Name: 12-26-16 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #2
Uploaded: 2016-12-27T17:18:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-26-16 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #2' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-26-16 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #2' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-27. Transcript available.

12-26-16 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #2

you hear that guys huh good morning
good morning guys it's monday december 26th today after christmas
that's george michael that's george michael right there guys remember that one
huh i want your sex
oh man george michael dead at 53 i think it is uh good morning guys it's this
past weekend
uh december 26th is uh monday um sad to see that man that that made me how are
you feeling
how do you feel about it did it hit you you know different celebrities
different uh you know
musicians especially they hit you you're not you're not expecting it like
prince
yeah prince obviously like amazing uh you know once in a lifetime
um type of entertainer but i didn't realize george michael i started getting
all these thoughts and
feelings uh i used to listen to him on the school bus i remember that was one
of the first songs that i
heard man uh was george michael on the school bus right there
and i remember that song when it came on i felt uh you know i'd be on the
school bus and i'm honestly
i'd be a little bit erect you know i was young and i was spry and real sprung
in the veins and
i was getting erect on the school bus listening to george michael and i felt
ashamed i remember
feeling ashamed like what are you what are you doing you little sinner you know
and that song would come on
and i want your sex and look at the girl sitting across from me you know on the
some
some frumpet little muppet girl kind of rubenesque
you know uh thick and just just a pale girl i remember and big sun on big
sunglasses
she needed uh eyeglasses but her parents couldn't afford them i guess and so
they gave her sunglasses
i'm like jesus that's i don't think that's an accurate uh replacement you know
i mean she basically
looks like she's in the witness protection program now not only is her vision
bad but uh
you know but she looks like a california raisin
anyway uh but i remember that song i want your sex and i just remember just
pushing myself up against
the window just scared to even look around and i remember making eye contact
with her when that song
was on one time and just ah just felt every feeling you could feel as a young
man felt everything man i
felt everything you know i felt like uh she and i had a moment you know i just
i don't know it was
heavy it was heavy that's all i remember is that it was heavy good to see you
guys money uh happy day
after christmas man christmas happened you know christmas happened this past
weekend what else george
michael gone um fake news fake news is still out there huh what else i was
looking at the headlines this
morning uh giraffes may disappear they said giraffes we might be almost out of
giraffes so that's really
alarming you know just the fact that uh we thought these giraffes would be here
forever but let's get
into it man this past weekend my christmas what was it like uh friday i went to
new orleans to hang out
with some friends i had a friend who's a dj we went to the rusty nail over
there in new orleans i went
to a a buddy of mine um uh from high school he's a contractor now he and his
brother uh they had a
what was it oh they had a christmas party so i stopped by there it was good to
see them
catch up you know share old stories things i didn't remember um and my buddy's
straight his brother's gay
but i had and it reminded me his brother was the first gay guy i ever knew
about
i'd never thought about that before and it didn't you know it doesn't matter
now and i don't think it
mattered to anybody then but it was just you know it was a it was a novel thing
it was like the first
time that i heard about a chinese boy you know i'd never you know i'd never
spent any time didn't know
any chinese people so um i remember that they might have talked about this last
week even they had a
chinese boy allegedly uh about 17 miles away from us when i was growing up and
we heard about it we got
wind of it you know we were downwind from the chinese apparently and uh and so
we saved up money
me and two of my buddies we saved up money cutting yards made us a little bit
of money and got a taxi
we got a 41 dollar taxi to go see the chinese
but there wasn't there was no chinese it was a uh a laundromat one of those uh
you know a cleaning
a cleaners somebody built a cleaners and just you know a breakdown in
communication via humans
and we uh that was how when it got to us at 11 years old there was an alleged
chinese person
and there's nothing wrong with being chinese if you're out there and you're uber
liberal and you
can't stand somebody saying the name of an ethnicity uh but we'd never heard
about it we didn't know
anything about it we were children and they didn't have we grew up in a white
and black area so when we
heard there's a chinese person a boy too they said you know there's a little
bit of lore there legend
you know there was a chinese boy if you hear some people in the background it
could be i'm staying
at my brother's house i'm actually in he and his wife's closet right now uh
recording this so the kids
could be fighting or crying or loving or being loving in the background that is
an option so ah but anyway
what was i even talking about yeah i went to new world saying i was some
friends but yeah my buddy
the contractor he and his brother contractors they had the first he was the
first gay guy that we ever
knew about you know and there was all you know the way they phrased it you know
oh yeah but he does
his own thing oh he's doing yeah that's right he's doing his own thing you know
oh he's really uh
yeah he's an adventurer you know just just the terms you would hear you know
like just crazy
uh anyway those were the that that's what i did friday i believe i went to that
um
actually that was saturday that was sat uh that was friday it was friday i went
there to new orleans
uh we just had stassi schroeder on our podcast on allegedly she's it'll be it'll
be coming out
tomorrow the girl from uh vanderpump rules if you're a stassi schroeder fan uh
you can uh you can check
her out on uh on our on our podcast on allegedly which drops tomorrow tuesday
the 27th but she's from
new orleans so texted her see if she wanted to you know come out or she's in
town didn't get a response
no response sometimes you don't get responded to you know uh you know and even
though i wasn't
doing it sensually it does uh you know it makes you as a man you know you just
you want to get a
response from the ladies i could text my grandmother if she doesn't text back
with that oyster dressing
recipe of hers that i'm asking for that i'm upset i'm upset about that so um
yeah i didn't get a text
back but that's okay you know uh busy ladies these ladies are busy especially
the uh
these fancy ladies you know a lot of them they can get a little busy but uh but
that's okay i'm just
kind of clowning around there but she's on our podcast if you like vanderpump
rules if that's your
universe if that's what you watch or if your wife makes you watch that at night
and you pretend like
you don't like it but you like it she's gonna be on allegedly tomorrow i got
into it with her man
i i taught i asked her some questions you know she's a beautiful girl so i
asked her some questions you
know about sensuality asking about some of her sexual thoughts and practices
you know uh
you know it's kind of what she's into you know if she's because you know uh you
know girls are you
know so anyway we get a little sensual on there if you want to check out
allegedly uh i'm gonna drop
some dates on you coming up i got the uh virginia beach funny bone january 26th
through 29th
and then the following weekend i got the improv in chicago it's actually out in
schaumburg
illinois uh february 2nd through the 4th so that's exciting um as well if you
do art i'm
looking for somebody to do some cover art for my album i got a new album that's
dropping uh 30 pound
bag of hamster bones if you do cover art or you're an artist uh inbox me dm me
you know slide into my dms
with your artistic talents with your with your uh with your color pencils uh
but no seriously if
somebody wants to uh design a cover or submit an option an opportunity to
design that you know you're
welcome to do that what else so that was this past weekend i invited out the vanderpump
rules girl
you know i did get a text back from her yesterday maybe on christmas maybe the
day maybe saturday
i think yesterday i got it said i wasn't i was at a party um and i was busy you
know but that she may
go out on uh tomorrow or today monday today's monday what else man um george
michael though huh did that
get you did that get you let's just imagine uh 11 year old boy this comes on
the school bus
i want your love i want your sex ah just a bunch of impoverished kids sitting
there staring at each
other ah man i was i was sprung i was i was erect i will say that i was i
remember looking out the window
and just like i couldn't see anything i was looking out the window but i couldn't
see anything that's
how erect i was at that age 11 and just hearing that just them say sex i want
your sex on the radio
even though it was a man saying it you know i was sprung i was sprung up so
yeah friday i went to new
orleans um uh i stayed over there um i stayed with my buddy and his girlfriend
they live together now
they had some cats a couple of cats tried to get at me in the night um you know
uh one cat i think
is black one of them's mixed but uh they was kind of with me in the dark and
that's a little bit
challenging you know sleep in an unfamiliar territory and you got two cats kind
of
fucking getting at you you know speaking of actually which kind of brings
things full circle right now
i remember get uh being uh being uh getting sensual with this girl up in philadelphia
that's one of the older cities in america philadelphia pennsylvania uh staying
at her place and
being erect in my sleep i was actually being erect in my sleep and uh she had a
cat just swatting at
my erection and i remember waking up to that and that is startling dude if you
have not
you know i'm an animal lover i guess but i'm not it depends on what animals i've
had a storied
history with animals and we'll get into that as uh you know some of these
episodes unfold but
i mean if you haven't had a cat batting at your erection i mean that is uh that
was
that was too much
this is what that cat was thinking i bet
coming after that meat huh going after that uh that scratching post huh
so yeah cat batting at my erection i was a girl in philadelphia
but that was scary that was alarming another time i remember sharing a bed with
this woman and she
had a dog uh the dog's name was kobe and a huge big brown dog it was a great dame
and
we shared a bed together and this was right after kobe bryant had gotten
brought up on those rape charges
and i remember thinking ah this is you know this could go any way you know this
could go any way
and she made the dog sleep in the middle of us that was baffling to me like but
again i respect it
i didn't know i just met this lady you know um you know and this is back when i
was you know just kind
of running around tomcatting and uh yeah that was alarming you know when she
let me sleep over by her
place and i don't remember if we really got very sensual or anything but i do
remember sharing this
bed with her and this this great dane kobe i don't know if he's still out there
and i wonder what he was
thinking while we lay there in the dark huh
maybe that's what he had on his mind huh maybe that dog was trying to get at me
ah erect on that school bus man erect
so then saturday i woke up uh i went and visited i got a condo over there in
new orleans
i know i'm property dropping here but um and uh it had flooding it had flooding
in it uh from uh
some uh the guy who lived upstairs was leaving his unit decided he wanted to
take the washing
machine with him couldn't figure out how to unhook it ripped it out of the wall
just ripped it out of
the wall just aborted that thing right out of the wall broke a pipe in the wall
and 