser Smith right there guys beautiful young man
so I'm walking up to this lady's door dude right and oh I didn't tell you this
this young lady didn't have no legs on her body she didn't have no legs right
you know legs she didn't have no and uh yeah she was a paraplegic this para and
and this isn't a story making fun of somebody that doesn't have legs right I
wouldn't do that that's insensitive that's limb shaming
um it's rude right we all have impairments right I have a million trust me but
this is a story where somebody in the story happens to not have any legs
because those people are in stories as well okay I'm sick of everybody having
legs in every fucking story all right that shit ain't realistic and that shit
ends tonight okay
getting that breakfast on bro my buddy that's what I'm getting right here that
souffle action
you gotta mix this thing up it's like life
if I make an omelet it's like life bruh you don't let it sit there it ain't a
pancake dude mix it up
mix that shit bruh look at that activities adventures meeting new people uh
dancing collecting something
dreaming at night you gotta mix your life up
new friends indians right middle eastern friends hello you know black friends
hey bruh bruh you know
friends that are girls other people you gotta mix it up man
quick workout bro get something quick get my blood going put my heart in a
positive place
because for me a lot of times getting that energy flow
like that that
because my brain will be like this but if I get that energy flow
look at that
see how smooth that went
dealing with some facial acne today
so that's alarming
if you can see that bad boy
so if any ladies out there want to get daddy's face off
let me know
I'm gonna take y'all into my gym right here
alright that's my friend right there molly
hey molly
she's awesome
white dude
what are you doing?
how are you doing with that?
they're making a vlog for the weekend
that's so funny
I'm just saying hey
well I got her haircut looks really cute
I got a bunch of total D-bags at my gym dude
I mean cool people too
but a bunch of fucking Muppets
I hate the gym though
I'll tell you that
I don't go because I want to go to the gym
I go to the gym because
I need to go
to keep my blood flowing good
and to take care of my troubled ass looking vessel bro
I'm at a crawfish bowl
my friend Dinesh invited me to a crawfish bowl
she's from Louisiana so
Dinesh it's been too undefined
I don't want to go back
because I feel like I've already had
to go to the gym
Dinesh how much did you make?
130 pounds
130 pounds
yeah so look she got them sent right here
is this your dad's company?
yeah
she got them sent from her dad's company
and every year she puts on a really dope crawfish bowl
man that's what y'all need nowadays
woman that can cook
and a man that can stand next to her
and hold the camera
and not help
you got to get that sack that swamped out
yeah yeah
they're still alive right now
wow huh
oh look at that
those boys hanging off
oh that one looks like one of my ex-girlfriends right there
we got a fighter
yeah that's what up Nash
yeah say hi
yeah there you go
so as you can see right behind me
don't look at my zip bro
okay so right here we got Fox Studios
Shigrad
so if you've never been on the lot
this is pretty dope
they got all these cool buildings
all lit up
so Simpsons Soundstage
we're going with the wind right there
alright cool so
freshened up in this
about to be a straight up decent human
alright so a lot of the bands are going to perform back here
and this is like a fake city
this is a fake city
they got them a lot right here
right you performing
I'm vlogging
I'm vlogging
what
who else is performing
Howard Day
oh nice
Howard Deasy
Theo Vaughn
Theo Vaughn's on
and Theo Vaughn
Theo Vaughn's going to do some interpretive dance
at some point
and these kids bro
these couple of hotties right
heat bro
I'm just giving Ben Stiller
that deep deep heat
that is super deep
that's dick time brother
man I'm pissed
because I was trying to get this girl's number
that worked in there
this little white girl
and
and I'm trying to get her digits
but
I only got her name
she was working
so I was going to wait
until she came back around
get the rest of her name
and ask her for her insta
right
but some delinquent people interrupted me
and
and then I had to run
because I'm running late
per the usual
there you go
boom boy
new movie
Jimmy Vestwood
American Hero
but yeah
it took me about
10 years to get on that sign
10 years
took me 10 years to get on that sign
pretty cool
come in a man
good man thank you guys for having me tonight
hey Martika
I'm doing well
how are you
you look lovely
happy early mother's day
even if
you're not a mother
I am a mother
you are
well your kid is lucky
nice to see you
are you pregnant or a mother
no
you're not
okay good
man
had a good time
just sprained my neck
and a belch
dude
belch and kind of sprained my neck
there's fucking Brody
filming me
what a fucking monster
what a muppet
you filming me
is that Tony or Pete
it's Theo Vaughn
hey it's Theo
what's up buddy
you filming me Brody
yep
I'm filming you
are you on Periscope
nope I'm on regular
snapchat
film
oh regular film
yeah
Theo Vaughn everybody
crushing it
that's Brody Stevens guys
you've seen him in the hangover
one and two
I'm just waiting my turn
waiting my turn
you happy to be here tonight bud
well of course
we on the land here
what's better than that
we're like
we took it from the Indians
yeah fuck yeah
that's how it is
fuck him
look at this white guy
right
not cool
yeah not cool
no
ready to chase a little bit of tail around here huh
it's Saturday night
yeah
Anthony Judsel next in the other room
he's pretty funny
yeah Mark Maron's in there right now too
later bro
you heard the guy
later bros
man
yeah
you were kind of tiny right
everything good
yeah
I heard you killed it
the thing we had there
you did
Joey
look at this
love out here
always
you seem pretty attractive though
the family's looking for
so I'm backstage right now
at the comedy store
and you just wait
you wait back here
in the hallway
and these are old dressing rooms
right here
so now I'm getting ready bro
damn look at that zit dude
can you see that thing
Jesus
that thing is like
eight and a half months pregnant bro
I need to get some damn skin care going
I will
dance together
off the stage
Mr. Theo Vaughn
how you doing good?
good
good
good feeling man
when you get that
get that high
hey what up
chillin man
what's going on over there guys
oh uh
there's a tranny
dancing
tranny show
at the house of blues
who's tranny over there
trying to get in the house of blues
you want to go check it out
oh yeah
come on
I'll be back
what happened?
I don't know who the fuck is running in there
who's there?
I don't know
the lights are still on
most serious the lights are still on
like the hallway
has a blue light
it's just a basic tranny
trying to get in that building
that was it
that was it
and they call it
bang a rodeo
good morning
good morning
how are you?
good to see you
happy mother's day
oh thank you so much
yeah
your contact cards
if you want to bring
if you got
if you get
we don't get wrong
no one's like
pro game
cheese spread
well I'm picking
I don't know
I could get a piece of bacon
it was like a baby
swimming pool
I mean
and Theo
what I'm going to do
with my plan
when it starts to wane
the hydrangea
I'm going to give it to Ashley
so she can probably live on
so how's comedy Theo?
everything is okay
I got a couple shows tonight
Indian American
or Pakistani American
and all of the waiters
are deaf
my only point
was you know
what a show
that would have been
yeah well I appreciate it
well I love you
and I just want to say
happy mother's day
thank you
thank you for the call
and for the beautiful
hydrangea
okay well
okay
thank you
I love you Theo
thank you
love you too
have a good night
hey you got to love your mother
you got to love your mother
you know
you got to find a way to
I know sometimes it's tough
but I'm sure sometimes it's tough
for them to love us too
so it's like
yeah there's a comedian
named Lou Dinos
who's buddies with Howie Mandel
and he told me one time
he's like
is your mother alive
and I was like
yeah
and he's like
you got to love your mother
he said
nobody in your life
will ever
love you like your mother
does
you got to love your mother
so happy mother's day
to all the mothers out there
I got more comedy sets
so I think I'm just gonna
you know
I think that'll be the end
of this past weekend
for this weekend
next weekend
I'll be in Tempe Arizona
at the Tempe Improv
so
I'll put together
my weekend from over there
and what else
that's it
happy mother's day
to all the mothers
single mothers
mother
everybody
happy
if you even
if you even
have a baby now
but you might not even
be keeping it
happy mother's day
to you
you know
that still
that counts
so
alright
everybody have a good week
subscribe at the bottom
and I'm gonna try
to do these
every weekend
this past weekend
to show you
kind of what's going on
and try not to make
shit too repetitive
you know
life
stay away from the goblins
bruh