Name: What Comedians Want for Christmas
Uploaded: 2016-12-23T00:19:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What Comedians Want for Christmas' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What Comedians Want for Christmas' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-23. Transcript available.

All right, it's Christmas time at the store.
You know, what do you want for Christmas?
Uh, cake, remote control car.
I want some, uh, I don't want to do this.
I want to come to that finger bang class you go to.
God!
A new car for myself.
To not get sued by these two old ladies that I've given by with my car.
Gift certificate to Domino's.
I'd like my Amazon wish list to be fulfilled.
Nothing but a smile, man, nothing but a smile.
That's it, you just want a smile?
I mean, and a car.
Serenity.
I've got supplements, I've got water.
Be happy with my babies.
World peace.
A new scarf.
I want a G.I. Joe with a kung fu grip.
I want for 2016 to be over.
Can I change mine?
Yeah, what do you want for Christmas?
World peace.
Let's just talk about peace.
Uh, I want, I want a, I want a Range Rover.
We've got Lenny and Larry cookies.
It's all about giving back to me.
I've got it all.
I would like to have, um, a photo of Theo Vaughn, like, but not like a photo,
like, what
are those things you stick on the bottom of, like, your urinal?
Peace of heart, peace of mind, happiness with your overall just experience on
this planet.
Sounds fucking gay, dude.
I want this piece of carrot that's stuck in my teeth, out of my teeth.
Yeah.
And a Fitbit.
I want some golds, man.
I just want you to get molded up.
Give me some golds.
Give me two at the bottom.
What, you want gold?
Two gold teeth.
Oh, gold teeth.
Two.
First of all, yeah, I'm a Jew.
Let's go Hanukkah.
Sorry.
Let's go Hanukkah.
What I want for Christmas is a Dyson hairdryer.
I hear they're fantastic.
Sheer joy.
And, oh, one of those, um, one of those, uh, bags for a suit.
I've got speakers.
I've got drum practice pads.
I've got a baseball glove.
Definitely don't use this.
Puss, puss, puss.
Know what I really want?
You're married.
You can't have puss, puss, puss.
Big titties.
A new car.
I want a wife.
Um, world peace.
Whoa.
Uh, I'd like certain people in my life, uh, bag.
I like that virtual reality shit.
Have you seen that?
Yeah.
Then I got an iPhone.
It doesn't work for them, right?
I don't know.
And dry the hair double the time than any other hair dryer.
What do you give a guy who's got everything?
Supplements.
A day off.
A pony.
A pony?
I've had pony meat before.
I had pony once at a wedding.
Oh.
I want to be on, or the best friend on a sitcom that goes in.
Eight years.
Dude, I want a hood pass.
I don't give a fuck.
I want to fucking be able to pay my fucking mortgage.
I don't want anything for Christmas.
I'm an adult.
What are you going to give me a fucking choo-choo tray?
All right?
And hold it up.
And if I need something, I'll go buy my own socks.
All right?
So fuck you, ain't Kris Kringle.
No.
I could use a bigger television set.
Because mine is only like Canon lenses, Sony lenses.
I want a bacon cheeseburger and a piece of vaginas.
Self-esteem.
I want a paddle board and I want a motorcycle.
Okay.
My daughters are not going to give me that.
They'll give me a pillow and a pressure cleaner.
They give me the shittiest gifts every fucking year.
And I buy everything, everything they want.
And I get fucked.
I get fucked every time.
A couple more inches on my dick.
Shoes.
Yeezys.
Just give me shoes.
Oh!
I don't...
Just be happy.
I would like my new puppy to stop biting the shit out of me.
I want cocaine.
All I want for Christmas is a big booty hoe.
I want about fucking 60 less comics and about 100 more spots.
All right.
So a shorter scarf.
I knew what I want.
Do you want it to be out of cashmere?
I know what I want.
Just candy.
Bordeaux candy from Seize.