Name: 12-19-16 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #1
Uploaded: 2016-12-19T20:08:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-19-16 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #1' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-19-16 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #1' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-19. Transcript available.

12-19-16 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #1

oh yeah you hear that you hear it ah it's that time huh how you doing guys you
beautiful muppets huh you crispy wiggers how are you how are you i love that
song you like that one
huh you got a christmas carol do you like one just sentimental feeling when you
hear voices ring
ah that's mine that's mine huh good morning it is um december monday the 19
it is almost christmas time guys
and this is this past weekend it's the first one i ever done the first one i'm
seeing how it goes i'm
literally sitting in my closet right now in uh in my apartment in los angeles
um i hung some
blankets up on the walls i don't even know if that's how you make a sound area
for recording
i have a luggage bag laying on its side like it was a casualty of war and then
i have this microphone
sitting on top of it i'm sitting in here and this is this past weekend it's december
monday 19
and i'm getting in the christmas spirit
you hear it new old-fashioned way that's mine guys everybody has a christmas
carol some people don't
actually i was uh texting with this girl this young lady the other day she said
she doesn't uh she
doesn't like christmas she doesn't like christmas carols um it hit me a little
you know it hit me
i mean how do you not well she said she liked them like a fancy they got to be
played by the instruments
only you know so but i guess i mean it's hey to each their own as long as you
not afraid of hearing this
just instrumental there's an instrument there's an instrument for you
that's nasty on that uh what is that a saxophone yeah man happy uh holidays
everybody merry christmas
uh happy kwanzaa happy nothing if you believe in nothing or if you you know you
don't like joy
i like the holidays man i like christmas i'm excited i'm going back to new orleans
this weekend
or to baton rouge actually my my family all lives there i got five count them
five nieces and nephews
they've been my brother been spraying out and uh my sister's been not from each
other but my sister
got two children with her husband i got five glorious little nieces and nephews
and they are just
just little nihilists but they're beautiful um we're gonna do it all man we do
it all when uncle
thio's in town we do we make we do maybe a little bit of crafts you know maybe
we do some uh we'll do
some uh you know make some baked goods uh we'll do the sleepover to ghost
stories ooh christmas ghost
stories bruh what great idea great idea somebody ring the great idea bell
christmas ghost stories
man i'm smart dude you get to hear a little bit more of that just for this just
oh you know what i'm saying
but this is this past weekend man um that's this coming weekend i'm gonna go
see the family
leaving on wednesday this past weekend uh i had sets at the comedy store here
in los angeles
um it was ron white's birthday on saturday night on yeah it was saturday night
i was in the green room
um and ron ron ron white was talking about how and if you don't know ron white
he's one of those guys
from the blue collar comedy tour and he's just a funny comedian and he's been
spending a lot of time at
the comedy store so you know you get to interact with him i'm not great buddies
with him um you know
i might like to be but we don't you know i just see him from time to time we'll
chat a little bit about
this and that
i don't know if he could pick me out of a theo lineup but um but anyway he was
talking about his
birthday he's like yeah 55 minutes till i'm 60. uh and he had a cigar and just
excited he was excited
about his career that's what we were talking about you know is it hard to get
excited about your career
when you've had so many highlights like him and he said he's more excited now
uh doing new material than
he has been in the past that was cool to hear that was cool to hear man uh so
yeah it's monday i'm up
this is going to be the new deal on mondays i'm going to put this up talking
about this past weekend
letting some of you guys know some future dates i'm coming to virginia beach on
the 26th through 29th
of january and i'll be at the chicago improv it sounds like it's in chicago it's
in schaumburg
schaumburg illinois it's about probably about 15 minutes 20 minutes outside of
the city
february 2nd through 4th and you can check out all my tour dates theovahn.com
slash tour but this past weekend i you know i went to i did the comedy store
um i don't have any dates man i don't have any dates this weekend you know i'm
looking for uh
you know i'm looking for love they say don't look but you know what i'm looking
you know i might hang up a little mistletoe because it's that time of year
i love that one man i love that look man i'm the kind of guy this is true about
me
for karaoke some people are good oh that's the way to get a woman laid or a man
laid if you into laying
men's you take a you take a you take somebody to karaoke and you just slay them
get up there and just
drop some sweet throat on them and i see guys do that you know they're on a
date then they hit up get
up there hit some aerosmith or uh some young jock you know and really set the
ladies uh get the ladies
you know crotches to feeling all squirrely but not me man if i do karaoke
the only song i'll do is rocking around the christmas tree bro it could be year
round year
round i'll do rocking around a christmas tree that's right because because
because of the wonderful
things he does uh no because nobody's gonna get pissed at you you know i think
i'm worried about
what other people think when it comes to that so i get up there and uh and i'm
petrified of karaoke
man i'll tell stan i could do stand-up jokes all night but karaoke ah somebody
help me i get scared
up there um so i do rocking around the christmas tree because nobody's gonna
get mad at a guy doing
a christmas carol you know and it's a short one it's it's two minutes long and
you don't have to be
able to sing and you know there's still a little bit of joy in the air when you're
done at first you
might be like who the fuck is this yo-yo but by the end you're like oh it's
over you know kind of neat
he didn't do a bad job that's what i'm saying christmas carols if you can't
sing
you can christmas carol your way out of karaoke don't forget it huh won't you
tell them brenda lee
yeah it was a good weekend um i had three nights at the comedy store so who
else did i see up there i
saw bobby lee that beautiful little viet uh and i know i'm name dropping here a
little bit but
just telling you who was there um i love bobby lee if you haven't seen this
beautiful little korean
fucking ewok i mean god i mean the dude has a he has a penis like a like a
sixth finger you know
if you keep going down your fingers they get smaller and smaller bobby's got
that secret sixth in his
pants uh he's a beautiful guy uh always makes me laugh makes everybody laugh he
was up at the store
sebastian maniscalco was there um i mean the best if you haven't seen that guy
you and your wife
or your if you like men's get in bed put on some sebastian you'll love it what
else man uh
this past weekend i did a little bit of christmas shopping online a little bit
man got some last few
things uh if you're in my family or circle of friends i'm gonna this is a
spoiler so i'm gonna
cover your ear holes you're getting either socks or underwear that's it um this
isn't an ad but i use
me undies that's what i buy only thing i wear right now me undies dot com um
and you can go to me
undies dot com slash theo let's make it an ad and get 20 off your first order
and they are good i'm not even joking um the 30 pound bag of hamster bones the
new album that's
coming out in uh january i'm excited we just locked it down it'll be on vinyl
as well we're shooting a
video for that tonight um it's just like a spoof video from uh from panda you
know that song panda
panda panda panda panda panda panda uh but we're doing that for the hamster hamster
hamster hamster
so stoked for that this evening we're getting out there we've got uh my partner
in crime ken is
coming over today and we're going to be working on that what else man i'm tired
of comics man i'm
tired of comic getting political i see all this political jogging and blasting
the president elect and
shut the fuck up man tell some jokes you know since when do com i mean i know
that comics you know that
we have a voice and you can share it but i mean just the constant every day i
see these people just
tweeting about trump or blasting trump or i mean it's just come on you know
move on attack i feel like
attack you know um i mean the dude's the president i live here in california
where people are just
crying they got they had safe rooms for people who couldn't deal with the
election
people saying their kids can't sleep at night because the election your four-year-old
can't sleep
because of the election that's your fault don't you blame that on society you
know you're telling me
your poor your four-year-old's a he's a lobbyist he's active in local unions or
something get out of
here with the bullshit so you know you move forward man i'm excited the guy uh
look i'll be honest i'm
excited that there's a that uh feminism was getting out of control jesus
especially out here in la you
couldn't sneeze if you were a dude you sneeze near a woman that's air rape oh
you're air raping me
what do you mean i got hay fever so i'm excited uh you know i'm just we're
moving on man
you know there's a lot of people that are you know they call people deplorables
during the election
who's deplorable humans come on you're gonna call your own country people that
you know if i grew up
deplorable i grew up deplorable by definition poor you know nothing eating
cereal out of each other's mouths
like like baby birds with bad sugar intake i remember my mother won a perm on
the radio once
and that was the greatest day of my life i remember man she won that perm and
she just came home beautiful
ah beautiful you know i remember it looked like somebody deep fried my mother's
head for about nine
seconds just yeah you get this for that
oh we were dancing around that perm i mean look like the lord had just licked
my mother's head with
his own tongue beautiful ah yeah so anyway moving on moving on not gonna stick
into things there
well yeah look that's the president boom let's go so what so you know so a lot
of america's struggling
and suffering and they want they want somebody who they think represents them
or they wanted something
they wanted to change you know it's the world bro you know 200 years ago they
had you know people was
getting beaten in the streets with with hatchets bro we're moving on so get
your dick out you know
get your dick out or get your breasts out and let's move forward bro don't be a
muppet you know
bunch of squirrely muppets out here adult asthma jesus christ if i meet one
more you got adult asthma
you should have beat that buddy that's for children that's for children you're
still riding around with
children's diseases in your lungs somebody needs to pat you on the back really
hard adult asthma
maybe maybe maybe god don't want you breathing anymore if you can't handle it
you thought about that
ah frustrating dude oh it can be frustrating what else i haven't been on a date
haven't been on a date
in a while somebody's trying to set me up with their friend about two weeks ago
but the girl got sick
she came down with a flu or something so you know i don't date the sick you
know
you know i'm no mother theresa i guess
that's a good one huh what's your favorite christmas carol drop it in here at
the bottom
uh if this is on facebook or twitter let me know
and i'll roast some of them next week uh before before uh when i put up the new
episode i'll roast
a couple of your favorite christmas carols if you have one throw it down if you
have any questions you
want me to answer um put it at the bottom drop it into the bottom or wherever
this is twitter facebook
soundcloud whatever and uh and these will be up on monday morning man this past
weekend you'll be
abl